Feeling intimidated and unworthy..

F

FemmeFatale

Well-Known Member
Have you ever dated someone that was pretty much your ideal and instead of feeling joy, you felt intimidated and unworthy?!

Okay so the Nigerian guy that I have just seeing is damn near perfect and it's scary. The man is not only brilliant, sweet, gainfully employed with no children but he is FINE. The 6'4" all muscle, handsome face, will make you melt into a puddle fine and it makes me feel like an ant. I keep wondering wth does he want from me and that I'm not worthy. This is also my first time really dating since my bad breakup and surgery in Feb.

How do I shake these feelings? I have always felt like the prize but now I don't. I do like this guy but idk I'm just terrified.
 
STOP. DO NOT PASS GO.
this is my friend's problem. she dates these great men who are basically the ideal and puts up with BULLSHT b/c she doesn't feel "worthy" (said or unsaid, it's obvious. she gets blinded).

not saying this man is going to treat you badly or anything, but when you don't know your worth/value you going in, you will get caught up feeling inferior/less than & it is only downhill from there (either showing insecurity which is unattractive or putting up with things you may otherwise not).

you are a prize! better believe it if you expect anyone else to. and who cares if they don't. doesn't make it less true!

he is just a man. in a lovely package, but still just a man. thing of everything you bring to relationships (romantic, familial, platonic) and what makes you amazing. internalize that. believe it. know you deserve someone who is just as amazing if not more because you ARE worth it.

honestly, idk how to believe these things. i just choose to. :lol: don't put him on a pedestal, b/c you are already creating a dynamic where he is someone you look up to, and he is looking down on (and that will influence your relationship, whether he sees it that way or not).

good luck. nothing like a fine, intelligent man that can handle his business. :)
 
FemmeFatale,

He's not God, He's just a man. A human being with flaws just like the rest humanity. I'm Nigerian/American, grew up in both countries. All the things you mentioned (employed, no kids, etc) are basic and standard. Don't give a man extra points for normal human behavior.

In the animal kingdom, the males audition for the female. The males in many species are actually the prettier and more flamboyant colorful ones because they have to attract the female who decide if the males are worthy of them reproducing for them.

Fake it till you make it. Don't allow fear to make you lower your standards and maybe start accepting bad behavior (not that he's behaving badly) or acting desperate.

He also has to prove to you that he is worthy of you. You can only know that by observing his behavior over time. I don't know how long you have been dating, but my philosophy is that the first 90-120 days (if it gets that far) is really just fun and games. I don't put my eggs in one basket, I don't go exclusive until I'm sure the person is reliable and what I truly want.
 
Great advice ladies.

FemmeFatale, you are deserving of a wonderful man that meets your standards and treats you well. Shoot, he is the lucky one! We women are so used to kangs and deadbeats that we put the first guy that treats us well on a pedestal. Don't fall for the okey doke! :)
 
ITA with all that's been said-

I'm sure he isn't perfect and soon enough you'll discover things about him that will remind you that he has his own challenges and still a great catch.
But I gotta say, unfortunately I understand all too well...
 
It's kinda crazy to me cause I've never had a man make me feel this way and I've dated some descent men, but he's the complete package, the man from my dreams (for real, lol) and now I'm just scared.

We had lunch yesterday and I barely touched my meal from all the anxiety , lol. I felt bad so I had it all to go..
 

Attachments

  • image-11776398.jpg
    image-11776398.jpg
    80.1 KB · Views: 151
Last edited:
Femme,

I kind of understand where you are coming from. It's feelings of insecurity because you feel like you haven't accomplished enough to warrant this kind of attention. I felt the same way when I went through a long period of umemployment despite having all the necessary "papers" to warrant a decent job. I literally hid from the public and never ever gave any man the time of day. I felt so unworthy because I was so broke and feeling so dejected despite being in the best shape of my life. I had all the time in the world to hide at the gym in between job interviews.

