Dating someone of different race for the first time

[frostydoll]

So I know that a lot of ladies on the board are in interracial relationships and marriages and I need a little push in the right direction I guess. I've never been on a date with anyone of another race but I'm considering it now, actually the date has already been set. This is a completely new territory for me and I'm really nervous. To make life even more nerve wrecking we met on myspace so it'll be my first time going on a date with someone off line that I'm interested in as more than a friend. I've met guys and some of my girl friends online but I was never really interested in dating the guys it was more of a friendship thing. I'm not against interracial relationships at all but it's always something that I never thought would happen to me since I tend to be attracted to tall, chocolate or darker men. We've been talking on myspace and AIM for about two months now and I'm definitely interested. He's the first guy to send me a really respectful message on myspace and I could tell he actually read my profile before he sent it. He's the kind of guy I want to go out with in terms of qualities only he's white (I know that sounds really stupid but I'm being honest). I've been talking to my friends about it and they think it's hilarious because I'm definitely one of those Black Power type of girls even though I'm really prissy. No one would expect me to actually be interested in a white guy as more than just a friend.

So ladies how did you handle being apprehensive about dating someone from a different race the first time? What was the experience like?

ETA: I am not trying to offend anyone by writing this so please don't take the post the wrong way and please don't leave angry responses. I want this thread to stay as clean as possible.

 

[Bunny77]

So ladies how did you handle being apprehensive about dating someone from a different race the first time? What was the experience like?

Well, I was stunned at the actual dude who asked me out... I thought he'd be some "cool" white dude like I was used to in Detroit (you know what I'm talking about), but it was this super-country dude from West Virginia and I was like, "Say wha????"

But we had been friends and got along well anyway, so I went out with him like I would anyone else instead of thinking, "ooh, I'm out with a WHITE GUY... ooh."

And we had a great time! It was so much fun... and after a while, I forgot he was white! Just like I don't think about a brotha being black when I go out with him, it was the same way for country dude.

Just cause you prefer (and still will prefer) tall dark chocolate men doesn't mean that you can't be attracted to others outside of that. People date and marry folks that aren't their preference all the time... that's why I tell people that just because they prefer something doesn't mean they have to be opposed to going outside of that if they want.

Have fun, don't take it too seriously and just enjoy the company!

 

[KiniKakes]

This is a good post, UMBlessed. I would hope you wouldnt get attacked for it.

I wish I had personal experience/advice to offer, but i dont. Looking forward to the responses.

 

[Summer_Rain]

oooo...so when are ya'll going out?

 

[frostydoll]

Well, I was stunned at the actual dude who asked me out... I thought he'd be some "cool" white dude like I was used to in Detroit (you know what I'm talking about), but it was this super-country dude from West Virginia and I was like, "Say wha????"

But we had been friends and got along well anyway, so I went out with him like I would anyone else instead of thinking, "ooh, I'm out with a WHITE GUY... ooh."

And we had a great time! It was so much fun... and after a while, I forgot he was white! Just like I don't think about a brotha being black when I go out with him, it was the same way for country dude.

Just cause you prefer (and still will prefer) tall dark chocolate men doesn't mean that you can't be attracted to others outside of that. People date and marry folks that aren't their preference all the time... that's why I tell people that just because they prefer something doesn't mean they have to be opposed to going outside of that if they want.

Have fun, don't take it too seriously and just enjoy the company!

LOL I totally know what you're talking about and I'm hoping he falls into that category. He's from Rhode Island but one of his best friends down here is a Black DJ.

Thanks for the advice and it's all very true.

 

[Ayeshia]

if you really like him you will completely forget that he's white at the end of the date or well before that.... unless you are so hung up over the issue. My current guy Im dating...I honestly forget that he's white and it doesnt occur to me anymore unless we get the obvious stares or if someone brings it up.

 

[Energist]

Umblessed, I almost don't know how to respond to this question, because I've been dating outside of my race for as long as I can remember... First kiss at age 10 with a Latin boy long ago... So I'm just going to talk about how I feel.

