Does YOUR personal happiness depend upon HIM?

[lana]

Does your personal happiness depend upon him? I'm asking because this is something I am trying to work on in my own life. I've given it careful thought and the answer for me is: Mostly. I'm not okay with that and I'm going to change it. It's just that I never realized (before he pointed it out to me) that my personal happiness shouldn't depend upon my DH, it should depend upon ME! I would appreciate it if you would chime in and let me know how you overcame this problem. See if he's mad, having a bad day, not feeling well (which is rare) or upset with his family, or please GOD - upset with me I'm miserable! I know why I'm this way (childhood drama/trauma) and I refuse to allow it to continue and affect who I am as a person. I like and love me!

If you've overcome this issue, or just started to realize that this may be you too, please chime in and let's support each other.

 

[dlewis]

I use to be like this with my first serious boyfriend and I belive it stems from being raised that you have to have a man in your life to be important. After that relationship ended (it took me a year to break up with him) I decided I needed to work on myself. With my family encouraging me to find someone, anyone...one of my close family members even tried to set me up with a married manerplexed, just so I would have a man in my life. I worked on myself for 2 years while going out with different men here and there but something serious. When I got with my husband I was truly happy by myself. I still I'm happiest alone. That's a tough burden to put on someone else.

If Dh is having a bad day or is upset about something it does effect me. But not to the point where I'm down in the dumps because of something he's going through.

 

[Vanity1]

I am trying to get DH to understand that I am not going to be happy 100 percent of the time, and that whenever I am unhappy, it is not always about him. He is one of those people who think you are supposed to be chipper all the dangone time and that he can change your life due to his superb positive outlook on life And well, I am just not one of those people. I have my moments and prefer to be alone for the most part, because I think people have false expectations for other people in how much they dictate your happiness. That is a heavy burden, in addition to the other things you have to do in order to make a relationship thrive. I firmly believe and know I control my happiness. I do, however, believe that others can influence it. But in no way can they control it.

If DH is having an unhappy moment, it doesn't bother me. I just ask him if it because of me, and if he says no, I simply KIM. He, on the other hand, isn't like that.

Ugghhh, happiness is just an overrated concept. I ain't saying you supposed to be miserable for someone else, but life just ain't peaches and cream all the time.

 

[1Aleeesha]

My personal happiness does not depend on my husband...

The thing is though if my husband is sad or upset...Has something on his mind it does affect me in a way because I love him, we are one, and I don't want to see him down... And vice versa.

But it does not cause my personal happiness to be affected or his... Unless its a situation where the problem is with each other. I don't like him to be mad at me, and he doesn't like for me to be mad with him either so we not avoid confrontation...We can tell by now when to give one another space and this took practice its been 7.5 years for us now and it does get better.

I think sometimes women lose themselves in their marriages/men... And I understand how that happens... But since you are aware you will more easily be able to work on it at this point.

 

[honeycomb719]

I am trying to get DH to understand that I am not going to be happy 100 percent of the time, and that whenever I am unhappy, it is not always about him. He is one of those people who think you are supposed to be chipper all the dangone time and that he can change your life due to his superb positive outlook on life And well, I am just not one of those people. I have my moments and prefer to be alone for the most part, because I think people have false expectations for other people in how much they dictate your happiness. That is a heavy burden, in addition to the other things you have to do in order to make a relationship thrive. I firmly believe and know I control my happiness. I do, however, believe that others can influence it. But in no way can they control it.

If DH is having an unhappy moment, it doesn't bother me. I just ask him if it because of me, and if he says no, I simply KIM. He, on the other hand, isn't like that.

Ugghhh, happiness is just an overrated concept. I ain't saying you supposed to be miserable for someone else, but life just ain't peaches and cream all the time.

OMG!! It sounds like I could have typed this myself VERBATIM! Especially the bolded. Sounds like my fiance and your bf has the same expectations for happiness.

 

[JustKiya]

I totally understand where you are coming from, and it was something that I struggled with, and struggled hard with, early in my marriage - if he was upset, I was upset. If he was upset with me, oh sweet jesu, I didn't know what to do with myself. And yeah, for me, it was all wrapped up in daddy issues, I've got no problem in admitting that.

I learned to release my perceived responsibility for his joy. I can't make him happy. I can't even keep him happy. That's his right and his responsibility.
I realized that I was being a bit of a control freak, attempting to control his emotions/reactions in order to make myself feel better. How about I just cut out the middle man and control my emotions to make myself feel better?

