Dating a Married (but Separated) Men

[CofCGrad1997]

Hi,

I've never posted here, so excuse me if I'm intruding! This is a little long, so please bear with me.

I have been spending time lately with a great guy. I'm, ahem, close to 40, and I've known him since I was maybe 12 or so....long time. Though I've known him for years, we lost contact because of relocation, general life changes, etc. We recently found each other again through Facebook (no surprise there, I guess). So far, we have only hung out here and there, (had dinner, nothing physically intimate) and done a lot of texting and talking on the phone. I love talking to him, and he always tells me how talking to me makes him happy.

When I re-established contact with him, I knew he was separated. He has been separated for about two years; he and his wife have two small children. I'm not sure why, but when I met him, I didn't even think about the fact that he was still married. Maybe this is because I live in the South where people sometimes never divorce -- they just stay separated fa eva and eva.

Anyway, I really like this guy -- he's so supportive and encouraging and kind -- but lately I've been thinking about his wife. I don't know her, but I wonder how she feels. Though he says he doesn't love her or want to be with her anymore, I wonder how she feels. Is she hopeful that they can work things out? When I asked him about their relationship (once), he said they are not together and that they don't get involved in each other's personal lives.

My point is this -- do you think it is wrong to date a man who is separated? I believe him when he says he doesn't want to be with her, but I don't know where her head/heart is, and I would never forgive myself if this woman was trying her best to work on her marriage, and I was getting involved in a way that hurt those chances. I have never been married, but I think that if I were married (and separated, as they are), I wouldn't want my husband dating until after we were divorced and had admitted we couldn't make it work.

Any thoughts?

 

[kmn1980]

He's married until the judge slams the gavel at their divorce proceedings.

Somebody telling you that they don't love their husband/wife doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there is still a valid marriage license on file that binds them together.

If he doesn't want to be with her and wants to be with you, you should (in no uncertain terms) let him know that when he proves up and files and completes the divorce process he is welcome to get back in contact with you.

 

[ambergirl]

I think this is a great question. What I often find is that a lot of men are serial daters with no downtime. That means they are often in the midst of leaving a relationship while they are trying to start a new one. My standard rule has been let me know when your situation is really over and then we'll talk, but I've often found that means they approach someone else. Some of these men are dogs no doubt, but some are pretty good guys who are just loathe to be alone.

So what's the answer? Curious to know if others have found this and how you handle it.

 

[Triniwegian]

He is still married, so you're messing with someones husband.
If he doesn't want to be with her he should get a divorce.

Always judge a man by his actions, not his words.

 

[Dposh167]

it sounds like u already know the answer to your question. U wrote too many doubts in your post

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Separated = married.

He's had two years...why hasn't he filed for divorce? That means he may be "hoping" to continue his marriage and/or work it out, or who knows...meanwhile it's just a mess waiting to happen. Ethically I wouldn't date anyone who is married (that's just me), and I think that separated is a play on words. I'm all or nothing with things such as this. I'd tell him I think he's wonderful, and when he gets a divorce to give me a call...and then I wouldn't wait around I'd look elsewhere because who knows maybe the perfect guy is around the corner (or maybe it's him). Still, waiting in vain is not pretty and I just don't DO waiting.

I'd also like to add that even if he WAS divorced he's going to need time to adjust to that divorce. Ponder what went wrong, etc so that it doesn't happen again. maybe have time to get himself together. I'd side eye a guy who jumps from one marriage to a serious relationship. So I'd see him as a lost cause because you've got a good 2-5 year wait on him (when you consider he needs to "file for divorce", divorce, get over divorce, and have time to himself before starting a serious relationship).

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Hi. My cousin is in this situation as well. I vote no to dating a man who is separated and not divorced.

I will admit that there are often technical issues that lie in the way of divorce. you might want to do a little digging to find out. Are they having problems ironing out the settlement details? Is one spouse refusing to sign the papers?

But I think for your emotional health, you should step away.

 

[Syrah]

He's married until the judge slams the gavel at their divorce proceedings.

Somebody telling you that they don't love their husband/wife doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there is still a valid marriage license on file that binds them together.

If he doesn't want to be with her and wants to be with you, you should (in no uncertain terms) let him know that when he proves up and files and completes the divorce process he is welcome to get back in contact with you.

Amount to a hill of beans...I like it!

 

[CurlyMoo]

Dating a Married (but Separated) Men

IS STILL A MARRIED MAN!

