Confused

[lucky8502]

You women on this board are some of the most intelligent and discerning I have had the pleasure to talk and share ideas with so I'm sure you probably understand my situation more than I do. I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months now but we were friends for about 3 years before this. We get on well enough but the dynamics of the relationship confuse me. When ever I try to be girlfriend like or initiate phone ( I am very low mantinance so I may try to contact him maybe once a day or every other day, it's not like I am blowing up anything) conversations or what not he ignores the hell out of me but once I throw my hands up and go about my day or life he is darn near falling all over him self to please me erplexed. I really don't know what this is about does anyone have any idea?
Thanks in advance :hug:

 

[nlamr2013]

Have you confronted him about this?

 

[dyh080]

He doesn't want to commit but wants you for a friend, maybe? He doesn't want to lose you but at the same time does not want you for a girlfriend. I just guessing. Perhaps he wants a "friend with benefits".

 

[dyh080]

Also, I can't stand for someone to "ignore the hell out of me", be they friends, relatives or co-workers. I cut them off since they don't consider me to be important enough to get a response out of them.

 

[hopeful]

All I know is that I would start ignoring the hell out him too. That is not cool IMO. Seems to me to be a control thing, like I'll talk to you when I feel like it. Are you two an "official" couple. If not, after 5 months, and his behavior, I would fall back, stop initiating contact, and return his calls or texts very slowly, I would take my own sweet time.

 

[lucky8502]

All I know is that I would start ignoring the hell out him too. That is not cool IMO. Seems to me to be a control thing, like I'll talk to you when I feel like it. Are you two an "official" couple. If not, after 5 months, and his behavior, I would fall back, stop initiating contact, and return his calls or texts very slowly, I would take my own sweet time.

hopeful

Yes we've been a couple for five months and I usually never initiate contact but if I do I get nothing. He only initiates when he wants to hang out and not talk.

You said you think he is controlling ? I've had one other person say that to me but not explain it to me can you explain it a little more please.

and when I fall back then he is all over me and up my *** and it's kind of confusing

 

[lucky8502]

Have you confronted him about this?

nadaa16

Yes I have but nothing ever gets resolved. It ends up in what I'm not doing like not initiating contact and him always having to ( even though when I do he doesn't answer or don't short kurt answers convos)

 

[hopeful]

hopeful

Yes we've been a couple for five months and I usually never initiate contact but if I do I get nothing. He only initiates when he wants to hang out and not talk.

You said you think he is controlling ? I've had one other person say that to me but not explain it to me can you explain it a little more please.

and when I fall back then he is all over me and up my *** and it's kind of confusing

lucky8502

Controlling as in he wants everything on his terms, not yours. A relationship is give and take. You get your way this time, I get my way next time, etc. like maybe he doesn't especially like talking on the phone, but he does it anyway because it makes you happy. And a real bf returns his gf's texts or calls within a timely manner, like immediately, within a few hours, and definitely within 24 hours, like always, because you're his girl. So he's toying with your feelings. You are confused because when everything is on his terms he's happy and sweet to you, but the minute you dare call or want to do something on your terms he's distant and a jerk. He is spoiled and selfish. Don't tell him any of this. Just knowing it will empower you. Remember, he is not the prize, you are.

 

[lucky8502]

Wow hopeful you are spot on and just explained a lot of what is going on. He gets upset unless things go his way but he is great when they do go his way but I challenge him because I don't want to lose myself or sometimes the dynamics aren't fair. I've been toying around with breaking up with him because I don't know if he is trying to be a real boyfriend but my friends and family are telling me don't be too hasty to break up with him ( of course he is on his best behavior and very attentive when around family )

Oh man I really appreciate you all helping me understand what is going on and listening to my problems. You all are a very nice bunch

 

[lucky8502]

He doesn't want to commit but wants you for a friend, maybe? He doesn't want to lose you but at the same time does not want you for a girlfriend. I just guessing. Perhaps he wants a "friend with benefits".

dyh080

yeah I thought about this as well which is why I'm confused as well he pushed for me to be his girlfriend and for us to be exclusive buy doesn't call or whatnot and doesn't show much affection in public or only wants to stay home and color ( I know men aren't complicated but I just don't quite understand)

 

[lucky8502]

Have you confronted him about this?

nadaa16

yes I confronted him but everything is a fight with him. He is overtly sensitive about everything. ( did I tag you already, my appologies if I did it's late and I've been up doing school work)

 

[hopeful]

Time to change the game. A bf calls, is there for you, takes you out on dates, and should be affectionate privately and in public. Don't sell yourself short.

