Confident BUT Shy => often mistaken for a Snob

[MummysGirl]

Any of my close friends will easily say I'm an extrovert, always smiling, etc BUT when I meet new people I am the complete OPPOSITE. I remember being a teenager and finding out a guy I had a massive crush on thought I was a snob. Why? Because everytime I saw him I *never* made eye contact... I was shy!

Same thing yesterday (I'm 30 later this year) - I was done teaching a class (I'm an instructor) and was signing out at reception. I saw this really cute guy, made eye contact with him and looked away immediately. I knew he was looking at me the whole time I was there but I couldn't look back up anymore cos I was shy

I've noticed that the only time I maintain eye contact is if the guy strikes up a conversation - this happened a few weeks ago at the same gym where a couple of guys asked me if I was gonna come back to work out with them. Then I was confident enough to maintain eye contact and decline in a friendly (and hopefully flirty) manner.

Sorry for the long post, my questions are:

1. Is there anyone else like me? Tell me I'm not alone
2. What's the best way to change what seems like a lifelong habit? (It really isn't as easy as it should be because I always say I'll make eye contact, maintain it and smile... but I don't)

Thanks for reading.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Is there anyone else like me? Tell me I'm not alone

Nope you're not alone. I'm the same way. I've been called all kinds of stuff until they get to know me.

What's the best way to change what seems like a lifelong habit? (It really isn't as easy as it should be because I always say I'll make eye contact, maintain it and smile... but I don't)

Smile even when you dont make eye contact. Try to speak to everyone with a hello or a pleasant grin. Laugh at jokes and just an all around pleasant person.

Its ok to be shy and confident. My cousins tell me I have a "quiet confidence". Before, I used to care if people thought I was a snob. Now, I dont care as much. Like Rihanna says, "People gon' talk whether you doing bad or good." So I just accept that I am comfortable with some people and not so much with others. But as long as you can attack me for being rude and malicious, I dont worry about it.

 

[Bublin]

I'm exactly the same. You are not alone. Will add more later. x

 

[Mai Tai]

No OP...You are not alone.

I am very confident, but when I meet new people, especially people that I may consider a friend in the future, I am pretty quiet. Not because I am shy, but because I am observing, taking mental notes, and sizing them up. I have always been this way and is not something that I do purposefully.

I hear it all the time..."You are so cool Mai Tai, but when I first met you, I thought you were stuck up, or that you didn't like me." It's not that I'm not social, but I like to sit in the cut and observe people first before I leap.

 

[Ipanema]

I'm the same way. For so long, people have thought I was a snob. I avoid eye contact with random people, but don't have a problem with eye contact if I get a good vibe from a person.

I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to over-analyze myself & change myself to fit into someone else's mold. Because if you go out of your way to be extra open and friendly when it's not in your nature, then the same people calling you a snob start calling you fake. Now I just live my life, and if I don't connect with some people, then it's not meant to be.

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

No OP...You are not alone.

I am very confident, but when I meet new people, especially people that I may consider a friend in the future, I am pretty quiet. Not because I am shy, but because I am observing, taking mental notes, and sizing them up. I have always been this way and is not something that I do purposefully.

I hear it all the time..."You are so cool Mai Tai, but when I first met you, I thought you were stuck up, or that you didn't like me." It's not that I'm not social, but I like to sit in the cut and observe people first before I leap.

same thing for me. i am a bit shy though but i tend to observe people and i'm very open about how i'm feeling at the time so if i'm not looking to talk to anyone that day (maybe i'm tired) then it may show. i'm not overly smiley smiley. people who know me will say that they thought i was cold. one friend said i looked like a snob. their opinions changed when they got to know me

I'm the same way. For so long, people have thought I was a snob. I avoid eye contact with random people, but don't have a problem with eye contact if I get a good vibe from a person.

I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to over-analyze myself & change myself to fit into someone else's mold. Because if you go out of your way to be extra open and friendly when it's not in your nature, then the same people calling you a snob start calling you fake. Now I just live my life, and if I don't connect with some people, then it's not meant to be.

yep, i learned that lesson. i tried to be extra open. i felt uncomfortable doing it and, although no one ever said anything to me, i feel like there are a few people who see me as fake now. i got tired of the charade and went back to my old self so i'm sure these people were confused and thought i was never real. i was being real with them (saying things i would normally say etc.) but taking a different approach (being super friendly) and that's not me. i'm very laid-back and usually wait for the friendship to just happen

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

OP, I'm exactly the same way. I went to an all-girl HS and most of my classmates thought I was a snob. Things really didn't get better until I got to grad school when 1 of my classmates who's now one of my close friends told me "You're not shy, just reserved."

