Dating At 40+

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
So, I've spent the last year REALLY getting to know myself after a devastating break up, and as my big 4-0 approaches, I admit that it would be nice to have a "special someone" with whom to spend time.

The biggest difference I've noticed about myself as I've gotten older is that, I'm more content with where I am in life than I've ever been, so if my epitaph were to read "unwed and unbred", I would be OK with that.

BUT... if someone were to come along that piqued (and HELD) my interest, I wouldn't be upset with that either. After all, battery power only goes so far.

So, I've put some feelers out to see what's out there, and so far it seems that men my age are either settled down already or don't want women my age, rather opting for younger women.

In addition, the dating pool is ... depressing. Granted, I'm in an interesting situation. I'm an introvert, so "hanging out" is not the most comfortable for me. I would prefer more one-on-one, meaningful interactions. Not to say that I wouldn't go more if the prospects were better. Even the meetups I've tried are "female heavy", or the crowd is young (I don't have the patience for a youngster... been there, done that).

I've tried online dating, but that's a whole different thread. I don't attend church regularly, nor do I want a "church boy". Finally, my workforce is about 90% female....

Again, I'm not desperate, but it appears that the dating pool has dried up even more for a mature black female. What say you?
 
Have you tried Meetups? Like those geared for 30s-40s? I'm introverted as well but find Meetups as a way to force myself out of my comfort zone and meet men. I have been to ones in the DMV and try to go to the ones that are happy hours because that forces you talk to someone. It's impressive how when I go, once I step foot inside, folks start talking to me immediately with little effort by me :lachen: which is a good thing cuz I have no problems not speaking to folks.

And that is how I met my current BF.

ETA: I'm in my late 30s BTW.
 
It's tough out there. I was talking to a friend of mine and he was saying it will be tough for the women who want to get married because around this age group is the time that men get divorced.

They are enjoying a second chance at freedom dating younger women and are not in a hurry to commit. They are also not interested in having any more kids.
 
I think there are challenges at every decade: 20's, 30's, 40's and on up. The challenges are just different ones. All you need is just 1 quality man. I would say the odds are greatly in your favor. I mean that sincerely.

okange76 said:
It's tough out there. I was talking to a friend of mine and he was saying it will be tough for the women who want to get married because around this age group is the time that men get divorced.

They are enjoying a second chance at freedom dating younger women and are not in a hurry to commit. They are also not interested in having any more kids.
Click to expand...

And...they get recycled back into the dating pool! Some of those men will have baggage and some will come out knowing who they are, and become better men. And you will get the benefit of some other woman's hard work and training!

As has been stated, you got to get out and around lots of men and leverage those females around you. They have fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins and male friends!

Get and keep that physical body of yours tight and on point!

Continue to cultivate your own joy as you are doing and live and love your life...And...you never know who might be just around the corner. 'Fortunes' can turn and change in an instant. They often do. Why not to you and in a wonderful way!
 
deediamante said:
Have you tried Meetups? Like those geared for 30s-40s? I'm introverted as well but find Meetups as a way to force myself out of my comfort zone and meet men. I have been to ones in the DMV and try to go to the ones that are happy hours because that forces you talk to someone. It's impressive how when I go, once I step foot inside, folks start talking to me immediately with little effort by me :lachen: which is a good thing cuz I have no problems not speaking to folks.

And that is how I met my current BF.

ETA: I'm in my late 30s BTW.
Click to expand...
I tried meetups and it was 90% WOMEN... not may target audience.
 
okange76 said:
It's tough out there. I was talking to a friend of mine and he was saying it will be tough for the women who want to get married because around this age group is the time that men get divorced.

They are enjoying a second chance at freedom dating younger women and are not in a hurry to commit. They are also not interested in having any more kids.
Click to expand...
Strangely enough, I would be OK with not getting married, and I don't want children. Believe it or not, some men find that to be a NEGATIVE... like what's wrong with you?
 
Chicoro said:
I think there are challenges at every decade: 20's, 30's, 40's and on up. The challenges are just different ones. All you need is just 1 quality man. I would say the odds are greatly in your favor. I mean that sincerely.



