Fear of Cheating

[ChasingBliss]

Before marrying, one of my biggest fears about getting married was actually finding out that a dh is cheating. It scared the crap out of me because unlike a relationship, walking away is far more difficult --but doable. But more than that, the pain of deceit, dishonor and disrespect of vows.

As a married woman I see how much closer you can feel to a man because he is your husband and you are his wife. It's so much different that a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. There is not only a deeper love (or should be) there is an obligation to the other. You in a sense do answer to him and he to you. You allow yourself to be vulnerable now because this is your husband. You no longer have to act tough and protected --if that's understandable.

On that note, I find myself fearing things that have not happened. My vulnerability has left me feeling a little more open than I want to be. The thought of my husband cheating on me...just the thought is very painful. He gives me no reason to feel like he is doing this, but I still have these fears.

Is this normal? Was/is their anything you feared in your marriage that you had to come to terms with? Does the fear ever go away?

I need to get my head together because at times it makes me act insecure and I hate it.

 

[secretdiamond]

OP, I could have written your post word for word. One of the (many) reasons I have put off marriage. This fear that has been unfounded, but still consumes my thinking and future plans. I think I can handle it in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. Just leave. But in a marriage? it feels like it would be so much more worse. Being married makes you so vulnerable & thus, open to a deeper, greater pain. I think it stems from me seeing so many examples of married cheating IRL. So, in my head, I'm like, why get married? I feel staying unmarried gives me the upper hand in situations like this... like a coat of armor.. can walk away less wounded than if I had been married (as wrong as this thinking may be). And then, to have kids on top of marriage? Forget about it.

But, it's keeping me from moving forward in my life. And, could mess up my relationship. I am trying & now, am ready for marriage. Still, he points out that I still act insecure, at times. And, it's true. I need to change because if I don't, I may lose him. Over nothing.

 

[gabulldawg]

I do think it is normal to some degree. When you truly love someone you can't help but worry about losing them (in whatever capacity). I struggle with those fears myself, but they are usually fleeting. Like you said, DH gives me no reason to distrust him. I think that as long as you are not given a reason to worry then you should work on not letting those thoughts/fears get the best of you. When DH and I first started dating I experienced a lot of anxiety about this because of my past. Is there past history that causes you to feel this way?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

If you have a good man, you should not be living in fear of him cheating. Good men do cheat too, but you usually can see that your relationship is in trouble and things are not right long before an affair comes along. If everything is going well and your husband cheats anyway, then he's just a dog and you probably knew that before you got married. Affairs are generally a symptom of a troubled marriage, and not the source of the trouble. You should focus on keeping your relationship strong and doing regular maintenance to address any issues before they get out of hand and to make sure you're on the same page.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I do think it is normal to some degree. When you truly love someone you can't help but worry about losing them (in whatever capacity). I struggle with those fears myself, but they are usually fleeting. Like you said, DH gives me no reason to distrust him. I think that as long as you are not given a reason to worry then you should work on not letting those thoughts/fears get the best of you. When DH and I first started dating I experienced a lot of anxiety about this because of my past. Is there past history that causes you to feel this way?

Yes the past history was the thing that happened to me in 2009 with someone else. It hurt me deeply and I believe I shared some of that in the relationship thread. It left me a distrustful to a degree. But I thought I had ample time to get past that.

I know dh doesnt deserve me acting insecure about things that have no roots with him. This is why I want to do better. I just wanted to know if I was alone or is this a natural thing that occurs when you marry in that your insecurities/vulnerabilities become magnified.

