Did your relationship go through trying times before marriage

[LiftedUp]

... or was everything hunky dory straight through?

I ask because the older we (me and the women around me) get, I notice that the more people are settling down and getting married. Now while I'm an advocate for people "doing them", I'm wondering if these scenarios are normal.

These are some of the complaints from different women that I got in 2013. Some overlap:
*he cheated
*we haven't spoken to/seen each other in months
*he doesn't have a steady job
*he wants me to spend my money on everything
*he knows that I am unemployed and still in school but still he expects me to pay for xyz
*we don't go out, he takes me for granted
*he doesn't wish me happy birthday etc. and doesn't buy me gift for any occasion.

etc.

But this year it's, "we're engaged to be married".

Now I do not mean unavoidable things like being laid off, death in the family etc. I mean character flaws.

My question is, is it unrealistic to expect a smooth sailing courtship before marriage? I honestly do and I've unapologetically left men if they didn't meet my expectations because I believe that I deserve a great courtship. Is this realistic?

 

[Babysaffy]

I'd love to know the answer to this, as I honestly don't know if I'd accept a proposal from my longterm SO now.. Not going into details

 

[RUBY]

Honestly, yes I think its unrealistic to expect a smooth sailing courtship before marriage because everything is bound to have some type of issues at some point. Obviously whether or not a relationship is via for marriage depends on what the issues are and if they can be resolved.

 

[gabulldawg]

no relationship is perfect, but I've been married four years and have yet to experience any of that. If i would have experienced any of this prior to marriage I probably would not have married that person.

 

[IslandMummy]

The things listed are drama; self inflicted drama at that.

DH and I had some issues and disagreements but nothing like that. Miscommunication, working too much, learning who we were as a couple, finances etc normal issues that need to be worked out before marriage

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

I don't believe it should be "smooth sailing" but that term is subjective and relative to the list you put there OP, I can name a lot of things that are "smooth sailing".

There are discussions that should be had that would probably cause friction in any relationship like IslandMummy states: finances, miscommunication, blending families etc.. I would not call it smooth sailing

 

[hopeful]

I don't think most people experience smooth sailing the whole time leading up to marriage although some do which I imagine would be wonderful. IMO the things you mentioned are deal breakers though, more than a rough patch.

 

[Ganjababy]

No. It was smooth sailing until we got married and started living together. He did not believe in shacking and I did not believe in marriages, but I'm an adventurous person so I said "what the hell, I will try this."

It was tough. I felt like he was invading my space and he felt like he had married a nutcase (he had). Every month I wanted a divorce due to pmt.

We are cool now.

 

[Kanky]

Men are on their best behavior before marriage. If it is already a mess then you should probably pass on the marriage.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Men are on their best behavior before marriage. If it is already a mess then you should probably pass on the marriage.

Are they?

10 char

 

[CaraWalker]

I don't believe it should be "smooth sailing" but that term is subjective and relative to the list you put there OP, I can name a lot of things that are "smooth sailing". There are discussions that should be had that would probably cause friction in any relationship like IslandMummy states: finances, miscommunication, blending families etc.. I would not call it smooth sailing

yeah those issues are a little bit beyond "not smooth sailing." character failings and aimless (moneyless) lives is not just disconcordant with "smooth sailing"

 

[LiftedUp]

Ok so I could expect good times then

Honestly I was getting worried. I'm really not good at settling

 

[Glib Gurl]

LiftedUp

How old are these ladies? What is their education level and that of the me they're dealing with? Are these ladies financially secure in their own right?

 

[LiftedUp]

@Glib_Gurl They are all in the age range 25-30. The ages of the men go up to about 34. They all have their Bachelors degrees and most have their Masters. The men have similar qualifications except for one, another one is suspect, I'm not sure what he did.

The one who's fiance doesn't understand that she doesn't have the kind of cash to be spending the type of money that he spends and who do not buy gifts, she finishing her Masters (full time) and does consultancy work on and off. The rest are financially secure.

** That info is just off the top of my head in 5 mins

 

[SelahOco]

Nah, son. You don't marry the dude who cheats on you and spends all your money.

That's not rocky waters, that's a man who won't make a good husband.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Our time dating was great. No drama. No confusion.

 

[Farida]

Some arguments/disagreements are normal. Whatever it is though it will be X10 worse when you get married. There are some problems you put up with in marriage because of the commitment, but outside of that I would run for the hills. Why stay with a man who cheated on you? You owe him nothing. If at the simplest, newest and best time of your relationship if things are horrible, why go on? It won't get any better,

 

[nlamr2013]

all relationships go through trials but what you listed in the op are character flaws. cheating, stinginess, and inconsideration are not acceptable.

