Divorced Ladies-When did you know it was OVER?

[reallynow]

DH and I are going through a rough patch right now, and while neither one of us is ready to give up, it got me to thinking when do you know it's over?

 

[Crysdon]

I don't have any advice for you, as I've never been married. Just wanted to say that I hope everything works out for you both.

 

[tarheelgurl]

I knew it was over when I was laying awake in bed at night thinking of ways to fake my death so that he couldn't find me. Yes, that did cross my mind many nights............

But, to give you a little more insight, I think when you just can't go thru the motions of marriage anymore and you are wellllll beyond tired then it might be over. Everybody gets tired, everybody hits a rough patch and seems like everybody, at some time, wonders if it is worth it.

In the end, it is worth it and everything worth having has to be worked on at some point. It seems like you and your husband are just at a rough spot right now, but you can work through it with effort from both of you.


Good luck!

 

[reallynow]

I don't have any advice for you, as I've never been married. Just wanted to say that I hope everything works out for you both.

Thank you !!!

I knew it was over when I was laying awake in bed at night thinking of ways to fake my death so that he couldn't find me. Yes, that did cross my mind many nights............

But, to give you a little more insight, I think when you just can't go thru the motions of marriage anymore and you are wellllll beyond tired then it might be over. Everybody gets tired, everybody hits a rough patch and seems like everybody, at some time, wonders if it is worth it.

In the end, it is worth it and everything worth having has to be worked on at some point. It seems like you and your husband are just at a rough spot right now, but you can work through it with effort from both of you.


Good luck!

I agree.........I was just thinking last night (laying awake, blinking ) If we got to the point of no return, would I know and how would I know. We are absolutely not there, and we know we will work through this.

Thanks!!

 

[MissScarlett]

DH and I are going through a rough patch right now, and while neither one of us is ready to give up, it got me to thinking when do you know it's over?

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry!

I think this is a normal phase in a marriage. How long have you and dh been married? Relationships are cyclic, they are up and down and have rough patches, its ok, its just recognizing that it is in fact just that.....a 'rough patch' and try and overcome it. Now I see a rough patch coming, I just try and put out more positivity towards my marriage

These are the times that people are talking about when they say "marriage is work"-here's the work....you just decide as a couple you're not going to give into all of that divorce mess. Or- it might be that YOU or HE and maybe not together (which would be ideal) have to be willing to try, if both of you give up, then that's it. If you are both sitting around feeling like this one person has to step up and say "let's make things work" Its not a sign of weakness of either party's part- I think NOT doing so is a sign of weakness. Hang in there, it will pass.

If I don't wake up and want a divorce, every six months, then I'm drinking wayyyyy too much coffeee

 

[reallynow]

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry!

I think this is a normal phase in a marriage. How long have you and dh been married? Relationships are cyclic, they are up and down and have rough patches, its ok, its just recognizing that it is in fact just that.....a 'rough patch' and try and overcome it. Now I see a rough patch coming, I just try and put out more positivity towards my marriage

We'll be married 5 years in February. While I know it's a rough patch, some of the same issues are resurfacing, but we had a talk and are committed to working things out.

These are the times that people are talking about when they say "marriage is work"-here's the work....you just decide as a couple you're not going to give into all of that divorce mess. ITA with that!!! I'm willing to work and so is DH so that makes me feel better about the entire situation, *sigh*.Or- it might be that YOU or HE and maybe not together (which would be ideal) have to be willing to try, if both of you give up, then that's it. If you are both sitting around feeling like this one person has to step up and say "let's make things work" Its not a sign of weakness of either party's part- I think NOT doing so is a sign of weakness. Hang in there, it will pass.

If I don't wake up and want a divorce, every six months, then I'm drinking wayyyyy too much coffeee

Thanks so much!! I have faith that everything will work out, I'm just feeling blah and anxious. We have set aside time tonight to talk about what is going on with us, we were supposed to make lists of things and bring them to the table tonight, thus why I feel anxious!!