 

[hopeful]

I think it is natural if one, the dh is behaving in a way that is troublesome or two, if you have deep-rooted anxieties. I have found that deep down I worry about things because of my childhood. I subconsciously worry that everything will fall apart because it did over and over throughout my childhood. Just realizing how deep rooted this issue is for me. Also, women have become so thirsty these days, single or married, just thirsty if a man is good-looking, successful, whatever the case, and that is annoying as well. What helps me is to stay more focused on myself (health, beauty, well-being) and to say to myself, well if the worst happens, then what? And the answer is always, I will be fine. So long as I have me and God I'll be okay. I remind myself that men are not the prize even though many women think otherwise. I'm the prize and if my dh ever thought otherwise or wanted someone else, then I wouldn't want him. So my point is it's okay, work through it, and don't feel bad about being human.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I think it is natural if one, the dh is behaving in a way that is troublesome or two, if you have deep-rooted anxieties. I have found that deep down I worry about things because of my childhood. I subconsciously worry that everything will fall apart because it did over and over throughout my childhood. Just realizing how deep rooted this issue is for me. Also, women have become so thirsty these days, single or married, just thirsty if a man is good-looking, successful, whatever the case, and that is annoying as well. What helps me is to stay more focused on myself (health, beauty, well-being) and to say to myself, well if the worst happens, then what? And the answer is always, I will be fine. So long as I have me and God I'll be okay. I remind myself that men are not the prize even though many women think otherwise. I'm the prize and if my dh ever thought otherwise or wanted someone else, then I wouldn't want him. So my point is it's okay, work through it, and don't feel bad about being human.

WOW, the bolded regarding thirst is so on point. This is also another aspect of my thoughts although not very strong but very real. Women have become very thirsty these days. But I dont really care so much about them, because...he stood in front of me and vowed to be faithful. Not them...they are just being what they are thirsty h's.

But like you, I focus on health, beauty and wellbeing DAILY. But sometimes that isnt enough to calm fears... those times when I allow myself to imagine the wcs. Once I let that devil in...my mind just goes.

I feel that I am in the middle of personal and spiritual growth and it's never easy because during that process I think one will have to address things they thought they've put to bed or threw into the sea. Things that will have to be resolved before moving to a greater level. True intimacy/vulnerability does not mean, be so open that you scare yourself to death. I need to find balance and again address my issues.

 

[Lucie]

I guess because I have been cheated on, I don't fear it so much. I know that I can get through it or that I can walk, depending on the circumstances. There is no rhyme/reason to a cheater. If a person is going to cheat, they will do it. It has nothing to do with you (in most cases) and everything to do with their lack of integrity. Nonetheless, I worry not about these things because at the end of the day I know I will be okay. Good luck to you OP.

 

[janiebaby]

On that note, I find myself fearing things that have not happened.

This is me to a T.....I'm in this thread looking for tips that can help because my awareness of my fear (which is something else) isn't moving me past it.

 

[StarScream35]

Though I have never been married, I can see why you are worried and I think it's normal. As a single woman you probably experienced lots of married men coming on to you. I know I do. As a matter of fact I have three married men trying to talk to me right now and I find it disrespectful to me and their wives. I don't know if you are a woman of God or not but all I can say is pray for him and your marriage and ask God to be the center at all times. Good luck OP!

 

[ChasingBliss]

Thanks everyone. I am relieved to know that I'm not alone....that some have felt something like this at one time or another. One thing I learned is that insecurities can creep up on you at any time and any age and force you to deal with unresolved stuff. Its never over until you fix it.

 

[onyxdreams]

Men will cheat whether you are the perfect wife or not. The cheating has very little to do with you ,many times it is the character of the man. My point is,worrying will not prevent anything as a matter of fact it might cause anxiety.Trust that he married you because you are special, thirst birds and all life goes on.I have been married for quite sometime and I have worried,frat and made a foul out of myself. Trust me, all you do when behaving insecure is present yourself in a manner of weakness.
Now needless to say, I believe married women should always have a plan B, in case something happens.

 

[shespoison]

I used to be afraid of being cheated on. Even something as simple as him paying another woman attention. I have since realized that when I focus on myself and finding my own happiness, things shift and he is now more worried about what I am doing.