And...they get recycled back into the dating pool! Some of those men will have baggage and some will come out knowing who they are, and become better men. And you will get the benefit of some other woman's hard work and training!

As has been stated, you got to get out and around lots of men and leverage those females around you. They have fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins and male friends!

Get and keep that physical body of yours tight and on point!

Continue to cultivate your own joy as you are doing and live and love your life...And...you never know who might be just around the corner. 'Fortunes' can turn and change in an instant. They often do. Why not to you and in a wonderful way!
Click to expand...
Thank you for this. I'm in the gym four days a week, so I'm ready!!

In the meantime, I will just keep doing what I'm doing. I'm getting tired of Netflix though
 
@TinyBlu I feel you as for I am in the exact same boat. I am in my early 40's. I am in a few co-ed Meetup group but the men rarely come out to events. I need to find events and outings that have a heavy male attendance.

I need to also up workout regimen. I know I can do better in that department too.

What other things can we do along with keep doing what we are doing, keeping our bodies tight and keeping ourselves up?

Anyone going out or doing research for places to meet men or things to do to put us in their paths?
 
TinyBlu said:
Thank you for this. I'm in the gym four days a week, so I'm ready!!

In the meantime, I will just keep doing what I'm doing. I'm getting tired of Netflix though
Click to expand...

Good! That's why you have to get out of the house! Be gone Netflix!


Think about activities that you don't like- and do those. Men like sporting events: football games, soccer games etc. Maybe go to bars and watch while you are eating some chicken wings. You are not going there to GET a man, you are going to condition yourself to being around men in a social setting. How do you catch a bird? You go to its habitat and observe its ways! Same thing with men. From there, you may get a better idea of where the men are, the type you are looking to find. Men like open air concerts, too.

Your current comfort zone is full of women. So, you've may need to leave it and take some risks and find places with men. You can do it!
 
I would like to direct all of my 40+ friends to the nearest steakhouse. Please go sit at the bar alone and eat.
Sounds depressing if you think of it that way but if you go they will come. Matter of fact any restaurant.
Go sit at the bar alone. Looking nice and being friendly.

Thank me later

Also start telling yourself daily:
I attract eligible bachelors. They are happy, they are out there they are looking for me today I will meet one or two.

Places I met nice men Ruth Chris, Cheesecake Factory matter of fact i need to call to hook him up with my sister or my friend,
Grand Lux Cafe, Oceanaire, Del Friscos, McCormick & Schmicks

if you can take the smoke head to a cigar bar, take golf lessons, or go to a top golf :yep:
 
What do y'all do when you are eating at the bar alone? Is there a no phone policy? Curious
 
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greight said:
What do y'all do when you are eating at the bar alone? Is there a no phone policy? Curious
Click to expand...

Phones are horrible. youR phone says i'm busy don't disturb me i'm occupied.

Put the phone away. Sit there watch the tv, talk to your neighbor, talk to the bartender
slowly eat and enjoy the meal. See it, smell it, actually taste it.

Here is how I almost always break the ice:

Excuse me is this seat taken

Yes I saved it for you then smile.

Mind you you are not even interested in this person but you are getting used to being alone & being friendly in a public place
Always say b4 you go out that you are going to meet nice people. Male or female. They can put you in touch with the one you never know.

Don't be a doom and gloom girl be happy and excited about being single, having experiences and finding someone who you will share
future experiences with.

GO TO THE GYM TOO THERE ARE NO BLACK WOMEN IN THE GYMS until you go to a zumba class :driver:
 
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Thanks for this thread. This is one area of life which has not come easy to me. After a break up I'm back out there.

When through a dry period after death of a family member and injury but I've got my head on straight now.

I've met a couple of men in the last few weeks out and about. Actually, one was at you guessed it. The steakhouse bar. I enjoy eating out and will chat with the bartender for entertainment. Second, the deli beer section. Third, a coffee shop (that one surprised me because I go to coffee shops a lot). The last was the gas station.

Oh and I chatted with a guy at the farmers market.

I also reached out to my male friends who are in organizations and husbands of girlfriends to be on the lookout for elegiable guys in their circle.

There are things that I should do like go to conferences that I just don't. I could be more proactive so it may be all me IDK.

