confused...relationship triangle

[SoSweet08]

I need a mentor or something. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

Long story short for now, my ex of 2-3 years is now back in contact with me. After the break uup I still wanted a way to get him back. I met another dude and finally stop talking to my ex for a couple of months. I no longer hold a grudge for what my ex did to me.

I reuinited with new dude in october/november. We use to go to school together. We've been talking every day since. He's everything every woman should want in a man. I think I don't take it too far with him because of his looks...which is so messed up for me to say right now. He's perfect to me otherwise.

I always felt that my ex was my soulmate and I always wanted him back. New dude found out me and ex was in contact and flipped basically.

I don't know...it's a really long story but I'm just so confused don't know what to do and I want to keep new dude in my life. Ex is falling apart and the niceness in me wants to help him get back together. I don't know. I just feel stupid and lost.

It makes me just want to be by myself. New dude keeps talking about how he gives me 80% and all I give is 20. He takes a bus and 2 trains sometimes at night (11:30) just to pick me up from work and walk me to my car to make sure I'm safe. We live about a 35 min. Drive from each other so doing that on public transportation alone is a lot and my job is on the other side of town.

I'm babbling right now. I'm just lost/venting...

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Don't mess up what could be.. for something in the past...move forward

 

[weaveologist]

I need a mentor or something. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

Long story short for now, my ex of 2-3 years is now back in contact with me. After the break uup I still wanted a way to get him back. I met another dude and finally stop talking to my ex for a couple of months. I no longer hold a grudge for what my ex did to me.

I reuinited with new dude in october/november. We use to go to school together. We've been talking every day since. He's everything every woman should want in a man. I think I don't take it too far with him because of his looks...which is so messed up for me to say right now. He's perfect to me otherwise.

I always felt that my ex was my soulmate and I always wanted him back. New dude found out me and ex was in contact and flipped basically.

I don't know...it's a really long story but I'm just so confused don't know what to do and I want to keep new dude in my life. Ex is falling apart and the niceness in me wants to help him get back together. I don't know. I just feel stupid and lost.

It makes me just want to be by myself. New dude keeps talking about how he gives me 80% and all I give is 20. He takes a bus and 2 trains sometimes at night (11:30) just to pick me up from work and walk me to my car to make sure I'm safe. We live about a 35 min. Drive from each other so doing that on public transportation alone is a lot and my job is on the other side of town.

I'm babbling right now. I'm just lost/venting...

My only advice is be sure that the ex is not just all up in your face because he's jealous of the new guy. People like a challenge, and now you are a challenge to the ex because your mind is off of him. Why wasn't he so persistent when you were trying to get back with him after the break up? Gotta think about that.

But on the flip side, the ex may not realize what he had in you until he got out here and couldn't find what he had in you.

I guess that just furthers your confusion...My bad. Just take your time and think. Pray. Ask God to lead you to do what HE has in store for you. Thats it. Thats all.

 

[ThickHair]

Ex wouldn't be bothering you if you didn't have someone new. You are giving the new guy the short end of the stick. Keep playing with both of them and you are going to end up alone. I say go back to the ex and leave the "Good Guy" for a good woman who would appreciate him.

 

[tinkat]

The others pretty much summed it up. Sometimes we like things that are not good for us. Try to seperate heart and mind. If someone is good to you, hold on to that. As stated already, he is an ex for a reason. There are alot of good men out there, but sometimes it can be hard to find one...so if this new guy is as great as you say, I say get to know him more or let him go bc it is not fair to string someone along.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

You mentioned that "ex is falling apart". What does that mean? Is he trying to pull at your heart strings and use the love you had for him in the past to his advantage now that you have a new man in your life?

 

[bermudabeauty]

I was watching this on Dr. Phil last nite. LOL. He said, and it makes sense. Once your out of a relationship, once he's your ex. Stay out. He was your ex for a reason. Most people when they are apart from the person they used to be with have selective memory and feelings. They remember the good things and good feelings when they aren't together, but it all comes rushing back after being reunited with the person for awhile. In my opinion a guy that takes ten trains etc just to see me, is a guy that is truely into me. I would give him an honest chance. You deserve to have the very best. Good luck in your decision OP.

