"Dirty Talk" by bf/so..

[kayte]

I had a male friend who told me... when he once asked about my relationship and how it was going...(he did have a hidden agenda... he was trying to date me himself w/out success) anyways when he asked me..how things were going...and I hesitated as my bf and I were going through a rocky period.

...."well, he cares very much for me,blah-blah-blah"
my friend interrupted....does he talk dirty to you
that stopped me in my tracks and before I could answer he said
If he's not talking dirty to you ..then he doesn't love you

I wonder... .....is there is any truth in that...is it a barometer of.... anything...whether that talk is even present or constant or never emerged... or has stopped? I never examined it before... it always comes within the larger context of relationship via other acts of caring so there is a balance.

I bring it up now cas the current relationship,he always talked to me in terms of sweet or tender language and he does say I love you...just never generally crossed that line voluntarily..he's kind of conservative...and now.......he's more graphic.... w/out 4 letter words... and it's even poetic...but very very graphic
I do not know why I squirm

I've sometimes said I'm getting uncomfortable and he will stop immediately on a dime...but lately ....he 'll go on and on with this ....narrative... of what he plans to do ..with me ...and it's not..awful ...it just feel like outtakes from an amateur soft porn dvd....
I like being desired....but I get so confused....Just wondering about others take on this...

 

[sky_blu]

There is NO hint of truth to that was he serious or was he joking? Most guys Ive dealt with get uncomfortable if I talk dirty to them so I couldnt imagine "talking dirty" as being something to show that they love me. Makes no sense.

 

[Butterfly08]

There is NO hint of truth to that was he serious or was he joking? Most guys Ive dealt with get uncomfortable if I talk dirty to them so I couldnt imagine "talking dirty" as being something to show that they love me. Makes no sense.

Co-signing. Just something stupid he made up to throw doubt in your mind. Or maybe HE wanted to do the talking. That crap irritates the boo boo out of me, I shut it down with a quickness.

 

[TCT]

Co-signing. Just something stupid he made up to throw doubt in your mind. Or maybe HE wanted to do the talking. That crap irritates the boo boo out of me, I shut it down with a quickness.

 

[erokawa]

That's stupid and has no truth. Your friend is trying to fill you with doubts so that your current relationship fails and he has his chance.

 

[Theo]

I read the OP out to BFF (he's a guy) and he said that it doesn't make any sense.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

If he's not talking dirty to you ..then he doesn't love you

Thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard

 

[dlewis]

Thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard

ITA............

 

[kayte]

Your friend is trying to fill you with doubts so that your current relationship fails and he has his chance.

Co-signing. Just something stupid he made up to throw doubt in your mind. Or maybe HE wanted to do the talking. That crap irritates the boo boo out of me, I shut it down with a quickness

There is NO hint of truth to that was he serious or was he joking? Most guys Ive dealt with get uncomfortable if I talk dirty to them so I couldnt imagine "talking dirty" as being something to show that they love me. Makes no sense

I read the OP out to BFF (he's a guy) and he said that it doesn't make any sense

Thank you very much for weighing in!
When I read through the comments .....it was the reality check I needed.
This is one area where it is so so confusing for me....for many many reasons ...that it was good to be able to step back a bit and realize from the helpful comments... which mirrored what's appropriate/what's not...
to not second guess myself in sussing out a man's comments and motives.

It's probly still a nebulous dept...but definitely something to think about going forward

many thanx!

 

[ThickHair]

Thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard

Aint that the truth. Men come up with all types of lines now a days.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Yeah, I don't think this is true.

When things ended with my ex, we went through the stage of "trying to remain friends". One texting conversation I mentioned I had just got out of the shower. (This is after he had asked what I was doing and I my response had no sexual intentions). His reply was something to the effect of "ooh can i join you?" or something like that. It was very dirty to me and made me uncomfortable. he didn't speak to me that way throughout the course of our relationship. i instantly felt that this was the way that he was talking to his jump offs and the girls that he was cheating with when we were together. it also came to me very suddenly that he had lumped me in a group with them without regard to us being in a relationship 3+ years.