I have two close girlfriends in their forties- one who recently married and one who is moving in with her boyfriend. One of those met her guy at - you guessed it. The restaurant bar.......

The last four interactions ( three I was wearing something form fitting; three I had my hair out in some fashion, once I was in a dress) Nothing wrong with a little analyzation.

Hopefully this can be an encouraging thread to share.
 
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Chicoro said:
I think there are challenges at every decade: 20's, 30's, 40's and on up. The challenges are just different ones. All you need is just 1 quality man. I would say the odds are greatly in your favor. I mean that sincerely.



And...they get recycled back into the dating pool! Some of those men will have baggage and some will come out knowing who they are, and become better men. And you will get the benefit of some other woman's hard work and training!

As has been stated, you got to get out and around lots of men and leverage those females around you. They have fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins and male friends!

Get and keep that physical body of yours tight and on point!

Continue to cultivate your own joy as you are doing and live and love your life...And...you never know who might be just around the corner. 'Fortunes' can turn and change in an instant. They often do. Why not to you and in a wonderful way!
Click to expand...


That was wonderful and thank you. God always knows how to cheer me up. I'm in my mid 30's so that was an awesome post. I just got back into fitness after seeing how crappy I've been eating and trying to be more social
 
Chicoro said:
Good! That's why you have to get out of the house! Be gone Netflix!


Think about activities that you don't like- and do those. Men like sporting events: football games, soccer games etc. Maybe go to bars and watch while you are eating some chicken wings. You are not going there to GET a man, you are going to condition yourself to being around men in a social setting. How do you catch a bird? You go to its habitat and observe its ways! Same thing with men. From there, you may get a better idea of where the men are, the type you are looking to find. Men like open air concerts, too.

Your current comfort zone is full of women. So, you've may need to leave it and take some risks and find places with men. You can do it!
Click to expand...

You did it again!Lol. I told myself that I need to visit those sporting events..
 
A lot of these tips apply to younger women too. Dating for Black women in the 30+ range is not that much easier. If it were, a lot more Black women would be married by 40.

Going out is not the "answer" by itself. I know women who think because they cross a threshold, they should be meeting more men and they are not. For good reason: they do not position themselves (literally!) to meet men.

I agree with the bar comment. I think it is fine to go with at most one friend. ONE! Take along a friend who is lively! Not one who looks down at her phone constantly or who complains and sucks the energy from a room. NO! Make sure you and your friend get along well and even share humerous stories. People like to see people who are enjoying themselves and having a good time. Men are more likely to approach you if you seem fun to be around. Every time I go out with a single friend and we stay cracking each other up, we attract attention naturally to us. Plus people (esp bartenders) will overhear your conversation and try to add to it. From giving advice on future trips to sharing about visits to your hometown, people will jump into a conversation! Plus if you go with a friend, you will have a good time whether you meet someone or not. Too many women go out alone, feel uncomfortable, leave and then complain that they didn't meet anyone worth talking to. A (good) friend will enhance your experience if you are out and about. Plus, men will see a side of you that they want to see: your interactive side. Many of us act differently alone than when we are with people/pets. That's natural. That is why women with pets and kids meet a good deal of men in public. Men see a side they want to see again; they will be that "friend" on the receiving end of your interaction next time.

I tell my friends all the time to create space around them even if they are out with friends. Have an empty seat beside you (put your bag or coat in the chair beside you to "reserve" it for as long as possible). Sit by the END of the bar. Make sure you sit at the end of the bar, not squeezed in the middle of it, especially if the bar is lively and packed. By sitting at the end, you have space for someone to stand and talk to you without the person feeling odd. Take one step back (literally) during happy hour huddles to still engage the group while creating space for someone to step to you.

Also stop buying groceries on the weekends! Men grocery shop Monday to Thursday to free up their weekend. Walk around the grocery store and linger in the wine/beer section. Men are not in the makeup aisle. Make sure you look good and are not hungry either when grocery shopping after work.


Just some thoughts.
 
Came across this today. It is so true. A man will size you up to see how he can fit into your life and add to it. A GOOD MAN looking for love will do that. A bum will size you up looking for help. It is up to YOU to know the difference.