I used to check emails, phones and facebook. I just decided if I ever have to do all of that it is not worth it. It took sometime but I like being the one that is cherished and "worried" about. Being secure in yourself and what you have to offer as a unique human being changes everything.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Interesting you've posted this OP because I'm going through something similar. I'm not married but I'm watching a long-standing marriage fall apart right before my eyes and it's made me wary of marriage and question if even want it anymore.

I agree with wheresthehair about finding your own happiness and focusing on that though.

 

[onyxdreams]

I used to be afraid of being cheated on. Even something as simple as him paying another woman attention. I have since realized that when I focus on myself and finding my own happiness, things shift and he is now more worried about what I am doing.

I used to check emails, phones and facebook. I just decided if I ever have to do all of that it is not worth it. It took sometime but I like being the one that is cherished and "worried" about. Being secure in yourself and what you have to offer as a unique human being changes everything.

Beautifully stated and the absolute truth!

 

[Son26]

I think it is natural if one, the dh is behaving in a way that is troublesome or two, if you have deep-rooted anxieties. I have found that deep down I worry about things because of my childhood. I subconsciously worry that everything will fall apart because it did over and over throughout my childhood. Just realizing how deep rooted this issue is for me. Also, women have become so thirsty these days, single or married, just thirsty if a man is good-looking, successful, whatever the case, and that is annoying as well. What helps me is to stay more focused on myself (health, beauty, well-being) and to say to myself, well if the worst happens, then what? And the answer is always, I will be fine. So long as I have me and God I'll be okay. I remind myself that men are not the prize even though many women think otherwise. I'm the prize and if my dh ever thought otherwise or wanted someone else, then I wouldn't want him. So my point is it's okay, work through it, and don't feel bad about being human.

I love this post hopeful

 

[deltagyrl]

OP, this happened to me and I survived. My marriage, however, did not. Oddly enough, I believe that we could have made it.

I like what someone said upthread about being the one worried about. That is the way it is supposed to be. A man who truly loved you would never intentionally hurt you in that way.

Continue to work on getting to the root of that insecurity and become your best version of yourself.

I wish you all the best.

 

[StarScream35]

I'm certainly not trying to be funny here and maybe I'm naive because I have never been married but some ladies are saying it's best when you are not worrying but the one being worried about. While I see where they are coming from this is a fatal error lots of women make with men. We assume it's better when the man is worrying about you because it gives a false sense of security however all it does is breed an insecure relationship that is open to problems. I think it's a healthy relationship when both individuals are secure with each other and trust each other in order to have and maintain a loving relationship.

I was in a relationship where I was worried about and while it was cute to me and my friends and female relatives, it eventually became pure hell. Never ever again!

 

[gabulldawg]

I also wanted to come back and add that therapy could help with some anxiety/fear relating to this issue. I was in therapy during the transition from my ex to my now dh and I think it helped me immensely. I really don't know if I could've began and maintained a healthy relationship with dh if I hadn't dealt with my issues from the past.

 

[hopeful]

I wanted to come back too and add three things:

1. It's okay to be open and vulnerable with your dh too. He didn't just marry the secure you, the confident you, he married all of ChasingBliss and perfection is not required. If he's doing anything that's contributing to your worries then he should work on that as it is likely an area of weakness for him. And if he's doing nothing at all, his love and comfort can help you heal. Being loved wholely is healing . A big part of a dh's "job" is to cover you: physically, financially, and emotionally.

2. Feeling insecure is also a reminder that life is simply full of surprises, good and bad. It's scary excepting that we only have so much control. But then if we had complete control and knew the future, we wouldn't seek God's comfort and assurances.

3. If a dh betrays you and you are being a kind, sweet, loving wife, it's not your fault , not about you.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Thank you hopeful. Your words are very comforting, enlightening and just truth all around. I'm feeling much better today as I consider everything said here and my own healthy reasoning.

gabulldawg I'm currently seeing a therapist now and am thinking of putting that on the table. I'm glad to hear a positive outcome with you. A lot of women will go from relationship to relationship bringing baggage and mess to their new men (me too) without even realizing it. Never thinking until there's trouble "um, I need help dealing with some things".

