Did you ever 'lose yourself' in a relationship?

zzirvingj

zzirvingj

New Member
Have you ever come out of a relationship feeling like you 'lost yourself' while in it?

Meaning...being in the relationship and being that person's SO became such a priority that perhaps you neglected things you like to do, friendships, activities, etc.? And you didn't notice til you were out of the relationship because you felt a sense of loss or lack of happiness...as if the relationship was what made you the 'most' happy...so now you're like, "Now what? What makes me happy again?"
 
zzirvingj said:
Have you ever come out of a relationship feeling like you 'lost yourself' while in it?

Meaning...being in the relationship and being that person's SO became such a priority that perhaps you neglected things you like to do, friendships, activities, etc.? And you didn't notice til you were out of the relationship because you felt a sense of loss or lack of happiness...as if the relationship was what made you the 'most' happy...so now you're like, "Now what? What makes me happy again?"
Click to expand...

When i was MUCH younger. Now when in a relationship, i still hang out with my friends and do things I did while I was single. If the man has a problem with that, we can't be together. I noticed that the men that encourage women to focus on them and the relationship are controlling.

This works out because after the relationship ends, life still goes on....
 
Not me, but I was broken up with, over NOT losing myself. I guess he was use to women begin at his beck and call. Ninja please, I got a life.

This fool actually called me last week and had the nerve to ask me was I over myself. I said nope and hung up. WTF is wrong with folks? I had a good laugh about it.
 
So for those that have experienced this, what did you do to get through it/make sure it never happened again?

WHY do you think it even ever happened in the first place?

And for those that haven't experienced this, what do you think has prevented you from going through such a thing?
 
ThickHair said:
Not me, but I was broken up with, over NOT losing myself. I guess he was use to women begin at his beck and call. Ninja please, I got a life.

This fool actually called me last week and had the nerve to ask me was I over myself. I said nope and hung up. WTF is wrong with folks? I had a good laugh about it.
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Was he controlling? What did he expect of you? To not hang out with your friends? Was he a jealous person?
 
zzirvingj said:
Was he controlling? What did he expect of you? To not hang out with your friends? Was he a jealous person?
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Yes to all of the above. This was my ex. He did not want me to have life outside of him.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier
 
zzirvingj said:
Was he controlling? What did he expect of you? To not hang out with your friends? Was he a jealous person?
Click to expand...
I believe yes to all of the above. We were never bf\gf, we were still in the getting to know you stage when he wanted to be my world and didn't want me to concern myself with anything but him.

He found someone to marry him, which is why I don't understand why he called me. I guess that was giving me a last chance or for him to get the satisfaction of rejecting me finally. Crazy is as crazy does.
 
I think it happened bc I allowed it to happen. It was right after college, wasn't happy with my career, didn't have any friends, wasn't happy with my location, and just wasn't happy with my life in general. Instead of putting 100% effort into getting the life I wanted, it was easier to just hinge onto another person. The relationship was the center of my life and all I had going on at the time. I eventually got very depressed and miserable trying to be someone outside of myself to please him and hold on to the relationship.

Plus he was a bit controlling, but not in an obvious way, in a more manipulative, passive aggressive way.

What am I doing to make sure it doesn't happen again? I got a better job, in a new location, and structured my life, schedule, career, and finances in a way that allows me to explore things that interests me and meet people. I stay busy, have my own life, and work on being spiritually grounded. So if a guy decides he wants to act up or leave, I won't feel like my whole world ended, bc I have a life outside of him.

Also, I don't apologize for or lose sight of who I am. If I meet a dude now, I don't try to be someone else to appease them. If he doesn't like it oh well, on to the next.
 
Yes. I neglected school work, friends and family. I was so happy to have finally found someone that I thought it was really me and him against the world, he didn't see it that way at all. It taught me a lot and bit by bit I'm recovering from it.
 
mine was controlling and kind of manipulative he got upset if i went to hang with my own family members or friends and made me feel guilty and i allowed that.theres do many examples but after it all ended then i thought something was wrong with me....but i realize now that i was a good catch and his insecurity made him treat me a certain way because he was afraid of losing me
 
sweetvi said:
mine was controlling and kind of manipulative he got upset if i went to hang with my own family members or friends and made me feel guilty and i allowed that.theres do many examples but after it all ended then i thought something was wrong with me....but i realize now that i was a good catch and his insecurity made him treat me a certain way because he was afraid of losing me
Click to expand...

This is my story. My ex made me feel horrible for going out for my birthday. He said he couldnt trust me anymore, so eventually we broke up. He wants us to get back together but now that I have had so much distance, I know that he wants to control me. The break up was part of his little game.

I didn't even realize how wrapped up in him I had become, until we broke up. I was devastated..... Thank God, its over though. I still love him, but I know I deserve better.

I never want to feel like that in a relationship. He set so many boundaries on me, I started to act out like a child that has really strict parents. It also made me depressed. That's what helps me in dating now. I need someone to give me the space to be myself, if anyone makes me feel pressure or overwhelmed then I know that person is not for me.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier
 
No. But only because I saw it happen to my mother and since the consequences of it directly affected me, it made quite an impression. So I was very, very careful that it never happened to me. I was probably hypervigilant about it. But it was that serious for me.
 