(Don't look at the messenger. Listen to the message. :look:)
 
TinyBlu said:
So, I've spent the last year REALLY getting to know myself after a devastating break up, and as my big 4-0 approaches, I admit that it would be nice to have a "special someone" with whom to spend time.

The biggest difference I've noticed about myself as I've gotten older is that, I'm more content with where I am in life than I've ever been, so if my epitaph were to read "unwed and unbred", I would be OK with that.

BUT... if someone were to come along that piqued (and HELD) my interest, I wouldn't be upset with that either. After all, battery power only goes so far.

So, I've put some feelers out to see what's out there, and so far it seems that men my age are either settled down already or don't want women my age, rather opting for younger women.

In addition, the dating pool is ... depressing. Granted, I'm in an interesting situation. I'm an introvert, so "hanging out" is not the most comfortable for me. I would prefer more one-on-one, meaningful interactions. Not to say that I wouldn't go more if the prospects were better. Even the meetups I've tried are "female heavy", or the crowd is young (I don't have the patience for a youngster... been there, done that).

I've tried online dating, but that's a whole different thread. I don't attend church regularly, nor do I want a "church boy". Finally, my workforce is about 90% female....

Again, I'm not desperate, but it appears that the dating pool has dried up even more for a mature black female. What say you?
Click to expand...
I say you have to change your options. There were many like you that found the love of their lives when I worked for a super successful matchmaker.

#1 Guys your age are...yes looking at younger women (mostly).And who cares? #1 Find the ones who aren't.
2) Find guys older than you but who still have it. There are guys who still keep themselves together and are say in their late forties for instance. Why rule them out?
3) Look always for guys who find you a catch.Period. Find guys who adore you.
4) Think about what's out there that is good, not how many are not for you.
5) GO where you are loved. You like one on one places, find places that have the kind of guys you like(But make sure you're the kind of girl they like too. Don't be delusional about this be honest in your assessment).
6)Tell genuine friends and mentors that you are looking so they will recommend people and set you up on dates.
7)Find married women who love to match make (they rock) and just drop a subtle hint. If you don't know any, go places where they are and genuinely befriend them so that they will tell others.

8) Find activities with single people in your age group and higher and keep your mentality. It is perfect

9) Speaking of your mentality a time will come when you can drop some of that (I'm a fan of putting cards on the table in this age group because no one has time to waste. You want to filter immediately) but in a non aggressive way. You are looking for the love of your life only and perfectly content to be by yourself (which is why you are). There is nothing wrong with this outlook. You are also happy and would love to be with the love of your life but again it just has to be the right person. If you can say this jokingly serious and with a twinkle in your eye a guy will find it a challenge (men!) anyways :) poor dears. Men are so typical with things like this. Oh and you have to mean it. I'm not into playing games and most men can see through this (it's a gift of theirs to see through women in these ways).

10) Speaking of filtering. Filtering is a good thing.

11) If you are online no desperation. I am not a fan of games but hey if this is a good way to filter. Let him respond once, if he responds again, then respond (of course that is if he responds in a polite/good way). IF he responds again, then respond and apologize and say you weren't sure if they were a match and that is why you didn't get back but then when he responded again you re looked at his profile and saw he liked X and you appreciate a guy who knows how to approach a woman politely so you wanted to say , "Hi". You love a strong man who knows how to pursue a lady right.
12)0
and/or you weren't sure if you were going to stay online (which I'm sure is true anyways...I know it would be for me) as it was just on a whim anyways so you were reluctant to reach out but as he reached out again, you just wanted to say something because maybe there is a reason for this and you are a spiritual person so what the hey. And besides, you love a guy who knows how to pursue a lady right and get her attention. BTW you may or may not stay on the site, you are deciding in the next few days so apologies if you do not respond after that as you might leave the site. And/or you are going out of town so may not be able to respond for a few days (you are, you are having your weekend and not checking any emails).

I prefer #2 because it is usually true for women and I am all about not playing games. Only say #1 if you believe it or are in a mood and want to on a whim. Or it's true which it could be. Again I'm all about anchoring a relationship in the truth but I'm also about filtering.

