Dating with a kid!

[Kkinds]

I was having a conversation with my friend and she brought up how some women introduce every man they date to their kids...that's a no no! She also said another friend of hers (who doesn't have kids) think you shouldn't let a man meet your child until y'all are engaged. That's a bit extreme.

Well, I have a daughter and my SO and I have been dating 6 months and I want to introduce them(my DD is usually with her dad when we hangout). I've already met and spent time with his son and the relationship is getting very serious. We planned a date for all of us to get together to go to an arts and craft cafe, bouncy house, lunch then the zoo. I don't want her to see him at home because I think that's too personal. I want to see how the dynamics of our(me, him, my kid and his kid) relationship would work before we keep dating. I'm going to introduce them to her as "Mr. *blank* and his son *blank* like I do all my girl friends and their kids. If it doesn't out then she won't remember them or just remember us hanging out with friends like usual.

Do you believe that women should wait until they are engaged? I don't think you can have a successful relationship with someone who your kids dislike or dislikes your kids. How did you introduce your kid and SO to each other?

 

[Kindheart]

My child is part of the package ,how can man get engaged to a woman without knowing what he s getting into ? Once the relationship turns serious He needs to get to know the child and spend time with both the woman and the child to have a feel of how it would be to be a family.

 

[nlamr2013]

Every man would know but no every man would not be in my child's face

 

[kaykari]

Its a tough decision. First of all, I would try not to ask childless people. They can give a good, logical opinion....but its not like they have life experience to back it up. Do you have any single mother friends who successfully introduced their children and have healthy relationships?

As a single (and extremely gorgeous, wonderful, and sexy) mother myself, I know how tough it is. I finally decided a man wont meet by kid before he has met my family. If Im not comfortable bringing him under the scrutiny of my daddy and grandma, I have no business letting him around my kid.

 

[futurelonglocks]

Its a tough decision. First of all, I would try not to ask childless people. They can give a good, logical opinion....but its not like they have life experience to back it up. Do you have any single mother friends who successfully introduced their children and have healthy relationships? As a single (and extremely gorgeous, wonderful, and sexy) mother myself, I know how tough it is. I finally decided a man wont meet by kid before he has met my family. If Im not comfortable bringing him under the scrutiny of my daddy and grandma, I have no business letting him around my kid.

Agreed. My fiancé met my family first and then he met my kid- this was before we got engaged. I wouldn't dare make a huge decision such as engagement without my kid being aware/involved.

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[ladysaraii]

Its a tough decision. First of all, I would try not to ask childless people. They can give a good, logical opinion....but its not like they have life experience to back it up. Do you have any single mother friends who successfully introduced their children and have healthy relationships?

As a single (and extremely gorgeous, wonderful, and sexy) mother myself, I know how tough it is. I finally decided a man wont meet by kid before he has met my family. If Im not comfortable bringing him under the scrutiny of my daddy and grandma, I have no business letting him around my kid.

As a childless woman, I disagree with this. We may not have a kid to consider, but our opinions matter....particularly if we're dating or being dated by people with children.

So my opinion, I do not believe in having kids meet people willy nilly. They don't need a parade for people in their lives. Having said that, I do think it's important once the relationship is exclusive/serious. I would not be able to progress to the point of engagement without having gotten to know the kid and witnessed the dynamics there. People love to say that people with kids are a package deal. If that's the case, I should get a chance to know that package before hand.

 

[FlowerHair]

My friend waited a year before her husband met her children. By then they already had plans to buy a home together. She wanted to make sure he was serious.

 

[kaykari]

As a childless woman, I disagree with this. We may not have a kid to consider, but our opinions matter....particularly if we're dating or being dated by people with children.

So my opinion, I do not believe in having kids meet people willy nilly. They don't need a parade for people in their lives. Having said that, I do think it's important once the relationship is exclusive/serious. I would not be able to progress to the point of engagement without having gotten to know the kid and witnessed the dynamics there. People love to say that people with kids are a package deal. If that's the case, I should get a chance to know that package before hand.

you know, this is a good point OP. You could get insight from a childles woman dating a man with children.

Before I had my son, I dated a man with a kid, and I felt like I couldnt make any serious decisions before I met the kid, hung out, ect. Like, I didnt even want to commit to being this man's girlfriend without meeting his kid. Lol, after him I was like nope, never again.