ETA: He knew you wanted a bf, not a fwb situation that is why he pushed to be bf and gf. Like the other poster said, he really just wanted a fwb situation. Sneaky bastard.

 

[lucky8502]

Yeah I agree with you I think that's EXACTLY what he is doing because he acts like it's too much to go on a date anymore and he only wants to do something at his house or only calls when he wants me to come over. Plus when we go out with his friends he just leaves me to fend for myself (even the first time) and clamors to stand next to the pretty girl and wont even acknowledge me until the pretty girl is gone ( even if one of the pretty girls is his best friend's girl) Thank you all I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me. There is a lot of other things that make me go hmmm but these were the things confusing me

 

[Fine 4s]

You.Can.DO.BETTER.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hey lucky8502

So sorry to hear that you've been going through this. I agree with hopeful (as always lol ) and most of the other posters in this thread.

I will ALSO add, that due to my previous experience with guys in the past, now days I have come to realize that if I am ever feeling "confused" while in a relationship, or even feeling "confused" while wondering if a guy is interested in me or not, then 9 times out of 10 that "confusion" is a HUGE red Neon sign telling me that something is NOT right. erplexed Usually when I have felt "confused" in a relationship or around a guy, that usually meant that he was NOT that into me. Either that, or our goals and what we wanted out of a relationship did not match.

When a guy is TRULY into you and (more importantly) wants a RELATIONSHIP with you, his actions will NOT be confusing, they will be SO transparent. His feelings for you will be easily read. But if I'm scratching my head, twisting myself into a pretzel trying to "figure out" this dude, then that tells me right there that I better keep vigilant and observe him closely, because he may not be what I'm really looking for.

Yeah I agree with you I think that's EXACTLY what he is doing because he acts like it's too much to go on a date anymore and he only wants to do something at his house or only calls when he wants me to come over. Plus when we go out with his friends he just leaves me to fend for myself (even the first time) and clamors to stand next to the pretty girl and wont even acknowledge me until the pretty girl is gone ( even if one of the pretty girls is his best friend's girl) Thank you all I just wanted to make sure it wasn't just me. There is a lot of other things that make me go hmmm but these were the things confusing me

Oh NO...this is SO not cool. He is straight up telling you with his actions that he doesn't view you as anything serious. A guy who is trying to IMPRESS you and show you that he wants a serious relationship with you wouldn't do something like this.


Gosh, I really hope I'm wrong and that things improve with you and your friend OP. I agree w/others...he sounds a little on the controlling and selfish side.

I would fall back and stop with the contact. Give him a break for a little bit. Only respond to HIS pursuit and interest for about a week. See what happens.


In the meantime, if I were you, I would check out The Rules Thread I started a few years back. It's very eye-opening to read all of the other ladies' experiences they've had w/men. You might start to notice something.

Also, maybe (IF you haven't done so already) you might want to pick up a copy and read WMLB. It's another "eye opener", and it shares with women more about how men think and how they perceive a woman who pursues THEM.

 

[dyh080]

@lucky8502

read, re-read then absorb @Crystalicequeen123 post above. It is the TRUTH.

If you have to wonder, then save yourself the agony and move on. Trust me, 99% of the time, the answer is no if you are confused. I always tell people, if you have to ask whether he is interested or not, then you already have your answer.
If he is a man and is interested in you he was come after you. If, not, then someone else will.

P.S. And the "coloring" must STOP. He doesn't deserve it.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@lucky8502

read, re-read then absorb @Crystalicequeen123 post above. It is the TRUTH.

If you have to wonder, then save yourself the agony and move on. Trust me, 99% of the time, the answer is no if you are confused. I always tell people, if you have to ask whether he is interested or not, then you already have your answer.
If he is a man and is interested in you he was come after you. If, not, then someone else will.

P.S. And the "coloring" must STOP. He doesn't deserve it.

dyh080
@the bolded.... Yep... This is has definitely been my experience. That's why when I instantly get the impression that a guy is "confusing" me, or I'm trying to wrack my brain looking for ways that I can SHOW him more that I'm interested in him, this is always a red flag that he's not THAT into me.

