Differences in lifestyle...rant/advice (long)

PopLife

PopLife

Well-Known Member
My BF is what you would call a busy body, who is extremely active and social. I am on the other hand reserved, I like going out and being social but I also need my alone time. I have never really had a problem with my BF's lifestyle but he seems to have a problem with mine.

Based on a conversation we had a few months back, he feels like I lack passion and have no interest or hobbies...that in turn led to a huge argument.
My interest and hobbies have varied throughout the years but when I do get into something I am passionate about it. Most of them currently are things that I can't really discuss with him like skin care, makeup, and hair care (he's bald) lol. :look:

He is really into physical activities and anytime he has asked me to go hiking, cycling, workout, etc... I have went and enjoyed it. I have even suggested we do a marathon together since he has done them before and to try to do something together, but he basically showed no interest. I feel like he compares my lifestyle to his and views me as boring just because I'm not hanging out with my friends 5 nights a week or taking some type of class or recreational sport.

It has gotten to the point now when he ask what I did that day or what I have planned for the weekend I feel like I have to have a list of things that fit his criteria of importance. I hate feeling like this. :nono:
I have never complained about him hanging with his friends, pursuing his hobbies, or looked to him to entertain me. Him having his own life is one of the things that actually attracted me to him because I like having time to myself. I can't change who I am but it really hurts to know that he feels this way about me. Any advice or suggestions?
 
Heed this warning, if you plan to marry this guy, figure it out BEFORE you get married. It will not improve if you marry without a remedy and\or an agreement. If you don't plan on marrying him, try to get along but don't lose yourself.
 
I think you should sit down and have a conversation with him.

From what I read when you two talked about it previously, you argued.

I'm sure his comments made you defensive, like he was telling you there is something wrong with you. He may view it as trying to get you to be more adventurous.

Maybe he thought he was being helpful, by broaching the subject.

Instead of each of you becoming angry and arguing about it.

I would sit him down and say..

" I was thinking about that argument we had the other day and I apreciate you looking out for me and wanting me to be more active, that is really sweet.

I know you're a social butterfly and you like to be very active, and I like that about you and appreciate it. I, on the other hand, am more low-key.

I like quiet time and having time to myself and this does not mean I lack passion. I'm not saying that your way is right or my way is right, we just differ in this area, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I see this is something that can compliment our relationship. "

Also let him know that some of the things he said hurt your feelings.

Hopefully, he will take heed...

I would never lie to him about what I was doing. You're great, just the way you are. :yep:
 
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ThickHair said:
Heed this warning, if you plan to marry this guy, figure it out BEFORE you get married. It will not improve if you marry without a remedy and\or an agreement. If you don't plan on marrying him, try to get along but don't lose yourself.
Click to expand...


He also mentioned that this was a concern of his if we were to get married. He wants to know what I do with my free time.
It is also a concern of mine because I like to relax sometimes in my free time and I don't want him viewing me as being lazy.

For example he wakes up at 5am even on the weekends, I enjoy sleeping and like to sleep in but sometimes feel like I'm being lazy if I'm over his house and still in the bed after 7am. I can't keep this up...
 
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Talk it out and let him know how you're feeling. When it comes to differences in lifestyle I think that's something that needs to be worked out before moving on to something serious like marriage. With divorce rates being at an all time high, what may be cute or tolerable in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, could cause a marriage coupled with bills, stress, kids etc... to drift right into divorce court. I think if you both consider each other keepers, then you are going to have to talk it out and work diligently to smooth out differences, problems,ill feelings, irritations,etc......
Talk it out and let him know how you're feeling.
 
cutiepiebabygirl said:
I think you should sit down and have a conversation with him.

From what I read when you two talked about it previously, you argued.

I'm sure his comments made you defensive, like he was telling you there is something wrong with you. He may view it as trying to get you to be more adventurous.

Maybe he thought he was being helpful, by broaching the subject.

Instead of each of you becoming angry and arguing about it.

I would sit him down and say..


" I was thinking about that argument we had the other day and I apreciate you looking out for me and wanting me to be more active, that is really sweet.

