Do You Take Ownership Of Your Happiness

[ChasingBliss]

Or do you rely on other people to make you happy?

This question is worded in such a way that I'm sure most people would say they own their own happiness. But a lot of women in fact, do not.

This thread is prompted by my therapy sessions. I counsel a lot of young women and the one thing they constantly complain about is relationships. They say things like the following:

1. He's playing with my emotions. I feel like a puppet on a string.
2. I cant move on because every time I try to he keeps telling me how much he loves me...even though he's still with his girlfriend
3. He makes me feel like ....
4. I feel so unmotivated because every time I think about him I...
5. I'm crying every day because I miss him

And a ton of other self defeating statements that keep a woman stuck.

Honestly, when I sit in sessions with these women, I commend them for one thing first, their ability to be honest with how they REALLY feel. They are expressing without any pride, their gut feelings.
There are so many women who feel like this on a subC level but either dont recognize it or deny it. Their's is disguised as blame. They take no responsibility for their emotions. In fact, some of them deny they even feel anything but anger...but cant figure out why they are still stuck.

I think society is partially involved in this. It tries to train womens minds to think they are victims of men. When women are being consoled after experiencing bad relationships, most people try to make her feel better by blaming the man. If he cheated on her, beat her, treats her like garbage, he's at fault, he's the bad guy and she's the victim (well if he beats her, by law she IS a victim...but Im coming from a different angle here).

However, rarely does anyone say or think that maybe "she has some responsibility in this. I guess because it's too harsh. It's hurtful...it's adding insult to injury. But to me, not addressing things from this angle, is hurting US.

I think when we victimize ourselves and get consolation as being a victim, we give up our own power to OWN our feelings..to own our life. Some of the women I deal with have NO fight in them. NONE. They feel that encouragement and strength, love and happiness must come from the outside. When they stroll in my office happy and bubbly...it's because they are having a good day/week/month with with their s/0. When they come in down in the dumps, it's all bad.

I am trying hard to teach my young ladies to find their own strength and own it. Own your whole inner life....that happiness does not come from outside of yourself. It has to be created on the inside. Then it has to be continuously nurtured BY YOU! Happiness is not here to stay once you achieve it...it needs YOU every day.

ETA: Now I understand after yeaaars of being on here that this forum is filled with smart, insightful women who understand this and more. But there are many women here and even who lurk that dont. I just want to start a conversation about this because it may help. And if there is any insight you have, please add. Some women who go through this type of thing are surrounded with people who feed them foolishness.

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[JFemme]

I do not rely on others to make me happy....

I'm a world unto myself....

 

[caribeandiva]

I agree with you everything you said OP.

 

[ava2]

I believe I am a 100% responsible for my happiness.

I learned a while ago to take ownership of my happiness which can look like removing people from my life, removing myself from a situation where I am no longer happy or walking away from circumstances where my best interest is no longer being served.

Life is good.

 

[hopeful]

Great post! I am a work in progress and on this path myself.

Many men are abusers (cheaters, liars, manipulators, hitters/pushers/yellers etc.). And many women are victims (dependent, co-dependent, weak, don't stand up for themselves, put themselves last, in a fog, unable or unwilling to take full responsibility for their lives, need a man to be happy etc.). And I do believe a part of the issue is societal brain washing.

That said, when it's all said and done, we have to take FULL responsibility for our lives, our happiness, and wellbeing. There is nothing like the happiness we can give ourselves.

Society and families train women to put their needs aside for others, to sacrifice themselves. I think it all starts there. Once a woman sees this brainwashing, sees how unfair, cruel, and sexist it is, with effort she can retrain herself, break free, and move toward a happier life.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Awesome thread.

I struggle with this but I'm trying my darndest.....

 

[ChasingBliss]

I too am a work in progress. However, In the past year or more I've been realizing a few things. All the things I learned about love and pain have only resonated with me on an intellectual level. Which is why something sounded really good to my ears and even made me feel good for a few hours...but then I'd go right back to my depressed state. It took me a while to realize that words of wisdom need to resonated with me on an emotional level... or else I would NEVER get it.