 

[*5+5]

Don't believe the hype, they always tend to come back around once they see you're from out of their grip. Once he realizes he can snatch u back as he chooses, he may disappear again.

It happened to me years ago. Dude broke up with me, I wanted the relationship back so badly and he wouldn't give me the time of day.

As soon as I moved on he came back FULL force, I was a lil' apprehensive also. He was promising me so much if I left my current beau but I was way too afraid to budge, I stayed right where I was. Good luck tho'!

 

[tocktick]

Tbh, my first reaction was that you do not deserve the new guy. That's because he doesn't appear to have an issue showing you that he values you, thinks about you and wants to be with you. Whereas, you're not willing to take it to the next level because you don't find him attractive and you still have your ex on your mind.

Maybe your ex is trying to play you just because of the new guy or because he knows you'll be there. However, if you're even entertaining him, thus allowing his fantasies to fester then you're a willing participant in his games.

You say you want the new guy to be with you but maybe that's because he has everything to offer to you yet you have nothing to offer to him besides persistent feelings for your ex. If you feel that you can give your new guy 100%, then stick with it. Otherwise, don't string him along. Personally, I think you should try being single for a while in order to clearly determine where your mind is.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

ummm....lemme go put my day lottery numbas in before the m'chine cut off....brb yall..imma ansa this when i come back... *grabs numbas list n walks out door*

 

[lexi84]

Girl I have so been in your situation before (only a year ago actually). My situation was crazy similar to yours....its scary. All the way down to the physical attraction to the new guy. My new guy was too skinny for my taste and I didnt like the way he dressed, but I got over it.

Speaking from experience, let the ex go. A year later, I'm still with the "new guy" and we're happy as can be. The old guy? The ex? Got a girl knocked up during the time he was attempting to get me back.

 

[SoSweet08]

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Don't mess up what could be.. for something in the past...move forward

Dang that is so true..

The new guy is a dream guy but i'm being so shallow it's crazy.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

ummm....lemme go put my day lottery numbas in before the m'chine cut off....brb yall..imma ansa this when i come back... *grabs numbas list n walks out door*

You are hilarious!!

 

[SoSweet08]

My only advice is be sure that the ex is not just all up in your face because he's jealous of the new guy. People like a challenge, and now you are a challenge to the ex because your mind is off of him. Why wasn't he so persistent when you were trying to get back with him after the break up? Gotta think about that.

But on the flip side, the ex may not realize what he had in you until he got out here and couldn't find what he had in you.

I guess that just furthers your confusion...My bad. Just take your time and think. Pray. Ask God to lead you to do what HE has in store for you. Thats it. Thats all.

Yea no one knows I am with this new guy though. Everyone I know from high school knows the new guy.

I went to the mall the other day with the new guy and ended up seeing my ex there. So he saw us but not together.

But I think that ex probably didn't realize what he had until he lost it and now he paying big time.

I definitely need to pray and ask God to lead me in the right direction. I unfortunately have not done that since December 2008.

Thanks for replying.

 

[SoSweet08]

Ex wouldn't be bothering you if you didn't have someone new. You are giving the new guy the short end of the stick. Keep playing with both of them and you are going to end up alone. I say go back to the ex and leave the "Good Guy" for a good woman who would appreciate him.

Damn new/good guy was saying the other day that I don't appreciate him but I do.

I guess not enough since i'm acting semi-shallow and talking about my ex

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

Don't forget there's a reason y ur ex is an ex...don't take this new guy for granted, men like that r a rarity...maybe you'll grow to be physically attracted to him...he may have some serious skills in the bedroom...and that will def make u lust after him

 

[SoSweet08]

Sorry I forgot about multi-post...

The others pretty much summed it up. Sometimes we like things that are not good for us. Try to seperate heart and mind. If someone is good to you, hold on to that. As stated already, he is an ex for a reason. There are alot of good men out there, but sometimes it can be hard to find one...so if this new guy is as great as you say, I say get to know him more or let him go bc it is not fair to string someone along.

That is so true. Yea I need to start appreciating this guy more and being thankful for this blessing. I know if I was to spend the rest of my life with him I wouldn't have to worry about much.