I can merely do the things that are right - right for our relationship, right for me, right for him. And because neither of us are gods, and thus we are both imperfect, my right/best ain't going to be right/best all of the time. And I accept that - and realize that it's not a black mark against me as a woman or a wife - it's just another aspect of this being human thing.

It was hard - really hard - to take a deep breath and step out of owning his emotions - but it was so freeing!!! Now, he can be upset - even with me - and I'm okay with that. Yeah, I might not be super Perky Polly, because I have deep empathy and I want him to feel good - but I know that I can't make him feel better. I can support him, the best I am able. I can apologize and attempt to make amends if I did something that was in the wrong. I can leave him be, and give him the time and space to work through his emotions and be whatever kind of support that he needs. But - I have to respect his ownership of his emotions, and release any attempt to make them about 'me'.

For me, the one thing that I had to start consciously doing was choosing how I reacted - well, first I had to realize that I HAD a choice in how I reacted, and I didn't have to keep reacting to similar situations the way I used to. I would literally take like three or four deeeeeep breaths while thinking about how I SHOULD react in order to insure that I wasn't trying to take ownership of his emotions - while at the same time honoring the fact that he had them.

 

[angenoir]

Thanks for this thread. In the past I always tried to make people happy and solve their issues. So much so that I was constantly worrying and stressed out. But I put that aside this year!

I think I am firmly in the growing phase and I have discovered so much happiness within myself by just being me and being comfortable in my own skin and in being alone and being at peace.

I think I will definitely be a better person in my next relationship due to this phase.

 

[metro_qt]

I realized that I was being a bit of a control freak, attempting to control his emotions/reactions in order to make myself feel better. How about I just cut out the middle man and control my emotions to make myself feel better?
.

Right there!!!
yes!
I used to be the control freak of the relationships i was in...
it was sooo hard!
If I was happy, they had to be happy.
and if I was upset, it was their job to make me happy.
and if they were happy, I was happy,
and if they were upset...
oh lawd,
what am i going to do?

I had to learn boundaries.
seriously.

 

[JustKiya]

Right there!!!
yes!
I used to be the control freak of the relationships i was in...
it was sooo hard!
If I was happy, they had to be happy.
and if I was upset, it was their job to make me happy.
and if they were happy, I was happy,
and if they were upset...
oh lawd,
what am i going to do?

I had to learn boundaries.
seriously.

Yes!!! Seriously, that was so important. I thought that once you got married, all your boundaries were down - that since you were 'one flesh' you no longer had the 'right' to emotional boundaries. I was too much a child of my generation to buy the concept that you no longer had a right to physical boundaries, though - so why was I still buying into the lack of emotional boundaries? Control issues. I'm still working on those, overall, but it's gotten MUCH better tween me & he.

 

[Highly Favored8]

Not married yet =) However, in order for me to be whole in any realtiionship. I cannot be dependant on others for my personal happiness. For me personally it's not gonna happen. I do not/ will not give my power away to someone else.

 

[lana]

I am trying to get DH to understand that I am not going to be happy 100 percent of the time, and that whenever I am unhappy, it is not always about him. He is one of those people who think you are supposed to be chipper all the dangone time and that he can change your life due to his superb positive outlook on life And well, I am just not one of those people. I have my moments and prefer to be alone for the most part, because I think people have false expectations for other people in how much they dictate your happiness. That is a heavy burden, in addition to the other things you have to do in order to make a relationship thrive. I firmly believe and know I control my happiness. I do, however, believe that others can influence it. But in no way can they control it.

If DH is having an unhappy moment, it doesn't bother me. I just ask him if it because of me, and if he says no, I simply KIM. He, on the other hand, isn't like that.

Ugghhh, happiness is just an overrated concept. I ain't saying you supposed to be miserable for someone else, but life just ain't peaches and cream all the time.

I would like to be just like you in the bolded area. I think my happiness has got to depend on me, not him. I'm already good by myself. No doubt. But it's when I'm in a relationship that I see I start to rely on my husband for my ups and downs. Instead I should go based on how I feel on a daily basis and I'm usually just fine. So this is just something for me to work on. I'm very sensitive to the moods and feelings of others because I grew up in a dsyfunctional household, but I don't know many people that didn't! So I'm an adult now and plan to change my path, make an adjustment and end up a happier and more fulfilled person.

 

[Mai Tai]

I would like to be just like you in the bolded area. I think my happiness has got to depend on me, not him. I'm already good by myself. No doubt. But it's when I'm in a relationship that I see I start to rely on my husband for my ups and downs. Instead I should go based on how I feel on a daily basis and I'm usually just fine. So this is just something for me to work on. I'm very sensitive to the moods and feelings of others because I grew up in a dsyfunctional household, but I don't know many people that didn't! So I'm an adult now and plan to change my path, make an adjustment and end up a happier and more fulfilled person.