You cant intellectualize an emotional problem. In other words, a therapist can help you feel encouraged, a book can give you good advice, a loved one can try and knock some sense into your head, but it is only temporary due to the power of subconscious beliefs. We gotta find them and fix them... because good or bad they will always be the driving force of our feelings and behaviors.

 

[caribeandiva]

Happiness is an inside job. Always has been. Always will be. No one can make you happy but you. Many people (men and women) make the mistake of getting into a relationship expecting the other person to MAKE them happy. Big mistake. That kind of power doesn't exist. This bears repeating. People or things canNOT make you happy. They were never meant to. Not your parents. Not your significant other. Not your children. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your money, your house, or luxury car. Not your possessions. Not your accomplishments. Not even God can make you happy if you're dead set against it.

Happiness is a choice. Plain and simple. It's that simple... and that difficult. When you realize you held the key to your own happiness all along it can hurt at first because you realize how ignorant you were in the past. If someone is causing strife in your life, you do have the choice to either accept it (thus ending your unhappiness) or remove them from your life (thus ending your unhappiness). That's it. I've never understood why people stay in roller coaster relationships for an extended period of time and then gripe about it every chance they get. I usually tell them that they're the source of their own misery since they chose to stay. Then they tell me that i don't get it cuz i'm single and once i get into a relationship then i'll understand. Yes it's hard to walk away because you think you're in love and will never find someone who makes you feel this way. But guess what? 1. that ain't real love. 2. staying is harder in the long run. Stress IS a killer. A lot of illnesses are caused by it. I don't know about y'all but I ain't willing to die for nobody like that. I ain't Jesus!

 

[hopeful]

@ChasingBliss I have found some of my most inspiration to come from music, poetry, and even musicals because they can touch you at a deeper, more emotional level.

 

[rabs77]

Absolutely yes.

It took a painful break up many years ago to come to the exact conclusion in the OP. I had to turn the narrative from " He _____me" to "I allowed him to______me" And once I did that the realization came that all the power lies within me, no one else. It is such a freeing feeling. I felt like I transitioned from a hazy existence where I had little control to " I own this bit$h I took a huge interest in psychology after that because I needed to understand how I ticked, especially in actions that are taken consciously versus sub consciously.

I'm one of the happiest people I know now-

 

[caribeandiva]

Absolutely yes.

It took a painful break up many years ago to come to the exact conclusion in the OP. I had to turn the narrative from " He _____me" to "I allowed him to______me" And once I did that the realization came that all the power lies within me, no one else. It is such a freeing feeling. I felt like I transitioned from a hazy existence where I had little control to " I own this bit$h I took a huge interest in psychology after that because I needed to understand how I ticked, especially in actions that are taken consciously versus sub consciously.

I'm one of the happiest people I know now-

People do to you what you ALLOW them to do to you. Well said. No one can make you feel anything without your consent. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said something along those lines.

 

[LiftedUp]

Many things contribute to my happiness at every given time. So to say that other persons don't contribute to my happiness would be incorrect. If my relationship was going downhill it would be normal for part of me to feel unhappy, if a family member was unwell or my finances were in a quandary etc. I think it would be absolutely normal to feel unhappy.

I am happy because apart from being a joyful person, all aspects of my life are going in a positive direction right now

As I get older I've learned to appreciate all aspects and times of my life as difficult it may seem at the time. It all contributes to my growth as a person, emotionally and otherwise.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

I had to learn this as well, I was with someone all throughout college and afterwords, he was my first relationship, my first everything, and I put so much on him & so much of my happiness depended on his behaviors so when he cheated or just was an overall screwup it devastated me. I was a miserable person with him for several reasons, when we were engaged I remember feeling so torn because I felt that I wouldn't be able to be happy without him even though I knew I didn't want to be with him but I just kept prolonging this process.

I remember asking my dad for advice and I said "What if I don't know who I am without him?"

I'm actually embarrassed reading those words because I just can't relate to that feeling anymore but I think that was my turning point, hearing those words come out of my mouth was a slap in my own face, and I remember my dad told me "That's where you're wrong, you should never find your identity or happiness in someone else because they're always going to fail you, no matter who they are".