All of you offered some really good advice and thoughts. Thanks for sharing with me.

 

[Fine 4s]

One of the many reasons I stayed with an ex (not husband) was the fear of being cheated on by other men. He made me think that 'those' men out there were dogs and I should fear them! I believed he was faithful. Now I am scared EVERY DAY.but I'm learning to slowly let go and I'm much happier. Being too paranoid WILL push them away for sure and also make you APPEAR less confident which is also a turn off for some men.


ETA- The more I read the more I want to discuss this!

This fear is so crippling. I'm reading that Michael Baisden book and yo...people are just DIRTY, GUTTER! And honestly, it doesn't help that my bestie is the BIGGEST dog EVER. Some of the women KNOW about his live-in gf, come in her face, laugh with her etc. He has made me EXTREMELY paranoid. I have other male friends who are good guys but they also do stuff that I know wouldn't sit right with me (innocent but still). Nothing crazy but it would make me jealous. But they are GOOD guys hands down. Nobody is perfect and temptation is EVERYWHERE and an EVERYDAY battle for some people.

I have no reason to suspect cheating, yet, I feel like eventually...it's bound to happen and that I'm just counting my days. Like how could a man be with ONE woman for the REST of his life? Why would he want to with all these fine dime brizzles all around? lol I mean some of ya'll are just F.L.Y.!!! Don't get me wrong, I know my value but I also think some people like diversity, that new P, that new challenge...
Let me stop before I get myself all worked up lol

My ex was an ****** HERMIT and I NEVER (well hardly worried) about him but he also had no swag. It gave me a sense of control that now I don't have.

I swear I should date a blind guy, that's the only way I'd be 100% secure and even then...

 

[shespoison]

By "worried" about, I meant cherished. I don't need an insecure man. Someone who understands my value enough *not to do anything to jeopardize losing me.

I'm certainly not trying to be funny here and maybe I'm naive because I have never been married but some ladies are saying it's best when you are not worrying but the one being worried about. While I see where they are coming from this is a fatal error lots of women make with men. We assume it's better when the man is worrying about you because it gives a false sense of security however all it does is breed an insecure relationship that is open to problems. I think it's a healthy relationship when both individuals are secure with each other and trust each other in order to have and maintain a loving relationship.

I was in a relationship where I was worried about and while it was cute to me and my friends and female relatives, it eventually became pure hell. Never ever again!

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm certainly not trying to be funny here and maybe I'm naive because I have never been married but some ladies are saying it's best when you are not worrying but the one being worried about. While I see where they are coming from this is a fatal error lots of women make with men. We assume it's better when the man is worrying about you because it gives a false sense of security however all it does is breed an insecure relationship that is open to problems. I think it's a healthy relationship when both individuals are secure with each other and trust each other in order to have and maintain a loving relationship.

I was in a relationship where I was worried about and while it was cute to me and my friends and female relatives, it eventually became pure hell. Never ever again!

@the bolded!
I never understood that goal of having the man either be more in love or more worried that you will leave, cheat or fall out of love with him etc....I hear it often but I'm always left scratching my head like "why would they want to be with someone they're worried about?"

Maybe the basis for this goal is because they think men have more power relationships or that we have the more vulnerable position? So the more they feel for you, the more it levels the balance of power??? IDK...

 

[Fine 4s]

I think it is natural if one, the dh is behaving in a way that is troublesome or two, if you have deep-rooted anxieties. I have found that deep down I worry about things because of my childhood. I subconsciously worry that everything will fall apart because it did over and over throughout my childhood. Just realizing how deep rooted this issue is for me. Also, women have become so thirsty these days, single or married, just thirsty if a man is good-looking, successful, whatever the case, and that is annoying as well. What helps me is to stay more focused on myself (health, beauty, well-being) and to say to myself, well if the worst happens, then what? And the answer is always, I will be fine. So long as I have me and God I'll be okay. I remind myself that men are not the prize even though many women think otherwise. I'm the prize and if my dh ever thought otherwise or wanted someone else, then I wouldn't want him. So my point is it's okay, work through it, and don't feel bad about being human.

hopeful

Yes! Yes! and Yes!
Father leaving mother for white woman, check!

