Finances: How much does a man have to bring to the table for marriage?

[MuseofTroy]

I love this thread btw. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting the option of staying home. Black women don't give ourselves enough credit. Are we expected to be mules? What's interesting is that I did my own personal poll with some guy friends about how they feel having a wife that didn't work. All my non-black male friends were perfectly okay with being the sole provider. 4 out of 5 of the Black men I spoke to had a huge issue with being the sole provider.

 

[MizzBrown]

I love this thread btw. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting the option of staying home. Black women don't give ourselves enough credit. Are we expected to be mules? What's interesting is that I did my own personal poll with some guy friends about how they feel having a wife that didn't work. All my non-black male friends were perfectly okay with being the sole provider. 4 out of 5 of the Black men I spoke to had a huge issue with being the sole provider.

I talked to my black male friends about this and some were also fine with it. However, they believe many women have the concept twisted so they rather them just work 40 hrs a week right along with them.

Not wanting to really do anything while at home all day is not an option. He didn't want to come home to a nasty house, take-out food and no errands made . No family ambitions basically. Some women feel like its their life vacation and its not.

And we need to remember that in this day in age, staying at home is an OPTION not a right. If hubby isnt at a certain salary on the payscale to support you in the manner that YOU wish then you obviously need to work or downsize your lifestyle dramatically.

Theres many of us who would like to stay home and raise the family and/or cater to our hubby but we just dont have that option or dont want to compromise.

 

[Bunny77]

I talked to my black male friends about this and some were also fine with it. However, they believe many women have the concept twisted so they rather them just work 40 hrs a week right along with them.

Not wanting to really do anything while at home all day is not an option. He didn't want to come home to a nasty house, take-out food and no errands made . No family ambitions basically. Some women feel like its their life vacation and its not.

And we need to remember that in this day in age, staying at home is an OPTION not a right. If hubby isnt at a certain salary on the payscale to support you in the manner that YOU wish then you obviously need to work or downsize your lifestyle dramatically.

Theres many of us who would like to stay home and raise the family and/or cater to our hubby but we just dont have that option or dont want to compromise.

The only thing I'll say about this is that whether the woman works or not, the man is gonna expect a clean house, home-cooked meals and errands handled.

If the woman does work 40 hours a week, is he prepared to help in the house since she'll also be contributing to the finances? I'm fine with that, btw, but I don't wanna hear them saying, "She betta work," and then expect her to do the same things she did if she stayed at home... with them not lifting a finger.

 

[MizzBrown]

The only thing I'll say about this is that whether the woman works or not, the man is gonna expect a clean house, home-cooked meals and errands handled.

If the woman does work 40 hours a week, is he prepared to help in the house since she'll also be contributing to the finances? I'm fine with that, btw, but I don't wanna hear them saying, "She betta work," and then expect her to do the same things she did if she stayed at home... with them not lifting a finger.

You know he's gonna say that! And i'm gonna look right at him and say negro, i got home at 5pm just like you did! Why didnt YOU take the chicken out the freezer!!

Gotta set the ground rules from jump. BEFORE he even puts the ring on your finger.

I'd rather stay at home to be honest with you because the thought of working 8 hrs a day and then having to come home and work another 5 hr shift is not my cup of tea. I saw my mom do it and thats why we were taught so early to start doing stuff for ourselves to take the burden off her.

He shouldnt expect his bath to be drawn if we both worked a 10 hr shift. Take all that money we're making and get a maid.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^That's why I say that if ANYONE has the concept twisted, it's them. The MEN.

Oh yeah, I will be discussing this with my future hubby, most def.

 

[princessnad]

Honestly, the "right" education is more important than income IMO.

That being said, since I am still young (got out of undergrad in 07) and would marry someone in my age range, I said $100-150 k for now.

I expect the potential income to be in the $200K ++ range though later in our lives.

But for now, my suitor(s) would get a pass if they had a lower income because they are still in school or their career trajectory generally includes people starting off at the bottom and ending up with much higher paying positions.

At my age, I still think you can view relationships based on potential (when it comes to income). Now, when you get up to a certain age... he better be putting it all on the table when we first meet.

 

[NaniDiamond]

When I was ready to settle down, a specific salary was not even in my top 10 of things to look for in a husband - financial responsibility, yes, a minimum salary requirement, no.

what exactly do you mean when you mention financial responsibility? I'm curious because I know someone who has a job, but is making about 25k...he does go to A job, but doesn't seem to keep the same one for long..

so what defines financial responsibility?