You mentioned that "ex is falling apart". What does that mean? Is he trying to pull at your heart strings and use the love you had for him in the past to his advantage now that you have a new man in your life?

my ex broke down on the phone with me the other night crying. He is trying to go back to school and things are getting rough for him and he feels like no one out here cares and we both know his mom doesn't show love like that for him...I was like the only person that did.

Good guy going through things too...Even though he's going through things he always make sure i'm good/ok before worrying about his problems.Ex just started really caring how i'm doing and is more willing to talk than before.

Ex use to be perfect for me but when I came back home the summer of 08...things changed drastically.

I was watching this on Dr. Phil last nite. LOL. He said, and it makes sense. Once your out of a relationship, once he's your ex. Stay out. He was your ex for a reason. Most people when they are apart from the person they used to be with have selective memory and feelings. They remember the good things and good feelings when they aren't together, but it all comes rushing back after being reunited with the person for awhile. In my opinion a guy that takes ten trains etc just to see me, is a guy that is truely into me. I would give him an honest chance. You deserve to have the very best. Good luck in your decision OP.

Thanks for replying...yea and I guess I do deserve to have the best

Don't believe the hype, they always tend to come back around once they see you're from out of their grip. Once he realizes he can snatch u back as he chooses, he may disappear again.

It happened to me years ago. Dude broke up with me, I wanted the relationship back so badly and he wouldn't give me the time of day.

As soon as I moved on he came back FULL force, I was a lil' apprehensive also. He was promising me so much if I left my current beau but I was way too afraid to budge, I stayed right were I was. Good luck tho'!

That's real...and he did left me in a huge depression. The current guy helped me get out of it. If I didn't meet him I probably would of been hospitalize or something.

Tbh, my first reaction was that you do not deserve the new guy. That's because he doesn't appear to have an issue showing you that he values you, thinks about you and wants to be with you. Whereas, you're not willing to take it to the next level because you don't find him attractive and you still have your ex on your mind.

Maybe your ex is trying to play you just because of the new guy or because he knows you'll be there. However, if you're even entertaining him, thus allowing his fantasies to fester then you're a willing participant in his games.

You say you want the new guy to be with you but maybe that's because he has everything to offer to you yet you have nothing to offer to him besides persistent feelings for your ex. If you feel that you can give your new guy 100%, then stick with it. Otherwise, don't string him along. Personally, I think you should try being single for a while in order to clearly determine where your mind is.

Yea being single is good. I wouldn't mind that right now but I don't want to lose the new guy. But, if he loves me he would understand I guess....

I think I do need a break from guys right about now.

ummm....lemme go put my day lottery numbas in before the m'chine cut off....brb yall..imma ansa this when i come back... *grabs numbas list n walks out door*

lol

I need to play the numbers too.

Girl I have so been in your situation before (only a year ago actually). My situation was crazy similar to yours....its scary. All the way down to the physical attraction to the new guy. My new guy was too skinny for my taste and I didnt like the way he dressed, but I got over it.

Speaking from experience, let the ex go. A year later, I'm still with the "new guy" and we're happy as can be. The old guy? The ex? Got a girl knocked up during the time he was attempting to get me back.

Dang ain't that something. Yea I need to just overlook looks right now...Life is more then just looks...right...

So what do I do not that the ex have my new number and everything. Still talk to him on a hi/bye status or just forget about him all together?

Or maybe this is something I have to ask myself?

 

[SoSweet08]

This is so crazy because I could remember it like it was yesterday...

I was in this thread crying about losing my ex/my soul mate and I wanted him back and I was in the All The Rules and WMLB Thread hard. Lol...

Wow it's funny how things turn out in life.

 

[NYAmicas]

Don't believe the hype, they always tend to come back around once they see you're from out of their grip. Once he realizes he can snatch u back as he chooses, he may disappear again.

It happened to me years ago. Dude broke up with me, I wanted the relationship back so badly and he wouldn't give me the time of day.

As soon as I moved on he came back FULL force, I was a lil' apprehensive also. He was promising me so much if I left my current beau but I was way too afraid to budge, I stayed right where I was. Good luck tho'!

