Dating/chilling out/getting to know someone with out going on an actual date?

RocStar

RocStar

Well-Known Member
I am in my 30's and am trying to understand how the dating game has changed so much. I am in a relationship, not married, but I feel like the standards and rules have changed (and not for the better).

I have so many questions, but I will only tackle one at a time. Here is my first question:

If a guy approaches you, and you exchange phone numbers, how long before the first date?

It seems like there are a lot of women who try to build a "friendship" or take things slow (usually the guys idea) and it may be 3 months before their first date, but they have been "talking" the entire time. I think that if the guy is interested in you, THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM thing he should do is to take you out and get to know you, in person. Not at your place or his, but a public place that you will both enjoy. You know...dating/courting.

Of course there is not any one right time frame, but I think after 2 weeks or so, if mr man has not asked me out yet, I am on to the next.

Any opinions?
 
For me, sometimes it's the day after (usually not more than a week). Guys generally do not try to wait to take me out on a date. So, in that sense, there is little communication pre-date.
Now I'm not sure that that's what I want... Communication is what gets me interested, and by going on date 1 so quickly (and the subsequent dates soon after), we don't get to know each other that well... I don't know, the activities would sometimes become the focus. And I have a hard time getting invested... Communication means a lot to me, and if we are not talking too much (even if we are seeing each other often), I just have a hard time feeling excited and connecting with the person. Weird. I would actually prefer to talk more before date 1. That way I can decide whether I even REALLY want to go on that date.
 
I'm only 22 but people around my age and younger don't even know what dating/courting actually is. Everybody has a different interpretation for "talking" lol. The man's is always different from the woman's and it always causes conflict. When a guy approaches me I let him know up front what I'm looking for and if he's not on the same page I move along. For me personally the speed at which he wants to take me out shows his level of interest. Case and point I met a guy Thursday morning. He wanted me to accompany him somewhere that night, but I had to work so I declined. He took me out for lunch Friday afternoon. He wanted to take me somewhere Saturday and Sunday but I had other plans already. This was the first time I've really experienced something like this so it earned him some points in my book.
 
24-48 hrs he should be calling.

I remember I got so fed up with dating that I actually told a guy that my number will expire in 24-48 hrs as I gave it to him. Don't say that to him but I was just fed up and took it out on him.

And don't stay on the phone gettin' to know him better any longer than about 15 mins. It's cute to stay on the phone until 2am when you are 20. But he should be asking when can yall meetup within 15 mins of the conversation. Otherwise, get off the phone.
 
CarLiTa said:
For me, sometimes it's the day after (usually not more than a week). Guys generally do not try to wait to take me out on a date. So, in that sense, there is little communication pre-date.
Now I'm not sure that that's what I want... Communication is what gets me interested, and by going on date 1 so quickly (and the subsequent dates soon after), we don't get to know each other that well... I don't know, the activities would sometimes become the focus. And I have a hard time getting invested... Communication means a lot to me, and if we are not talking too much (even if we are seeing each other often), I just have a hard time feeling excited and connecting with the person. Weird. I would actually prefer to talk more before date 1. That way I can decide whether I even REALLY want to go on that date.
Click to expand...

^^this sums up how i feel. i like to know the guy a little bit before the date, but if that doesn't happen i try to go on a date where we'll be able to talk to each other without a bunch of distractions... in public lol
 
If they have been calling and communicating I like to go on a date sooner rather than later.
 
I must be extra slow on the uptake or from a different era altogether.

I expect to go out on a date shortly after meeting. Dates are how I get to know you. Dates take place in public, not at my home or yours.

I actually had many proper dates in my life, probably my entire dating history except the past 3 months. Now there are guys who supposedly ( according to mutual friends) have massive crushes on me, but do not actually plan dates, or will only do group activities, and act very platonically ( by platonic i mean a text message such as " hey are you out right now" at 1am on the weekend, and then asking if i will still be at xyz bar so we can " hang out". Ninja, NO. I am going home! And that behavior is only okay for a long time friend not someone who is supposedly courting)

This is fine behavior in general, but its a little disappointing when I am used to being taken out on a proper date when there seems to be mutual interest. I think part of what spoils it for me is being told these individuals have expressed interest--if it were more of a mystery I would not find the "friends" scenarios as disappointing, but still even in highschool if a boy was interested, and we were in a friend setting, there were more attempts to spend time alone together, in public, on teenage style dates.

I've been feeling pretty confused the past few months. :nono:

I am turning 30 in a few weeks.
 