I have, but I was in a long term relationship, thought I was in love when I realized I couldn't even be my true self around him b/c he was so critical of everything. He soon realized I acted differently when I was around other people which caused even more of a disconnect. Long story short, I will never compromise that much of myself for anybody.
 
Sure did, in my first adult relationship. For 5 years I invested all of my time and energy into him. Neglected my friends, family, even my job. When we broke up I felt really alone because I didn't really have anyone to talk to because I let those relationships fall by the wayside. Can't really call someone up for a shoulder to cry on when you haven't spoken to them in months or years. It took a long time for me to build those relationships back up. Some of them never went back to the way they were before and some I just lost completely. :(

After that relationship I swore that I would never lose myself like that again and I never have. My current SO wants to spend all of our free time together and I put the kibosh on that right away once I saw what he was trying to do. I spend good quality time with him on a regular basis but I make time for my friends and family too.
 
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Yes, I did. I was in a long relationship and he slowly but surely alienated me from my family and friends. He would accuse me of cheating just because I would spend the whole day with my girlfriend at the mall. Eventually I just didn't go to the mall with my girlfriends anymore because I didn't want to hear it. I didn't talk to my girlfriends on the phone when he was around because I didn't want him questioning what we were talking about. Sure enough, after my relationship ended I was blessed to have forgiving girlfriends to accept me back. I sure enough wasn't a good friend to stop hanging with them just because I was in a relationship.

I also stopped dressing the way I wanted to with him. He was so controlling and insecure. Never again!!

Oh yeah, the accusing of cheating was because HE was cheating. That's always the first clue when they accuse you of it.
 
MizAvalon said:
Sure did, in my first adult relationship. For 5 years I invested all of my time and energy into him. Neglected my friends, family, even my job. When we broke up I felt really alone because I didn't really have anyone to talk to because I let those relationships fall by the wayside. Can't really call someone up for a shoulder to cry on when you haven't spoken to them in months or years. It took a long time for me to build those relationships back up. Some of them never went back to the way they were before and some I just lost completely. :(

After that relationship I swore that I would never lose myself like that again and I never have. My current SO wants to spend all of our free time together and I put the kibosh on that right away once I saw what he was trying to do. I spend good quality time with him on a regular basis but I make time for my friends and family too.
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Wow, same story here. I was in a relationship for over 5 years, and I COMPLETELY lost myself in it. I lost my friends (regained a few back), put off school, jobs, you name it. It's been over a year and a half since the break up, and I am still learning and discovering who I really am on a deeper spiritual level. I think I'm falling in love....:yep:
 
Yes, but I was already lost. We're still together and it's been almost 4 years... I don't leave him because I realize I did this to myself. I'm just praying the relationship survives while I figure out what I need to do to get my head right. He's on board with that and is trying to be understanding in a "I told you so" kinda way, lol.

Any suggestions?
 
Do_Si_Dos said:
This is my story. My ex made me feel horrible for going out for my birthday. He said he couldnt trust me anymore, so eventually we broke up. He wants us to get back together but now that I have had so much distance, I know that he wants to control me. The break up was part of his little game.

I didn't even realize how wrapped up in him I had become, until we broke up. I was devastated..... Thank God, its over though. I still love him, but I know I deserve better.

I never want to feel like that in a relationship. He set so many boundaries on me, I started to act out like a child that has really strict parents. It also made me depressed. That's what helps me in dating now. I need someone to give me the space to be myself, if anyone makes me feel pressure or overwhelmed then I know that person is not for me.

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier
Click to expand...

Do_Si_Dos you and i must have dated the same man he broke up with me at least three times to sort of train me. after the last time i could not take it anymore i refuse to go back because i deserve better and my way of gaining back control!!
 
Cichelle said:
No. But only because I saw it happen to my mother and since the consequences of it directly affected me, it made quite an impression. So I was very, very careful that it never happened to me. I was probably hypervigilant about it. But it was that serious for me.
Click to expand...

Cichelle do u mind sharing how it affected you
 
I think it's easier to lose yourself in a relationship when you don't really know yourself...if that makes any sense.

I've done it before...I stopped doing the things I was interested in, lost contact with friends, and when I started to notice a change in my personality that's when I knew I had lost myself. I would be sad and resentful all of the time.

I'm in process of rediscovering myself....and I love it :grin:
 
Please forgive me if I'm highjacking the thread but ladies, how are you finding yourself? I agree with the above, I don't think I knew myself as well as I thought I did...sad but true. I'm happy and I have nothing to complain about...I just need to get a life, figure out what makes me happy outside of work, school, and my boyfriend.
 
keish33 said:
Please forgive me if I'm highjacking the thread but ladies, how are you finding yourself? I agree with the above, I don't think I knew myself as well as I thought I did...sad but true. I'm happy and I have nothing to complain about...I just need to get a life, figure out what makes me happy outside of work, school, and my boyfriend.
Click to expand...


...well for me "finding myself" is getting to know myself again. I've taken up hobbies and started working out again. I've also started to volunteer every few weeks. The things that I wanted to do, but never got a chance to. Just enjoy yourself...kind of like dating yourself. You'll start to begin learning things about you that you never knew.
 
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