I know you're a social butterfly and you like to be very active, and I like that about you and appreciate it. I, on the other hand, am more low-key.

I like quiet time and having time to myself and this does not mean I lack passion. I'm not saying that your way is right or my way is right, we just differ in this area, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I see this is something that can compliment our relationship. "

Also let him know that some of the things he said hurt your feelings.

Hopefully, he will take heed...

I would never lie to him about what I was doing. You're great, just the way you are. :yep:
Click to expand...


Thanks, we have talked about it since then and he apologized for hurting my feeling...but every time he ask me what I'm doing I sort of jump on the defense because I feel like he is judging me. I just want him to accept me for who I am and not view me as being lazy just becuase I'm not as active as him.
 
PopLife said:
Thanks, we have talked about it since then and he apologized for hurting my feeling...but every time he ask me what I'm doing I sort of jump on the defense because I feel like he is judging me. I just want him to accept me for who I am and not view me as being lazy just becuase I'm not as active as him.
Click to expand...


^^ I agree. You are not being unreasonable, I've been in that type of relationship where the man deemed me unfit, because we differed in certain areas, and it's a terrible feeling.


I would talk to him more and find out his stance on things...let him know exactly what you're telling us.

Tell him you're so defensive that you feel bad for being yourself...he may have no idea how you feel/ are dealing with this.

You need to know if this will be a deal-breaker for your relationship.

If he can accept you...then great, but if not then you have to decide who's more important.

Him or you...
 
I think he is being disrespectful. I am a homebody and love my sleep too :yep:. My dh thinks waking up at 7am on Saturday is "sleeping in," that makes me :giggle: because I can easily sleep till 9 or 10. Your bf seems to think his way is the best way. Don't let him make you feel bad about who you are and what makes you happy. It seems he likes you except for this and that, and I don't like that. It seems like he's picking on you. If he wants someone like him then why did he choose an easy-going girl who enjoys peace and quiet? I have found that extroverted people tend to not understand introverted people and that can be annoying.
 
hopeful said:
I think he is being disrespectful. I am a homebody and love my sleep too :yep:. My dh thinks waking up at 7am on Saturday is "sleeping in," that makes me :giggle: because I can easily sleep till 9 or 10. Your bf seems to think his way is the best way. Don't let him make you feel bad about who you are and what makes you happy. It seems he likes you except for this and that, and I don't like that. It seems like he's picking on you. If he wants someone like him then why did he choose an easy-going girl who enjoys peace and quiet? I have found that extroverted people tend to not understand introverted people and that can be annoying.
Click to expand...

I find this true sometimes too. I feel like he is on the other extreme in a bad way at times. He fills his days up with so many activities that by the end of the day he can barely keep his eyes open...I don't like feeling like that.
He is constantly drinking coffee and energy drinks, I feel like if he would just slow down and not wake up with the roosters he wouldn't be so exhausted all the time. But I'm the one with the problem. :rolleyes:
 
It feels like he is judging whether he realizes what he is doing or not. Has this recently become an issue for you? I am happy he apologized but please observe his actions because they do speak louder than words. Do not feel bad about you are. I hope he can accept you (which is wonderful) as you are. :)
 
PopLife said:
...He is really into physical activities and anytime he has asked me to go hiking, cycling, workout, etc... I have went and enjoyed it. I have even suggested we do a marathon together since he has done them before and to try to do something together, but he basically showed no interest. I feel like he compares my lifestyle to his and views me as boring just because I'm not hanging out with my friends 5 nights a week or taking some type of class or recreational sport...
Click to expand...
IMO, he's being judgemental and disrespectful and you need to call him on it. Based on your post, you respect him for and "allow" him to be who he is and he owes you the same courteousy.
 
I think you really need to take some time for yourself and look at your situation objectively and ask the tough question: Are you two really compatible?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a reserved homebody, just like there is nothing wrong with being an outgoing social butterfly. But if either of you feel that you have to change your basic personality to make the relationship work, then that is a huge problem.

I think one of the elements of a happy relationship is that both people feel like they can be themselves and are accepted for who they are. If you are constantly feeling under attack for not being more active and out and about, you will be miserable in the long run.
 
