Dating - How to Do It

[Glib Gurl]

So, things are going well with Dutch Chocolate . . . we are not exclusive or anything, but we are "dating." So I'm wondering - how do I go about this whole thing? Do I wait for him to initiate all of our outings (i.e., he's always the one asking ME out)? Is it too soon to invite him over for dinner and a movie (or just maybe a movie and snacks)? I am totally clueless on how long I let him "woo" me . . . when do I "woo" back?

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Gilb, I know you have seen the Rules thread... This has been touched on in so many ways, and greatly helpful... May I suggest you go look at those...

 

[Bunny77]

So, things are going well with Dutch Chocolate . . . we are not exclusive or anything, but we are "dating." So I'm wondering - how do I go about this whole thing? Do I wait for him to initiate all of our outings (i.e., he's always the one asking ME out)? Is it too soon to invite him over for dinner and a movie (or just maybe a movie and snacks)? I am totally clueless on how long I let him "woo" me . . . when do I "woo" back?

1. Regardless of who does the initiating, in my mind, going to someone's house to watch a movie or eat dinner is NOT a date. It is fine for people in relationships to do this -- when you reach the point in your relationship in which you are exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend -- then spending time at home is cool. But notice even when married couples (like the Obamas) talk about having date nights, they are NOT talking about popping a DVD into the machine or having dinner at home. They are talking about going OUT.

As far as I'm concerned, I might invite a man in for a bit after he's taken me out on a date, but until he's my boyfriend, we are NOT getting together for a stay-at-home "date."

Now, as you know, I'm pro-courtship, so my dating advice is very purpose-driven. If people want to chill at home all the time, that's fine for them, but I feel that is a privilege given to someone who has already proven that he is looking for more than just someone cool to go out with here and there and that he is pursuing me for a long-term relationship that leads to marriage. Therefore, I turn down all suggestions from men that involve coming over for dinner and a movie and never dare invite a man over for such... plus, one needs to think of safety considerations too. You don't know this man like that.

2. I don't "woo" back. In the courtship process, that's his job, and my role is to be receptive and encouraging. Until we're officially in a relationship, I'm a free agent, and he needs to keep coming at me to get me off the market. Now, at the end of a date, I often say, "That was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting me to do blah blah blah. Let's do it again sometime." Then I sit back and if he doesn't ask me out again, I move on.

For me, I expect him to keep wooing until we are exclusive. Women don't "woo."

The men who are interested don't need me to ask them out or do a thing. They keep suggesting and planning future dates and I keep accepting. Shoot, the good ones ask you that same night... or very soon after.

If you have to start thinking too much about suggesting the next date, you need to fall back.

 

[YankeeCandle]

For me, it is important to see this person in a variety of ways so I can determine his true character. CHARACTER is of utmost importance to me, more than any other facet of one's personality.

Now, as to your question: for the first few months, I would leave it up to him to ask for the MEETING, and then, if he doesn't have a specific type of outing in mind, you can always offer a few suggestions as to locale, venue, etc.

By leaving it up to him, I mean that I do not need to be the one saying "Hey, I have tickets for X. Wanna go?" or "How about we have dinner next week?" If it were me (it HAS been me, actually), I would say/have said WARMLY: "that was so much fun! Thanks for a wonderful evening." And then, as Bunny 77 suggests, fall silent, but always keeping a warm/pleasant countenance. Now is his cue...

(FYI: The reason I would leave it to him to suggest meeting up again is not due to him having been born male, but due to the fact that I think it is always better to be in the position of "the wanted" than in the position of "the wanter." Because I'm on your side more than his--sorry, Dutchie-- I advise you to become the "wanted." )


So, after he says "can I see you again?" he might (hopefully!) follow that up with "what should we do/where should we go/what would you like to do?"

I would then offer suggestions that provide a diverse array of opportunities to learn more about his character. By the end of 1-2 months, I would have wanted to have participated in:

1. dates where the situation has the potential to be frustrating, so you see how he reacts in such situations (e.g. a ball game with super-long lines; a date that requires a drive in bad traffic, etc).

2. a date that involves him and you talking for several hours (e.g. walk on the beach, coffee shop, etc)

3. a date that involves other people--strangers (e.g. a community volunteer project, cooking class, or something else where you meet new people)

4. a date that involves other people---people he already knows

5. a date that involves other people---people YOU know (when you feel ready)

etc, etc.

I would want to know more about his character as soon as possible into it than I would about his favorite movies, etc, because if I find his character is not to my liking, why waste more time with him up front?

 

[JustKiya]

Wow, YC - that was a lovely post!

Oddly enough, I have nothing to add. I've never dated in the 'traditional' way, and I've done more date no-no's than anybody I know. I've always very much 'gone with the flow' and 'done what felt fun' while dating. I am definitely taking notes - to teach my daughters, ya know?

 

[YankeeCandle]

^^^^ JustKiya, I have not gone on dates with a large number (quantity) of men. But, I have dated very strategically in the way I indicated above. This resulted in me weeding out every man I've ever dated (save for the SO) before we hit the two month mark. There was simply no point in continuing seeing them after I learned what I set out to about them.

Only one man got the "call back" audition for more than 2 months. That was the man I am privileged to have known and loved (and be loved by) for years.