Things will be "easy" with the right man who is interested and wants a relationship.


Oh, and re: the bolded and underlined...
OP....PLEASE listen to this. The coloring needs to STOP cold turkey. Don't reward bad behavior. I know it may not seem like that's what you're doing, but trust me....all it's teaching him is that he can give you the LEAST amount of consideration, and you will STILL give him the cookie. erplexed

 

[outspokenwallflower]

Threads like these are always so eye-opening. I hope you can figure things out OP, but I'm so grateful for the creation of and responses in this thread.

 

[Mai Tai]

@lucky8502

Controlling as in he wants everything on his terms, not yours. A relationship is give and take. You get your way this time, I get my way next time, etc. like maybe he doesn't especially like talking on the phone, but he does it anyway because it makes you happy. And a real bf returns his gf's texts or calls within a timely manner, like immediately, within a few hours, and definitely within 24 hours, like always, because you're his girl. So he's toying with your feelings. You are confused because when everything is on his terms he's happy and sweet to you, but the minute you dare call or want to do something on your terms he's distant and a jerk. He is spoiled and selfish. Don't tell him any of this. Just knowing it will empower you. Remember, he is not the prize, you are.

Hey @lucky8502

So sorry to hear that you've been going through this. I agree with @hopeful (as always lol ) and most of the other posters in this thread.

I will ALSO add, that due to my previous experience with guys in the past, now days I have come to realize that if I am ever feeling "confused" while in a relationship, or even feeling "confused" while wondering if a guy is interested in me or not, then 9 times out of 10 that "confusion" is a HUGE red Neon sign telling me that something is NOT right. erplexed Usually when I have felt "confused" in a relationship or around a guy, that usually meant that he was NOT that into me. Either that, or our goals and what we wanted out of a relationship did not match.

When a guy is TRULY into you and (more importantly) wants a RELATIONSHIP with you, his actions will NOT be confusing, they will be SO transparent. His feelings for you will be easily read. But if I'm scratching my head, twisting myself into a pretzel trying to "figure out" this dude, then that tells me right there that I better keep vigilant and observe him closely, because he may not be what I'm really looking for.

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

 

[ambergirl]

Cosigning with the ladies above. Plus some men just want to be wanted. They want to know you want them even though they may be on the fence.

Personally I wouldn't put big hopes in him as relationship material.

 

[Urban]

Girl, you're not confused. You already know the way he's treating you ain't right or else you wouldn't have posted. You know what you need to do.

 

[LivingDoll]

OP, I have nothing new to add. I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel...the ladies have all given you great advice, because most of us have been in a similar situation at some point. Be strong, ok? Stand for nothing, and fall for anything. You hold ALL of the power. HUGS to you.

 

[lucky8502]

Sorry it took so long for me to reply guys I've been completing my senior thesis and finishing up my last semester of college and haven't even had time to breath .

As expected a returned to an a lot of support and warmth and a little tough love. Yeah I kind of figured everything you ladies wrote but it just helps to have an unbiased opinion ( not friends or family who sometimes give terrible advice) and sometimes we as women don't like to let go of someone we've had sex with ( because of the emotional attachment and not wanting our number to go up )

Ironically I always live by these rules:

-Don't call men (unless it's in response to their call)
-Don't chase a man (let him pursue you!)
-Don't initiate conversations/dates with a man (let him notice you!)
-Don't accept last-minute dates (you DO have a life!)
-Don't make it too easy for him, but don't make it impossible either (he should feel like you have other options, and that he is privileged to be able to steal you away from YOUR busy schedule just to take you out)

but I started breaking them because my boyfriend complained that I never called and he had to always initiate contact or I was too unavailiable etc etc but when I started to become only slightly lax he ignores my text and turns me down like he didn't ask me to do any of that stuff.