1. The first thing is being yourself! Try and not feel like you have to act differently to appeal to him. He is already attracted to you because of you! He can already see that you're a Black woman and is most likely interested in Black culture or getting to know Black culture... or maybe he just saw pretty and interesting girl (regardless of color) that he wants to get to know! Keep that in mind

2. Secondly, forget about other people and what they may think. People are always going to look, and most times it's out of curiosity, so try and not be self conscious when this happens. If they are staring intensely, you can turn to them and smile. I've done that a lot and at times it sparks conversation, but they saw that I didn't let their staring intefere with my happiness, and people respect that! Try to stay in your personal bubble when you're out with him though. It takes work, when people are all up in your business, but you can do it until it just becomes second nature.

3. Thirdly, he's a human being. Don't focus on his Whiteness or whatever race he is, and don't remind him of it. Out of uncomfortability or joking I've seen couples remind each other of what their race is like for eg. (well you're a White boy so I bet you wouldn't this or that or "you Latin guys this or that") My husband and I never focus on race and we have so many similarities between us that we at times feel like we're just one person. Just try and focus on who that person is on the inside and what type of character he has, as well as how you feel about him. It will show through and you will feel more comfortable!

Oh goodness, I don't know if what I've typed has helped, but I hope it has atleast a little. Let us know how the date goes!

 

[frostydoll]

Thank you Energist that does help a lot. I think the fact that I'm in the south right now makes me even more apprehensive about things.

 

[Bunny77]

Thank you Energist that does help a lot. I think the fact that I'm in the south right now makes me even more apprehensive about things.

I'd say the vast majority of white men who asked me out were either from the South or they were northern guys living in the South. When I lived in Florida, I shouldn't shake off the white dudes and I know of two black female friends in Florida now getting married to southern white men.

The South done changed!

 

[frostydoll]

I'd say the vast majority of white men who asked me out were either from the South or they were northern guys living in the South. When I lived in Florida, I shouldn't shake off the white dudes and I know of two black female friends in Florida now getting married to southern white men.

The South done changed!

Okay I'll stop being so nervous and just go for it.

 

[asubeauty]

I don't have any advice to offer, but I really look forward to hearing about how your date goes.

I've said that I was going to be more open-minded about dating, because I figure that if you go for the same type of guy, you'll more than likely end up getting the same things...

 

[Energist]

The South done changed!

lol, I'd say it has, because I live in conservative Oklahoma right now and surprisingly receive more love here than I ever did in NY. In NY I'd have problems with Black Israelites and West Indian men being vocal as well as threatening.

 

[frostydoll]

I don't have any advice to offer, but I really look forward to hearing about how your date goes.

I've said that I was going to be more open-minded about dating, because I figure that if you go for the same type of guy, you'll more than likely end up getting the same things...

That's very true and he definitely is bringing something new and fresh to to the table. I'm telling you when I read his first message my mouth just dropped open like wow someone who actually reads and doesn't say "hey mami can i tap that" or something else ridiculous.

 

[angie10]

Well, I was stunned at the actual dude who asked me out... I thought he'd be some "cool" white dude like I was used to in Detroit (you know what I'm talking about), but it was this super-country dude from West Virginia and I was like, "Say wha????"

But we had been friends and got along well anyway, so I went out with him like I would anyone else instead of thinking, "ooh, I'm out with a WHITE GUY... ooh."

And we had a great time! It was so much fun... and after a while, I forgot he was white! Just like I don't think about a brotha being black when I go out with him, it was the same way for country dude.

Just cause you prefer (and still will prefer) tall dark chocolate men doesn't mean that you can't be attracted to others outside of that. People date and marry folks that aren't their preference all the time... that's why I tell people that just because they prefer something doesn't mean they have to be opposed to going outside of that if they want.

Have fun, don't take it too seriously and just enjoy the company!