This is why I am no fan of continuing a friendship after a break up. I think most times (maybe not all the time) that neither person has the proper intentions. One most likely has hopes of getting back together and the other wants to use that person by stringing them along to get whatever out of them that they need. But that is another topic

ETA: Now if he is using "dirty talk" with you playfully. I don't think that means he doesnt respect you. My scenario described above just shows how an instance of dirty talk or change to such talk indicated the way my ex had demoted me. But I think that dirty talk may take place in good relationships. Likewise, there are prolly good relationships without the dirty talk. I have only had one relationship so I dont know it all, lol!

 

[kayte]

Now if he is using "dirty talk" with you playfully. I don't think that means he doesnt respect you.

I'm still trying to figure things out here, ...confusing

But I think that dirty talk may take place in good relationships.

I would think that's true..in a healthy committed relationship spicy language is part of the menu


Thank you for sharing....
It's so odd.....I don't even use that phrase dirty..dirty has a diffrent meaning for me...
It's funny that a male friend coined that in testing me...

But definitely majority of bfs along w/ saying love you..you are beautiful ..you're so ..blah blah whatever...& balancing this w/loving actions/gestures... wld (do) also talk in a provocative or sexy way, some times graphic ....mostly I get uncomfortable..wld always wind up saying I'm not comfortable ...or asking.. but you also love me for me,right??
one bf wld just sigh and say I hate when you ask that.. isn't it obvious.......
& then a male offering that reasoning to rate the degree of how much I was being cared for? Confusing...but I am seeing through the comments posted on this ....that the motives were not honest...
shld ..add...I'm no prude..I like being desired... BUT as a Christian..the whole topic..very loaded..

 

[miami74]

Aint that the truth. Men come up with all types of lines now a days.

True that!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I don't believe that for one second.

In fact, usually if a guy is trying to sweet-talk a girl, or talk "dirty" to her, it typically tells me that he has one thing and one thing ONLY on his mind. It doesn't give me the impression that he's willing to really get to know her on a deeper level.

Actually if you ask me, I think that the guys who are perhaps hesitant to speak "dirty" towards you and who actually can carry a normal conversation with you without it turning all sexual are the ones who really care about you as a person and are really interested in you on a deeper level. They really want to get to know you, what makes you tick, how you think, your likes/dislikes, etc. They don't just have a hidden agenda. Most guys know that "dirty talk" probably makes a girl uncomfortable anyway, so if he can hold off on that (even if he WANTS to talk dirty) then that guy is a keeper IMO.

Usually the ones that talk dirty right off the bat don't really see you as long-term potential. That's just my own personal opinion.

 

[DayStar]

you shoulda punched him in the mouth

 

[kayte]

Usually the ones that talk dirty right off the bat don't really see you as long-term potential. That's just my own personal opinion.

These men I erplexednever have more than one conversation with..we have nothing in common

I think that the guys who are perhaps hesitant to speak "dirty" towards you and who actually can carry a normal conversation with you without it turning all sexual are the ones who really care about you as a person and are really interested in you on a deeper level.

This IS where it's been confusing. These are the men that care about what I do..who I am....show up for me in every way... we share beautful times....but STILL...
everynow and then....

Most guys know that "dirty talk" probably makes a girl uncomfortable anyway, so if he can hold off on that (even if he WANTS to talk dirty) then that guy is a keeper IMO.

I'll remember that..
you know what...THIS is the norm for me ..they usually do hold off for quite a while.. it just when it starts I get insecure but you clarified it...yeah...no man that I have been involved with jumped in with all of that.... I'm trying to remember anyone who did ....no....not even my male friend who told how men express love..tried that ...hmm

you shoulda punched him in the mouth

..it's such a small mouth,my fist might miss it

 

[MD_Lady]

I had a male friend who told me... when he once asked about my relationship and how it was going...(he did have a hidden agenda... he was trying to date me himself w/out success) anyways when he asked me..how things were going...and I hesitated as my bf and I were going through a rocky period.

