Do men really get intimidated by females?

[Dani.Nicole]

I'm really beginning to think that they just might. Or maybe I'm not all that I thought I was. All my life I never really considered myself "pretty." I didn't start claiming it until I was a senior in high school, and it was at that time everything started to come out. Guys who I never would've guessed thought I was attractive secretly had a thing for me. But yet not ONE of them ever attempted to pursue me

Now that I'm in college, I'm having the exact same problem. No guys ever approach me, ever. Nonetheless, people are constantly telling me "OMG you're so pretty!!!!" and I give them a look like It's hard for me to believe that just because 1) I've never had a real bf and 2) guys never come up to me.

So what exactly is it? Do guys really get intimidated by a pretty girl? I will say that it is possible that I can be a bit intimidating just because I carry myself so much differently than other girls. I believe I'm a very respectable woman and I know it shows by the way I walk and talk. I have this air of confidence whenever I set foot out the door. But when I'm alone, I don't have this confidence anymore. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I can't get or keep a man if my life depended on it.

I just want to get down to the bottom of this! It's really taking a toll on my confidence level. It's hard to feel "pretty" when you don't have a line of dudes just waiting to get at you. Or even just one person.

What do you think?

 

[Slave4Hair]

Based on your above pictures i think you are very pretty! I can relate to your experiences as well. My boyfriend said it took him 2 months to work up the nerve to approach me. I have also had guys tell me that they liked me in the past but were to nervous to tell me. I think alot of it has to do with the way i carry myself. I don't mean to but alot of my friends say that i scare men off because i walk with my "nose in the air" meaning i appear to be snobby or over confident, and i have even been told i look mean. The funny thing is i have low self esteem so it shocks me people think this way and I don't know how to change it, lol. So i think men are intimidated by pretty women, i think also if you appear to be very confident like you say you are, this can perhaps be a reason as to why they are not approaching you, they probably are scared you may reject them. Even if you are pretty, if you don't look approachable...guys won't approach (not saying your not).

 

[Sunshine77]

I was the same way. When I was in college. A guy friend told me that a lot of guys liked me but they felt I was mean. He said he knew I wasn't but thats what was being said. I was also over confident but deep down I did not feel pretty because no one approached me. Once a guy told me I held my head to high and I blew him off. When I stopped worrying about getting a date and looking put together and I started going out and enjoying myself (with those thoughts off the table) things changed for me but I did not choose wisely because I was so happy that someone liked me. Things will work out for you but please remember to take your time when it does.

 

[Nuelle]

Your post totally describes my first three years of college. Guys barely approached me because of the way I carried myself. Some have described me as different, mature, standoffish (kinda cold)... and others just assumed that I was already taken. My campus is known for having a hook up culture and since I didn't really go to frat parties, this meant that I was never approached by guys (unless of course they were drunk).

There were times when I felt invisible, but my friends made me realize that that was far from the truth. I'm kind of aloof (as well as a bit guarded and quiet ) but when I started paying attention to my surroundings, I noticed that there were many guys that were checking me out. A couple had crushes on me, and I just never knew. To make matters worse, I was always hanging out with my girls, and so what guy would approach me then.

Until this year... most of my friends have graduated (so i had plenty of free time), and I've been making an effort to be warmer, to smile at people, acknowledging and starting conversations with strangers, making time to get to know others and to let them get to know me (sometimes i was the one to invite them to lunch)... Those little things really worked for me and made a big difference (even got a few dates as a result of that and some new friends).

They thought I was "pretty", sure, but before, all I got were veiled stares. My self-confidence was low and I tried to put up walls to mask that. Only thing is guys found it even harder to approach me. Until this semester... I became more self aware and made myself more available and guys responded positively to that by being more vocal about their intent.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Sometimes there is a fine line between having high confidence and being unapproachable...and quit giving that


...yea they get intimidated but I say Mr. Right won't be

 

[username12]

I think they can be, but if you give off a warm, friendly vibe, he will approach despite of the nervousness

 

[phynestone]

I've been told the same thing by guys, but if they're really interested, they'll risk rejection and ask you out if they think you're worth it.

I personally don't think you should base your worth on being asked out or checked out. How will you feel when you're a withered old woman? Not saying they're ugly b/c some get aroused by that, but you know what I mean.

You're really pretty, btw.

 

[tinkat]

I think they can be, but if you give off a warm, friendly vibe, he will approach despite of the nervousness

I agree with this. Sometimes they can assume that you are already taken, guys always wonder why I am single. But I think that when a guy is really interested, they will risk rejection.