We broke up a few weeks after that and I started really focusing on self-care, I took trips alllllll the time, I started to keep my hair & nails done, upped my make up game, started dressing cuter, going out having fun with my girls, went back to school, got a new car & a new place etc etc. I basically just improved my life in every single way and looking back on that girl I was I can't believe that I put that much responsibility on him because there's no way that someone else could've created that for me. It's a great life lesson.

 

[daydreem2876]

I like how you've expessed this and will approach it from your angle going forward. My approach was "recognition is the first step to recovery". Acknowleding my role in the breakdown of a relationship has given me insight to take into the next one. Self reflection is hard work, identifying flaws and making self changes is a humbling experience.

 

[hopeful]

This is so cute!

I see you added this to your original post @ChasingBliss.

 

[YvetteWithJoy]

I was raised to make my happiness a function of others and of "success," and it's been a doozy.

I 100% agree with @LiftedUp.

At the same time, I am learning more and more how to just be and feel happy aside from a whole lot of things, especially people, and it's blissful. I am learning to max my happiness-feeling for my current place, fully knowing that I can and will be happier the more I am able to live a life aligned with my deepest values. As I proceed, I do everything I can to feel and be happy ANYWAY--regardless. This has been such a healing and empowering shift in my way of being and doing life. Like exiting a jail cell and walking a gorgeous, tropical beach with warm breezes and a stunning sunset.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I had to learn this as well, I was with someone all throughout college and afterwords, he was my first relationship, my first everything, and I put so much on him & so much of my happiness depended on his behaviors so when he cheated or just was an overall screwup it devastated me. I was a miserable person with him for several reasons, when were engaged I remember feeling so torn because I felt that I wouldn't be able to be happy without him even though I knew I didn't want to be with him but I just kept prolonging this process.

I remember asking my dad for advice and I said "What if I don't know who I am without him?"

I'm actually embarrassed reading those words because I just can't relate to that feeling anymore but I think that was my turning point, hearing those words come out of my mouth was a slap in my own face, and I remember my dad told me "That's where you're wrong, you should never find your identity or happiness in someone else because they're always going to fail you, no matter who they are".

We broke up a few weeks after that and I started really focusing on self-care, I took trips alllllll the time, I started to keep my hair & nails done, upped my make up game, started dressing cuter, going out having fun with my girls, went back to school, got a new car & a new place etc etc. I basically just improved my life in every single way and looking back on that girl I was I can't believe that I put that much responsibility on him because there's no way that someone else could've created that for me. It's a great life lesson.

Wow...our dads thought alike. I remember pouring out my heart to my father after my daughter's father walked away from me when she was less than a year old. I couldnt understand how a man could do this to his own child (even though I saw it happen every day..)...and he said pretty much the same thing but from a Bible verse....something to the effect of:

"Put not your trust in the arm of flesh because it will fail you." And "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. ... The heart is perverse above all things, and unsearchable, who can know it?"

It sounded horrible at the time even though he explained it very well to me and how it applies to real life situations. Only growth, experience and emotional intelligence allowed it to eventually all make sense.

I love how you rebounded with self care and self love.

 

[ChasingBliss]

We definitely have to do the work and be patient with ourselves too. Another thing that I learned is that when feelings are always the focal point of your life, it will be a disastrous ride.
A lot of times people who want to change the way they deal with heart break and love loss, wait to feel like doing something nice for themselves. They want to feel the feelings away You will never accomplish something waiting to FEEL like doing it. Sometimes you gotta shut that mess down and go into robotic mode. Do nice things for yourself because you are YOU. Get busy doing things to get your mind off of the things that dont serve you. Dont wait to feel it. That will come. There is definitely something to the phrase "fake it 'till you make it"..