However, if a man felt the same way about me now that Im a mom, I would dismiss him. I dont agree that one should wait until engagement to meet the kids. That seems silly. I still stick with letting the family meet the guy before setting up playdates. If yall arent serious enough to take him home to Momma and Auntie Bougie n nem, yall arent serious enough to have him around your precious child

eta, remember OP, while youre trying to see the dynamics, which will take more than one playdate, the children are building relationships with new people, and they may be hurt if the relationship ends

 

[Country gal]

I think your plan sounds good. It's not realistic to wait until your engaged. I think it is not a good idea for every man you date to meet your kid.

 

[Fine 4s]

I've always wondered what folks mean when they say this.
What type of introductions are we talking about. Can't the child meet the "friend" who's picking us up to go eat ice cream or whatever? Or is my child not meeting my other male friends?

 

[Enyo]

I've always wondered what folks mean when they say this. What type of introductions are we talking about. Can't the child meet the "friend" who's picking us up to go eat ice cream or whatever? Or is my child not meeting my other male friends?

I posted a thread about this a few months ago. I talked about was how this man brought his kid on our dates. The whole "friend" thing does not work in some instances. Dude told his son I was a "friend", but it was so clear that he was lying. The kid knew we were on a date and that we were physically attracted to each other. If your chemistry with your partner looks the exact same way as it does with your friends, then something is off. Children are very smart and can often pick up on things adults assume they cannot see.

I really liked the guy, and wanted to continue to see him. But bringing his child on our first was really stupid of him. In fact, I told him as much. I understood that he is a single dad and that his ex wife and both their families live 5000 miles away. But he has lived in Hawaii long enough for his son to have friends. It wouldn't be that hard for him to ask a neighbor to watch his son for two hours while we had dinner.

I totally agree with everyone who says it's not appropriate to bring your significant other or casual dates around your child unless it's very serious. It doesn't look good to the child to see his mother or dad have different "friends" knowing damn well that there is something romantic going on.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Engagement is a bit too far along. DH's son never met any of his girlfriends. I'm the only woman he's seen with his dad beyond his mom. Once it was serious and we were talking marriage, I met his son. We went to Chuck E Cheese.

 

[DarkJoy]

I don't wait until engagement. What if they don't get along and its a disaster and you have to split? That could mean up to a year or more worth of heartache and wasted time. Its better for me when it gets serious and to do it immediately. I can gauge their interaction and his potential parenting skills. And drop him if necessary before I hace even more emotional investment

However time spent initially isn't about bonding in my world. Its all brief and cordial and very infrequent. Like 2 - 3 hours a month. Doesnt really matter if its out in public or at home. I keep it really surface.

Also I think going out and the guy buying the kids stuff sends a certain message to the kids depending on how its done. You might not want that message until after engagement.

Bonding would come after engagement if everything works well til then.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I don't believe in introducing my kids to any man I'm dating unless it's already a serious relationship. Even then, introductions/time spent will only happen after significant time has been invested in the relationship.

I'm not looking for a new dad or a fill in dad (their father shares custody 50/50 & is fully involved) so we are good in the dad dept. Just need a companion for mama

Even the most well adjusted child goes through a variety of emotions dealing with their parent becoming romantically involved with someone new and I don't want to put them through that unnecessarily.

 

[ThickHair]

My mother was widowed when I was very young (elementary school). I had no idea that she dated until I went to college. Apparently she dated the whole time and I was none the wiser. I thanked my mother for not bringing men around us.

I guess nothing really to add since my mother didn't remarry. She said one was enough.

 

[MizAvalon]

I don't believe in letting kids meet random people that you date but waiting until engagement? How can a parent get engaged without knowing how their child feels about/interacts with this person?

Like, "Suzy, you've never met this man before but we are getting married and he's going to be your new Dad." Um, WHAT? erplexed

 

[TayMac]

I think it's important to see how they interact before engagement. If my kid doesn't vibe with you at all, it's not going to work.

There are a lot of choice that fall between introducing all your dates to your kid and waiting until you get a ring.

 

[sky_blu]

We moved very quickly so it was a few months (which was quick for me) before my child met my SO. The first and only guy she has ever met and Im planning on this being the last. It was very briefly with my sister around and she didn't see him again for months after. Im so happy they interact and get along very well..hell better than us most times LOL.

I wouldn't wait until engagement bc I cant marry someone my kid doesn't like or I didn't know how they acted around my child but I wouldn't let any man met my child without knowing it was serious.