Both work to put the scales in your favor and set him on the path of pursuit. If he can't follow the scent, drop him. If you don't like him you don't owe him any favors...drop him. If he too this or that or not enough this or that, drop him. Again. Don't be desperate.

13)
And please have a fun pic of yourself smiling. It's not hard to smile. And have a short but witty opening that intrigues.


14) I'm giving you for free what we gave people for thousands of dollars. (of course there is more to it, I just analyzed your situation). So I hope you use some tid bits. They work. There is much more that you can do but I'd have to write a book. This can get you started.

Happy hunting. I'm in my thirties too, and just found out I'm quite ill but still see my value...I'll let you know when I'm married next year too :WINK: because I've decided to utilize the skills again on myself after this summer (I have to finish healing from surgery so I won't start till August ish) and I'm ready to get married. Invite me to your wedding, I'll send an invite for lhcf Nikos cousin table too :lol: ;). I'm going to put up or shut up too.

Some of the ladies know I was engaged prior but I'm sending out energy to meet the love of my life and I believe I can do it again. It's not hard. AND I must say that I had a similar situation where I had to decide...do I want to deal with this forever (in my case it was his mother)? And also he was and is a good catch so am I crazy to let him go in my thirties (gnaw hand). ANd then I remembered matchmaking and who I was (a woman, a great one at that because we have to know that or else they will eat us alive and we will stay alone, and bitter, and worried about what's wrong with us and on and on)....and so I let him go...fast.

15)
Cultivate a good personality. Talk to people. Joke with people. Be fun. Know your worth now. I will give an example that happened recently at my lowest point (and I'm human so some of my jokes were cranky and sarcastic because I was in the hospital and not in the mood, but again my heart shone through and guys respond to that). So in reference to that...
000000
As for dude now I just had a funny situation where I did not want to be hit on and I had guys asking me out even while sick. It was only funny because my cousin kept pointing out the dudes hitting on me and lamenting. I had to turn it into funny so that I wouldn't get pissed at her, so I decided instead of letting into her for being rude about the guys hitting on me, that it was from a place of insecurity. As so as I realized that, I decided it was best to lighten the situation, so I teased her so she'd lighten up and stop obsessing over it. I love her but I'm not going to feel sorry that men are asking me out. One thing I'm good at is showing a mirror to someone and jokingly seriously making them cut it out and even laugh and get over their ish. She knows I'd help her if she'd just listen.

The situaton: Basically, I had a ticked off relative at the mayo clinic who was like what gives? You had surgery and doctors are asking you out. THAT happened twice in the hospital in my recovery. Plus men kept approaching me when I was in recovery having follow up appointents. My relative (cousin) was like "You're even in a wheel chair (I was weak)." ANd I was like bitter much. Plus most dudes were on the rich side so she was like how are you giving out these vibee? I was like, when you believe you're a catch , men see you this way. She even told people on her cell when I was around just to vent because she wasn't getting any love.

Example of guys: One was a consultant who was supposed to come only twice so I think he thought it appropriate to ask me out,...well I had no idea he was asking me out, I just was very friendly despite being in pain because I try to be optimistic about life. He even asked me about being a documentary producer because he looked me up online and some how we talked about their fish and what was the big deal. Apparently walleye is a huge deal in Rochester Minnosota (I was sent to the Mayo clinic and knew 0 about Rochester before arriving for surgery and also follow ups). He laughed and suggested the best restaurant but said he loved Rainbow better and loved to cook it...he could even do so for me...when I got better :look: that's when I was like, "huh". I was like, that's sweet. He gave me his card and asked me to please call. And if that wasn't enough he checked on me on his day off (and after he was no longer required to) just because he wanted to make sure I was "O.k" and still had his card.

And I didn't call him. Cause guess what. I was too focused on getting well. And I could still call him and I'm sure he would respond because I'd tell him the truth.So le shrug. Plus I have to filter if he's the savior type which is a good and bad thing. I do want a guy who wants me no matter what, but I don't want a guy who always wants to rescue women. So he has to be filtered carefully. Meanwhile..