 

[YvetteWithJoy]

We definitely have to do the work and be patient with ourselves too. Another thing that I learned is that when feelings are always the focal point of your life, it will be a disasterious ride.
A lot of times people who want to change the way they deal with heart break and love loss, wait to feel like doing something nice for themselves. They want to feel the feelings away You will never accomplish something waiting to FEEL like doing it. Sometimes you gotta shut that mess down and go into robotic mode. Do nice things for yourself because you are YOU. Get busy doing things to get your mind off of the things that dont serve you. Dont wait to feel it. That will come. There is definitely something to the phrase "fake it 'till you make it"..

I wish I could like this post 72 times. AGREED WHOLEHEARTEDLY! Am always working on this.

 

[UniquelyDivine]

Wow...our dads thought alike. I remember pouring out my heart to my father after my daughter's father walked away from me when she was less than a year old. I couldnt understand how a man could do this to his own child (even though I saw it happen every day..)...and he said pretty much the same thing but from a Bible verse....something to the effect of:

"Put not your trust in the arm of flesh because it will fail you." And "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. ... The heart is perverse above all things, and unsearchable, who can know it?"

It sounded horrible at the time even though he explained it very well to me and how it applies to real life situations. Only growth, experience and emotional intelligence allowed it to eventually all make sense.

I love how you rebounded with self care and self love.

He actually hit me with a scripture too but he dumbed it down for me I walked away from that conversation with a greater trust in myself. I'm the only one that can cultivate my happiness even though I felt miserable at the time. Heartbreak sucks but sometimes that's the only way to learn this lesson.

 

[PrissiSippi]

My last break up I used to call the dude and say I can't get out of bed since you left. Don't you see how bad you're hurting me. Do you care? I used to stare at his pics and hope he would change. He would change and I'd be so happy but then one week later he was back to his old self. I would be depressed.

I saw this on google and saved it:

Stop being a victim.
Leave the situation.
Change the situation.
Or accept it.

I curved this quote and didn't really apply it to lately. But lately I'm slowly getting it. No matter what happens at work or what DH does it WILL be a good day. He's not in control of my emotions. I have to literally think if this happens today it will be a good day. It's usually something small like if I go walking today, have a good breakfast, cuddle with the baby, and have a good nap today...it's a good day. It's all based on stuff I can do for myself. Not stuff you can do for me.

This is a long process for me. Because I will sit and just MAKE myself into the victim to pity myself. But now I'm trying to get into the mindset of EXPECTING to win. And this means choosing happiness over f girls and boys and friendships/relationships.

 

[ChasingBliss]

My last break up I used to call the dude and say I can't get out of bed since you left. Don't you see how bad you're hurting me. Do you care? I used to stare at his pics and hope he would change. He would change and I'd be so happy but then one week later he was back to his old self. I would be depressed.

I saw this on google and saved it:

Stop being a victim.
Leave the situation.
Change the situation.
Or accept it.

I curved this quote and didn't really apply it to lately. But lately I'm slowly getting it. No matter what happens at work or what DH does it WILL be a good day. He's not in control of my emotions. I have to literally think if this happens today it will be a good day. It's usually something small like if I go walking today, have a good breakfast, cuddle with the baby, and have a good nap today...it's a good day. It's all based on stuff I can do for myself. Not stuff you can do for me.

This is a long process for me. Because I will sit and just MAKE myself into the victim to pity myself. But now I'm trying to get into the mindset of EXPECTING to win. And this means choosing happiness over f girls and boys and friendships/relationships.

You got it sis. Love yourself into a better place. It's our choice and we can definitely make it. It's an every day job and we need to be on time and ready to work. It's the best job we will ever have because Self love is the root of a good and happy life that NO MAN can ruin.

 

[Maracujá]

Yup, working on this also! I love what @hopeful once said about real change: it's change on a microcellular level, that's what I pray for.

And, I know we're not talking about our happiness in relation to an SO/DH but this video really spoke to me:

 

[ChasingBliss]

I like to fall asleep to meditation music. I usually pick the videos on Youtube that focus on sleep. But last night I came across this one and the (suggested ones) that followed after. All together they gave me the most blissful sleep. I woke up this morning feeling so good inside and I could not figure out why. I started to assume I had some sweet dream. After a few minutes of meditation, I started to remember my dream...and it was in fact very sweet. I was in my own heaven. I honestly feel this music had everything to do with it. Now I tend to wake up pretty upbeat in the mornings. My mind is clear and I plan best during that time...but this morning was different. I wanted to share this with you guys and if you are interested, try it and tell me what you think.

