Difficult to receive/welcome affection...

[Fine 4s]

Please do not quote

When someone initiates affection, I reject it.
Unless I'm initiating, I feel extremely vulnerable in the moment. I feel the same way about compliments.

As you can imagine this affects all my relationships but mostly with SOs.
As you can also imagine, foreplay also makes me uncomfortable. I feel very self-conscious and afraid that I might do something wrong or something that will be judged as "wack" later. Doing any romantic activity like sensual massages, dancing for someone or taking a shower together (the latter is easier) makes me uncomfortable. I believe I'm being judged and that I'm not doing it right.

I hardly ever invited friends or SOs to a dance show (when I danced). When I'm comfortable enough to invite you to a dance performance, you KNOW I'm comfortable with you and open and vulnerable.

The only time I can give affection is when it's superficial (lying).
I'll tell someone I don't REALLY love that I love them in a heartbeat! I'll show affection when I don't really mean it in a heartbeat. But when it's real, that's when I shy away from it. When I was 16, I told a boy I liked him and then ran away. Like ran, did a sprint

Do any of you have any tips or suggestions on how I can overcome this?

Please do not quote

 

[biznesswmn]

I know how u feel. U can absolutely overcome this but u will hav to put your fears of judgment to the side. It will prob take a while since u hav been fakg affection/love for a long time but one good thing is u know when its a fake.

This is how i was able to begin to open up: Think of someone who u loves u - no doubt in your mind, this person loves u. U can b a lil bit vulnerable w this person. Try giving real love and affection knowing that it wont b rejectd and u wont b humiliated for it. Examine how u feel in the moment and celebrate your progress. Then u can move on to others whose feelg u r not as sure of. Take it slow but recognize when u need to do it (express genuine love) bcuz u will most likely be inclined to hold back

R u assuming that ppl are like u and cannot receive the love and affection that u want to give? Is that why u dont give more readily?

BTW, i belv givg and receivg are the same so u can exchng one word for the othr as u read.

 

[Hairsnob]

I could have written your post. I'm better now though but not 100%. I was told I wasn't affectionate enough by an ex a long time ago. I try to fake it in relationships after that but as with anything, you can't fake for long and you forget and go back to your old ways naturally.

I'm not the hi baby, hi smoochie-poo type. Never have been and probably never will be. I feel so corny and fake being that way. Yet, I could say something like "awww, I still WUV you baby" to a friend just joking around. But just saying I love you out of the blue was hard.

My mother wasn't affectionate towards us and that's definitely the reason I'm that way.

However, like you said, I can reciprocate feelings but I could never initiate anything. I always thought it was because I was shy. I don't know.

 

[Fine 4s]

Great question biznesswmn
My assumptions are:
Giving too much (smothering)
Most people don't LIKE it
Showing weakeness/vulnerability

Thoughts of my mom came up.
She seemed emotionally strong. She didn't seem to date lots of men, never had time for men and just didn't need them? She had one boyfriend growing up (that I knew of.)
Perhaps I assumed the male role in protecting the family (father absent) or maybe the moments where I saw her the most 'tender' was with a man and I didn't like what I saw.

I'm not sure what it is...

 

[Fine 4s]

Hairsnob

I can say lovey-dovey things BUT [are you ready for this?] it has to be in child-like voice. I cannot be lovey-dovey in a mature way. That is NOT sexy people. I have to be cutsey wootsie to hide behind the emotion I'm conveying. First off SO makes me giddy so when he brings his grown man sexy on, I swear I just want to run away. I love it but I'm scared of it at the same time.

My mom was VERY affectionate even in front of her friends she would kiss and hug me and it was soooo annoying. LOL
I miss her.

 

[Lucie]

You have to take baby steps. If I may ask where you doted on as a child? And given verbal and physical affection? Being the same ethnicity as you, IMHO I feel many of us were not raised with much affection. I used to be the same way as you until one day my ex-DH screamed at me, "You only are affection when you want to have sex. I don't like that!" I felt so embarrassed and I tried to think of a time he was wrong but could not. I guess because we had sex often, I never correlated the two. Also, I realized my lack of being affectionate made him feel rejected. I used to yell at him for telling me, "I love you," every day.

I did a total 180 since then. I started by calling people I care about sweet names. I told people how I felt about them more often, instead of just in a birthday card. With my dude, I started reaching out for his hand more. And telling him I loved him at the end of the conversation. Then I started doing unexpected things like grabbing his face and kissing him all over. Or hugging him from behind when he was doing dishes or making a snack. I found a new thing to do every day. Now, I am super affectionate and my current dude is......... not. He is what I used to be. Merde fwenk! LOL!

And when it comes to being intimate, you are not getting graded. It is a fun way to express yourself. He is NOT judging you for being wack and is pleased to be with you. If you are nervous, ask him what he likes affection-wise. Physically. Et cetera. Have you ever read the book, "The 5 Love Languages?" It might help you guage your love language and your dude's. All the best.

 

[Lymegreen]

I used to be the same way...I would lie about my feelings to men who were interested in me.

Oh man... and then I didn't know what to do with them when I had 'explored' enough. Needless to say I had a lot of drama early on.

I made my mistakes then I finally decided to find out what true love would be for me. I was still pretty reckless in my approach because I was impatient.

What I didn't realize was that I just hadn't met 'the one yet' plain and simple. It wasn't that there was love around that I wasn't appreciating - I just hadn't found him yet.

But hind sight is 20/20.


So, I said well if I'm waiting on Mr. Right then I'm going to have more authentic relationships with my Mr. Right Nows.

That's when I started by trying to open up. I remember one time I was just acting crazy and got on all 4's and started howling like a wolf! HAHA

Something had just got me excited what can I say and I was just being silly. LOL Yeah dude was like WTF!!??? [insert side eye] lol

So I understand your fear but you just have to remember that being you is good enough. And so what if they find you strange this is your quest not his/theirs.

You only have one life and I totally co sign with wanting to enjoy it to it's fullest. The good, bad and all.

I don't really have advise but just wanted to post because I understand how you feel.

How I did it was thinking of my heart as being guarded by a gate. That 'gate' so to speak would only open slowly and only for my personal best in men.

#1 on my list was kindness and character
#2 sexual attraction

Then I'd take it from there. I always 'rewarded' satisfactory behavior with praise and admiration. So, if I was getting butterflies then I knew I had to say or do something to show how I felt.

It's hard to do! heck I remember when I couldn't look a guy I liked in the eyes but now I can hold VERY long eye contact with my DH and it is one of the BEST things in the world.

 

[biznesswmn]

So maybe you do think ppl r like u bcuz u assume they will feel smothrd or dont like it = rejecting the love. Well they r not and neithr r u, not really, which is why u want to change this abt yourself. Youre not 'rejectg' all the love shown in these ladies posts, relating to u and givg u cyberhugs, right?

U gon' b just fine be patient w yourself

Agreeing w lymegreen - And so what if they find you strange this is your quest not his/theirs.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm listening...taking it all in.

 

[janiebaby]

taking notes......you are not alone

 

[Rae81]

good post op , i am like this as well

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

I too could have written the original post. It's confusing because I grew up in a loving affectionate household. But I think in jr high school when I really started liking boys and I would express my affection and it wasn't returned or I was called ugly or the guy just wanted to be friends it dinged my confidence. Even as a young adult and then adult when I expressed affection and the guy expressed it also and then it didn't work out or he left for someone else it leaves me feeling like I wasn't good enough and like I never should have opened up in the first place. What was the point.

I make progress and then have a heartbreak and regress.