I have nothing to add, but I thought the bolded was really funny

 

[frostydoll]

Thanks Ladies! I know I'm being silly but it's a real concern. I definitely like him though he's been on my mind all day today and I look forward to talking to him all the time.

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks Ladies! I know I'm being silly but it's a real concern. I definitely like him though he's been on my mind all day today and I look forward to talking to him all the time.

Nothing wrong with being concerned! The thing is, if you two go out, have a good date and you start spending more time with him, you'll begin to wonder what you were so worried about! (And you'll start wondering what the big deal is about interracial dating anyway... at least that's how I felt!)

 

[love2alicia]

It is strange but it gets better, I didnt meet my boyfriend off myspace but it was on the internet and it was nerve wracking going to meet him but he is a lovely man and we now live together (we met in oct 2006). Ive been around a lot of White guys and had some mutual attraction before but never official relationship.

The silly thing was when we were first first together with bare arms it was strange to see our skin side by side and stuff like that (I have other friend who noticed that). Still its both our first time, if this guy has gone out with Black girls before it should be less scary hypothetically.

 

[Demi27]

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to offer either but I would like to know how the date goes.

Good luck !

 

[camellia]

Go out and have a good time. Race will only be an issue if you make it one.

 

[frostydoll]

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to offer either but I would like to know how the date goes.

Good luck !

We're not going out until next week when Ocean's 13 comes out between his work schedule and my schedule at the moment it was the first time we could compromise on for a date date. I don't know if I want to wait that long so I'm hoping that he might be able to meet up with me on Wednesday before I go out of town so I'm not extra anxious about it forever lol.

 

[naijamerican]

Go out and have a good time. Race will only be an issue if you make it one.

I totally agree! I have been on dates with both Black and White men and have found the same to be true. Also, I was just talking to my brother, whose girlfriend is White, about the very same issue. It's something that he feels conflicted about and even went so far as to tell her that he's dating her in spite of her being White. He's not the kind of person to like women based on race, but on the internal qualities, and as I've grown older I find myself becoming the same way. Just have a great time and focus on becoming great friends and - who knows? - lovers; sure, you might encounter some hateration from ignorant people, but hopefully the bond you form will overcome those obstacles. Have fun!!!!

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I've had several boyfriends who were non-black. I always thought my husband would be white but my relationshup with my black SO is going great so I guess it wasn't meant to be! IMO, there's not a real difference in dating someone of a different race for the first time. I do notice that most non-black guys have extremely good conversation so you won't have to sit there wondering about what to say. Just be yourself and you will be fine!!

 

[frostydoll]

Now yall have me trying to figure out how to move the date up. I'm going from nervous to excited.

 

[SW2011]

Ok, so I've been with my boyfriend (he's white) for 2 1/2 years. How I dealt with being apprehensive about dating him was basically by being honest. I figure if I can't be honest with a dude, then he's not the one for me. So, I said it in a joking way, but I was like, "Um...so you know I've never dated a white boy before, and you'll probably give my parents a heart attack, right?" And that was it. We were able to talk about race from the start. He had never dated a black girl before, but it wasn't an issue for him. I was the one trippin, thinkin, "Hmmm...how would I ever bring this blonde-haired, green eyed boy home to meet my folks one day?"

I'm in Georgia like you, and our first date was at Piedmont Park. I was nervous, but it was just first-date jitters rather than the fact that he was white. We basically just walked around the park for hours, and talked about family, and the future, and all of that other stuff. We were there until the stars came out, and he was pointing out constellations to me....awww, the memories, it was so cute. Anyway, you'll get the stares...believe me, but it's not a big deal. I got stares from dudes even when I was with my ex (and he's black). But in 2 1/2 years, we've never had any negativity from anyone. And even with the stares...people are just curious. Shoot, I stare at other interracial couples my dang self.

So...good luck!