It was after I found a job that I had the courage to face the gentlemen. One thing that I learnt is that we as women make too many assumptions about what men are looking for or see in us. So long as you are not a lazy bum, have something going for you, well put together as a lady, you should be fine.

If you could see inside his head, you might be surprised to find out that he is more freaked out than you. He could be thinking of how he can put his best foot forward so as not to lose this lovely lady. Guys can be terribly insecure on the inside despite having their act together on the outside.
 
okange76 said:
Femme,

I kind of understand where you are coming from. It's feelings of insecurity because you feel like you haven't accomplished enough to warrant this kind of attention. I felt the same way when I went through a long period of umemployment despite having all the necessary "papers" to warrant a decent job. I literally hid from the public and never ever gave any man the time of day. I felt so unworthy because I was so broke and feeling so dejected despite being in the best shape of my life. I had all the time in the world to hide at the gym in between job interviews.

It was after I found a job that I had the courage to face the gentlemen. One thing that I learnt is that we as women make too many assumptions about what men are looking for or see in us. So long as you are not a lazy bum, have something going for you, well put together as a lady, you should be fine.

If you could see inside his head, you might be surprised to find out that he is more freaked out than you. He could be thinking of how he can put his best foot forward so as not to lose this lovely lady. Guys can be terribly insecure on the inside despite having their act together on the outside.
Click to expand...

It's funny you say that..I wouldn't be shocked if that were the case. He kept looking at me dead in the eyes while talking (and I looked right back, lol). And towards the end when I left he asked if everything was ok cause I seemed a bit strange when I left, I'm guessing that he was expecting a hug or kiss after I said thanks for everything and hopped in my car.
 
TrueToHair said:
Thank you! :lol: I don't know whether to laugh or cry that this needs to be said. The guy does sound like a good one though.

:yep::yep::yep:
Click to expand...

It should be a standard but a lot of the men that i have dated were either arrogant, had baggage,or not as good looking. My point was that he's a complete package.
 
okange76 said:
Femme,

I kind of understand where you are coming from. It's feelings of insecurity because you feel like you haven't accomplished enough to warrant this kind of attention. I felt the same way when I went through a long period of umemployment despite having all the necessary "papers" to warrant a decent job. I literally hid from the public and never ever gave any man the time of day. I felt so unworthy because I was so broke and feeling so dejected despite being in the best shape of my life. I had all the time in the world to hide at the gym in between job interviews.

It was after I found a job that I had the courage to face the gentlemen. One thing that I learnt is that we as women make too many assumptions about what men are looking for or see in us. So long as you are not a lazy bum, have something going for you, well put together as a lady, you should be fine.

If you could see inside his head, you might be surprised to find out that he is more freaked out than you. He could be thinking of how he can put his best foot forward so as not to lose this lovely lady. Guys can be terribly insecure on the inside despite having their act together on the outside.
Click to expand...

So true on the bolded. And if he's a good guy, he's probably attracted to things about YOU as a person not just the external you (what you look like, what you're wearing, what you've accomplished, etc).

Just stay true to who you are and wherever the chips fall will be right for you.

Congrats and best wishes!
 
I kind of felt like this with my ex when we first met and couldn't understand why he was still single..............turns out he was/is abusive..........on paper (and lookswise) he was perfect but he is rotten to the core.

All that glitters is not gold.

I hope he IS this great guy and just trust your gut instinct and you should be OK.
 
Last edited:
My dh is so awesome. Smart, funny, brilliant, ambitious as hell, about to go to law school, has a masters and 2 bachelors. Loves to study and read and can talk about everything important with any and everybody. Sometimes I think he's better than me and I feel a little inferior. And then he farts. And with that, I am reminded that he's just as normal and as gross and as human as I am. Poops JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. And that is what keeps us on the same level.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

K
Why Dark Skin Black Girls Aren’t Getting Married
2 3 4
Replies
97
Views
8K
Evolving78
E
Back
Top