The point is a good personality goes a long way. Especially in this age group. Women act so jaded in their 30s (rightfully so at times) that it is just off putting at the beginning. And I WAS cranky (in pain), just cranky funny (optimistic). So yes please be yourself but find some joy. Or at least look at the bright side more than not(or find a way to do so, it's a matter of deciding not a matter of personality). This alone will make you stand out over others because of what I mentioned above (see jaded comments and insecure ones. It's just off putting to be insecure and jaded when searching for the love of your life. Best to work on it, and do not highlight it).

I'm typing a lot because it's late at night and my pain levels are pretty low so I'm in a good mood. This huge letter typing isn't usual for me lately so I hope something is helpful in there. Even the part about the guy is there for a reason. You can attract people no matter what, no matter where, and good quality people at that.

15) The more you know your worth and expect, and deserve excellent treatment. The more you will not settle (reasonably come on now), the more guys are challenged to rise to your expectations and you radiate it. It just happens. So cultivate that mindset and you will find more men after you without trying. And I was on prednosone with a big swollen face so that's another reason my cousin was so livid. I think women think you have to "deserve" a guy because you look like X, Y, Z or do X, Y, Z. Nope you have to believe and know you deserve the love of your life and that you are worthy of and can attract men and then you will easily attract them.

Forgive any typos. This is long and well, it's early a.m and I'm not correcting any of this because it took a long time to get through this in the first place :lol: Ah well.

Hope it helps!
 
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luckiestdestiny said:
I say you have to change your options. There were many like you that found the love of their lives when I worked for a super successful matchmaker.

#1 Guys your age are...yes looking at younger women (mostly).And who cares? #1 Find the ones who aren't.
2) Find guys older than you but who still have it. There are guys who still keep themselves together and are say in their late forties for instance. Why rule them out?
3) Look always for guys who find you a catch.Period. Find guys who adore you.
4) Think about what's out there that is good, not how many are not for you.
5) GO where you are loved. You like one on one places, find places that have the kind of guys you like(But make sure you're the kind of girl they like too. Don't be delusional about this be honest in your assessment).
6)Tell genuine friends and mentors that you are looking so they will recommend people and set you up on dates.
7)Find married women who love to match make (they rock) and just drop a subtle hint. If you don't know any, go places where they are and genuinely befriend them so that they will tell others.

8) Find activities with single people in your age group and higher and keep your mentality. It is perfect

9) Speaking of your mentality a time will come when you can drop some of that (I'm a fan of putting cards on the table in this age group because no one has time to waste. You want to filter immediately) but in a non aggressive way. You are looking for the love of your life only and perfectly content to be by yourself (which is why you are). There is nothing wrong with this outlook. You are also happy and would love to be with the love of your life but again it just has to be the right person. If you can say this jokingly serious and with a twinkle in your eye a guy will find it a challenge (men!) anyways :) poor dears. Men are so typical with things like this. Oh and you have to mean it. I'm not into playing games and most men can see through this (it's a gift of theirs to see through women in these ways).

10) Speaking of filtering. Filtering is a good thing.

11) If you are online no desperation. I am not a fan of games but hey if this is a good way to filter. Let him respond once, if he responds again, then respond (of course that is if he responds in a polite/good way). IF he responds again, then respond and apologize and say you weren't sure if they were a match and that is why you didn't get back but then when he responded again you re looked at his profile and saw he liked X and you appreciate a guy who knows how to approach a woman politely so you wanted to say , "Hi". You love a strong man who knows how to pursue a lady right.
12)0
and/or you weren't sure if you were going to stay online (which I'm sure is true anyways...I know it would be for me) as it was just on a whim anyways so you were reluctant to reach out but as he reached out again, you just wanted to say something because maybe there is a reason for this and you are a spiritual person so what the hey. And besides, you love a guy who knows how to pursue a lady right and get her attention. BTW you may or may not stay on the site, you are deciding in the next few days so apologies if you do not respond after that as you might leave the site. And/or you are going out of town so may not be able to respond for a few days (you are, you are having your weekend and not checking any emails).

I prefer #2 because it is usually true for women and I am all about not playing games. Only say #1 if you believe it or are in a mood and want to on a whim. Or it's true which it could be. Again I'm all about anchoring a relationship in the truth but I'm also about filtering.

