Divorce Support Thread
- Thread starter panamoni
- Start date
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
Been through it. It is not for the faint of heart. Be sure it is what you want and do your best stay a lady while going through it.
If you have kids remember this, your kids will now possibly have an explosion in new relations with all kinds of step this and step that so the holidays, ceremonies, banquets, dances, recitals, football games, etc. will be interesting in the family dynamics area.
If you have kids remember this, your kids will now possibly have an explosion in new relations with all kinds of step this and step that so the holidays, ceremonies, banquets, dances, recitals, football games, etc. will be interesting in the family dynamics area.
OhSoOthentik
Well-Known Member
My divorce was finalized on November 6th. I agree with Ms.CoCoFace. I find it sad that my relationships with my in-laws (who I grew to love) are now strained.
Excellent advice.
Its definitely not for the faint of heart. And I say that as someone who was married for short time and didn't have any kids. So I can't imagine what it would be like for someone else.
And ITA with being a lady and maintaining your dignity.
panamoni
Well-Known Member
Do you already have an attorney lined up and everything?
Can you give examples. I'm thinking of the complete silent treatment. That would prevent any yelling or embarrassing behavior.
SHEANITPRO
Well-Known Member
I divorced over 7 years ago. I sure wish I had a forum like this back then.
I will be a source of support/encouragment for those of you currently going thru though....I'll be checking in from time to time.
Great thread Panamoni!
I will be a source of support/encouragment for those of you currently going thru though....I'll be checking in from time to time.
Great thread Panamoni!
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
Trust and believe every emotional button you have will get pushed during this time. Depending on your state, if you go through lawyers, paralegal and if there are funds and property to be split as well as children involved.
The best advice I can give is that I went into professional business mode with him. I did my best to stay diplomatic and listened to the advice of the person helping me with the divorce.
I had to be even more diplomatic because of my situation as in who made more money, who would have to pay alimony, etc.
I set up agreements before hand and had to keep my mouth shut during the 6 months it took to get the divorce because during that time he had the right to forgo our agreement and ask for an alimony and he would not have to pay child support even though I had custodial rights. Oh yeah, it was that deep.
Find out what your laws are in your state about divorce. Be very aware of what your laws are in your state before you start serving papers to him. You want to be sure this is really what you want and it is the ONLY solution.
I did this after years of counselling, multiple seperations and countless times forgiving. This decision was not made lightly and when all that I could do to save the marriage was done, then I was really done.
I was with this person for over 27 years 20 of them being married. He was my high school sweetheart.
Don't compare your situation to mine, everyone is different. You know what you can and cannot handle in your marriage, just be sure.
The best advice I can give is that I went into professional business mode with him. I did my best to stay diplomatic and listened to the advice of the person helping me with the divorce.
I had to be even more diplomatic because of my situation as in who made more money, who would have to pay alimony, etc.
I set up agreements before hand and had to keep my mouth shut during the 6 months it took to get the divorce because during that time he had the right to forgo our agreement and ask for an alimony and he would not have to pay child support even though I had custodial rights. Oh yeah, it was that deep.
Find out what your laws are in your state about divorce. Be very aware of what your laws are in your state before you start serving papers to him. You want to be sure this is really what you want and it is the ONLY solution.
I did this after years of counselling, multiple seperations and countless times forgiving. This decision was not made lightly and when all that I could do to save the marriage was done, then I was really done.
I was with this person for over 27 years 20 of them being married. He was my high school sweetheart.
Don't compare your situation to mine, everyone is different. You know what you can and cannot handle in your marriage, just be sure.
Just making sure his actions or the divorce itself don't cause you to do things that are out of character. (which can be hard)
Things like fighting (verbal and physical), defacing property, extreme bad mouthing, being overly vengeful and spiteful, etc.
I told my ex that I wanted to deal with it as amicably as possible. This was extremely stressful and draining because I had to deal with a lot of things internally. Of course I dreamed of him getting hit by a semi truck, the hot grits, the busting his windows out, bad mouthing him to family and friends, etc. BUT, I didn't allow myself to act on those things. It wouldn't serve a purpose other than making me look psychotic and unstable.
I think when children are in the mix, its even more important to be mindful of these things.
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mscocoface
Well-Known Member
I was terrified of being alone, never could imagine it but I knew I could no longer raise my man chile who was 8 at the time in a home where Mommy was literally becoming a robot and dying inside.
At that point I no longer cared what others thought, I had had enough and gone above and beyond what many wives normally would endure.
I married for life and I come from a family were you get married and stay married.
Being too old. I have to chuckle I am celebrating my 49th birtday today and I got married 2 1/2 years ago to a wonderful, incredible guy.
I did a lot of work on myself during the years I was "single" because I did not want to carry bagage over into any relationship I may have wanted. It was long, hard and emotionally uncomfortable, but because I did all of that work before I married again, it has been much better this time around.