 

[SurferBabe]

You got it sis. Love yourself into a better place. It's our choice and we can definitely make it. It's an every day job and we need to be on time and ready to work. It's the best job we will ever have because Self love is the root of a good and happy life that NO MAN can ruin.

I'll be honest, I used to reject the idea of "you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you". Many women reject it. It's mainly because we're surrounded by a bunch of people who don't love themselves and have done no inner work yet effortlessly find partnership. We don't believe this advice is sincere, and we see it as just another obstacle put in place to explain why we still haven't found love, while others sort of stumble into it and take it for granted.

For that reason, I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate the importance of self-love to single friends who are tired of doing inner work while their flawed, I'm perfect as is friends are happily buzzing about as V-day approaches.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I'll be honest, I used to reject the idea of "you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you". Many women reject it. It's mainly because we're surrounded by a bunch of people who don't love themselves and have done no inner work yet effortlessly find partnership. We don't believe this advice is sincere, and we see it as just another obstacle put in place to explain why we still haven't found love, while others sort of stumble into it and take it for granted.

For that reason, I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate the importance of self-love to single friends who are tired of doing inner work while their flawed, I'm perfect as is friends are happily buzzing about as V-day approaches.

I think the reason many women find it so hard to grasp the 'self love first' concept is because again, they are waiting to FEEL the love before acting on it...because if you really think about it, most people who get into trouble with this love thing are feelers. The feelings determine everything for them. When it feels good it's great, when it feels bad it's time to die a soul death. When a woman learns to redefine what love is for herself and see it as an action word, she can better integrate it into her life. When I first started to understand this, I began researching the "how"... I would find things on the internet like "100 ways to show love to yourself" and the like... Also, I'd think to myself...You put all that energy into him, but given the same situation or circumstance, would you do it for yourself? I really had to work through all of this..in the end I found myself crying for me. I had to apologize to myself for all the neglect and pain I allowed...for showing more love to the hims in my life and not ME.

I have more thoughts on this but I need to sort them out.

 

[SurferBabe]

I think the reason many women find it so hard to grasp the 'self love first' concept is because again, they are waiting to FEEL the love before acting on it...because if you really think about it, most people who get into trouble with this love thing are feelers. The feelings determine everything for them. When it feels good it's great, when it feels bad it's time to die a soul death. When a woman learns to redefine what love is for herself and see it as an action word, she can better integrate it into her life. When I first started to understand this, I began researching the "how"... I would find things on the internet like "100 ways to show love to yourself" and the like... Also, I'd think to myself...You put all that energy into him, but given the same situation or circumstance, would you do it for yourself? I really had to work through all of this..in the end I found myself crying for me. I had to apologize to myself for all the neglect and pain I allowed...for showing more love to the hims in my life and not ME.

I have more thoughts on this but I need to sort them out.

Reminds me of this quote

 

[JFemme]

Reminds me of this quote

My thoughts as I read CB last post....
Thank you for the visual

 

[PrissiSippi]

Ways I can create my happiness and for free lol. I used to think I needed money to do things with myself that made me happy. I need to keep a running list of things that make me happy. Some are:

1. Take a long soak in the tub
2. Write poetry
3. Go on a walk around the reservoir
4. Plant a flower
5. Cook a new food for family/friends
6. Look in the mirror and say my affirmations

 

[hopeful]

...
I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate the importance of self-love to single friends who are tired of doing inner work while their flawed, I'm perfect as is friends are happily buzzing about as V-day approaches.

I'm finding the best way to communicate anything is to show ourselves and others how we feel and what our values are. As we soar in every area of our lives from health to finances to romance to happiness, some will take note, others may not. Just by us doing and being others wake up. Those who don't, it's just not there time yet and that's ok. Or they need another model that is not us.