Fear of Cheating

[Fine 4s]

Zaynab,

Agreed!!!! LOLOLOL I worried my head SICK I tell you. The more I worried and snooped around, the more I wanted to snoop around thinking 'yeah, I didn't catch you THIS time, but....' I definitely losened my grip and am happier for it. And you know what happened, it's given him room to COME TO ME! Counterintuitive yes. But giving them the space to make the choices (you hope they're making) makes them love you more....
Wow, I remember the lowest I got, I swear my face changed and I remember him looking at me like...who are you?! He didn't ask but you can tell by the look on his face he was almost scared lol

An idle mind is the devil's workshop!!!!!

And yes not all men/people cheat.

hopeful, I've had an honest conversation with my friend about how he wasn't good for me in that way! I'm not sure I can distance myself much as we talk Eryday, several times a day sometimes. :S
then again...I haven't tried either...

 

[Zaynab]

I worry about this as well and I'm not married. I do plan on getting married and my SO is a good man of character but I totally see where Fine4s and OP is coming from. The thought of sharing my life and being attached to my DH to find out he's betrayed me by having an affair. It's a thought that goes through the back of my mind at times and I'd imagine it would prob intensify if we get married. If he does have an affair I just hope that he ends it w/o me finding out.

The other day I was in the mall w/ SO and enjoying each others company and the thought flashed through my mind out of nowhere --- is monogamy natural? And just as I wonder about my SO or men cheating, and just like ain't nothing like new pu$$y ain't nothing like new and exciting lover too. Idk, idk... I do wonder how one can keep having sex over and over and over with the same person. Just regular day to day living w/someone and fulfulling basic domestic duties becomes ho hum. This can be a bit taboo, but I wish it was more discussed.

I think a marriage could get boring if you let it and it's really easy to do. Regular day life IS boring at times. But Relationships are cyclic, in a marriage you will see others and be attracted to them, that's natural. You just choose your choice and you don't act on it. The self control and moral compass must always be present- so again it just goes back to that person's character. I think some people, men and women struggle with cheating at different times. At different points in a marriage, lows or points of vulnerability- cheating will be thought of I'm sure, I know I have. You just don't do it. That's also why really communicating with your spouse is so important. I had my gf tell me her DH told her he was attracted to someone, she upset that he was, I'm like be glad he is trying to communicate that.

But anyway, regarding sex: To me, it gets better and better. But that's just me. The more in love and connected I feel with DH, the sex just gets better. I seriously said to him recently, "I don't think your sex was this good when I first tried it out 15 years ago"

 

[Zaynab]

Zaynab,

Agreed!!!! LOLOLOL I worried my head SICK I tell you. The more I worried and snooped around, the more I wanted to snoop around thinking 'yeah, I didn't catch you THIS time, but....' I definitely losened my grip and am happier for it. And you know what happened, it's given him room to COME TO ME! Counterintuitive yes. But giving them the space to make the choices (you hope they're making) makes them love you more....
Wow, I remember the lowest I got, I swear my face changed and I remember him looking at me like...who are you?! He didn't ask but you can tell by the look on his face he was almost scared lol

An idle mind is the devil's workshop!!!!!

And yes not all men/people cheat.

hopeful, I've had an honest conversation with my friend about how he wasn't good for me in that way! I'm not sure I can distance myself much as we talk Eryday, several times a day sometimes. :S
then again...I haven't tried either...

I honestly don't snoop. And then I always want to ask people that do snoop sooo what are you gonna do when you find it Like most women snoop just "to know" then berate said man about it. Then keep snooping. And feeling more out of control. Umm no WTF is knowing gonna get me If I'm snooping, it's for confirmation to be OUT. Not to ask so you can say "I found this, now explain and are you gonna do it again or stop" Umm. No they aren't gonna stop and yes you will still be there oft times, so why bother. I would only snoop to gather information that I probably knew was already there.

 

[NappyNelle]

Excellent, excellent thread.