 

[MarcustheWu]

See, this is one of the reasons I laugh when people say "You just need to get some self esteem." Things are more complicated than that. If that were true, there would be no such thing as an "intimidating woman," in the way that people use the phrase.

 

[Dani.Nicole]

Wow I find it so amazing that some of you ladies have gone through the same thing! I swear my friends do not understand at all. All they see looking at me is a pretty face and they automatically assume that pretty = I got 10 billion numbers in my phone They don't seem to understand that it's not just about pretty/ugly, or looks at all! They can't grasp why I always feel so low and self-confident about myself. I know have a tendency to look mean. I couldn't tell you how many times ppl tell me "I thought you didn't like me cuz you gave me a dirty look." And I'm just like huh?? I don't even recognize it. Then I finally assure them that is not the truth. People are so shocked at how nice I am!

But the thing that REALLY gets me is that the "fine/sexy/handsome" man won't approach me but the "not as fine/sexy/handsome" will. They exude so much more confidence and rejection comes second.

 

[tinkat]

Now that I'm in college, I'm having the exact same problem. No guys ever approach me, ever. Nonetheless, people are constantly telling me "OMG you're so pretty!!!!" and I give them a look like It's hard for me to believe that just because 1) I've never had a real bf and 2) guys never come up to me.
So what exactly is it? Do guys really get intimidated by a pretty girl? I will say that it is possible that I can be a bit intimidating just because I carry myself so much differently than other girls. I believe I'm a very respectable woman and I know it shows by the way I walk and talk. I have this air of confidence whenever I set foot out the door. But when I'm alone, I don't have this confidence anymore. I feel like there's something wrong with me because I can't get or keep a man if my life depended on it.
QUOTE]

They can't grasp why I always feel so low and self-confident about myself. I know have a tendency to look mean. I couldn't tell you how many times ppl tell me "I thought you didn't like me cuz you gave me a dirty look." And I'm just like huh?? I don't even recognize it. Then I finally assure them that is not the truth. People are so shocked at how nice I am!

The bolded really stuck out to me now that I looked again. Like OP said earlier, remember your worth is more than just how many guys approach you. You are obviously pretty but how you feel inside really matters. People pick up on energy more than you think, especially subconsciously. If you feel like something is wrong with you, other people will pick up on that. They may be mirroring the energy that you are putting out.

 

[Bellamystic]

I am so happy I ran into this thread, because I have the same issues. People often call me mean, snobbish, etc. Especially when I first started my job, the girls told my dad (whom they are good friends with) that I always give them faces and things. I rarely get approached, but I get alot of glares from guys. Every since I gained 30 pounds, my self esteem has went way low, but I still manage to get looks from guys and sometimes other women. My bf always tell me that I have a pretty face, but sometimes I wonder if we ever break up, if I will ever get a date. I just don't tell him that. I always thought I was attractive, but i always know that there will always be someone prettier than you are, so I never acted is if I was better than someone else. & I always get approached by the not so attractive guys like the OP said. I used to just blame it on my extra 30 pounds I gained, but now I see that's probably not the issue

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Wow I find it so amazing that some of you ladies have gone through the same thing! I swear my friends do not understand at all. All they see looking at me is a pretty face and they automatically assume that pretty = I got 10 billion numbers in my phone They don't seem to understand that it's not just about pretty/ugly, or looks at all! They can't grasp why I always feel so low and self-confident about myself. I know have a tendency to look mean. I couldn't tell you how many times ppl tell me "I thought you didn't like me cuz you gave me a dirty look." And I'm just like huh?? I don't even recognize it. Then I finally assure them that is not the truth. People are so shocked at how nice I am!

But the thing that REALLY gets me is that the "fine/sexy/handsome" man won't approach me but the "not as fine/sexy/handsome" will. They exude so much more confidence and rejection comes second.

The bolded will stop so many people. That's why I said there is a fine line between high confidence and being unapproachable. This is a skill set that you will need to fix especially when it comes to your SO, work, networking, etc.

I remember being called a "STUCK-UP ***** in public and oh how it hurt my feelings. I was walking to the store with my sister and we were walking through a crowd of people. I was just looking too fly and I was about 17 at the time. The guy called my name several times but for some reason I just didn't hear him. My sister did and told me. I shot him a dirty look. He then yelled to me..."Arianna you don't have to give me that mean *** your better than me dirty look and then said your acting like a STUCK UP *****". Ya'll everyone turned around and was like yea Arianna you do and it just hurt my lil ol feelings so bad because I am such a people person when you get to know me.