 

[Serenity K]

Thanks for this thread. I REALLY needed to read this!!!

 

[septemberbaby]

((((hugs)))) to you reallynow.

I hope that you guys work things out and get through this rough patch.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Well, the good thing is at least the BOTH of you have decided to first, SET ASIDE SOMETIME to COMMUNICATE and find out what is wrong. A very positive step. You guys are totally headed in the right direction. Don't even think of knowing when it's over. I'm not married, nor have I ever been, but just from talking with people who have been...trust me, when one moves out and you start to receive notices from attorneys, and papers are served, then you know it's a bumpy road ahead. You guys have a chance.

When you guys are through talking, let him know that you still love him. Men need reassurance and so do women. I'm all for keeping BLACK LOVE alive.... now, I just gotta find it

 

[MissScarlett]

Thanks so much!! I have faith that everything will work out, I'm just feeling blah and anxious. We have set aside time tonight to talk about what is going on with us, we were supposed to make lists of things and bring them to the table tonight, thus why I feel anxious!!

Awwww...that's so good. Before dh and I got a grip on our marriage... we would just walk around and not talk to each other I mean how mature is that? I always tell folks we didn't have pre-marital counseling, we had the 'get in there and figure it out' type

Anyway, you'll be fine just remember a few things when you talk...never seem accusatory (although we always know its their fault) Don't lay 'blame'.....talk to, not at...I don't know why but men will in a minute feel like you're talking to them like 'you're their mama' if you seem belitting, accusatory or emasculating in any way. Listen, re-state what he's saying are his issues are, don't seem combative and don't try and be too emotional when stating the issues or like you're the victim (yet again, we know we are the victims) ...you know any little thing and men clam up.

Listen, I know I'm always jumping in someone's marriage issues giving my un-wanted .02 cents but I believe in marriage and I think barring getting beat, an un-provider and drugs, ANYTHING can be worked out Every anniversary, dh and are like *whew* we made it another year.

 

[reallynow]

Well, the good thing is at least the BOTH of you have decided to first, SET ASIDE SOMETIME to COMMUNICATE and find out what is wrong. A very positive step. You guys are totally headed in the right direction. Don't even think of knowing when it's over. I'm not married, nor have I ever been, but just from talking with people who have been...trust me, when one moves out and you start to receive notices from attorneys, and papers are served, then you know it's a bumpy road ahead. You guys have a chance.

When you guys are through talking, let him know that you still love him. Men need reassurance and so do women. I'm all for keeping BLACK LOVE alive.... now, I just gotta find it

Yeah our communication has been an issue in the past, so I was like this is what we are gonna do -the list - and then he was like -on Monday evening we are going to talk about it.

Girl I am all about Black Love and I am do not buy in to the no good Black men hype. God will send you the right one, just trust in that.

Awwww...that's so good. Before dh and I got a grip on our marriage... we would just walk around and not talk to each other I mean how mature is that? I always tell folks we didn't have pre-marital counseling, we had the 'get in there and figure it out' type

Anyway, you'll be fine just remember a few things when you talk...never seem accusatory (although we always know its their fault) Don't lay 'blame'.....talk to, not at...I don't know why but men will in a minute feel like you're talking to them like 'you're their mama' if you seem belitting, accusatory or emasculating in any way. Listen, re-state what he's saying are his issues are, don't seem combative and don't try and be too emotional when stating the issues or like you're the victim (yet again, we know we are the victims) ...you know any little thing and men clam up.

Listen, I know I'm always jumping in someone's marriage issues giving my un-wanted .02 cents but I believe in marriage and I think barring getting beat, an un-provider and drugs, ANYTHING can be worked out Every anniversary, dh and are like *whew* we made it another year.

Thanks so much for your advice, sometimes we just need an ear other than our regular go to folks IRL. I love ya'll for that.