Focus on me and that's the only way I can manage my anxiety (along with not being in his face all the time which was directly related to me trying to have control or KNOW where he's at all times, check!

And yes, I will be fine...I'll probably feel my heart ripping from my chest for a few weeks but nothing a lil' band-aid can't fix and...check!

 

[Zaynab]

@the bolded!
I never understood that goal of having the man either be more in love or more worried that you will leave, cheat or fall out of love with him etc....I hear it often but I'm always left scratching my head like "why would they want to be with someone they're worried about?"

Maybe the basis for this goal is because they think men have more power relationships or that we have the more vulnerable position? So the more they feel for you, the more it levels the balance of power??? IDK...

I'm certainly not trying to be funny here and maybe I'm naive because I have never been married but some ladies are saying it's best when you are not worrying but the one being worried about. While I see where they are coming from this is a fatal error lots of women make with men. We assume it's better when the man is worrying about you because it gives a false sense of security however all it does is breed an insecure relationship that is open to problems. I think it's a healthy relationship when both individuals are secure with each other and trust each other in order to have and maintain a loving relationship.

I was in a relationship where I was worried about and while it was cute to me and my friends and female relatives, it eventually became pure hell. Never ever again!

I'm one of the married women that say this. It's not so much about being in a one sided relationship (him loving you more) or having a false sense of security at all. Being worried about me, IMO means he's so into me that he wouldn't want to cheat, his devotion is there, not some deranged man that's stalking me or controlling me. I do believe though from personal experience and observation that when a woman is very concerned about cheating or so in love with a man-and I don't think you can be "too in love". But maybe some women can feel desperate or vulnerable to the very thing they are hoping NOT to happen. The women I've seen worry themselves crazy about cheating, almost sort of manifest it in a way by being too shrill,desperate and controlling and that lack of trust can spawn many other things. BUT cheating is common and rampant, I try not to worry about cheating because IT can happen, I don't think you can stop it if it will, you can just be the best spouse on your end you can be. I'm a realist and I know I can only control what I do and God so I don't set myself up for a self-defeating attitude. I don't think you can be all in in a marriage with a fear of the person cheating. I never say what a man won't do, I say what they will do and honestly hope that DH's character, love for me won't allow him to succumb to cheating. I don't think cheating per se sends everyone to divorce either but that's a different thread.

 

[Zaynab]

One of the many reasons I stayed with an ex (not husband) was the fear of being cheated on by other men. He made me think that 'those' men out there were dogs and I should fear them! I believed he was faithful. Now I am scared EVERY DAY.but I'm learning to slowly let go and I'm much happier. Being too paranoid WILL push them away for sure and also make you APPEAR less confident which is also a turn off for some men.


ETA- The more I read the more I want to discuss this!

This fear is so crippling. I'm reading that Michael Baisden book and yo...people are just DIRTY, GUTTER! And honestly, it doesn't help that my bestie is the BIGGEST dog EVER. Some of the women KNOW about his live-in gf, come in her face, laugh with her etc. He has made me EXTREMELY paranoid. I have other male friends who are good guys but they also do stuff that I know wouldn't sit right with me (innocent but still). Nothing crazy but it would make me jealous. But they are GOOD guys hands down. Nobody is perfect and temptation is EVERYWHERE and an EVERYDAY battle for some people.

I have no reason to suspect cheating, yet, I feel like eventually...it's bound to happen and that I'm just counting my days. Like how could a man be with ONE woman for the REST of his life? Why would he want to with all these fine dime brizzles all around? lol I mean some of ya'll are just F.L.Y.!!! Don't get me wrong, I know my value but I also think some people like diversity, that new P, that new challenge...
Let me stop before I get myself all worked up lol

My ex was an ****** HERMIT and I NEVER (well hardly worried) about him but he also had no swag. It gave me a sense of control that now I don't have.