There's a lot of guys out there who think there is only ONE way to do things.

My husband for example kind of got an attitude with me one day when he realized I didn't want to be just like him. He wants to be an officer in the army, meanwhile I could care less. He just looked at me like, wow I did not know your aspirations were so low.

That hurt, but I told him I joined so I could learn how to work on cars and one day start a car repairing business, not to make this army mess a career. I got what I wanted out of the army and now I'm focusing on my civilian goals. And really, being in the army gets in the way of MY goal of being a mother. So yeah, I'm not all gung ho about it like he is.

Let me not get too carried away with my own story. But we've since resolved our issues because I involve myself in activities that have nothing to do with him. I'm taking a sewing class and I'm a big sister in a program. So yeah, just find things that have absolutely nothing to do with him then he'll probably be happy, maybe even a little jealous lol.
 
caltron said:
I think you really need to take some time for yourself and look at your situation objectively and ask the tough question: Are you two really compatible?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a reserved homebody, just like there is nothing wrong with being an outgoing social butterfly. But if either of you feel that you have to change your basic personality to make the relationship work, then that is a huge problem.

I think one of the elements of a happy relationship is that both people feel like they can be themselves and are accepted for who they are. If you are constantly feeling under attack for not being more active and out and about, you will be miserable in the long run.
Click to expand...

I have really thought about this and feel like maybe we aren't.
He is the one who is making it an issue. I respect him for who he is and have never impeded on his personal/friend time nor tried to change him. Maybe I'm down playing it but I feel like if this is the only complaint he can come up with about me, then maybe he's just not that into me. I'm just tired of it...these men are getting pickier by the minute.
 
cutiepiebabygirl said:
I think you should sit down and have a conversation with him.

From what I read when you two talked about it previously, you argued.

I'm sure his comments made you defensive, like he was telling you there is something wrong with you. He may view it as trying to get you to be more adventurous.

Maybe he thought he was being helpful, by broaching the subject.

Instead of each of you becoming angry and arguing about it.

I would sit him down and say..

" I was thinking about that argument we had the other day and I apreciate you looking out for me and wanting me to be more active, that is really sweet.

I know you're a social butterfly and you like to be very active, and I like that about you and appreciate it. I, on the other hand, am more low-key.

I like quiet time and having time to myself and this does not mean I lack passion. I'm not saying that your way is right or my way is right, we just differ in this area, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I see this is something that can compliment our relationship. "

Also let him know that some of the things he said hurt your feelings.

Hopefully, he will take heed...

I would never lie to him about what I was doing. You're great, just the way you are. :yep:
Click to expand...

Awesome advice
 
I agree w/ ThickHair. One thing that I'm looking for in getting remarried is someone who does alot of the same things I do. My main focus is someone I not only vibe with, but where we have alot of parallels in how we do things.
 
PopLife said:
I have really thought about this and feel like maybe we aren't.
He is the one who is making it an issue. I respect him for who he is and have never impeded on his personal/friend time nor tried to change him. Maybe I'm down playing it but I feel like if this is the only complaint he can come up with about me, then maybe he's just not that into me. I'm just tired of it...these men are getting pickier by the minute.
Click to expand...

The answer to disagreements is to have open conversation and allow time for change. Please don't assume that you are incompatible because your SO lacks an accurate perception of how you live your life.

Talk and then let each other have the space to be authentic . If he desires you, I'm sure he will find pleasure in your differences as you have found pleasure in his.
 
It seems that you haven't really communicated your passions to him. You said that you can't discuss your current passions with him because you don't think he can relate. Sometimes its less about him having the same interest in areas that interest you and more about knowing that you have independent passions and interests that are completely unrelated to him. No man wants a woman that appears not to be interested in anything outside of her man's interests. I'm not saying that's how you are, but your actions may be unintentionally showing him that the type of woman you are.
 