At the bolded, I have to remind myself about not playing the victim card (even though I know I am ) Thanks for the reminder!!!

Thanks for this thread. I REALLY needed to read this!!!

I'm glad I could help. I wasn't going to post, but I knew I was not the only one in this situation right now, (((hugs))) to you!!

((((hugs)))) to you reallynow.

I hope that you guys work things out and get through this rough patch.

Thanks shakira! I'm being positive in all my thoughts, cause I know we will get through this.

 

[Shonni]

Awww i'm so sorry you are going through all that. I knew it was over when I found myself thinking of ways to leave him, plus I as beginning to hate him.

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

Awwww...that's so good. Before dh and I got a grip on our marriage... we would just walk around and not talk to each other I mean how mature is that? I always tell folks we didn't have pre-marital counseling, we had the 'get in there and figure it out' type

Anyway, you'll be fine just remember a few things when you talk...never seem accusatory (although we always know its their fault) Don't lay 'blame'.....talk to, not at...I don't know why but men will in a minute feel like you're talking to them like 'you're their mama' if you seem belitting, accusatory or emasculating in any way. Listen, re-state what he's saying are his issues are, don't seem combative and don't try and be too emotional when stating the issues or like you're the victim (yet again, we know we are the victims) ...you know any little thing and men clam up.

Listen, I know I'm always jumping in someone's marriage issues giving my un-wanted .02 cents but I believe in marriage and I think barring getting beat, an un-provider and drugs, ANYTHING can be worked out Every anniversary, dh and are like *whew* we made it another year.

Great advice. OP my husband and I are going to celebrate our six-year anniversary in November. ITA with MissScarlet, we AIN'T getting divorced. Tell yourself the only way out is via the coroner.

There are days that I strongly dislike my husband and months where I don't love him. Greater than the sum of those feelings is the committment I have to the institution of marriage as a whole. I made a vow to persevere through all things and I have deicided I will do my best to do so. And if not for me, I will for our children.

 

[MissScarlett]

Great advice. OP my husband and I are going to celebrate our six-year anniversary in November. ITA with MissScarlet, we AIN'T getting divorced. Tell yourself the only way out is via the coroner.

There are days that I strongly dislike my husband and months where I don't love him. Greater than the sum of those feelings is the committment I have to the institution of marriage as a whole. I made a vow to persevere through all things and I have deicided I will do my best to do so. And if not for me, I will for our children.

Love it...love it...

Think about the grandmas and grandpaps 50 years ago. My grandparents were married 60 years, dh's 70! How many months and years were the pissed off at each other It comes and goes I believe but I still think the good times outweigh the bad times.

 

[PatTodd]

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry!

I think this is a normal phase in a marriage. How long have you and dh been married? Relationships are cyclic, they are up and down and have rough patches, its ok, its just recognizing that it is in fact just that.....a 'rough patch' and try and overcome it. Now I see a rough patch coming, I just try and put out more positivity towards my marriage

These are the times that people are talking about when they say "marriage is work"-here's the work....you just decide as a couple you're not going to give into all of that divorce mess. Or- it might be that YOU or HE and maybe not together (which would be ideal) have to be willing to try, if both of you give up, then that's it. If you are both sitting around feeling like this one person has to step up and say "let's make things work" Its not a sign of weakness of either party's part- I think NOT doing so is a sign of weakness. Hang in there, it will pass.

If I don't wake up and want a divorce, every six months, then I'm drinking wayyyyy too much coffeee

What she said!

 

[reallynow]

Thanks so much ladies, you have no idea how much you all have helped me get through this day!!!

 

[Connie]

Love it...love it...

Think about the grandmas and grandpaps 50 years ago. My grandparents were married 60 years, dh's 70! How many months and years were the pissed off at each other It comes and goes I believe but I still think the good times outweigh the bad times.