 

[tolly]

Earlier in my marriage I worried about this, I think you feel this more acutely because you are a newly-wed. The 8years with DH has convinced me he cares deeply for me, and he isn't likely to jeopardize our marriage by cheating. As your relationship gets older and you grow with him, I think you'll become more relaxed.
I know the possibility is always there, and I'm not 100% saying he wouldn't do that [ I know for certain he loves me, certain in a way I didn't appreciate when we got married ] but I don't bother myself worrying about it anymore.
I have realized that cheating is no longer a deal breaker for me, at this point in my life. I wouldn't advice other women to think this way, I certainly didn't think so, a few years ago. The family and relationship I have with DH thumps cheating....depending on the circumstances.
All these ^ to say you'll probably to alright and your worry isn't uncommon.

 

[SelahOco]

I think some level of insecurity is normal. Its like having children, and you love them so much that when you hear about bad things on the news, etc you have to force yourself not to do the 'what if that was my child' thing.

One thing that strikes me about couples and insecurity is that women are often afraid to reveal the insecurity for fear that it will turn the man off.

Your concerns and fears come from a real place - something you've seen or experienced - and your spouse should be concerned about your wellness if there is something that you need to work thru. I don't mean that you nag him or constantly talk about the fact that you're afraid he is gonna cheat, but whatever concerns you should concern him.

DH and I discuss everything. His fears and mine. And early on in my marriage that was very helpful.

That said, a person is going to do what's in THEM to do. I look back at our relationship sometimes and think 'did that really happen' and 'how the hell did that happen' and it's usually because we didn't talk about something that we were too embarrassed to admit that bothered us.

Cheating could happen in my relationship now. It can happen anytime. But now I'm more likely to tell him 'I'm lonely and I'm finding myself craving attention from other men." For example.

I'm sure that is not easy for him to hear. It's not easy to say, but its the truth. And it happens in lots of relationships.

And if I stay mute and keep feeling unfulfilled, I'm more likely to indulge in attention from a 'friend' on Facebook or some ish....and the next thing you know, we are bumping uglies.

That almost happened to me a few years ago. Thank god dh called me on it and I got myself together.

But him calling me on my mess, based on his instincts and knowledge of me was a learned behavior. We both learned that together and got to this place thru trial and error.

Cheating is real, it is hurtful, and its something you should talk about like every other thing that could be a benefit or threat to the success of your marriage.

It's never about the other person. So don't worry about how fine women are. It's hardly ever about 'new snussy.' Cheating starts in someone's heart...and if you guys trust each other enough to communicate even the ugly truths, you can stop it before it starts.

And if he won't talk, and does it anyway....it won't destroy you. And it's not your fault.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Earlier in my marriage I worried about this, I think you feel this more acutely because you are a newly-wed. The 8years with DH has convinced me he cares deeply for me, and he isn't likely to jeopardize our marriage by cheating. As your relationship gets older and you grow with him, I think you'll become more relaxed.
I know the possibility is always there, and I'm not 100% saying he wouldn't do that [ I know for certain he loves me, certain in a way I didn't appreciate when we got married ] but I don't bother myself worrying about it anymore.
I have realized that cheating is no longer a deal breaker for me, at this point in my life. I wouldn't advice other women to think this way, I certainly didn't think so, a few years ago. The family and relationship I have with DH thumps cheating....depending on the circumstances.
All these ^ to say you'll probably to alright and your worry isn't uncommon.

You are very brave to say that. Cheating (and beating) are not only deal breakers at this point in my life but I wouldnt advise a man to go to sleep on me. He should leave for his own safety.
I dont think I could ever accept that. I'd have to worry about whether he would still have feelings for this other woman or if he secretly wants to be with her and makes himself miserable staying with me. I just feel once you violate your vows and open yourself to someone else....go be with them.

 

[Fine 4s]

I think some level of insecurity is normal. Its like having children, and you love them so much that when you hear about bad things on the news, etc you have to force yourself not to do the 'what if that was my child' thing.

One thing that strikes me about couples and insecurity is that women are often afraid to reveal the insecurity for fear that it will turn the man off.

Your concerns and fears come from a real place - something you've seen or experienced - and your spouse should be concerned about your wellness if there is something that you need to work thru. I don't mean that you nag him or constantly talk about the fact that you're afraid he is gonna cheat, but whatever concerns you should concern him.