Ummm, I go out and do things but I like my sleep/relaxation and nobody who knows me would call me lazy.:perplexed You should talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. I agree with the other posters, there's nothing wrong with being a homebody or an extrovert so long as you respect the differences in your partner and don't try to change them. It sounds like you've done that, you SO needs to do the same.:yep:
 
Op try to talk about it with him maybe his view/perception will change. I think that his expectation of you getting up at 5am because he does is ridicules but this could possibly be very important to him. The one thing that I know from experience is that any relationship that you have to give up part of who you are to be in it, is a big price to pay.
I'm sure you're fine just being you.
 
tibb1908 said:
Op try to talk about it with him maybe his view/perception will change. I think that his expectation of you getting up at 5am because he does is ridicules but this could possibly be very important to him. The one thing that I know from experience is that any relationship that you have to give up part of who you are to be in it, is a big price to pay.
I'm sure you're fine just being you.
Click to expand...


I've never experienced any relationship where I had to give up a part of me to please some man. A healthy relationship should mean that two parties can accept each others similarities and differences. Like I mentioned in my previous post, if you aren't talking to him about what your passions because you think he can't relate, how do you expect him to know? It seems like you SO asking questions about what plans you have for the weekend is a way of seeing some glint of passion in something unrelated to him. Be open to him about what your passionate about, and if he can't accept you, then find a man that will.
 
*~*Afrolicious*~* said:
I've never experienced any relationship where I had to give up a part of me to please some man. A healthy relationship should mean that two parties can accept each others similarities and differences. Like I mentioned in my previous post, if you aren't talking to him about what your passions because you think he can't relate, how do you expect him to know? It seems like you SO asking questions aim bout what plans you have for the weekend is a way of seeing some glint of passion in something unrelated to him. Be open to him about what your passionate about, and if he can't accept you, then find a man that will.
Click to expand...

Well I'm happy to hear that you've never done something for a man that wasn't part of who you are but when I was younger, I did a lot of stupid things. For example, allowing a man to give me an excuse when my intuition and his actions told me differently, or cooking daily knowing it wasn't me etc. I wouldn't do it now because I know better.
 
Charz said:
who wakes up at 5am on a Saturday unless its for work?
Click to expand...
:look::look: Meeee I've been like this since the day I was born per my parents. My Mom, best friend and a few other folks I know.
I do envy folks that can sleep in and for hours. I long for that.......


ETA: OP I'm sorry you are going thru this. I think its important to share some similar interest with your mate but opposites do attract. I hope you guys find a happy compromise if he is the guy for you.
 
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I was in a relationship like this a couple years ago. He was Mr. Social and I was Ms. Domestic/Homebody. And he would unintentionally judge me and my "hobbies" (reading, poetry, hair, running, etc - aka things that can be done alone for the most part). I am very introverted; he, gregarious. And it did get to the point where I felt like I had to make up some fabulous story of "what I did this weekend while you were at the party" in order to be acceptable (I never did though) and not considered lame.

I won't say that this type of relationship won't work (this wasn't the downfall of our relationship), but I will say that it is a strain and if the relationship is to progress to marriage, it will become a bigger issue than it seems. And there has to be mutual respect for each other's lifestyle.
 
tapioca_pudding said:
I was in a relationship like this a couple years ago. He was Mr. Social and I was Ms. Domestic/Homebody. And he would unintentionally judge me and my "hobbies" (reading, poetry, hair, running, etc - aka things that can be done alone for the most part). I am very introverted; he, gregarious. And it did get to the point where I felt like I had to make up some fabulous story of "what I did this weekend while you were at the party" in order to be acceptable (I never did though) and not considered lame.

I won't say that this type of relationship won't work (this wasn't the downfall of our relationship), but I will say that it is a strain and if the relationship is to progress to marriage, it will become a bigger issue than it seems. And there has to be mutual respect for each other's lifestyle.
Click to expand...

This is exactly how I feel and I would often wonder how it would be if we got married.
We aren't talking right now, we got into another argument about this subject earlier this week. I apologized for what I said (I called him a poser and some other not so nice things :look:) and he has yet to respond to my text, so I am done. It has taken entirely too much effort on both of our parts to try to make this relationship work. I'll let Miss "Ambition" have him...
 
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