Both work to put the scales in your favor and set him on the path of pursuit. If he can't follow the scent, drop him. If you don't like him you don't owe him any favors...drop him. If he too this or that or not enough this or that, drop him. Again. Don't be desperate.

13)
And please have a fun pic of yourself smiling. It's not hard to smile. And have a short but witty opening that intrigues.


14) I'm giving you for free what we gave people for thousands of dollars. (of course there is more to it, I just analyzed your situation). So I hope you use some tid bits. They work. There is much more that you can do but I'd have to right a book. This can get you started.

Happy hunting. I'm in my thirties too, and just found out I'm quite ill but still see my value...I'll let you know when I'm married next year too :WINK: because I've decided to utilize the skills again on myself after this summer (I have to finish healing from surgery so I won't start till August ish) and I'm ready to get married. Invite me to your wedding, I'll send an invite for lhcf Nikos cousin table too :lol: ;). I'm going to put up or shut up too.

Some of the ladies know I was engaged prior but I'm sending out energy to meet the love of my life and I believe I can do it again. It's not hard. AND I must say that I had a similar situation where I had to decide...do I want to deal with this forever (in my case it was his mother)? And also he was and is a good catch so am I crazy to let him go in my thirties (gnaw hand). ANd then I remembered matchmaking and who I was (a woman, a great one at that because we have to know that or else they will eat us alive and we will stay alone, and bitter, and worried about what's wrong with us and on and on)....and so I let him go...fast.

15)
Cultivate a good personality. Talk to people. Joke with people. Be fun. Know your worth now. I will give an example that happened recently at my lowest point (and I'm human so some of my jokes were cranky and sarcastic because I was in the hospital and not in the mood, but again my heart shone through and guys respond to that). So in reference to that...
000000
As for dude now I just had a funny situation where I did not want to be hit on and I had guys asking me out even while sick. It was only funny because my cousin kept pointing out the dudes hitting on me and lamenting. I had to turn it into funny so that I wouldn't get pissed at her, so I decided instead of letting into her for being rude about the guys hitting on me, that it was from a place of insecurity. As so as I realized that, I decided it was best to lighten the situation, so I teased her so she'd lighten up and stop obsessing over it. I love her but I'm not going to feel sorry that men are asking me out. One thing I'm good at is showing a mirror to someone and jokingly seriously making them cut it out and even laugh and get over their ish. She knows I'd help her if she'd just listen.

The situaton: Basically, I had a ticked off relative at the mayo clinic who was like what gives? You had surgery and doctors are asking you out. THAT happened twice in the hospital in my recovery. Plus men kept approaching me when I was in recovery having follow up appointents. My relative (cousin) was like "You're even in a wheel chair (I was weak)." ANd I was like bitter much. Plus most dudes were on the rich side so she was like how are you giving out these vibee? I was like, when you believe you're a catch , men see you this way. She even told people on her cell when I was around just to vent because she wasn't getting any love.

Example of guys: One was a consultant who was supposed to come only twice so I think he thought it appropriate to ask me out,...well I had no idea he was asking me out, I just was very friendly despite being in pain because I try to be optimistic about life. He even asked me about being a documentary producer because he looked me up online and some how we talked about their fish and what was the big deal. Apparently walleye is a huge deal in Rochester Minnosota (I was sent to the Mayo clinic and knew 0 about Rochester before arriving for surgery and also follow ups). He laughed and suggested the best restaurant but said he loved Rainbow better and loved to cook it...he could even do so for me...when I got better :look: that's when I was like, "huh". I was like, that's sweet. He gave me his card and asked me to please call. And if that wasn't enough he checked on me on his day off (and after he was no longer required to) just because he wanted to make sure I was "O.k" and still had his card.

And I didn't call him. Cause guess what. I was too focused on getting well. And I could still call him and I'm sure he would respond because I'd tell him the truth.So le shrug. Plus I have to filter if he's the savior type which is a good and bad thing. I do want a guy who wants me no matter what, but I don't want a guy who always wants to rescue women. So he has to be filtered carefully. Meanwhile..

The point is a good personality goes a long way. Especially in this age group. Women act so jaded in their 30s (rightfully so at times) that it is just off putting at the beginning. And I WAS cranky (in pain), just cranky funny (optimistic). So yes please be yourself but find some joy.

