Ever dated a depressed man?

[BGT]

Some background: SO and I have been together for 1 year, 4 months. He's 20 and I'm 23. I graduated this May with a business degree and work full time. He starts community college in January (maybe) and works at Target. I make a lot more money but I have more expenses (car, insurance, student loans, credit cards). I live with my brother and aunt. He lives at home with his parents. That doesn't bother me because I didn't live on my own until I was 22 although I came back after my mom passed away last month. He's my first and only everything (even first kiss).

SO hasn't been diagnosed with depression, but I suffered with it for a long time and know some of the symptoms. He always says that "I'm too good for him, and why did I choose him, I could have chosen someone better. Why don't I just break up with him and find a better guy? He's such a bad boyfriend. Why do you put up with me?" He's almost convinced me that he's rotten. I love him very much, but when he gets to talking like that, I question our relationship. I can't even respond to his questions because sometimes I agree with him. He's just 20; I can't expect him to be rolling in dough, but I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to go out to eat every once in a while. He says I make him feel bad when he can't afford things but even free things (like my office's Christmas party) he won't do.

I also sometimes question our long term compatibility. I can be very soft spoken and not fight back (because of how I was raised), but he grew up in a yelling, screaming household, so even when he raises his voice a bit, I feel attacked, even if that was not his intention.

I don't know. I don't want to break up with him because I love him very much and he loves me very much. I want to patient with him while he continues to grow because I'm still young too. I guess I just want to know how to support him at this time.

 

[BGT]

We had a talk tonight and he said I'm very critical of him. He basically feels like a failure because people only talk about his shortcomings. He's very scared about college because he barely passed high school and feels like he might fail out. I told him I would try to do a better job of telling him when he does things right instead of only telling him when he does bad things.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

If you love him even though you are young fight for it but if you don't walk now. They say a man tells you everything you need to know about him with his actions. He is insecure and reminds me of a ex-fh of mine. Don't waste your youth on someone who doesn't have drive like you. Mention the things that are great and bad. It's not your job to boost his ego. Your the catch so always remember that.

 

[Fine 4s]

Yes and tried to saaaaave him

He still struggling....

 

[SamandI]

Drop him. He will start to resent you for his shortcomings as you move up in your career and continue to guilt trip you. Ask me how I know.

 

[DarkJoy]

Sounds like my ex at that age (we are now late 30s). Exact same spiel when we first started out: I was working, going to college. He was depressed, not really working, no real plans for school, saying the same things as your ex about me being too good. The he was too depressed to get a real job because in his words, "would never do well with a boss looming over him and deadlines". He couldn't muster himself out of the depression enough to take one single class.

Then there we were in our early-mid 30s, me supporting his PERPETUALLY depressed grownazs behind with a kid. We're getting a divorce now.

Run, darlin', run!

 

[ManeStreet]

Everybody gets a lil down sometimes, thats normal & understandable. BUT I will never date a man who has history (which he hid) of depression ever again. It will end up affecting Every aspect of the relationship. you will pretty much end up being in a relationship by yourself because the other person is incapacitated and unable to deal with everyday life.

it's so horrible cycle of them acting regular then pulling away. It's exhausting trying to pull someone out of a pit of darkness. Then 1 day you realize you're getting absolutely nothing from the relationship and you're giving everything.

 

[DarkJoy]

ManeStreet is on point.

 

[IrrationalThoughts]

Yes, my bf is depressed with extreme anxiety. EXTREME... It is hard, and the problem is exacerbated by the fact that I also suffer from anxiety and bi polar. I guess my suffering from it makes me a little more sensitive to some of the crap - yep crap- he pulls. We both have issues, but they manifest themselves differently. I do feel like I have to constantly pull him up and along and I don't get the same emotional support :/.

He is trying to work on his issues, but it is a slow road. If your SO doesn't think that there is an issue, he isn't going to get better. Talk to him about what you think is going on. Not to be critical (I get that same BS) but that you know that he can do what he sets his mind to and talking to a professional, can help him make up his mind.

 

[Ganjababy]

Op, you are too young to be putting up with all of that. You cannot save him. Only he can save himself.

If you were married years and he only became like this after, I would suggest you try and salvage this relationship.

However you met him like this. I doubt very much things will improve. Life is too short and you are too young to put up with all of that. Save yourself.

 

[Renewed1]

Drop him. He will start to resent you for his shortcomings as you move up in your career and continue to guilt trip you. Ask me how I know.

+1000. If you can't "drop him" put some distance between you and him. Don't talk about work, school, don't financially support him, don't feed his guilt complex and DON"T MOTIVATE HIM (he'll see it as a slap in the face).......let him figure out HIS problems on his own....don't help him.

