Estranged Father's

[naijaGal]

I think this belongs in this forum or maybe 'Off topic'. I can't decide so here it is.

I was talking to a 2ple of male friends the other day. One has a baby with an ex. the other is separated with 3 kids, soon to be divorced.
Here's the thing, the 1st guy, his baby’s mother won't let him see the child, no photo's nothing, just one the day she was born and that’s it. I think the kids nearly one now but she demands huge amounts of money from him. He always pays up cos he feels that way his kids being taken care of. The 2nd guy, well he had a nervous breakdown and is now just coming off medication cos of the stress of his ex not letting him see his kids once he moved out.

I accept some father's who don't act responsibly towards their children probably should stay away to avoid disruption in their kids lives but I really can't understand why some women are vindictive to the point where they deny their kids access to the dad bcos they're hurting cos the feel dumped. How do they explain the absence of the dad when the kid is old enough to ask?

There's an organisation here in the UK called Justice for Dad's where fathers are fighting the courts vehemently to be allowed access to see their kids. Sometimes the world seems like such an unfair place

It puzzles me.

 

[envybeauty]

I think this belongs in this forum or maybe 'Off topic'. I can't decide so here it is.

I was talking to a 2ple of male friends the other day. One has a baby with an ex. the other is separated with 3 kids, soon to be divorced.
Here's the thing, the 1st guy, his baby’s mother won't let him see the child, no photo's nothing, just one the day she was born and that’s it. I think the kids nearly one now but she demands huge amounts of money from him. He always pays up cos he feels that way his kids being taken care of. The 2nd guy, well he had a nervous breakdown and is now just coming off medication cos of the stress of his ex not letting him see his kids once he moved out.

I accept some father's who don't act responsibly towards their children probably should stay away to avoid disruption in their kids lives but I really can't understand why some women are vindictive to the point where they deny their kids access to the dad bcos they're hurting cos the feel dumped. How do they explain the absence of the dad when the kid is old enough to ask?

There's an organisation here in the UK called Justice for Dad's where fathers are fighting the courts vehemently to be allowed access to see their kids. Sometimes the world seems like such an unfair place

It puzzles me.

For MOST women, it is more than just feeling dumped. Sometimes it is about being duped too! Those men are not telling you everything about what happened in their relationships and how they treated those women. I would not let me kids be around a man (albeit their father) if he didn't treat me right. I wouldn't let any family member around them if they didn't treat me right. Not about giving me money, etc. but relationships involve respect, support, etc. If someone is always putting me down or making me feel bad about myself, best believe he will not be around me or the kids until he learns how treat someone better. TOO many people grow up with self-esteem issues simply because their parents didn't know how to treat them right.

I'm not saying this is what happened in those cases, but still......

 

[Finesse]

If my husband and I were to divorce, I would not keep our children away from him. Only if he was living a lifestyle that put them in danger or if he was not stable(mind,finacially, emotionally) to take care of them when they were with him. It would not matter to me as far him seeing them how he treated me while we were married. IMO adults need to be adults and work things btw themselves, leave the kids out of it. JMO.

 

[Much2much41]

For MOST women, it is more than just feeling dumped. Sometimes it is about being duped too! Those men are not telling you everything about what happened in their relationships and how they treated those women. I would not let me kids be around a man (albeit their father) if he didn't treat me right. I wouldn't let any family member around them if they didn't treat me right. Not about giving me money, etc. but relationships involve respect, support, etc. If someone is always putting me down or making me feel bad about myself, best believe he will not be around me or the kids until he learns how treat someone better. TOO many people grow up with self-esteem issues simply because their parents didn't know how to treat them right.

I'm not saying this is what happened in those cases, but still......

What you're saying is true, but if there is no violence or sexual molestation involved, they have a right to see their children, whether the moms want them to or not. The mother does not have the right to withhold visitation, even in instances when the father isn't paying child support. It's what's in the best interest of the child, not the mother.

 

[poetist]

That is the situation with my DH. He has a baby by his ex. Everything was cool until they broke up and for the past few years she refuses to let him see their child. He has gone to court for joint custody and she never shows up. Mind you, she lives about 3000 miles aways from him, so its not too easy to be going back and forth to court hoping that she chooses to show up.

As his wife, I know how much this hurts him. No, I was not there during their relationship and I am sure that her side of the story is different than his. What I do know is that he is not emotionally or physically abusive. I also know that he pays hella money in child supprt for a child he hasnt seen in 4 years. I also know that his daughter needs him.

I have had some HORRIBLE relationships where I look back and think - man, I was stupid. But if a child resulted from a relationship that I chose to engage in, how can I keep my child from their biological father? Makes no sense.

 

[fmnnity]

I don't doubt either of their stories. I know of plenty of women who are on that crap. I can't stand it but what I can't stand even more is the punk a$$ men who whine about it without taking action. I think if more men start fighting, these women will cut out this foolishness. My friend warned his ex wife while they were still married that if they went their separate ways and she EVER tried some petty court crap he would take his child from her. Long story short, she didn't believe that grits is grocery, he is tucking in that child every night. She doesn't even visit.