Thank you Lana for starting this thread, because I don't think man women realize how much they depend on their SO/DH for happiness, or how much they feel accountable for their SO/DH emotions.

I, like the majority of other women, used to be this way. I am not married, my SO and I have a serious, commited relationship that we are both growing in. My story is...My ex-fiance used to always make me accountable for his moods. If he was happy, it was because of his own genius, if he was mad (regardless of what he was mad at), he would blame me. It was ALWAYS my fault, and for 5 out of the 6 years we were together, I took accountability for his emotions. If he was mad with his mother, it somehow had something to do with me. According to him, if I just dressed sexier, or wore more make-up, he wouldn't have to cheat on me.

For a long, long, time, I used to fall for this nonsense, and I was contstantly changing who I was to make sure he was happy. Before long, I looked in the mirror (spiritual mirror, that is), and I didn't even recognize myself. That hurt me more then anything he'd ever said or did to me. That's when I knew I had to first get rid of him, and second, start taking control of my own feelings, and stop trying to "make" someone else happy.

What I've learned is that it is ok to feel something if your SO/DH is having a bad day, family drama, or is upset with you. You are human, and unless you are a psychopath, you are generally concerned about the emotions of those that you love. Being sensitive to his emotions are ok, letting them envelop you to the point of being just as sad over something that you have no control over, is not. Many women do not realize that someone else's emotions are out of our control. It is ok for him to be sad, mad, or down in the dumps (every once in a while) All you can do is be supportive and empathetic, lend a listening ear, apologize for any wrongdoing on your part (and mean it). I have found that with a good, stable, deserving man, this is more then enough to help him get through whatever he is going through, and he will love you for it.

 

[MissYocairis]

Kiya....thank you a million times over. Your post is perfect.

I totally understand where you are coming from, and it was something that I struggled with, and struggled hard with, early in my marriage - if he was upset, I was upset. If he was upset with me, oh sweet jesu, I didn't know what to do with myself. And yeah, for me, it was all wrapped up in daddy issues, I've got no problem in admitting that.

I learned to release my perceived responsibility for his joy. I can't make him happy. I can't even keep him happy. That's his right and his responsibility.
I realized that I was being a bit of a control freak, attempting to control his emotions/reactions in order to make myself feel better. How about I just cut out the middle man and control my emotions to make myself feel better?

I can merely do the things that are right - right for our relationship, right for me, right for him. And because neither of us are gods, and thus we are both imperfect, my right/best ain't going to be right/best all of the time. And I accept that - and realize that it's not a black mark against me as a woman or a wife - it's just another aspect of this being human thing.

It was hard - really hard - to take a deep breath and step out of owning his emotions - but it was so freeing!!! Now, he can be upset - even with me - and I'm okay with that. Yeah, I might not be super Perky Polly, because I have deep empathy and I want him to feel good - but I know that I can't make him feel better. I can support him, the best I am able. I can apologize and attempt to make amends if I did something that was in the wrong. I can leave him be, and give him the time and space to work through his emotions and be whatever kind of support that he needs. But - I have to respect his ownership of his emotions, and release any attempt to make them about 'me'.

For me, the one thing that I had to start consciously doing was choosing how I reacted - well, first I had to realize that I HAD a choice in how I reacted, and I didn't have to keep reacting to similar situations the way I used to. I would literally take like three or four deeeeeep breaths while thinking about how I SHOULD react in order to insure that I wasn't trying to take ownership of his emotions - while at the same time honoring the fact that he had them.

 

[twilight80]

OMG! You just described me and my relationship with my DH. I just am always ashamed to admit it. I have been trying to figure out how to change with out messing up things between us. He is really stuck on his ways so I'm not sure what to do. I need to keep my eye on this thread for all the advice of others who have been in this situation and was able to change.

 

[JustKiya]

OMG! You just described me and my relationship with my DH. I just am always ashamed to admit it. I have been trying to figure out how to change with out messing up things between us. He is really stuck on his ways so I'm not sure what to do. I need to keep my eye on this thread for all the advice of others who have been in this situation and was able to change.

The secret is - he doesn't have to change. At all. You do. So him being stuck in his ways is a moot point, really. As you change how you react to him, you'll be changing your relationship - and he'll most likely slowly shift with you - or get the 'room' to be able to see things a little differently and decide that he likes this 'new' way of being, and chose to work on himself, as well.