OT: I wonder how many men are as strategic in their dating. For instance,my SO asked me to be exclusive 2 months after meeting me, and the first time he asked me to marry him was only a few months after that. That's a much shorter time frame than I'd ever feel comfortable suggesting! On the other hand, we were each at different life stages (I'm a fair bit younger than him). I do believe it's very individual.

 

[Bunny77]

Wow, YC - that was a lovely post!

Oddly enough, I have nothing to add. I've never dated in the 'traditional' way, and I've done more date no-no's than anybody I know. I've always very much 'gone with the flow' and 'done what felt fun' while dating. I am definitely taking notes - to teach my daughters, ya know?

I think going with the flow and doing what feels fun works when you're not stressing about it and don't care about the outcome. Like I mentioned in that other thread, this works for some women... or it works at a certain point in your life (say, early 20s), but might not work as much when you have different goals later on.

It's good though to at least make sure your future daughters are hip to the game, so to speak... especially seeing how many women end up "going with the flow" unwittingly... they don't even know a flow is taking place or how to date any particular way (traditionally/non-traditionally/whatever).

So it's good to at least be aware of what you're doing and why!

 

[JustKiya]

^^^^ JustKiya, I have not gone on dates with a large number (quantity) of men. But, I have dated very strategically in the way I indicated above. This resulted in me weeding out every man I've ever dated (save for the SO) before we hit the two month mark. There was simply no point in continuing seeing them after I learned what I set out to about them.

Only one man got the "call back" audition for more than 2 months. That was the man I am privileged to have known and loved (and be loved by) for years.

OT: I wonder how many men are as strategic in their dating. For instance,my SO asked me to be exclusive 2 months after meeting me, and the first time he asked me to marry him was only a few months after that. That's a much shorter time frame than I'd ever feel comfortable suggesting! On the other hand, we were each at different life stages (I'm a fair bit younger than him). I do believe it's very individual.

Oh, that's a perfect way to put it - there was NO strategy in my dating. At all. I was lucky with DH - very lucky. We met when I was 23 and he was 25. And his timeline was similar to yours too - but he asked me to be exclusive about 3 weeks after meeting me. I made him wait two months. *sigh*

I don't think men are as strategic - they encounter someone they really like, and they go for it.

 

[**SaSSy**]

Gilb, I know you have seen the Rules thread... This has been touched on in so many ways, and greatly helpful... May I suggest you go look at those...

ITA, I just started reading the WMLB and it's so true if you follow at least 75% of the book.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Interesting that so many of you had your SO's ask you to be exclusive so early on . . . I wonder what that conversation will be like . . . *dream*

 

[Bunny77]

Interesting that so many of you had your SO's ask you to be exclusive so early on . . . I wonder what that conversation will be like . . . *dream*

When a man knows what he wants, he KNOWS. And he acts... even if you tell him to chill for a minute, he won't go away easily.

A determined man is a force to be reckoned with! (Sometimes NOT in a good way. )

 

[VelvetRain]

1. Regardless of who does the initiating, in my mind, going to someone's house to watch a movie or eat dinner is NOT a date. It is fine for people in relationships to do this -- when you reach the point in your relationship in which you are exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend -- then spending time at home is cool. But notice even when married couples (like the Obamas) talk about having date nights, they are NOT talking about popping a DVD into the machine or having dinner at home. They are talking about going OUT.

As far as I'm concerned, I might invite a man in for a bit after he's taken me out on a date, but until he's my boyfriend, we are NOT getting together for a stay-at-home "date."

Now, as you know, I'm pro-courtship, so my dating advice is very purpose-driven. If people want to chill at home all the time, that's fine for them, but I feel that is a privilege given to someone who has already proven that he is looking for more than just someone cool to go out with here and there and that he is pursuing me for a long-term relationship that leads to marriage. Therefore, I turn down all suggestions from men that involve coming over for dinner and a movie and never dare invite a man over for such... plus, one needs to think of safety considerations too. You don't know this man like that.

2. I don't "woo" back. In the courtship process, that's his job, and my role is to be receptive and encouraging. Until we're officially in a relationship, I'm a free agent, and he needs to keep coming at me to get me off the market. Now, at the end of a date, I often say, "That was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting me to do blah blah blah. Let's do it again sometime." Then I sit back and if he doesn't ask me out again, I move on.

For me, I expect him to keep wooing until we are exclusive. Women don't "woo."

The men who are interested don't need me to ask them out or do a thing. They keep suggesting and planning future dates and I keep accepting. Shoot, the good ones ask you that same night... or very soon after.

If you have to start thinking too much about suggesting the next date, you need to fall back.

As usual excellent advice all around. Still on waiting on you to write a book Ms. lady.

 

[ThickHair]

Recently the "How to's" to dating have become tainted, thanks to all of the reality shows. When Flava Flav and Bret Michaels claimed they were "Taking the ladies on a date" where did they end up for the date? In his bed, on the patio, etc. Some folks actually believe that is what a date consists of. Now they did leave the house at some point in time to go on a real date, but geez.

It also isn't just for younger folks. I am back in dating mode and I have X'd plenty of dudes off my dating list, who claim that we could go on a date in my dining room so they can cook for me. This is coming from men 40+. I politely decline and KIM.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I always love that the women chime in...