 

[Much2much41]

I don't doubt either of their stories. I know of plenty of women who are on that crap. I can't stand it but what I can't stand even more is the punk a$$ men who whine about it without taking action. I think if more men start fighting, these women will cut out this foolishness. My friend warned his ex wife while they were still married that if they went their separate ways and she EVER tried some petty court crap he would take his child from her. Long story short, she didn't believe that grits is grocery, he is tucking in that child every night. She doesn't even visit.

I like that. A spin on "fat meat is greasy". I'mma steal it to use IRL. I know PLENTY of folks I could use that on.

 

[envybeauty]

What you're saying is true, but if there is no violence or sexual molestation involved, they have a right to see their children, whether the moms want them to or not. The mother does not have the right to withhold visitation, even in instances when the father isn't paying child support. It's what's in the best interest of the child, not the mother.

the world doesnt grow up in a courtroom

 

[redbone_412]

If my husband and I were to divorce, I would not keep our children away from him. Only if he was living a lifestyle that put them in danger or if he was not stable(mind,finacially, emotionally) to take care of them when they were with him. It would not matter to me as far him seeing them how he treated me while we were married. IMO adults need to be adults and work things btw themselves, leave the kids out of it. JMO.

I COMPLETELY agree w/that statement....alot of what goes on between a man and a woman is ADULT business..whether one cheated on the other, one doesn't want to be w/the other, etc, the child has nothing to do with all that nonsense. I personally know several men that are no good to women...but when it comes to their children, they are excellent fathers. Now that isn't always the case, but some men are just never given a chance b/c the woman has her own agenda.

My son's father and I broke up when he was 1..he is now 9 and we have the best relationship. Yes, we don't always get along, we do not and will not always agree but at the end of the day...my son has a very active father and I will not be responsible for taking that from him b/c I'm mad things aren't going my way. I just despise pettiness.

 

[mellowmel]

Well my daughter is 7 months and she doesn't see her father. We were together for four years, I got pregnant, he left when I was 2 months pregnant. He currently is not working and doesn't help out with anything on her behalf. He tells me he quit work to attend college. I went to college and work while pregnant (I worked a 10 hour day, the day before I was due and went home and 2 hours later started having contractions) and went back to school 6 weeks after having her and now have my degree.

He actually told me that since he isn't recognized legally as her dad (on her birth certificate), why am I stressing him about money. He lives in my hometown about 3.5 hours away and wants me to send my daughter to stay with him sometime. She doesn't even know him, since he's only seen her twice since she 2 months and one of those times is because I went home to see my parents. He doesn't have a stable place to stay, no communication means (cellphone or landline) and he wants me to send my child to him and he's never been alone with her for 10 or more minutes. He's more of a showoff- he wants to drive my daughter all over the city showing her off like he's father of the year; he actually asked why he couldn't just take her to the mall by himself when I came home. He would also rather I travel alone 3.5 hours to him so he can see her, rather than him coming to see her. One time that I can actually say I actively refused for him to see her, is when I came in the middle of the day, I was having a final this summer and he comes. He came with a girl that's a friend of his, who I really don't know and don't like in her car and wanted me to pick my daughter up and let them sit in my apartment while I went to work. I promptly told him that wouldn't be happening!

 

[fmnnity]

Well my daughter is 7 months and she doesn't see her father. We were together for four years, I got pregnant, he left when I was 2 months pregnant. He currently is not working and doesn't help out with anything on her behalf. He tells me he quit work to attend college. I went to college and work while pregnant (I worked a 10 hour day, the day before I was due and went home and 2 hours later started having contractions) and went back to school 6 weeks after having her and now have my degree.

He actually told me that since he isn't recognized legally as her dad (on her birth certificate), why am I stressing him about money. He lives in my hometown about 3.5 hours away and wants me to send my daughter to stay with him sometime. She doesn't even know him, since he's only seen her twice since she 2 months and one of those times is because I went home to see my parents. He doesn't have a stable place to stay, no communication means (cellphone or landline) and he wants me to send my child to him and he's never been alone with her for 10 or more minutes. He's more of a showoff- he wants to drive my daughter all over the city showing her off like he's father of the year; he actually asked why he couldn't just take her to the mall by himself when I came home. He would also rather I travel alone 3.5 hours to him so he can see her, rather than him coming to see her. One time that I can actually say I actively refused for him to see her, is when I came in the middle of the day, I was having a final this summer and he comes. He came with a girl that's a friend of his, who I really don't know and don't like in her car and wanted me to pick my daughter up and let them sit in my apartment while I went to work. I promptly told him that wouldn't be happening!

Yours doesn't quite sound like what we are talking about. You have legitimate reasons for turning down his unsafe and unreasonable requests. Had he come alone to sit with Miss Minnie while you were studying in the other room or whatever, I'm sure you would have complied . If he ever took the time or had the maturity to try to get to know her, you would feel differently. You sound like a good mother who has assessed the situation understand that you may have made some unsavory choices. I believe that if you thought it was safe, you would let him see his child. If I were in your situation, I would be making the exact same determinations with the information that you have given.

 

[Much2much41]

the world doesnt grow up in a courtroom

Good, because then the law prevails, and not personal feelings.