I know it's hard opster, but a man feels a certain type of way when the woman is more successful.

And PLEASE don't make the mistake I did and lower your self to try to match with him.

A real man, a man that loves you, will use your successes as a motivating force to do better in his life. And not view you as competition or fuel to destroy your self-esteem.

 

[Perfexion]

Sounds like my DH at times. Why is it when a woman feels insecure about herself, she will damn near kill herself to try to improve but a man will just sit around and whine about it? I can't really give you advice because I'm in the same situation. Some men just need to grow a pair and sort their lives out without all the dramatics, (my man included). If you stay with him you have to figure out how to give him an encouraging little push in the right direction without becoming his mother. If you leave him you have to keep reminding yourself it's the best thing for the both of you.

 

[naturallygoldie]

Behind every good man, is a great woman. A woman who knows when to give and when to draw the line and say "snap out of it ****"... Well not those words exactly, but you catch my drift?
It depends on the level of depression that you can tolerate. If he's functional, has goals of bettering himself and actually shows that he appreciates you - stick with him. As another poster said, your success should motivate him. At the end of the day, sincerely you have to ask yourself if you can deal with it.

 

[BGT]

Behind every good man, is a great woman. A woman who knows when to give and when to draw the line and say "snap out of it ****"... Well not those words exactly, but you catch my drift?
It depends on the level of depression that you can tolerate. If he's functional, has goals of bettering himself and actually shows that he appreciates you - stick with him. As another poster said, your success should motivate him. At the end of the day, sincerely you have to ask yourself if you can deal with it.

This sounds like SO. He is starting school in January and will be applying for internships and certifications too. He does show that he appreciates me and he's very proud of my accomplishments. I guess he is just a little ashamed that he can't match up to me yet. He's looking into finding a new job, one that will be flexible with his class schedule.

I guess i'm patient with him because I suffered with severe depression for a long time and if I had an SO at that time who left me because he couldn't deal with my symptoms I'd have been very hurt.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[ThickHair]

SO hasn't been diagnosed with depression, but I suffered with it for a long time and know some of the symptoms. He always says that "I'm too good for him, and why did I choose him, I could have chosen someone better. Why don't I just break up with him and find a better guy? He's such a bad boyfriend. Why do you put up with me?" He's almost convinced me that he's rotten. I love him very much, but when he gets to talking like that, I question our relationship. I can't even respond to his questions because sometimes I agree with him. He's just 20; I can't expect him to be rolling in dough, but I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to go out to eat every once in a while. He says I make him feel bad when he can't afford things but even free things (like my office's Christmas party) he won't do.

I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like he wants to break up, but doesn't have the balls to do it.

 

[BGT]

I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like he wants to break up, but doesn't have the balls to do it.

That's what I thought too but when I brought it up this morning he said those were his words in the moment and he was sad and he loves me very much. I don't think he wants to break up.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[msdeevee]

You have been given great advice from everyone but you are making excuses for him. That's what we do when we love a man.

At your ages 20 is very young for a man. He has a Lot of growing & maturing to do and especially if he grew up in a dysfunctional home, girl you don't know what your getting yourself into.

Since obviously you want to stay with him maybe suggest he see a therapist just to talk out his issues. I doubt he'd do that but if you really want to go through with this relationship it's worth a shot .

A man that has the issues that you say he has can make your life miserable trying to cure him and give him what he needs while your stressed out trying o take care of him & yourself and please don't bring no kids into it. Not yet.

Low self esteem issues can also bring other problems like constant cheating to always prove to himself that he is a desirable man. I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I've seen this scenario a few times.

 

[naturallygoldie]

^^^^ op, it may sound harsh but worth considering with an open, objective mind.

An old neighbor of mine (he's suffered depression, socially aloof,low iq) posted something like "I'm not looking for a great woman, just one who won't give up on me." I immediately thought of this post.

You has some thinking to do Ms. Lady

 

[MsSanz92]

If you are clinically depressed and unhappy with your current state of life, you need NOT to be in a relationship. I was in a similar situation as the OP for almost two years and I only very recently fully dropped him from my life. People like that want to lean on others to help them through their issues but they themselves need to fix them on their own. Our job as women is not to save men, but to be supportive through rough patches, not long bouts of underachievement/lack of self improvement.

 

[prettynatural]

I have a friend like him, sounds like he has some self esteem issues. I can't tell you what to do but I will say that you should not spend your youth waiting and hoping that people will change. You have to draw the line somewhere and figure out is this relationship the BEST relationship for you. Good luck!