When I first meet people I'm quiet as a mouse, but once I get comfortable and scope out the situation I'm one of the extroverted people around. I'm at a point where I'm comfortable in my skin and personality that I'm not about to change who I am. Those who've taken the time to get to know me know the real me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

OP,

I can be like this too sometimes. It's just a shy thing. No biggie! Shyness can easily be overcome or at least helped somewhat by simply taking the focus off of yourself.

What helps me is smiling, being friendly with people, and asking THEM questions! Sometimes shy individuals don't feel so comfortable being the "life of the party" or talking a lot about themselves around people that they don't know too well. The best remedy I've found for this is simply engaging people in conversation by being genuinely interested in them as PEOPLE and drawing them out by asking simple questions. You'll find that most people love to talk about themselves anyway giggle, and that usually when you ask people simple questions, they will typically end up asking YOU questions as well.

Try this on for size and see if that works!


I have found that the best way to overcome shyness is to just be comfortable in who you are as a person. If you're shy...EMBRACE it! Admit it to others and say: "I'm kind of shy lol".... If you're goofy....EMBRACE it! Have fun! I find that when I'm just being my self (even if I'm acting crazy or goofy or whatever), most people LOVE it because I'm just naturally being MYSELF. A lot of times people are shy because they care too much about what others think. The fact that you can be outgoing with your friends and be a "different person" around strangers tells me that maybe you're just shy in certain situations. People who are REALLY shy tend to be shy around their close peers too. They're just quiet people in general.

So, don't be embarrassed about being who you are. Embrace yourself fully, and you'll find that most people will too. And if they don't...who cares about them anyway?

 

[theAlist]

This is me! My friends says I'm the woman all women seem to hate when they first meet me But once I've known you for a while, people really seem to like me. But I know part of that is b/c I have trust issues. I never open myself up too quickly and if someone I just met is bombarding me with personal questions like what I do for a living where I live etc, I instantly shut down.

Men are worse for me. It really takes time for me to open up to a man. One of my best male friends (known him for years) says he defended me a lot to guys who called me stuck up. He said some even asked how could he stand to be around me or why is she so close to you. He would simply tell him, you obviously don't know her.

I'm currently trying to break out of my shyness and trust issues without coming off as or feeling fake. *sigh* It's not easy.

 

[MummysGirl]

Thank you, I think I'm getting better with the smiling

Smile even when you dont make eye contact. Try to speak to everyone with a hello or a pleasant grin. Laugh at jokes and just an all around pleasant person.

Its ok to be shy and confident. My cousins tell me I have a "quiet confidence". Before, I used to care if people thought I was a snob. Now, I dont care as much. Like Rihanna says, "People gon' talk whether you doing bad or good." So I just accept that I am comfortable with some people and not so much with others. But as long as you can attack me for being rude and malicious, I dont worry about it.

This is SO me... I do this sometimes when I meet new people, they notice I'm chatty with my friends and I'm quiet around them - this is usually cos I'm trying to figure them out

No OP...You are not alone.

I am very confident, but when I meet new people, especially people that I may consider a friend in the future, I am pretty quiet. Not because I am shy, but because I am observing, taking mental notes, and sizing them up. I have always been this way and is not something that I do purposefully.

I hear it all the time..."You are so cool Mai Tai, but when I first met you, I thought you were stuck up, or that you didn't like me." It's not that I'm not social, but I like to sit in the cut and observe people first before I leap.

Yep, people LOVE to talk about themselves I have been working on asking people questions after my classes because a few members always stay behind to chat with me... I ask a simple question and they spend 5 minutes talking about themselves. They probably think I'm really friendly (which I am) but it helps that I've seen them in my class and made eye contact with them while encouraging them.

OP,

I can be like this too sometimes. It's just a shy thing. No biggie! Shyness can easily be overcome or at least helped somewhat by simply taking the focus off of yourself.

What helps me is smiling, being friendly with people, and asking THEM questions! Sometimes shy individuals don't feel so comfortable being the "life of the party" or talking a lot about themselves around people that they don't know too well. The best remedy I've found for this is simply engaging people in conversation by being genuinely interested in them as PEOPLE and drawing them out by asking simple questions. You'll find that most people love to talk about themselves anyway giggle, and that usually when you ask people simple questions, they will typically end up asking YOU questions as well.

Try this on for size and see if that works!