Fast-forwarding to now. I've learned just because my communication skills are on point doesn't mean I am like the rest which was my assumption as well back then. It takes alot of nerve but I say start off with small talk with everyday people in your life. Not the ones who already know you but the ones you come in constant contact with you at the coffee house, restaurant, club. Introduce yourself, have a chit-chat and you will see not only how much better you are treated/serviced but also how approachable you will be. This may help you to become more easy to talk to...it will be through your conversation & actions he will be able to see that your not like the rest. So you do have your chance to stand out.

Another quick story. I was at the gas station around my house and as I was walking out this fine tall drink of water was walking in delivering beer. So I went pumped the gas...and I mean he was fine ya'll. I got up my nerve and went back in and found him in the back and said "I just had to tell you, God dropped an angel from heaven right before me!" and I walked away... I laughed and he was laughing but as I walked to my car he ran up behind me and gave me his number and to this day ya'll even though we didn't work out I had introduced myself to a great friend...and we still to this day about it...cause I don't know what in the hell made me say it but I've been using corny a** pickup lines every since cause it breaks the ice for me and it fits. Even my future is like gurl.... when I tell him I know his legs is tired since he been running through my mind all day Cause had it not been for me having my nerve my future would've passed me on by...Sometimes we want things to fall in our lap but unfortunately we have to put in a little work on ourselves first!

 

[Dani.Nicole]

The bolded really stuck out to me now that I looked again. Like OP said earlier, remember your worth is more than just how many guys approach you. You are obviously pretty but how you feel inside really matters. People pick up on energy more than you think, especially subconsciously. If you feel like something is wrong with you, other people will pick up on that. They may be mirroring the energy that you are putting out.

You worded this so nicely. I feel pretty on the outside, but on the inside I feel...well not good! However I try not to show that. I still walk with confidence regardless. But at the end of the day none of that matters because the inside is what's hurting the most.

 

[Raspberry]

There were times when I felt invisible, but my friends made me realize that that was far from the truth. I'm kind of aloof (as well as a bit guarded and quiet ) but when I started paying attention to my surroundings, I noticed that there were many guys that were checking me out. A couple had crushes on me, and I just never knew. To make matters worse, I was always hanging out with my girls, and so what guy would approach me then.

Until this year... most of my friends have graduated (so i had plenty of free time), and I've been making an effort to be warmer, to smile at people, acknowledging and starting conversations with strangers, making time to get to know others and to let them get to know me (sometimes i was the one to invite them to lunch)... Those little things really worked for me and made a big difference (even got a few dates as a result of that and some new friends).

I'm glad this worked out for you

Dani.Nicole - you can start by smiling more and taking initiative to greet the men you pass on a regular basis. You can't always control the quality of men in your environment but a friendly hello and a smile goes a long way to make men feel comfortable talking to you and approaching.

Try to think of it from a man's perspective..you may be expecting him to basically cold-call you by approaching out of the blue, though he has no prior indication whether you even want him in your face at all. Confidence alone doesn't break the ice with a man, but being friendly does... you lose nothing by saying "Good morning."

 

[Theo]

Wow I find it so amazing that some of you ladies have gone through the same thing! I swear my friends do not understand at all. All they see looking at me is a pretty face and they automatically assume that pretty = I got 10 billion numbers in my phone They don't seem to understand that it's not just about pretty/ugly, or looks at all! They can't grasp why I always feel so low and self-confident about myself. I know have a tendency to look mean. I couldn't tell you how many times ppl tell me "I thought you didn't like me cuz you gave me a dirty look." And I'm just like huh?? I don't even recognize it. Then I finally assure them that is not the truth. People are so shocked at how nice I am!

But the thing that REALLY gets me is that the "fine/sexy/handsome" man won't approach me but the "not as fine/sexy/handsome" will. They exude so much more confidence and rejection comes second.

That is what your problem is. You should address this FIRST everything else will fall into place. Believe me.

Why do you feel low and without confidence? Answer that question and either change what it is you don't like about yourself or learn to love it. True confidence is sexy. Everybody is attracted to confidence and self-love... men, women, children... if you're warm, confident, and positive, men will see that and want to be apart of that. Its just human nature.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I admire you for your post and the others for their honest and helpful answers (and MrsAriannaAmbers for, er, being a cheeky mess whose pick up lines had me rolling ).

Funny thing about beauty and attention to looks-- the more you have of it, the harder it can bring you down and damage your self-esteem. Why? Because we live in societies in which women's physical apperence remains the most vaunted element of their existence. Doesn't matter what degrees you have, what Nobel Prizes you won, what people you saved from what burning building...if you do not have conventional physical beauty, you will be deemed "less than" (see: Janet Reno; Hillary Clinton; Madame Curie) while, if you DO have conventional physical beauty, you will STILL be deemed "less than" because that is presumed to be the defining characteristic of your personhood, to the exclusion of all else.