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CarLiTa said:
For me, sometimes it's the day after (usually not more than a week). Guys generally do not try to wait to take me out on a date. So, in that sense, there is little communication pre-date.
Now I'm not sure that that's what I want... Communication is what gets me interested, and by going on date 1 so quickly (and the subsequent dates soon after), we don't get to know each other that well... I don't know, the activities would sometimes become the focus. And I have a hard time getting invested... Communication means a lot to me, and if we are not talking too much (even if we are seeing each other often), I just have a hard time feeling excited and connecting with the person. Weird. I would actually prefer to talk more before date 1. That way I can decide whether I even REALLY want to go on that date.
Click to expand...

This is exactly why I do not like dates that take the focus off of getting to know one another. Bad early dates include activities like movies, concerts, plays or any activity which cuts down my conversation time. Dates like that are for later on.
 
Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far.

I think we do spend too much time on the wish washers/flip floppers. If you want to go out with me then ask me out. If you can't even do that, I am sorry but no more time can be spent on you. There has to come a point when you think, if I have to question if you like me or not, the answer may be no.
 
I don't think adults should still be having this sort of problem. I haven't dealt with that in a long time... Like college. Even though it sometimes takes awhile for me and a guy to go out on a first date (like 1-2 wks), usually I'm the one that's the hold up for various reasons.

I don't really spend too much time going back and forth with ppl before a first date... I don't really like talking on the phone like that, and so at that stage, it's pretty much text to meet up. Usually first dates for me are drinks/dinner/lunch, stuff like that. If I like I guy, I'll start texting him more frequently during the day, and suggesting that we do cheaper things like ice cream or chillin at the crib. But that's cuz a lot of the guys I date are students like me, and I feel bad for them lol.

But nope, I don't really have that problem and I'm 24 so I dont think its a generational thing really... I take it as a lack of genuine interest on their part. I don't want to entertain that sort of thing, so I keeps it moving.
 
Even dinner dates aren't that great. That's how most of my first dates happen. The bulk of the time together is spent at a restaurant. I think I prefer non-dinner dates, where the meal is short and quick, and we can spend the bulk of the time talking.
I just hate feeling pressured in the dating process. I'm not talking about physically/sexually. I mean feeling that I have to be "reciprocatory" (I made that up) with someone I feel no excitement for. Like, I have to engage him in conversation bc he's been a gentleman and has taken me out a few times, when in reality most times I don't really feel like talking to them. I feel that I have to play the part in this "we're dating" process, simply because they are initiating... And I don't really feel anything in return. In fact, if they talked to me more (even if that meant cutting back a bit on the frequent dates) I might start WANTING to reciprocate.
 
I think im the only one that likes to talk/text/email for months before going on a date. I like to take my time. I find that the guys that want to rush and go on a date have one thing on their mind. The patient ones want to know more about me. You can also weed out the ones with no potential because you learn about them and dont need to waste your time dating them.
 
Theo said:
I don't think adults should still be having this sort of problem. I haven't dealt with that in a long time... Like college. Even though it sometimes takes awhile for me and a guy to go out on a first date (like 1-2 wks), usually I'm the one that's the hold up for various reasons.

I don't really spend too much time going back and forth with ppl before a first date... I don't really like talking on the phone like that, and so at that stage, it's pretty much text to meet up. Usually first dates for me are drinks/dinner/lunch, stuff like that. If I like I guy, I'll start texting him more frequently during the day, and suggesting that we do cheaper things like ice cream or chillin at the crib. But that's cuz a lot of the guys I date are students like me, and I feel bad for them lol.

But nope, I don't really have that problem and I'm 24 so I dont think its a generational thing really... I take it as a lack of genuine interest on their part. I don't want to entertain that sort of thing, so I keeps it moving.
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This is exactly why the past few months have left me confused. I don't think its generational either, since the bulk of my life I have gone on a proper date. ( ETA: having a hard time thinkng of an exception, I think it may be I have ALWAYS gone on a proper date, but that's not necessarily true.....still thinking)

Broke or not, I consider ice cream and a walk a date as long as he asks, comes to get me and pays. I don't *need* to be showered with fancy or costly activities (not to be confused with thinking i dont deserve them), because all that pomp and circumstance does not guarantee he will be a good man/ boyfriend/whatever-- just that he knows how to spend on a date:grin:. The only thing I don't do is chillin' at the crib, the only exception was in college when I lived in dorms because there it was an acceptable hangout place.

The confusion comes from them or other people telling me that whatever guy is dragging his butt on dates is SO into me....:look::nono: All I'm getting is the " not that into me" vibe.