I'm typing a lot because it's late at night and my pain levels are pretty low so I'm in a good mood. This huge letter typing isn't usual for me lately so I hope something is helpful in there. Even the part about the guy is there for a reason. You can attract people no matter what, no matter where, and good quality people at that.

15) The more you know your worth and expect, and deserve excellent treatment. The more you will not settle (reasonably come on now), the more guys are challenged to rise to your expectations and you radiate it. It just happens. So cultivate that mindset and you will find more men after you without trying. And I was on prednosone with a big swollen face so that's another reason my cousin was so livid. I think women think you have to "deserve" a guy because you look like X, Y, Z or do X, Y, Z. Nope you have to believe and know you deserve the love of your life and that you are worthy of and can attract men and then you will easily attract them.
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Thank you:-)

I think for ne..I need to get over this doom feeling that it may be too late and I find myself reminiscing about the past lol. I just know it's my energy and I need to get away from this defeated slump and get back to my perky self. I still meet guys but im finding myself overanalyzing and thinking of the negatives, so I tend to just push them away lol
 
sweetvi said:
Thank you:)

I think for ne..I need to get over this doom feeling that it may be too late and I find myself reminiscing about the past lol. I just know it's my energy and I need to get away from this defeated slump and get back to my perky self. I still meet guys but im finding myself overanalyzing and thinking of the negatives, so I tend to just push them away lol
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Yup. Mindset is 80 percent. You need to focus on what is good about yourself, and remind yourself often especially when your mind goes to self pity or to all of these self help gurus such as "think like a man" when we really should be taking control of ourselves so that we won't be taken advantage of by men who are on the look out for desperate women. who needs or wants those guys! What you want to attract and filter, is quality. You want your pick of quality men. They exist. You just need to open up your options.
 
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Holla said:
Going out is not the "answer" by itself. I know women who think because they cross a threshold, they should be meeting more men and they are not. For good reason: they do not position themselves (literally!) to meet men.

I agree with the bar comment. I think it is fine to go with at most one friend. ONE! Take along a friend who is lively! Not one who looks down at her phone constantly or who complains and sucks the energy from a room. NO! Make sure you and your friend get along well and even share humerous stories. People like to see people who are enjoying themselves and having a good time. Men are more likely to approach you if you seem fun to be around. Every time I go out with a single friend and we stay cracking each other up, we attract attention naturally to us. Plus people (esp bartenders) will overhear your conversation and try to add to it. From giving advice on future trips to sharing about visits to your hometown, people will jump into a conversation! Plus if you go with a friend, you will have a good time whether you meet someone or not. Too many women go out alone, feel uncomfortable, leave and then complain that they didn't meet anyone worth talking to. A (good) friend will enhance your experience if you are out and about. Plus, men will see a side of you that they want to see: your interactive side. Many of us act differently alone than when we are with people/pets. That's natural. That is why women with pets and kids meet a good deal of men in public. Men see a side they want to see again; they will be that "friend" on the receiving end of your interaction next time.

I tell my friends all the time to create space around them even if they are out with friends. Have an empty seat beside you (put your bag or coat in the chair beside you to "reserve" it for as long as possible). Sit by the END of the bar. Make sure you sit at the end of the bar, not squeezed in the middle of it, especially if the bar is lively and packed. By sitting at the end, you have space for someone to stand and talk to you without the person feeling odd. Take one step back (literally) during happy hour huddles to still engage the group while creating space for someone to step to you.
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Yes to all of this, especially the bold. Choose a girlfriend and go have a good time regardless of who you may meet. Men are drawn to laughter, good conversation, seeing you positively interact with the bartender and wait staff - trust me they see ALL of this. I happen to be the girlfriend that can go out with my single friends and be a "wing woman". I will make sure their phones are down, we have the best vantage point at the bar, I drop hints and reminders about fidgeting, reapplying lipstick, making eye contact, etc. I'm very comfortable going out alone so when I become the +1 in a situation like this I try to make the most out of it for all involved.

Football season is coming up. Scout out good sports bars in your area and brush up on the game so you will be ready.
 
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