 

[Glib Gurl]

@Glib_Gurl They are all in the age range 25-30. The ages of the men go up to about 34. They all have their Bachelors degrees and most have their Masters. The men have similar qualifications except for one, another one is suspect, I'm not sure what he did.

The one who's fiance doesn't understand that she doesn't have the kind of cash to be spending the type of money that he spends and who do not buy gifts, she finishing her Masters (full time) and does consultancy work on and off. The rest are financially secure.

** That info is just off the top of my head in 5 mins

Ugh. Why would ladies who have themselves together in terms of their education and careers settle in the relationship department? (This is strictly a rhetorical question...unfortunately. )

 

[naturalmanenyc]

These are not "trying times". These are red flags for those looking for a traditional marriage minded man.

... or was everything hunky dory straight through?

I ask because the older we (me and the women around me) get, I notice that the more people are settling down and getting married. Now while I'm an advocate for people "doing them", I'm wondering if these scenarios are normal.

These are some of the complaints from different women that I got in 2013. Some overlap:
*he cheated
*we haven't spoken to/seen each other in months
*he doesn't have a steady job
*he wants me to spend my money on everything
*he knows that I am unemployed and still in school but still he expects me to pay for xyz
*we don't go out, he takes me for granted
*he doesn't wish me happy birthday etc. and doesn't buy me gift for any occasion.

etc.

But this year it's, "we're engaged to be married".

Now I do not mean unavoidable things like being laid off, death in the family etc. I mean character flaws.

My question is, is it unrealistic to expect a smooth sailing courtship before marriage? I honestly do and I've unapologetically left men if they didn't meet my expectations because I believe that I deserve a great courtship. Is this realistic?

 

[pearcey]

... or was everything hunky dory straight through?

I ask because the older we (me and the women around me) get, I notice that the more people are settling down and getting married. Now while I'm an advocate for people "doing them", I'm wondering if these scenarios are normal.

These are some of the complaints from different women that I got in 2013. Some overlap:
*he cheated
*we haven't spoken to/seen each other in months
*he doesn't have a steady job
*he wants me to spend my money on everything
*he knows that I am unemployed and still in school but still he expects me to pay for xyz
*we don't go out, he takes me for granted
*he doesn't wish me happy birthday etc. and doesn't buy me gift for any occasion.

etc.

But this year it's, "we're engaged to be married".

Now I do not mean unavoidable things like being laid off, death in the family etc. I mean character flaws.

My question is, is it unrealistic to expect a smooth sailing courtship before marriage? I honestly do and I've unapologetically left men if they didn't meet my expectations because I believe that I deserve a great courtship. Is this realistic?

the reasons you state above is exactly why I had trouble relaying to anyone how flucked up my relationship was before we both got it together. it takes two - always.

None of the above reasons were applicable, but after nine whole years of off and on dealing with each other [i realized there were "breaks" thanks to this new vernacular, as before I never thought of it like that...but anyway...] we got married. we just celebrated the fifth year. sometimes, Honestly, each one of us still gets a "i need to leave you" moment, because we are both ____?_____ I can't think of a word for it.

We def. "went through it" and as I tell him, I would NEVER advise a couple to go through what we went through and stay together. NEVER EVER EVER!!!! but for us, it works.

Not to say we are better or "chosen" but it just works for us.

 

[mscurly]

Ugh. Why would ladies who have themselves together in terms of their education and careers settle in the relationship department? (This is strictly a rhetorical question...unfortunately. )

I've learned in life that doesn't mean anything. Book smarts and relationship/ people smarts are two different things. When people emotions get all caught up it doesnt matter how successful or smart you are.

I know alot of successful woman who can't keep a man or having all types of relationship drama

 

[LiftedUp]

Ugh. Why would ladies who have themselves together in terms of their education and careers settle in the relationship department? (This is strictly a rhetorical question...unfortunately. )

Or why would men who are similarly or better qualified act like this?

 

[LiftedUp]

Also people change so I assume that these men grew up and they and their fiancées are here ><

However, I never reached to that point. The minute I saw a character flaw that was a deal breaker, I was out of there.

 

[cre8]

Yes my relationship went through trying times before marriage but none of that stuff in the OP. Those are not relationship issues, those are deal breakers.

 

[MizAvalon]

I've learned in life that doesn't mean anything. Book smarts and relationship/ people smarts are two different things. When people emotions get all caught up it doesnt matter how successful or smart you are.

I know alot of successful woman who can't keep a man or having all types of relationship drama

Agreed. Some of the most successful women I know continue to fail in the love department.

These women are well into their 30's and 40's, have advanced degrees, are homeowners, are presidents of companies but still can't figure out why some man won't call them back after a second date.