DH and I discuss everything. His fears and mine. And early on in my marriage that was very helpful.

That said, a person is going to do what's in THEM to do. I look back at our relationship sometimes and think 'did that really happen' and 'how the hell did that happen' and it's usually because we didn't talk about something that we were too embarrassed to admit that bothered us.

Cheating could happen in my relationship now. It can happen anytime. But now I'm more likely to tell him 'I'm lonely and I'm finding myself craving attention from other men." For example.

I'm sure that is not easy for him to hear. It's not easy to say, but its the truth. And it happens in lots of relationships.

And if I stay mute and keep feeling unfulfilled, I'm more likely to indulge in attention from a 'friend' on Facebook or some ish....and the next thing you know, we are bumping uglies.

That almost happened to me a few years ago. Thank god dh called me on it and I got myself together.

But him calling me on my mess, based on his instincts and knowledge of me was a learned behavior. We both learned that together and got to this place thru trial and error.

Cheating is real, it is hurtful, and its something you should talk about like every other thing that could be a benefit or threat to the success of your marriage.

It's never about the other person. So don't worry about how fine women are. It's hardly ever about 'new snussy.' Cheating starts in someone's heart...and if you guys trust each other enough to communicate even the ugly truths, you can stop it before it starts.

And if he won't talk, and does it anyway....it won't destroy you. And it's not your fault.

OMG I want to reach out and give you a BIG hug. This is exactly what we do! I love love love that you two do this because as was previously mentioned, you can absolutely find yourself attracted to someone else, you're human. Not only is it what you DO about that feeling but how much you feel comfortable communicating with your partner about it AND how you help eachother out. You just gotta start with being realistic and AWARE about the human behavior, mind and emotions...the flesh is weak!!!

You are very brave to say that. Cheating (and beating) are not only deal breakers at this point in my life but I wouldnt advise a man to go to sleep on me. He should leave for his own safety.
I dont think I could ever accept that. I'd have to worry about whether he would still have feelings for this other woman or if he secretly wants to be with her and makes himself miserable staying with me. I just feel once you violate your vows and open yourself to someone else....go be with them.

You know, I know some couples who've survived and honestly the women have said, "i wasn't going anywhere anyway..." I think they just view relationships between man/woman differently or more reaslistically IMO.

 

[deltadreamland]

Great thread! I share these same fears to a T that you ladies have so eloquently stated. It's like every time he goes somewhere without me, that little devil is tapping on my shoulder saying, "you know damn well he's not going to watch the game with his boys." And the thoughts just go on and on and on. Sometimes I don't care about my thoughts, but most of the time it secretly drives me nuts, because he has no clue what I'm thinking.

I always say to myself that whoever the chick is, she has to stay pissed off and she is truly a part-time chick, because most of his time is spent with me. However, I do realize that whenever there is a will and a desire, there is a way. But come what may, I'm sure if it happens, I will be just fine.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

 

[ThickHair]

You are very brave to say that. Cheating (and beating) are not only deal breakers at this point in my life but I wouldnt advise a man to go to sleep on me. He should leave for his own safety.
I dont think I could ever accept that. I'd have to worry about whether he would still have feelings for this other woman or if he secretly wants to be with her and makes himself miserable staying with me. I just feel once you violate your vows and open yourself to someone else....go be with them.

You know, I know some couples who've survived and honestly the women have said, "i wasn't going anywhere anyway..." I think they just view relationships between man/woman differently or more reaslistically IMO.

In case like this that I have know about, it is because a person cheat once or twice, not constantly. The couple got together, talked it out, did counseling, etc and moved on and have a happy life. I have never known it to work out with serial cheaters though. I think that makes a big difference ie once or twice cheated vs a serial cheater.

 

[LivingInPeace]

My husband is the first man who I haven't worried will cheat on me. In previous relationships I was almost always sure the guy would cheat. And generally that was true.

I can't say that my husband won't cheat. I can't say that I won't cheat. We're just human beings. Hopefully, when tempted, we can both hold out. And as someone asked upthread, yes, sometimes, having sex with the same person does get old. At least it does for me. But that's life. That's why sometimes I don't mind when we go awhile without having sex because when we do, it seems more exciting.