Do you want a confident man?

[chickle]

There seems to be an obvious answer to this question, but I asked myself this today and realized I don't

There is this guy I am currently seeing, he is completely running the relationship, he knows just what to say and when to say it.

I want to be the one leading the relationship, I want to make him nervous, not the other way around.

He seems to have this cool facade going on...and I don't like it.

Am I weird for this, how many ladies want to be the one to steer a relationship.

 

[LivingDol1]

maybe confident isn't the right word to describe what it is that you want.

i want a confident man but i also want some balance to a relationship. i want someone who respects me and my opinion and thoughts. i don't want to be steered in a relationship. balance out the strengths and the weaknesses of the individuals.

 

[YankeeCandle]

The behavior you describe is not "confidence," m'dear; it's something else entirely...and not necessarily something savory. It could be need for control, emotional detachment, narcissism, or any number of "uh-oh" qualities.

The man you describe would completely turn me off. I would drop him like a hot potata. Maybe other women here would enjoy his "running the show," but it would kill my attraction to him.

I like a full partnership in which we each are mentally independent, but in which we each are also able to give each other enough food for thought that we can re-think our original ideas and allow for our partners' suggestions.

My partner listens to what I say/suggest and at least half of the time, he rethinks what he originally wanted and has the honesty and HUMIILITY to state, "I've thought about your perspective and you made some good points. I now agree with your assessment of the matter."

IMO, that is what takes real confidence! It is the liberating confidence to know you don't have to always be in literal control because you value yourself and your partner enough to allow her to sway your judgment or even take the reigns on some issues.

I can't tell you how freeing and delicious it is to have a partner who has enough natural, quiet, unshowy confidence to NOT have to run the show at all times, and to switch off with me based on which of us has the most experience or expertise or emotional wisdom in a certain matter or realm.

I wish you the best with the man you're seeing and hope you are the type of person who doesn't mind takin the permanent backseat. As for me, I drive my own car.

 

[YankeeCandle]

maybe confident isn't the right word to describe what it is that you want.
.

Haha, we were posting at the same time!

 

[carolinetwin]

I love a confident man, and I'm lazy so I want him to take care of everything.

If you think he's controlling, then that's another matter.

 

[guudhair]

Yes, I want a confident man but what do you mean when you say he's completely running the relationship?

 

[ambergirl]

What you're describing sounds more like manipulation then confidence.

A truly confident man is soooooo confident he is just rolling with life, no muss, no fuss, no manipulation, no bullying, no controlling. Just showing up in his life everyday fully aware and accepting of who he is and isn't....so he doesn't have to put any energy into putting on a facade or controlling others in the name of "confidence".

 

[chickle]

I don't want to say he is controlling, because I have a mind of my own and can dictate what I want and don't want. He just always keeps his cool, it could be because he doesn't take me seriously...I don't know. I just want a guy I can control I guess.

We are not exclusive or anything, and I don't really date much, so I suppose that is why I am having trouble finding a balance between us.

 

[YankeeCandle]

^^^ I bet you don't want a man you can completely control, as in like a puppet who rushes to do your bidding even when you are being irrational, obnoxious, foolish, or dead wrong. That's not fun for most people unless they have other, more complicated issues that benefit from professional therapy.

I bet you just want a man like the second type I described--who will roll with you on some things because he is not threatened by you or your intelligence and isn't interested in maintaining control at all costs, and who, likewise, will point out your weaknessess when you need him to, because...well, because he is not threatened by you!

 

[Mai Tai]

The fact that you want enough power over someone else's life to actually control them says that this confidence issue lies within you, not the man you've been dating.

Controlling behavior stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. When you control another person, you have outwardly exhaulted yourself to a level that you would not normally be able to reach on your own.

If you cannot handle a man that can make decisions without you, and has his own mind, then I suggest you stop dating now, and explore your desire to dictate someone else's life. Wanting to control someone else is not normal and WILL lead to a very dysfunctional relationship.

 

[Ishtar]

Yess!!! But I want a man who will listen, who will be patient, who will be compassionate that way there is a capabilty to grow in the relationship. I don't want a wimp. Lord knows the most insecure men are the ones subject to cheat or accuse you of cheating. There is no fun in that.