 

[cocoaluv]

If a brother ain't already together when you get there chances are it may not happen so be careful. A man has to know where he is going and what he is doing. I hate a wishy washy man. Because he will be a wishy washy husband. And all you will have is anxiety wondering is he is he not going to get his act together.

Where the hell is the THANKS button!!!!!!


I cant stand wishy washy PEOPLE in general....wishy washy men are the worst

 

[Bunny77]

what exactly do you mean when you mention financial responsibility? I'm curious because I know someone who has a job, but is making about 25k...he does go to A job, but doesn't seem to keep the same one for long..

so what defines financial responsibility?

That would not be my definition of financial responsibility.

Inability to keep a job for long, unless he's moving up the ladder and getting better jobs each time, shows me that he is not financially stable. Plus, I don't know how old he is, but if he keeps moving to different jobs and is just now making 25K, that tells me he isn't competitive for better positions that would pay more and not have him continually jumping from job to job.

I would pass on that guy.

 

[NaniDiamond]

You know its funny b/c my SO makes less than I do. And, I won't lie -I like the nicer things in life and can get antsy (wishing he made more) but I have a keeper so there's no way in the world I'm givin that up just to be disappointed when someone who's making 100k feels like they could treat me like crap. No thanks. We'll do what we need to do and pray together for blessings - they always seem to come right on time anyway AND I get to keep my guy

cinnarose..considering what you just said about your SO, how would you feel if he had a job but bounces around from job to job; has bad credit; and has a pattern of living with women (in his past relationships) and during those relationships, he's had to lean on the chic from time to time, until he got himself together....would you then remain his SO?

 

[NaniDiamond]

That would not be my definition of financial responsibility.

Inability to keep a job for long, unless he's moving up the ladder and getting better jobs each time, shows me that he is not financially stable. Plus, I don't know how old he is, but if he keeps moving to different jobs and is just now making 25K, that tells me he isn't competitive for better positions that would pay more and not have him continually jumping from job to job.

I would pass on that guy.

okay...add to that scenario that he is everything that you need emotionally & physically and in every other way you could imagine...but he's older and has lived life and has made some bad choices....a good man, but not a stable employment record...would you still pass?

 

[NaniDiamond]

My minimum is that he is financially stable and that he does not expect me to pay for the majority of our expenses (same goes for me). I would want us to at least be able to live on one salary if we so choose and save the other salary.

well said Nadege...I agree that marriage is for better or for worse, but I don't think that means that we have to just settle for "the worse" when it's not warranted...meaning, he isnt physicall ill and is fully capable of holding a job...

let me clarify...if something happened to him AFTER we were married, I would be in for the long haul hands down...but considering that this guy isn't my husband yet...I have a right to decide what I wanna get into.

 

[Bunny77]

okay...add to that scenario that he is everything that you need emotionally & physically and in every other way you could imagine...but he's older and has lived life and has made some bad choices....a good man, but not a stable employment record...would you still pass?

I'd pass EVEN MORE in that case.

See, I don't believe that there is just one man on earth who can fulfill me emotionally and physically. And to quote a wise friend of mine, what's the point of getting your back broke if the lights are shut off?

Why doesn't Mr. Old Guy who made bad choices get with his equivalent, an older woman who also made bad choices and they can come up together? Oh no, he wants to get with a sweet young thing with things going for herself... sorry, I don't think so. Know your position and stay the hell in your lane.

Seems like you don't need anything but a d--- to be considered a "good man" these days. Good man also don't let their women struggle because of their poor financial choices. Good men take care of their families. Good men make smart choices.

 

[NaniDiamond]

Seems like you don't need anything but a d--- to be considered a "good man" these days. Good man also don't let their women struggle because of their poor financial choices. Good men take care of their families. Good men make smart choices.[/quote]

no...I didn't say anything about anyone considering him a good man...If I thought this type of guy was such a good man, I wouldn't need to ask the opinion of anyone...

I was just incorporating some more bonuses to see if that changed your opinion...but I agree that good sex doesn't equal a good man...