I don't deal with married men. Seperated or not. Because, I have seen so man "seperated" couples get back together even for a little nookie. Because they are still emotionally attached or dealing with the problems of their marriage. It's not my place to come between that. Even if the dude is the one pursuing me. Because many men use sex or cheating to deal with their problems. These men have alot of nerve anyway, but many are still dealing with the failure or difficulties of that relationship. And the wife has a right to be salty about it too, especially if she is till trying to hold on to her marriage. Which may lead to drama for me. And I am a no drama lover.

I know that some men are just irrisistable and we want them to be apart of our lives. But, I would say step back from this relationship and see how long he continues to be "seperated" and find a man who is available to you legally. You don't want to be in a situation where he decides he's going to go back to his wife after you have fallen in love and made plans to be his woman. He may be waiting for his wife to stop seeing her lover so he can get back with her. (not saying this is his situation but it happens.)

You never mentioned his desire for a divorce, just that he has been seperated from his wife for 2 years. It doesn't take 2 years to divorce unless there is a custody issue or someone is dragging their feet. What is he doing to finalize that relationship? Considering they have children together it may not be his intention to divorce. Some married people don't want a divorce but they still want to date and live their lives like single people. I can't tell you how tough it is to be out with your married girlfriends and they are competing with you for the single guys.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Even after our volatile marriage, when we were separated my exhusband didn't want to move along with the divorce. Women were calling me talking bout he is moving on with them, blah, blah....and I would tell them "...well tell him to sign the divorce papers and you can have him". All the while, I'm thinking "do they know he is the debil in human form?"

He really did try to keep me strung along as long as he could, but I had peaced out already. So, I guess what I am telling you is maybe you should really find out who left whom. My ex had them girls believing he could walk on water and I guess they were trying to hurry up and replace me. Little did they know I had a restraining order on him and was mending a broken leg thanks to him and that he was the one holding up the divorce at that time. They had the "I gots me a man" tunnel vision. The only thing they really knew he was married but separated.

So, I would tread carefully. He might not be what you think he is.

 

[Makenzie]

He is a married man. I agree with all the previous posts.

 

[gabulldawg]

He's still married, OP. If he really didn't want to be with his wife at all he would have at LEAST filed paperwork for a divorce. Now if he had said that he had already filed the paperwork and is just waiting for his wife to agree to the terms, then that's a different story. But he's still a married man.

IMO you are focused on the wrong things. Who cares what his wife wants? You should be concerned about what he wants. Even if she did want to get back with him it wouldn't happen if he didn't want it to happen.

 

[Browndilocks]

Oh Come on ladies!!! Yall are being silly.

OP - I got you. Cause what if things go right between you and this guy?

You can get together, have a good time, fall in luuuuuvvvv...

Yall share cotton candy...

Yall get on the ferris wheel at the county fair...

There's a wheel malfunction and the ride breaks down...

He falls off the ferris wheel and cracks his skull...

He has to be rushed to the hospital...

You go to visit, soup in hand...

Only to be greeted by the nurse's aide, tellin you that only FAMILY is allowed inside...

His wife breezes past you with a smirk on her face cause she's glad he cracked his head (while she laughs stupitt **** in a mumble under her breath)...

And you forgot you left your Louis overnight bag at his house...

But he needs a home attendant for the rest of his life...

And his wife becomes his attendant because she wants that disability check...

And now your bag is gone forever, cuz u aint getting in his house no more...

And now the soup is cold too.

Dangitt...

 

[TeeDee66]

That hilarious Browndilocks and true. I would also add that as a woman on the side, he won't be taking a lot of photos with you or taking you to meet his family until he's divorced.

Just don't get involved with a married man. I did it once and I'm so terribly sorry. It was horrific bcz the dude strung me out waiting for his divorce for 4 years. I could have been married and had 3 kids. So PLEASE GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT.

 

[CofCGrad1997]

Thank you all for the comments and advice. I had stopped responding to him awhile ago because I felt I needed some time to think things through, but I sent him a final (multi-page) text to let him know I couldn't in good conscience continue to see him or talk to him.

 

[MissAn]

And now your bag is gone forever, cuz u aint getting in his house no more...

If anyone has ever seen "He's Just Not That Into You": I thought Browndilocks was about to throw out an 'EXCEPTION' story....I was sooo wrong

I think you made the right choice OP. People STAYING in a marriage is a rare occurence nowadays, so, something's up.

 

[Enyo]

I dated a separated man and didn't regret it. We are still friends (and only that) today. Mainly because I'm enjoying my celibacy and single status too much to date anyone seriously. I guess it was easier for me because he does not have children and was going through divorce proceedings while we dated. He had been legally separated for over two years when we met.