Anytime I can answer a question for anyone going through this just let me know. You can PM if you don't feel comfortable asking here.
I have to admit I am feeling a little exposed telling this but I know if it will help someone then it is worth it. Each one teach one right?!?!?!?
Went through it and came out a survivor.
Few tips:
I will say, find one person you can trust to vent. Although I love my family and we are very close, I could not discuss\vent it with them. I tried at the beginning and they just frustrated me. I had one friend I could talk to. I just needed someone to list and not give me advice or try to help me.
Keep yourself busy. I wanted the divorce but I ended up with a lot of free time on my hands, since I did not have children. I enrolled in grad school. Graduation is 12/20, yeah me. I also learned how to crochet.
Finding a new guy to replace the old guy may end in disaster. I thought that I could casually date about 6 months after seperating and I couldn't. I had been in a relationship and subsequent marriage with my ex for over 12 years. So I knew nothing about dating in the new millineum (sp).
I thought I was fine and didn't have a melt down until a year after my seperation. I screamed, cried, nearly threw up and fell completely out. It will happen, don't fight it. Afterward you will feel much better.
Don't seclude yourself from friends. I told them about the seperation and that we were getting a divorce and I held one very simple Q&Q and told them I would no longer discuss it.
You will have thoughts of killing your ex and even plot ways that you can get away with it. I believe that is normal as long as you don't carry through.
Every day it hurts a little less, even though you will not believe it as you are going through the madness.
There is nothing wrong with being by yourself, but you are never alone because GOD is with you.
Smile because you are beautiful.
ETA: I really did want to save my marriage but it didn't happen that way. At the end of it all so you will not have any regrets, make sure you have done everything possible and darn near impossible to try to work it out. That is what I did and I have no regrets. If you speak to the former Mr. Thickhair, he now has regrets that he wasn't receptive to what I was asking, NOW and for the last 2 years he wanted to take some action. To late for ya dude, that ship has sailed.
Few tips:
I will say, find one person you can trust to vent. Although I love my family and we are very close, I could not discuss\vent it with them. I tried at the beginning and they just frustrated me. I had one friend I could talk to. I just needed someone to list and not give me advice or try to help me.
Keep yourself busy. I wanted the divorce but I ended up with a lot of free time on my hands, since I did not have children. I enrolled in grad school. Graduation is 12/20, yeah me. I also learned how to crochet.
Finding a new guy to replace the old guy may end in disaster. I thought that I could casually date about 6 months after seperating and I couldn't. I had been in a relationship and subsequent marriage with my ex for over 12 years. So I knew nothing about dating in the new millineum (sp).
I thought I was fine and didn't have a melt down until a year after my seperation. I screamed, cried, nearly threw up and fell completely out. It will happen, don't fight it. Afterward you will feel much better.
Don't seclude yourself from friends. I told them about the seperation and that we were getting a divorce and I held one very simple Q&Q and told them I would no longer discuss it.
You will have thoughts of killing your ex and even plot ways that you can get away with it. I believe that is normal as long as you don't carry through.
Every day it hurts a little less, even though you will not believe it as you are going through the madness.
There is nothing wrong with being by yourself, but you are never alone because GOD is with you.
Smile because you are beautiful.
ETA: I really did want to save my marriage but it didn't happen that way. At the end of it all so you will not have any regrets, make sure you have done everything possible and darn near impossible to try to work it out. That is what I did and I have no regrets. If you speak to the former Mr. Thickhair, he now has regrets that he wasn't receptive to what I was asking, NOW and for the last 2 years he wanted to take some action. To late for ya dude, that ship has sailed.
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Makenzie
Well-Known Member
With the exception of the kid, my story is the same. OP, it will be hard.
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
ALL SO VERY TRUE!!!
To answer your questions:
Never afraid because I lived by myself before we were married.
Never thought about what other's would think because it didn't matter. Him and I were in this marriage and we knew what was going on. No one knew about the issues, we kept quiet about it.
I see people of all ages getting married. Since I don't want kids I am comfortable when and if I get married at an older age. I think the only folks worrying about being old are those ladies who want kids.
I got the strength when I knew that our marriage was beyond repair and it would be best that we weren't together.
He did make me wait two years before signing the papers. In PA if you wait two years you don't need a signature, but that was typical of him. We get along better now that we are no longer married. So much so that people think we are getting back together. Umm, heck no, I do not like him like that. Even the though of sex with him hurts my stomach. And this is a man I use to crave and run home too.
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honeycomb719
New Member
Timing is so right for this thread. Im going through with my new hubby...These thoughts are running through my mind.**Subscribing**
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
The infamous MELTDOWN. Mine happend the day I was on the phone talking to a friend I had not seen in 10 years, my sister came upstairs into my office and said you have some mail.
I looked down and it was the divorce decree which said my marriage would be disolved offically June 17. That was Father's day.