Modern urban societies (the ones that do not value the Elders of their community) have set you up for failure either way. Heaven forbid you get old or unattractive...or ARE that way!

When you feel your value as a person is based in large part on ephemera, on pillars that will eventually crumble, it takes a whole heck of a lot to be organically self-confident. By organically I mean 'Not self-confident in response to others' reactions to me; just self-confident on my own and in of myself."

I'm not assuming that's how you yourself feel or think, OP. I used "you" to mean "one" or "a person."

It makes perfect sense to feel wistful and disappointed that men don't come up to you; most people crave romantic or intimate connection and are rightly disappointed when they feel deprived of it. But when you begin connecting with people on an emotional and mental level (i.e. warming up to people the way the posters above suggested), you will learn that your greatest assets are your kindness, sense of humor, and open mind.

I believe that the more you make connections on these bases, the more you will stop judging your value on men's responses (or lack of response) to the double-edged sword of beauty.

Good luck! It's a great thread...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Girl...I can't thank you enough for starting this thread!

I have felt the same way for a long time.

I too get the "you're so pretty" comment from women, or remarks made to my mom saying how pretty my sister and I are, but NEVER do I hear guys saying that to me.

I get "hollar'd" at by strange off-the-wall men on the street, but barely do guys who I would actually consider "serious relationship material" approach me. YOu would think I would have guys lined up at my door. Umm....NOT!! Ask me when the last time I went on a date was!

It sucks!! Sometimes I think the women who are a little nice-looking have it a bit harder than women who are plain or even ugly! Being in a relationship has NOTHING to do w/looks (as I've finally realized), but still it can just be kind of a blow to the self-esteem when you don't get approached by a lot of guys...espcially if OTHER women or people are telling you that you're pretty.

I don't know... I think the ladies here are right though, it's your confidence and comfort within yourself that will attract others. Notice that I said confidence...not conceit! Plus, if you act more approachable (smile more, be engaging, etc) I think you will find more guys approaching you. Sometimes all it takes is a little first gesture here or there, and a guy will do the rest if he's interested in getting to know you a little better. I had to learn that the hard way too.

I noticed that when I smiled more, or felt completely content and happy with my life, I got a LOT more attention from men. Looking good and nice doesn't hurt either, but it's really something that radiates from the inside out. Because I can be in sweats and still get appoached. So, I really think it has to do with smiling more, being more friendly, open, and engaging with people. When you're comfortable w/yourself, I think others sense it and are in turn comfortable around you and like being w/you.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

One thing I never understood is why is it that some guys can talk to every other female yet just sit and stare at me? I mean, I'm serious, a woman can walk in the room and the guy will get up and approach her while I've been in the room the whole time just getting stared at. I don't know if it has happened to you OP but it stings real bad.

 

[Dani.Nicole]

Thank you ladies for your insight! I honestly thought I was alone. And for a minute I thought I was crazy because no one else really understood me lol But I know now that I need to be warmer. I guess I'll try that tomorrow when I go to class!

 

[ang3lface816]

Nope you are not alone. I used to get the same thing.. I think I just give off a cold vibe until I meet someone i am comfortable with.. B/c women don't talk to me at all.. I have a few women friends, and looking back they all started the convo with me.. they are really outgoing. I am not. . I do get men that talk to me, but like you said.. usually the type who shouldn't.. lol.. But yep, I agree w/everyone.. you are a pretty girl.. and sometimes I think that makes it harder.. B/c some men who don't have confidence in themselves think you are out of their league..
Then again, you have those that have to be the "Fine" one in the relationship.. i had a guy tell me that once.. (the reason why he always tried to bring me down lol).

But just keep a smile on your face( I get so many compliments when i do), try to maintain a positive attitude.. And most of all don't be afraid to laugh..

and before you know it, the dudes will be all over you..

 

[aribell]

I understand what you mean. A lot of times we focus so much on the idea that if a man is really into you that he'll go out of his way to get to know you. But even if a man likes you, if he doesn't think you'll be responsive, he's not going to approach you. At this point, I've been told by multiple men that that I seemed closed off, intimidating, am taken, etc. To a certain extent, you simply are who you are. But if who you are isn't giving you the results you want, it's okay to change that. I try to smile more, engage in friendly chatting even if I wouldn't naturally do so or don't feel like it. It only takes a little to change things around.