Legal marriages only mean something to the state - not to one's head, emotions, or faith. I know people who are religiously divorced but still legally married. In their eyes, only God decides if a union is valid or not. So who am I to judge their actions if they emotionally and dogmatically believe they are single? I'm not saying this applies in this case, because it doesn't, but I think people are so quick to make a legal document paramount over things that others may find more important.

I do agree with the fact that men serial date. My ex-husband was looking for someone else before I could even move out. Still, if you have ben socially and emotionally separated for years, you don't need the waiting period associated with being a new divorcee. Once again, paper/legality is different from the heart and the spirit. I guess it depends on what you want. If you want a serious relationship, then I'd avoid a man who is not actively getting divorced. But if you just want to have fun and have someone to be with, then I never thought as separation being a barrier to dating them. Just don't be one of those women who waits years for him to divorce his wife legally so he can marry you. It's pathetic.

Sorry, but if you're not actively working on your marriage, then why would you just sit alone? I know it's not popular, but a lot of being separated involves seeing who and what is out there. Sometimes that's what it takes to realize you're still in love and want to work things out. But sometimes it teaches you that you're a new person and need a new mate for your new life.

Personally, if you say he's separated for two years with no divorce proceedings, I'd steer clear. Men are just too likely to try and line up a replacement. I find if they have to do things of their own volition (without "bait") it works out better for everyone. Still, I've had fun with separated men and never thought that it was shameful.

 

[ThickHair]

I guess I am on the other side of the coin. I was completely done with my spouse, seperated and everything and there was no possiblity of getting back together. Ex would not sign the documents to be divorced. In my state if the other spouse does not sign you have to wait two years and a divorce will be processed then. So began my wait, and wait and wait. 1 week before our two years were up he signed the document.

So yes, I dated while I was still married but the marriage was done, but it was very clear there was only a marriage on paper.

I was truthful with everything but some folks do lie, that is when there are issue.

So do you trust him is the question? Hey it happens, we all are not free and clear sometimes.

BTW I did not find a good man until I WAS free and clear though.

 

[LBoogie]

 

[gabulldawg]

I guess I am on the other side of the coin. I was completely done with my spouse, seperated and everything and there was no possiblity of getting back together. Ex would not sign the documents to be divorced. In my state if the other spouse does not sign you have to wait two years and a divorce will be processed then. So began my wait, and wait and wait. 1 week before our two years were up he signed the document.

So yes, I dated while I was still married but the marriage was done, but it was very clear there was only a marriage on paper.

I was truthful with everything but some folks do lie, that is when there are issue.

So do you trust him is the question? Hey it happens, we all are not free and clear sometimes.

BTW I did not find a good man until I WAS free and clear though.

Your situation is different because you actually took steps to pursue a divorce. OP didn't mention that the guy she was talking about made any steps toward divorce.

 

[Lynnerie]

If he's still married to her... he can never be married to you. No matter how much their relationship has dissolved. Soror you are selling yourself short if you continue to carry on with him. You deserve so much more.

 

[ladysaraii]

If he hasnt started divorce proceedings, I'd KIM for reasons listed above

 

[jem_mcmillan]

He's married until he gets those divorce papers. I would keep it friendly but avoid going out with him. If he asks, tell him he needs to handle his business. It's been two years, he needs to get a divorce. I know too many women who dated guys who were separated and got their hearts broken when they went back to their wives.

 

[CofCGrad1997]

Thanks for the advice. As I wrote yesterday, I've told him how I feel about it.

 

[drkc01]

I would say wait until the divorce is final because they may decide to get back together. Also, have you ever been to his home? He may be separated but his wife may not be. If he is not divorced, he has unfinished business that could end in heartbreak for you. Take things very slow so that you are not the rebound chick and understand that he may not want to get married again if he divorces his wife.

 

[ThickHair]

I would say wait until the divorce is final because they may decide to get back together. Also, have you ever been to his home? He may be separated but his wife may not be. If he is not divorced, he has unfinished business that could end in heartbreak for you. Take things very slow so that you are not the rebound chick and understand that he may not want to get married again if he divorces his wife.

Unfinished business can happen even when folks aren't even married.

 

[kandake]

I happen to agree with Enyo and Thickhair.

 

[kismettt]

after 2 years, why aren't they divorced? idgi

 

[MissJ]

Yes, it is wrong. If he wanted something serious with you, don't you think he would put the divorce wheels in motion? If you just want a fling, then you might be okay with his still being married. If you want something serious, then you are seriously deluding yourself.