I swear I should date a blind guy, that's the only way I'd be 100% secure and even then...

All men don't cheat, alot do but alot don't. I think it's just a judgement and character issue. I know some cheating men but I know some that wouldn't dream of it.

 

[ChasingBliss]

One of the many reasons I stayed with an ex (not husband) was the fear of being cheated on by other men. He made me think that 'those' men out there were dogs and I should fear them! I believed he was faithful. Now I am scared EVERY DAY.but I'm learning to slowly let go and I'm much happier. Being too paranoid WILL push them away for sure and also make you APPEAR less confident which is also a turn off for some men.


ETA- The more I read the more I want to discuss this!

This fear is so crippling. I'm reading that Michael Baisden book and yo...people are just DIRTY, GUTTER! And honestly, it doesn't help that my bestie is the BIGGEST dog EVER. Some of the women KNOW about his live-in gf, come in her face, laugh with her etc. He has made me EXTREMELY paranoid. I have other male friends who are good guys but they also do stuff that I know wouldn't sit right with me (innocent but still). Nothing crazy but it would make me jealous. But they are GOOD guys hands down. Nobody is perfect and temptation is EVERYWHERE and an EVERYDAY battle for some people.

I have no reason to suspect cheating, yet, I feel like eventually...it's bound to happen and that I'm just counting my days. Like how could a man be with ONE woman for the REST of his life? Why would he want to with all these fine dime brizzles all around? lol I mean some of ya'll are just F.L.Y.!!! Don't get me wrong, I know my value but I also think some people like diversity, that new P, that new challenge...
Let me stop before I get myself all worked up lol

My ex was an ****** HERMIT and I NEVER (well hardly worried) about him but he also had no swag. It gave me a sense of control that now I don't have.

I swear I should date a blind guy, that's the only way I'd be 100% secure and even then...

Wow thank you for sharing that. I have dealt with some of the same thoughts you have.

It bothers me that you would anticipate your new man cheating on you and your counting the days. But how am I any different eh? The fear is fear no matter how we look at it.

I just meditated on some things and prayed for a renewed mindset. Now I'm going to start by living as if I already have what I prayed for. I'm so tired of some of my thoughts. I told my mom that I think the problem is I tend to live in my head. I give too much head space to things I have no control over....time to get out more.

 

[hopeful]

This has turned into such a wonderful thread.

Fine 4s
The company you keep makes a big difference. Being besties with that one guy is harming you. I would create a lot of distance between myself and him. But really, wow at your growth--recognizing being around so much was being controlling. Yep, checked myself on some of that controlling stuff at the end of 2012, and trying my best to be more carefree in 2013. Ain't no man worth alladat. There are sooo many men in the world--shooo the one we got can be replaced if necessary . But seriously I recognize that it's not even really about the man, it's about fear in general. You know that phrase about there only being two true emotions or feelings: love and fear? I think it's true.

 

[Britt]

I worry about this as well and I'm not married. I do plan on getting married and my SO is a good man of character but I totally see where Fine4s and OP is coming from. The thought of sharing my life and being attached to my DH to find out he's betrayed me by having an affair. It's a thought that goes through the back of my mind at times and I'd imagine it would prob intensify if we get married. If he does have an affair I just hope that he ends it w/o me finding out.

The other day I was in the mall w/ SO and enjoying each others company and the thought flashed through my mind out of nowhere --- is monogamy natural? And just as I wonder about my SO or men cheating, and just like ain't nothing like new pu$$y ain't nothing like new and exciting lover too. Idk, idk... I do wonder how one can keep having sex over and over and over with the same person. Just regular day to day living w/someone and fulfulling basic domestic duties becomes ho hum. This can be a bit taboo, but I wish it was more discussed.