Cockiness can be there but in the amount of say a pinch of salt for a bowl of soup. I don't want someone who won't listen, is impatient, is bull headed because those are the qualities of a child, not a man. A secure person isn't like that.

 

[ambergirl]

The fact that you want enough power over someone else's life to actually control them says that this confidence issue lies within you, not the man you've been dating.

Controlling behavior stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. When you control another person, you have outwardly exhaulted yourself to a level that you would not normally be able to reach on your own.

If you cannot handle a man that can make decisions without you, and has his own mind, then I suggest you stop dating now, and explore your desire to dictate someone else's life. Wanting to control someone else is not normal and WILL lead to a very dysfunctional relationship.

Tell it Mai Tai !

Wanting to be in control might be because you have some anxieties about feeling vulnerable with a man. I actually think being afraid to be vulnerable is very common, but people express it differently.

 

[chickle]

i know i do have some confidence issues when it comes to men, but i don't want to stop dating all together. i just prefer the docile type so i can control the pace. i can't handle this guy, but i still like him. so i will see where it goes.

 

[aribell]

^^^You should be able to control the pace anyway...or rather, you don't have to go along with whatever he says/does just because he says/does it. Can you make your will known by simply only doing those things that you would actually like to do, when and how you'd like to do it?

 

[chickle]

yeah...its definitely a confidence issue i am having. i recently found out that my ex got my best friend pregnant (while we were dating), so yeah, i am a little self conscious right now.

what sucks is that she is supposedly my best friend and i had to find out through facebook who the daddy was.

completely off topic...ha. i am not the type to control a relationship or set the pace, i am usually a go with the flow kinda chick... i guess i do want a man with confidence, but i also want to be a take no mess chick, but its hard because i have this nice complex about me. people walk all over me.

 

[ambergirl]

yeah...its definitely a confidence issue i am having. i recently found out that my ex got my best friend pregnant (while we were dating), so yeah, i am a little self conscious right now.

what sucks is that she is supposedly my best friend and i had to find out through facebook who the daddy was.

completely off topic...ha. i am not the type to control a relationship or set the pace, i am usually a go with the flow kinda chick... i guess i do want a man with confidence, but i also want to be a take no mess chick, but its hard because i have this nice complex about me. people walk all over me.

Wow....betrayal of any sort is rough but your story is particularly harsh. So sorry you're having to deal with that. Hope you had a few good cries to help you release all that.

You are definitely in a vulnerable place. Do you have other friends you can talk to about this? Does the current guy know the situation you're going through and if so, what was his reaction?

 

[chickle]

Wow....betrayal of any sort is rough but your story is particularly harsh. So sorry you're having to deal with that. Hope you had a few good cries to help you release all that.

You are definitely in a vulnerable place. Do you have other friends you can talk to about this? Does the current guy know the situation you're going through and if so, what was his reaction?

i am not going to waste any tears on that fool. we broke up for a completely different reason, but finding that information out was devastating. I haven't talked to anyone about it, I would have talked to my bff, but i guess that is not an option considering she is half the problem. the sad thing was before i knew what i know now, i was going to be the godmother of that child. It's kind of embarrassing and I would rather just sweep it under the rug. I have been celibate, so people would just tell me "I told you so", since I never actually slept with him and people told me that he would cheat on me.

the current guy i am seeing doesn't know too much about my history. i did tell him that i wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone until marriage today. he took it well, but we will see if he still calls me tomorrow i guess.

 

[CandiceC]

Good for you for sticking to your celibacy rule.

 

[sunshine1988]

In this case is celibacy itself a form of exerting a form of control?

 

[mjdaisy]

Do you mean aggressive?
Or do you seriously want to intimidate the man?

 

[chickle]

In this case is celibacy itself a form of exerting a form of control?

I don't use celibacy as a form of control, I am just waiting until marriage before I have sex.

Do you mean aggressive?
Or do you seriously want to intimidate the man?

I want to be some what intimidating. I guess wanting a man with a lack of confidence was the wrong phrase to use. I just want him to be nervous around me and not the other way around.