 

[frostydoll]

Ok, so I've been with my boyfriend (he's white) for 2 1/2 years. How I dealt with being apprehensive about dating him was basically by being honest. I figure if I can't be honest with a dude, then he's not the one for me. So, I said it in a joking way, but I was like, "Um...so you know I've never dated a white boy before, and you'll probably give my parents a heart attack, right?" And that was it. We were able to talk about race from the start. He had never dated a black girl before, but it wasn't an issue for him. I was the one trippin, thinkin, "Hmmm...how would I ever bring this blonde-haired, green eyed boy home to meet my folks one day?"

I'm in Georgia like you, and our first date was at Piedmont Park. I was nervous, but it was just first-date jitters rather than the fact that he was white. We basically just walked around the park for hours, and talked about family, and the future, and all of that other stuff. We were there until the stars came out, and he was pointing out constellations to me....awww, the memories, it was so cute. Anyway, you'll get the stares...believe me, but it's not a big deal. I got stares from dudes even when I was with my ex (and he's black). But in 2 1/2 years, we've never had any negativity from anyone. And even with the stares...people are just curious. Shoot, I stare at other interracial couples my dang self.

So...good luck!

Awww... that first date sounds so beautiful. I was just at Piedmont Park for the Jazz Festival and I kept saying I wanted to come back for a nice picnic and just relax.

 

[Esmé]

My husband and I have been together for a total of nine years (started dating at 15 and 16) and it's never once been an issue. We even met on the internet, so I was nervous about meeting him, though it wasn't because he was white. What do I wear? Where do we go to eat? Those kinds of things and that was the extent of it.

The only time we've ever been made aware of stares is when a third party pointed it out to us. We are not trying to keep a tally of rubber-neckers when we go out, so we never notice.

In nine years, I can count on one hand the times where I have noticed and this isn't because I'm oblivious. It's because the person was loud and rude. Honestly, the worst thing that happened was some guy who was trying to talk to me (I just kept going) and when he realized that I wasn't interested, he said "oh, she's with whitey." I'm serious.

Anyway, all of this is to say that if you don't make it an issue (which I don't see why it would be) then it's the same as dating any other man. Just go out and have a nice time! I hope you have fun!

 

[frostydoll]

My husband and I have been together for a total of nine years (started dating at 15 and 16) and it's never once been an issue. We even met on the internet, so I was nervous about meeting him, though it wasn't because he was white. What do I wear? Where do we go to eat? Those kinds of things and that was the extent of it.

The only time we've ever been made aware of stares is when a third party pointed it out to us. We are not trying to keep a tally of rubber-neckers when we go out, so we never notice.

In nine years, I can count on one hand the times where I have noticed and this isn't because I'm oblivious. It's because the person was loud and rude. Honestly, the worst thing that happened was some guy who was trying to talk to me (I just kept going) and when he realized that I wasn't interested, he said "oh, she's with whitey." I'm serious.

Anyway, all of this is to say that if you don't make it an issue (which I don't see why it would be) then it's the same as dating any other man. Just go out and have a nice time! I hope you have fun!

Yeah I have those first date jitters as well but I guess I was focusing more on the race thing than anything else. Thanks for telling your story and helping me realize how silly I'm being.

 

[frostydoll]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all yall responses I just wanted to let yall know that we met yesterday and things went well. I'm not sure if I'm interested in him romantically but I'm definitely interested in him as a friend.

 

[Bunny77]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all yall responses I just wanted to let yall know that we met yesterday and things went well. I'm not sure if I'm interested in him romantically but I'm definitely interested in him as a friend.

Great! Nice to know that you had a good time.

Whether or not a connection is made, it's always nice to have a good date!!!! Those can be hard to come by these days!

 

[HoneyDew]

if you really like him you will completely forget that he's white at the end of the date or well before that.... unless you are so hung up over the issue. My current guy Im dating...I honestly forget that he's white and it doesnt occur to me anymore unless we get the obvious stares or if someone brings it up.

well said. If you like him, you won't even think about it.

I remember the 1st white guy I ever dated and how nervous it made me. I was embarrased to introduce him to my family. But you really don't think about color if you really like him.