I LOST IT. Crying like I had never cried before, it went to my bedroom and didn't come out the rest of the day, my sister had to take care of my son because I was just not able to do anything the rest of the day I was in a catatonic state after crying.
So yeah, don't fight it, just roll with the wave of emotions that will hit you during your meltdown.
As for dating........You might as well have said to me we were going to Pluto because that was unchartered territory for me. My first boyfriend was my husband. I had no idea, but I was working on myself and what I need to do in order to become a better human being and figured if it was going to happen it would and it did when I was least expecting it with the a person I would have never thought was my type or THE ONE!
Take it one day at a time. Sometimes it may be one hour at a time.
I received my decree on my 36 birthday and I cried tears of happiness. I called my mom and was so excited and she thought I had lost my mind. She showed up at my house to make sure I was ok. She wanted to stay the night. I told her I was happy not sad. She gave me the side eye and called me 5 times in a 3 hour span.
Jazzmommy
Well-Known Member
Yes, I interviewed about 5 attorneys before I picked one. I meet with him on Monday to hand over copies of assests and liability. I had read a few divorce books that gave the advice to get a copy of the docs before he has a chance to. I have my P.O. Box lined up.
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*Happily Me*
Well-Known Member
good advice, ya'll. My divorce was finalized last year. sometimes, I'm like this was the best thing that could have happened to me becasue the rocky relationship I had with my ex taught me a lot about myself and forced me to grow. but he's still very much a part of my life. He's like a really good friend I can count on...
othertimes i like how in the heck did i end up single again. I must be stupid!
lol
there are good days and bad days. but it's all a learning experience.
(hugs)
othertimes i like how in the heck did i end up single again. I must be stupid!
lol
there are good days and bad days. but it's all a learning experience.
(hugs)
*Happily Me*
Well-Known Member
MoniintheMiddle
Well-Known Member
I've only been married for 5 years and let me tell yo the first TWO-THREE were ROUGH!!!! I did consider divorce but looking back on it, we were really learning each other. You have to determine what battle is worth it and like ThickHair said...DO ALL YOU CAN TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE before ever calling it quits
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
I always say marriage is not for cowards or spoiled people. Those two things are instant disaster or a long tough road for a relationship.
simsim1980
Active Member
Thank you so much for this thread. Sorry to say but I'm going through the same thing. its hard trying to keep cool and be a laby at the same time. I feel used and confused, the thoughts that im thinking is not good.
I'm Jamaican and i'm really starting to hate Jamaican men. from family to friends to stories i've heard bout them, it just makes me sad. out of the mass...only a handful i can say are good and faithful.
I want to thank God for my mother and aunt cause if it wasnt for them I would have done some horrible things
I'm Jamaican and i'm really starting to hate Jamaican men. from family to friends to stories i've heard bout them, it just makes me sad. out of the mass...only a handful i can say are good and faithful.
I want to thank God for my mother and aunt cause if it wasnt for them I would have done some horrible things
Jazzmommy
Well-Known Member
I was wondering if there are any ladies here who were/are the "breadwinners" in their marriage? If so, how did you fare in the divorce? Did you have to pay alimony etc., I earn 3x more than my husband, so he might be able to make an arguement for it.. even though he had every opportunity in our 8 years of marriage to finish his degree. One of his lies before we were married is that he only had 1 year left to get his B.A. (I have a Masters) it turned out he has only TAKEN 1 years worth of classes.
honeycomb719
New Member
I am trying really really hard, but its been trying. He dont want counseling nor does he want to go to church. IDK what else to do. When arguments get tough I have no where to go to cool down. I have no friends here.
panamoni
Well-Known Member
Did anyone have red flags and signs telling them that they shouldn't have married their husbands in the first place but did it anyway, then ended up getting divorced for those same reasons you were aware of at the outset?
Why did you marry him knowing you shouldn't have? How are you going to avoid doing the same thing in the future?
Why did you marry him knowing you shouldn't have? How are you going to avoid doing the same thing in the future?
Mrs.Green
Well-Known Member
Thickhair its as if you are in my brain
Every last thing you've said is right on. Almost like you are talking about my divorce experience.
The bolds are dead on for me.
I was wondering if there are any ladies here who were/are the "breadwinners" in their marriage? If so, how did you fare in the divorce? Did you have to pay alimony etc., I earn 3x more than my husband, so he might be able to make an arguement for it.. even though he had every opportunity in our 8 years of marriage to finish his degree. One of his lies before we were married is that he only had 1 year left to get his B.A. (I have a Masters) it turned out he has only TAKEN 1 years worth of classes.
I "brought home" quite a bit more than my spouse, but he pulled his weight. That was my mother's worry that he would sue for alimony, but no it didn't happen. The reason why I say brought home is that he had child support. Our yearly salaries were almost even, I was about 5k more than him but his child support took a HUGE chunk. So it wasn't an issue.