I literally had this ninja tell me to call him. In my head I was like WTF but on the outside i was like I was like "you can call me too" *smile flirt sexy eye bat eyelashes giggle* and I get " no no, you call me, and we'll hang out"

WTF is that?

I feel like I moved into the dating twilightzone.
 
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UrbainChic said:
Broke or not, I consider ice cream and a walk a date as long as he asks, comes to get me and pays. I don't *need* to be showered with fancy or costly activities (not to be confused with thinking i dont deserve them), because all that pomp and circumstance does not guarantee he will be a good man/ boyfriend/whatever-- just that he knows how to spend on a date:grin:.
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That is what I am saying. I am not talking about these expensive, glamorous dates (although they are nice :yep:), but just like you said, he asks, he pays, he plans (with your subtle suggestions).
 
shockolate said:
I think im the only one that likes to talk/text/email for months before going on a date. I like to take my time. I find that the guys that want to rush and go on a date have one thing on their mind. The patient ones want to know more about me. You can also weed out the ones with no potential because you learn about them and dont need to waste your time dating them.
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I see what you are saying. I just think if we are gonna talk for a couple of months, can I at least get a meal? Joking (kind of). :look:
 
CarLiTa said:
Even dinner dates aren't that great. That's how most of my first dates happen. The bulk of the time together is spent at a restaurant. I think I prefer non-dinner dates, where the meal is short and quick, and we can spend the bulk of the time talking.
I just hate feeling pressured in the dating process. I'm not talking about physically/sexually. I mean feeling that I have to be "reciprocatory" (I made that up) with someone I feel no excitement for. Like, I have to engage him in conversation bc he's been a gentleman and has taken me out a few times, when in reality most times I don't really feel like talking to them. I feel that I have to play the part in this "we're dating" process, simply because they are initiating... And I don't really feel anything in return. In fact, if they talked to me more (even if that meant cutting back a bit on the frequent dates) I might start WANTING to reciprocate.
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Oh... Hmm... Well, even it we're in a restaurant I haven't found it anymore difficult to talk over dinner than in any other setting. I don't really put much emphasis on them buying me dinner though, so I don't feel obligated to do anything I don't want to. Its just a way for me to screen out lukewarm interest...

But it sounds like you're just not into these ppl lol. It's shouldn't be that much work to maintain a conversation lol
 
RocStar said:
I see what you are saying. I just think if we are gonna talk for a couple of months, can I at least get a meal? Joking (kind of). :look:
Click to expand...

I agree. I cannot fathom myself seriously considering someone who for several weeks ( i dont know if I could even get to months) has not offered to see me face to face for a simple activity. I would assume he's not interested and trail off. I need face to face interaction. Where is he? Why can't we see each other in all that time? Is he with his wife or something? Not a serious contender in my book.
 
UrbainChic yeah that dude sounds familiar. I've just taken the approach that if I'm confused, he's just not that interested and I need to not waste my time.

Cuz that whole exchange sounds familiar. I've never seen it go anywhere meaningful when it starts off that way, so I just decided to just drop guys like that. If they want to talk to me, thy have my number so they can find me. And for guys like that, it usually ends up that if I don't call them, they don't call me either, so I guess we're just lukewarm abt each other :lol:
 
Yeah, I think I am going to keep my own " not that into me" radar as my primary judgement. Part of me thinks the mutual friends are trying to play matchmaker and playing up the lukewarm interest like its raging firey passion. :rolleyes:
 
I don't like dinner dates for first dates either because I hate feeling like I'm stuck if I don't think I like him like that. I prefer a quick "coffee" date to see if he's even worth pursuing on longer dates. I'm also not into talking into hours of the night to random dudes. I need my beauty sleep. :look: I never got girls who do this. I'm always like, so is he going to take you out or just keep talking to you on the phone afterhours?
 
shockolate said:
I think im the only one that likes to talk/text/email for months before going on a date. I like to take my time. I find that the guys that want to rush and go on a date have one thing on their mind. The patient ones want to know more about me. You can also weed out the ones with no potential because you learn about them and dont need to waste your time dating them.
Click to expand...

You're not. I'm the same way. My interest builds slowly and always happens in a non-romantic setting. I like getting to know people on personal level first, so I can see if I'd even want that guy in my life as a friend, let alone on a romantic level. The guys who've expressed a lot of interest without getting to know me have only wanted one thing.:look::yep:
 
Theo said:
Oh... Hmm... Well, even it we're in a restaurant I haven't found it anymore difficult to talk over dinner than in any other setting. I don't really put much emphasis on them buying me dinner though, so I don't feel obligated to do anything I don't want to. Its just a way for me to screen out lukewarm interest...