...."well, he cares very much for me,blah-blah-blah"
my friend interrupted....does he talk dirty to you
that stopped me in my tracks and before I could answer he said
If he's not talking dirty to you ..then he doesn't love you

I wonder... .....is there is any truth in that...is it a barometer of.... anything...whether that talk is even present or constant or never emerged... or has stopped? I never examined it before... it always comes within the larger context of relationship via other acts of caring so there is a balance.

I bring it up now cas the current relationship,he always talked to me in terms of sweet or tender language and he does say I love you...just never generally crossed that line voluntarily..he's kind of conservative...and now.......he's more graphic.... w/out 4 letter words... and it's even poetic...but very very graphic
I do not know why I squirm

I've sometimes said I'm getting uncomfortable and he will stop immediately on a dime...but lately ....he 'll go on and on with this ....narrative... of what he plans to do ..with me ...and it's not..awful ...it just feel like outtakes from an amateur soft porn dvd....
I like being desired....but I get so confused....Just wondering about others take on this...

WOW. Now THAT'S line I have honestly never heard before.

Bolded comments aside, you don't have to apologize or doubt yourself because something makes you feel uncomfortable. Everything really doesn't work for anybody. It's great that some folks are all about talking dirty, but it's perfectly okay if you're not.

 

[MzLady78]

Thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard

Pretty much.....

But as soon as the OP said he had a hidden agenda, I knew some nonsense was gonna follow.

 

[Ms Red]

I think it all depends on the context in which the 'dirty talk' is used.

Obviously, this guy had a not-so-hidden agenda and used dirty talk to try to lure you in.

But within the confines of a healthy relationship (where there is no disrespect or violent tendencies, either physical, mental or emotional), if both parties willingly participate, I don't see a problem with it (FOR ME).

ETA: Everyone knows what their own 'healthy relationship' would consist of.

 

[kayte]

I think it all depends on the context in which the 'dirty talk' is used.

Obviously, this guy had a not-so-hidden agenda and used dirty talk to try to lure you in.

But within the confines of a healthy relationship (where there is no disrespect or violent tendencies, either physical, mental or emotional), if both parties willingly participate, I don't see a problem with it (FOR ME).

ITA..I love this ..

Bolded comments aside, you don't have to apologize or doubt yourself because something makes you feel uncomfortable. Everything really doesn't work for anybody. It's great that some folks are all about talking dirty, but it's perfectly okay if you're not.

And there it is ..THAT's been conflict at issue..sexy talk in a caring relationship..what are the boundaries..should there be any? does it indicate love if it is present or not

once my "friend" said that stuff I said to myself okay I see where YOU are at ..

but what about my primary relationship with my bf...when he says that stuff..should'nt I be okay with it? ...my bf is pretty conservative and it
is healthy as defined by above post..he's usually has a line where he goes this far ..and no further..with provocative language
he does NOT use the common four letter words for example... LOL... he's really creative with the english language,tho I'm surprised what can be said in standard words without scatalogical speech....
anyways...he is not provocative all the time ..and I do participate ....but I can get insecure....
and not just with him.... in the past I've ALWAYS asked the guy to qualify that he cares for me and not just for ******.......

Since I posted this ....I do feel more secure because the currrent bf encourages me to speak up honestly... even I am if ticked off
and if he DOES start ...for whatEVER reason.... if it triggers any uncomfortable feelings.... I say so...and he stops on a dime without question or resentment.
I appreciate everyone weighing in ... I like that I don't HAVE to know

"you don't have to apologize or doubt yourself"
that the above can be and is enough....

I thinking more and more,tho... I am a survivor... and that this may actually be at the root rather than ,,,,healthy sexy language interchange and play between two caring consenting adults.