An ex-boss of mine who retired last year, who has been married to his wife for 40+ years, told me once that there are many times during a marriage where you won't like your spouse. You'll still love them, but you won't like each other. Remembering that marriage is a commitment based on love is what gets a marriage through those times when you can't stand one another.

And he still calls his wife "Babe" and holds hands with her.

That's the kind of marriage I hope to get a second chance to have.

 

[MissScarlett]

Yeah our communication has been an issue in the past, so I was like this is what we are gonna do -the list - and then he was like -on Monday evening we are going to talk about it.

Girl I am all about Black Love and I am do not buy in to the no good Black men hype. God will send you the right one, just trust in that.



Thanks so much for your advice, sometimes we just need an ear other than our regular go to folks IRL. I love ya'll for that.

At the bolded, I have to remind myself about not playing the victim card (even though I know I am ) Thanks for the reminder!!!



I'm glad I could help. I wasn't going to post, but I knew I was not the only one in this situation right now, (((hugs))) to you!!



Thanks shakira! I'm being positive in all my thoughts, cause I know we will get through this.

I used to **** **** about dh, I learned quickly that wasn't the route to take with all my friends. I try to to be the friend that my friends call and give me all their marital woes and not judge. I hate the judgers all the while they are sitting around and their ish is all f'cked up but giving you the, "my marriage is great and if that were my dh...." line

 

[reallynow]

I used to **** **** about dh, I learned quickly that wasn't the route to take with all my friends. I try to to be the friend that my friends call and give me all their marital woes and not judge. I hate the judgers all the while they are sitting around and their ish is all f'cked up but giving you the, "my marriage is great and if that were my dh...." line

So very true, which is why I brought this to you all. I know there are a lot of great people in long lasting relationships who could gibe me perspective on my situation w/out a whole lotta extra stuff thrown in.

 

[wannabelong]

When he cheated and did not have time to go to marriage counseling.

 

[Nazarite27]

As soon as that fool put his hands on me -- OVA!!! No question, no discussion -- I'm out!!

 

[NYAmicas]

Hugs to all of you ladies! This is a great thread!

 

[gn1g]

Married 10years, It was not a single thing it was a combination of things at various times through out the marriage. The question I ask myself was Can you live with this, that and the other for the rest of your life? Are you willing to make this big of a sacrifice? I intend to live a rich full satisfying life with or without a man. So getting a divorce was all about timing for me. Keeping it vague.

 

[kandake]

I hope your talk is going well.

All marriages go through rough patches. I think the key is understanding that sometimes you have to be committed to the commitment so to speak. Like others have stated, you're not always going to like each other, heck your not always going to love each other; its during those times its important to not focus on the person or the problems but on the vow that you made. If you both have this understanding then you should be okay.

 

[Stormy]

This thread is right on time! And thanks MissScarlett for posting the communication advice! I won't hijack this thread, but I REALLY needed to see this! I don't have any married friends who I can talk to, so it's really hard for me right now.

Leaving before I start tearing up again.

Thanks ladies.

 

[reallynow]

Thanks ladies-I really appreciate all of the advice, stories and well wishes. We had talk part 1 last night and will continue this evening. Everything is going well so far-DH tends to try hard not to hurt my feelings (which I appreciate) but last night we laid some ground rules and one of them was complete honesty. If it needed to be harsh (cuz uh I had some ) then we were to soften it as much as possible w/out being hurtful.

I'll keep you all updated.

 

[Stormy]

Yes those heart to heart talks really do help! Glad to read everything is going well with you two.

 

[VincyLongLocksWanted]

I kept thinking that I can't live the rest of my life like this.

 

[glam-]

This is a great thread.

 

[crlsweetie912]

This thread is right on time! And thanks MissScarlett for posting the communication advice! I won't hijack this thread, but I REALLY needed to see this! I don't have any married friends who I can talk to, so it's really hard for me right now.

Leaving before I start tearing up again.

Thanks ladies.

This is a great thread.