 

[bluerose17]

I am so glad that you started this thread, b/c your post is basically the story of my life lately. You are definitely not alone! I've been told that I'm pretty, cute, and even sexy. I'm in college and I don't get approached by guys either, and definitely not by the ones that I would prefer approach me. I think my shyness has a lot to do with it, and the fact that I don't go out much..not to mention that I don't have the friendliest face either..I very rarely smile unless I am engaged in conversation,which is something I know I need to work on. It's like I am confident in my looks, but I guess my social skills need building because guys definitely aren't flocking to me lol..and sometimes it has me thinking like what is wrong with me?

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Thank you ladies for your insight! I honestly thought I was alone. And for a minute I thought I was crazy because no one else really understood me lol But I know now that I need to be warmer. I guess I'll try that tomorrow when I go to class!

Hopefully your trial will be successful definitely keep us posted!!!

 

[inthepink]

I understand what you mean. A lot of times we focus so much on the idea that if a man is really into you that he'll go out of his way to get to know you. But even if a man likes you, if he doesn't think you'll be responsive, he's not going to approach you. At this point, I've been told by multiple men that that I seemed closed off, intimidating, am taken, etc. To a certain extent, you simply are who you are. But if who you are isn't giving you the results you want, it's okay to change that. I try to smile more, engage in friendly chatting even if I wouldn't naturally do so or don't feel like it. It only takes a little to change things around.

This is what I am thinking too.

I NEVER get approached men. Never have. Yet, I refuse to believe it has anything to do with prettiness b/c pretty women get approached all the time. I think it has to do with shyness as well as wanting to ward off the ickies (who do approach, you know the ones) that I may ward off the un-ickies, too. I don't really know what to do about it either. I just try to smile more and look more open.

 

[Lucie]

Some women are intimidated by men, so imagine how some men may feel. I can relate to what you're saying. Sometimes men find a woman so attractive they talk themselves out of even trying to approach you and say, "Hello."

My entire life I have always heard men and women say they didn't expect me to be so nice. Don't let this bring you down, keep being yourself and let your guard down. You don't need to look crazy smiling to yourself, LOL. However, the people you perceive to be friendly, how do they act? How do they speak? Look at others? Copy what you like with your own twist. Good luck! I bet you'll be have to get a bat now with all the men approaching you!

 

[inthepink]

Some women are intimidated by men, so imagine how some men may feel. I can relate to what you're saying. Sometimes men find a woman so attractive they talk themselves out of even trying to approach you and say, "Hello."

My entire life I have always heard men and women say they didn't expect me to be so nice. Don't let this bring you down, keep being yourself and let your guard down. You don't need to look crazy smiling to yourself, LOL. However, the people you perceive to be friendly, how do they act? How do they speak? Look at others? Copy what you like with your own twist. Good luck! I bet you'll be have to get a bat now with all the men approaching you!

This is funny. I agree!! I usually just smile if I make eye contact with someone whether they smile at me first or not. Otherwise, I just try to have a "pleasant" look on my face and try not to look like I'm concentrating on something. I noticed that since I think a lot and read a lot, I may have a serious look on my face. Not sure if OP has same issue. So - try to relax facial muscles.

 

[Dani.Nicole]

Hopefully your trial will be successful definitely keep us posted!!!

I did try it out, but I also forgot to mention that I am REALLY shy. So although I may not have looked as mean, I couldn't get myself to look directly at the faces. Idk why but when I know a lot of men are around and I have to walk pass them, I look down or I just look ahead like they aren't even there. I guess that could pose a problem lol

But on the bright side, while I was standing outside of class yesterday, this one guy did approach me in a way. I was looking hella confused because I had no clue what I was gonna eat for lunch and he was like "You looking for me?" In my mind I was like But it did make me feel nice inside for once

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Idk why but when I know a lot of men are around and I have to walk pass them, I look down or I just look ahead like they aren't even there. I guess that could pose a problem lol

Hey I do the same thing. I guess it's because I know everyone is staring (and it doesn't help that I can see their head moving in sync with me) at me so as long as I look at the ground/straight ahead then I'm ok but the minute I look up, I want to pass out . However, if I see a lot of people standing around somewhere, I will find a way to cut through without walking past/near them even if it means going the long way. Sorry, I couldn't really offer advice for this but wanted to let you know I feel your pain.

 

[laCriolla]

it's not so simple as 'pretty' and intimidated or 'not pretty' etc...

especially in college. lots of guys that age want to test the waters, and enjoy their youth. they may see you as someone who carries herself in a way that lets them know you are relationship material. I used to hear that in college - "she's 'wifey'" or "she's what I want when i'm done playing the field" which is really nice and all, but, at the time I wanted to go on dates, too! LOL . my male friends then explained they wanted to sleep around and could tell I wasn't going to do that.