So since we last spoke here he took me to eat ( he always pays) and compliments me, is attentive and looks me in the eyes, holds me closely, etc etc drops me of with a passionate goodbye kiss. Next he takes me to another restaurant ( he calls because he was visiting his grands and is in the neighborhood and wanted to take me out) He pays ( like always) , we have a huge booth and he wants me to sit beside him and he cuddles me, we have engaging conversation, drops me off with a passionate kiss.( My cycle has been on so Sex cant happen anyways) Today I needed his help with something and I went to his house. He is on his video game when I walk in ( I leave to get something to eat and come back and he is still on that thing) so I call my BFF and we have a conversation in Chinese so he cant understand what we are saying. Well after the phone call he is upset because he says I am being rude and he was going to turn off the game soon ( I told him I was on the phone because he was on the game and I took the opportunity to use phone *shrugs* ) He is noticeably salty but when I ask him if he was mad at me he says he wasn't. I told him if he was mad to just say it and he hostilely says he's not. Later we ended up talking about why he is such a crappy boyfriend and he answers that I don't allow him enough time with me to show his generosity. He says we don't go on dates because I am always late ( which I am but by like 20 mins tops) When I am late he will say " now it's too late to do anything when it's usually around 7:30 . Also he says that we don't see each other often enough only once or twice a week ( which is true because I am a college student) and he got salty because he accused me of spending time with everybody else. ( which is not true, I only see school partners often or I may go out with friends if he tries to plan something last min or lazy ). i know if I implement his "critiques" that he will find some way to reject my advances as if they were not his ideas in the first place. When we get in arguments sometimes he talks about how we may not last but if I frankly ask if we are breaking up he gets himself into a panic and scolds me for even saying the word.

Can you ladies help me decipher this mess you all know the answers to anything. I know I already received a ton of great advice and it is slightly greedy to expect more but I just wanted input on the above situations so I can understand what to explain when either dumping or i don't know yet.
Sorry that was a lot. I am used to writing 50 page papers so it is hard to turn that off after a while .

Thank you again

dyh080 hopeful Crystalicequeen123 outspokenwallflower ambergirl

 

[lucky8502]

Threads like these are always so eye-opening. I hope you can figure things out OP, but I'm so grateful for the creation of and responses in this thread.

I am so glad others are getting something out of this thread too.

 

[TayMac]

lucky8502


He is a guy so he knows how to play the game. He knows he has to mix in some sweetness there to keep you around. So he was on good behavior, but how long will that last. The decision is yours to dump him or not.

The phrase we use a lot around here is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them..the first time"

 

[naijamerican]

OP, I just want to say that I appreciate and respect your humility in wanting to get advice. That is truly to be commended, and I'm glad that people were so supportive.

What I want to ask you is, what do you really want out of this relationship? Do you feel that he is consistently giving you what you feel that you deserve? I myself was confused after reading your most recent post, but the bottom line is that that kind of inconsistent behavior is not healthy. If I may be perfectly frank, I think that you already know what you want and need to do, so if I were you I would do it. You don't owe him an explanation. The excuses that he gave you were superlatively wack! He doesn't want to be alone but is picking apart your every move. You stated that you know that if you implement his suggested changes, that he will still find other ways to ignore you. In fact, it doesn't even sound as if he apologized for his behavior. Offering explanations for why you did what you did is not the same as a heartfelt apology borne of out knowing that your behavior hurt someone.

If you didn't come here for help and accepted that as the norm for your relationship then that would be one thing. But you did, and sis, I'm not going to tell you to do anything that your gut is not already saying to you. The only extra thing I would add to the chorus of great advice you've already received is that I don't think that you owe him an explanation beyond, "it's not working for me." That seems to pretty much sum it up.

 

[lucky8502]

Thank you so much guys, you all have been reaffirming what i've been thinking but when mutual friends and parents feel you should stick it out and give it a little longer. But you all are right what if I miss something great wasting time. *takes deep breath* time to put on my big girl drawers.

 

[hopeful]

All of the same advice from me. He is controlling and manipulative. It may take a minute for you to make a clean break. Stop having sex with him -- that will help you see him more clearly. I realized that I had far higher standards than most. Family can be the worst when they have low expectations and standards because you think they love me and therefore should want the best for me. Unfortunately most people can't want more for you than they want and hope for themsełves. Let them expect and want less and you set your own standards. I know it's not easy. But I will tell you that because of my high standards, I live a happier, more fulfilling life than most people. Don't pay your family and friends no nevermind, they just don't know any better.

So yeah, you don't need more advice. He's a jerk, manipulative, and sneaky. I'm especially hard on him because you guys were friends for years first. That ticks me off because he used all he learned about you to manipulate you.