But it sounds like you're just not into these ppl lol. It's shouldn't be that much work to maintain a conversation lol
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Oh yeah, that wasn't a response to your post that was above mine:lol: I was just typing with 2 fingers and pressed send after you did.

Maybe it's because I generally like to eat in total silence:lol: I definitely do talk more if I'm not eating. I don't know how many times we are done eating dinner, and the guy is, like, ready to get up and leave the establishment. I'm like no, let's stay and talk more. I'm definitely much chattier once I'm done eating. A dinner date should be followed by another activity, IMO.

Re: the bolded-- :look: I guess that's it...
 
UrbainChic said:
Yeah, I think I am going to keep my own " not that into me" radar as my primary judgement. Part of me thinks the mutual friends are trying to play matchmaker and playing up the lukewarm interest like its raging firey passion. :rolleyes:
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Friends love doing that:rolleyes:
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
You're not. I'm the same way. My interest builds slowly and always happens in a non-romantic setting. I like getting to know people on personal level first, so I can see if I'd even want that guy in my life as a friend, let alone on a romantic level. The guys who've expressed a lot of interest without getting to know me have only wanted one thing.:look::yep:
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I was going to co-sign, and then I thought... hm, not quite. I don't want to wait months... but it would be nice to have a couple of weeks of talking before going on that official date.
I wish somebody would ask me how I prefer to be pursued, first:yep: That would be so refreshing. Should I tell them?
I like going on dates, I do... but the typical dating scheme doesn't keep my interest... mostly because I feel... "trapped." Not sure that's the word, but that's the only one I can think of at the moment.
I just think: the last 2 guys I was excited about, we hung out as friends first, and then we went on a date. That seems to be the better setting for me: no pressure, no canned answers, no trying to impress me/each other, just getting to know each other on a personal level:yep: I like that SO much more.
 
^^
That's why I always wonder about people who date a lot .... I know guys think differently then women, but are most of these guys just asking women out after 5 seconds of conversation or waiting until they get to know them for several days/weeks generally (around other people) ...or on a personal level/one to one level as friends and then asking women out...?
 
Hmm... For me usually there's some level of chemistry/rapport that needs to be reached before I even give my number over to someone, so at the very least we can hang out as friends.

Coffee dates are cool... I've gone out for drinks or hot chocolate as a first date. I prefer drinks... you can't really linger over hot chocolate cuz it gets cold. I like to linger :lol:.
 
i like to go out as soon as possible. the longer i talk to someone via text (i won't answer the phone, i hate the phone) the less interested i become. and i keep the convo very light.

i've gone out with guys i knew almost nothing about and i prefer it that way. it works for me. i find that when i talk to someone for a while before actually going on a date it's very awkward because i already have this impression of what they're like and a lot of the time it's off base.

i don't think there is a right or wrong here.
 
lushcoils said:
^^
That's why I always wonder about people who date a lot .... I know guys think differently then women, but are most of these guys just asking women out after 5 seconds of conversation or waiting until they get to know them for several days/weeks generally (around other people) ...or on a personal level/one to one level as friends and then asking women out...?
Click to expand...

I don't want to say I never will because you never know... but so far I have never accepted a date after "5 seconds of conversation."

When I meet men, before they get my number there is usually a minimum of 1-3 hours of interaction. I am either at an event, a party or at a friends gathering. I usually have a lot of conversation, often times including other people. Then if this guy is interesting, I will give him my number. During the number exchange, if I want it to be platonic, I drop platonic hints all over the place talking about happy to have made a new friend etc. If I am lukewarm to interested, I just exchange info. ( Usually during this exchange the man is saying something about getting dinner or drinks or doing xyz activity together) Most men then continue our conversation 2-3 times again, in some form before asking to take me out.

The cycle of conversation + dates continues. This is what I call the getting to know you process.

Date = one on one, he asks, picks up/he pays/ opens doors etc. Doesn't matter if we are just doing simple low cost things like eating ice cream, bowling, riding bikes, walking through the botanical gardens, WHATEVER. They are dates. This is how you get to know someone. No sexin' required.

A man who does not make any effort to see me face to face, IN PUBLIC or do anything besides talk a lot of game in my ear, is not interested.

Every hear the expression "Women fall in love through their ears?" Millions of men through the ages have duped millions of women with some :blah::blah::blah::blah: Dude can tell me how great he thinks I am on the phone driving on the way to see his wife/girlfriend. I need facetime.
 
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