Your post sparked my memory of something similar happening. I was with a really great guy but didn't appreciate him because I thought I was so "in love" with my ex. The ex would call and call trying to fill me with BS and promises. I broke up with the guy and thought there was some type of future with the ex.....Ha! I felt so dumb and regretted it a lot because the other guy was 10x better. Years later Im with a boyfriend (who later becomes DH) and the ex is blowing up my phone, trying to start the new "I love yous." I promptly hung up in his ear! He was always heavily pressed when I was with someone.

And I tend to find that we as women always want to rescue men. So what if he's in a bad position? It's his fault he lost you in the first place so therefore he should be coming to you a better man and ready to help you. From what you typed you have a great man, I hope you dont let him go for someone who already showed his behind.

 

[prettyFine]

before i start on the new guy lets deal with the ex. if the ex was a constant cheat don't take him back. look at the reason why you two broke up. if 2-3 yrs didn't keep you together then it must have been something major. can you see yourself living with what your ex did to you yet again? as for the nice one. deal is no matter how nice he is if you are not attracted to him now you never will be. and you won't love him like he needs to be. and will likely cheat.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

iight yall, i'm back....yeah, yeah, i know i'm late but'r uh.... anywho, did i hit? hell naww....DC on some bullsnot...missed da 4 digit by one numba yall!!

ok....so i've read your post and here is my $.02....

when i first read it, my brain was in playa mode...i was like shoooot....two men....das what i call OPTIONS!!!! but then i re-read ur post and ur response and dummied up and came to this conclusion....

if the new guy makes YOU happy, then that is what you stick with...so what he's not that easy on the eye....squint when u gotta look at him every now n then...he'll start lookin good. then again, ur young, so looks ain't everything. besides, i believe that every woman needs to know what it feels like to be treated like a lady. hell, he's catchin trains, planes n buses to meet you at work to make sure you're safe...that speaks alot bout his character...das a good thing! when was da last time ur ex made sure you was safe like that? huh? oh, ok....das what i thought.

and as for the ex....you don't hafta take his calls...that's what caller ID is for...delete his numba from ur phone....outta sight outta mind. drop dat zero and stick witcha hero chile.....

 

[SoSweet08]

Your post sparked my memory of something similar happening. I was with a really great guy but didn't appreciate him because I thought I was so "in love" with my ex. The ex would call and call trying to fill me with BS and promises. I broke up with the guy and thought there was some type of future with the ex.....Ha! I felt so dumb and regretted it a lot because the other guy was 10x better. Years later Im with a boyfriend (who later becomes DH) and the ex is blowing up my phone, trying to start the new "I love yous." I promptly hung up in his ear! He was always heavily pressed when I was with someone.

And I tend to find that we as women always want to rescue men. So what if he's in a bad position? It's his fault he lost you in the first place so therefore he should be coming to you a better man and ready to help you. From what you typed you have a great man, I hope you dont let him go for someone who already showed his behind.

Yea we do try to rescue men. Why am I rescuing these men or trying too...they did me dirty so why do I even care about them still.

You are soo right about what you said.

before i start on the new guy lets deal with the ex. if the ex was a constant cheat don't take him back. look at the reason why you two broke up. if 2-3 yrs didn't keep you together then it must have been something major. can you see yourself living with what your ex did to you yet again? as for the nice one. deal is no matter how nice he is if you are not attracted to him now you never will be. and you won't love him like he needs to be. and will likely cheat.

The ex use to flirt with girls on the phone but, I don't have any facts about him actually hooking up with them. When I came back from Florida he dissed me hard and months later I found out he was sort of dating some chic. When I talk to him I tend to try and forget about the bad things that went down but I guess I shouldn't.

I was in a major depression with what my ex did to me. I can not go through that again.

For the nice one...

the thing is I am attracted to him. I'm more attracted to everything he says and does, his "swag", his knowledge, his words, his character as a whole...........And other things

I just never thought I would date a BIG DUDE. He's very clean but his dreads aren't the neatest looking..When I reunited with him he told me how every dread was a different size for a reason...I forgot what he said but it made me forget about what the dreads looked like.