 

[Bunny77]

Seems like you don't need anything but a d--- to be considered a "good man" these days. Good man also don't let their women struggle because of their poor financial choices. Good men take care of their families. Good men make smart choices.

no...I didn't say anything about anyone considering him a good man...If I thought this type of guy was such a good man, I wouldn't need to ask the opinion of anyone...

I was just incorporating some more bonuses to see if that changed your opinion...but I agree that good sex doesn't equal a good man...[/QUOTE]

The quote function is off...

My post:

Well, you said in the thread that he was a "good man," and I wanted to present a challenge to that definition because I hear that being stated a lot.

You said this... but he's older and has lived life and has made some bad choices....a good man, but not a stable employment record...would you still pass?

...so to me, you were saying that he was a good man.

Now I'm not saying that he's the devil incarnate because of his bad choices, but just because he's nice and is good in bed doesn't necessarily make him a good man.

Anyway, just my opinion! It never would have gotten to the point that I was considering a relationship with him, but that's just me.

 

[Freespirit02]

As long as buddy is working and doing something with himself! He needs motivation and a good head on his shoulders! The rest shall follow!

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

I sure did put down 200k+ because I'm a gold digger. Hehehe

I kid I kid.

I believe in being equally yoked spiritually, mentally, and financially. I live a certain lifestyle and for me to marry a man he needs to be able to maintain it or exceed it. I love to travel, invest, art, opera, and other taste that require money. I'm not marrying down economically. If I can do those things now, I should be able to do so once I'm married.

The only exception to that rule I will make is if the guy is a teacher. I love and respect teachers so much and unfortunately good teachers don't get the recognition or the pay they deserve.

I hear you. I agree, but I would also add to the bolded, for my benefit, attorneys who work in legal aide/community groups ie. our esteemed President Obama and doctors who do the same. You have got to have respect for someone who has the education and potential to earn so much and still work in the field for the joy of it. Moreover, in all cases, the fact that they are educated is something I value far above the money they earn.

 

[Bunny77]

I hear you. I agree, but I would also add to the bolded, for my benefit, attorneys who work in legal aide/community groups ie. our esteemed President Obama and doctors who do the same. You have got to have respect for someone who has the education and potential to earn so much and still work in the field for the joy of it. Moreover, in all cases, the fact that they are educated is something I value far above the money they earn.

I probably said this earlier in the thread, but yep, teachers/community workers are the exception. My dad was a teacher, so I have a soft spot for those types of folks.

And co-sign everything else you said.

 

[Allandra]

There is no requirement. My only requirement is that he's doing what he is called to do and able to care for his household, whatever that amount may be.

I love your logic and the way you think. I could sit back and talk with you all day.

 

[tocktick]

If I was to get married in my mid 20s-early 30s, I'd like to think at least as much as me or only slightly below. I'm not going to say I only want dudes to earn £50K (this is considered a high wage over here) before they marry me if I'm earning £30K.

The type of men I'm interested in are the ambitious types who want to rise to the top. Imo, the man I marry needs to be a professional who possess this mind-set and has a realistic game plan too (no up-in-the-air dreamers). I'm also bring this to the table. Imo, we can build wealth together at that stage in our lives.

If he's smart about money (good credit, doesn't live beyond means, understands delayed gratification etc) that's quite a bit more valuable to me than being earning £5,000 p/a less than me when we first marry. That kind of man will probably still know how to provide for me/future kids and may well reach up to me or even earn more in the near future.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Bumping for JustKiya

 

[JustKiya]

Bumping for JustKiya

This thread was very laid back.....

 

[UmSumayyah]

This is the reincarnated one. The first one was locked. Apparently the very question itself offended some sensisbilities.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Nothing else to say JK?

 

[JustKiya]

No, because I think I said it all, initially. The answer is so - wide ranging - because everyone has different ideas of where they would like for their lives to be - heck, give me an initial lump sum of 250K, and I could live for most of my life on 15-20K a year - even with kidlets! Sooo..... it's a variable.

 

[Mariaat40]

I didn't respond to this thread the first time around, but as others have said, I think it really depends on where you are in life. I married when I was 24. My husband was in graduate school and making pennies and I was the breadwinner for a time. But I knew there was potential. And I was later able to stay at home with our kids until they were in school, which was enormously important to me. He's a college professor now; he doesn't make corporate executive, doctor or attorney money, but we live a comfortable life and I feel very blessed.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Doin' the bump.