I have found that the best way to overcome shyness is to just be comfortable in who you are as a person. If you're shy...EMBRACE it! Admit it to others and say: "I'm kind of shy lol".... If you're goofy....EMBRACE it! Have fun! I find that when I'm just being my self (even if I'm acting crazy or goofy or whatever), most people LOVE it because I'm just naturally being MYSELF. A lot of times people are shy because they care too much about what others think. The fact that you can be outgoing with your friends and be a "different person" around strangers tells me that maybe you're just shy in certain situations. People who are REALLY shy tend to be shy around their close peers too. They're just quiet people in general.

So, don't be embarrassed about being who you are. Embrace yourself fully, and you'll find that most people will too. And if they don't...who cares about them anyway?

I don't want to change for anyone but I feel like I'm not approachable... but really, no one who's worth my time should be put off by me not making eye contact, right? As long as I'm not ignoring them or catching an attitude, I am harmless.

Thanks so much ladies... it helps knowing I'm not the only one

 

[chocolat79]

You're definitely not alone, I'm like this too. I have a really good friend now who when we first worked together said she didn't like me because I didn't talk. She was like, "Why didn't you tell me sooner you were so cool?" LOL. But at that time in my profession, it was best to just be observant because I was frequently around different people and I needed to be able to decipher them quickly and early and letting them talk is the fastest way.

I'm incredibly shy around guys and have a hard time making eye contact with them. And I think my smile is delayed, so I definitely don't seem approachable. I'm working on it...

 

[imaccami]

I was like that when I was a teenager and in college. The reason I changed was because I just got so fed up with myself and I hated that embarrassment I felt when I was walking away. I used to yell at myself (in my mind lol) that I was acting like a 13 yr old so that meant that in 6 or 7 years I hadn't changed or matured emotionally. I think every teenager goes through that super shy stage and everyone has to break out of it.

For myself, the hardest part was making eye contact and smiling at guys I didn't know. After he came over to talk, it was easy as pie. I just forced myself to do it, and the more I did it the easier it became, now I look back at those missed opportunities and I want to travel back in time so that I can slap myself for being so dumb. Oh well, we live and we learn.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

For myself, the hardest part was making eye contact and smiling at guys I didn't know.

Yep, this is me however, I've met a lot of men that will make eye contact but they won't smile. It's just something that I've noticed and I don't understand why the woman always has to smile first.

 

[bellebebe]

I'm in the same boat op. Im not really a social butterfly, but when I interact, I am really confident. Ppl often think I'm a snob, plus it helps them to think that because I am beautiful.

Sent from my PC36100 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[Katherina]

Well alrighty then!

Okay now OP. I have the same issue. I don't like smiling at every old body, but I can be intimidating and smiling would help. We should make a smiling challenge!

 

[Flor]

No OP...You are not alone.

I am very confident, but when I meet new people, especially people that I may consider a friend in the future, I am pretty quiet. Not because I am shy, but because I am observing, taking mental notes, and sizing them up. I have always been this way and is not something that I do purposefully.

I hear it all the time..."You are so cool Mai Tai, but when I first met you, I thought you were stuck up, or that you didn't like me." It's not that I'm not social, but I like to sit in the cut and observe people first before I leap.

deleted.....................

 

[ajoke]

Me too, except I am a funny mix, sometimes I am very confident, and sometimes I am so unsure of myself.....funny thing is some of the people who know me would never describe me as shy.

By the way I also went to a girls only HS and a lot of the boys my age around where we live had crushes on me but thought I was a snob.

 

[imaccami]

Yep, this is me however, I've met a lot of men that will make eye contact but they won't smile. It's just something that I've noticed and I don't understand why the woman always has to smile first.

For the same reason the guy has to ask her out and pay for the date. Just cuz! lol I used to look for all kinds of ways to get out of it, but I just had to accept that that's the way it is.

IMO, it goes like this. Girl notices guy but tries to pretend like she doesn't. Guy notices girl and tries to pretend like he doesn't until he gets a really good look and decides he wants to talk to her. (Sometimes he doesn't want to, so he KIM) Girl checks out guy surreptitiously until guy catches her eye and makes eye contact. Girl smiles, guy comes over to talk to her.

Peacocks probably wonder why they have to spread their feathers to get some action. They're like, "why can't she grow some pretty feathers and spread them out for me to see? Why do I have to do all the work?" But, if he wants some action, he'll show off his feathers. Same with you and me, if we want him to come over, we've got to smile. lol

 

[*SkolarStar*]

This is me! My friends says I'm the woman all women seem to hate when they first meet me But once I've known you for a while, people really seem to like me. But I know part of that is b/c I have trust issues. I never open myself up too quickly and if someone I just met is bombarding me with personal questions like what I do for a living where I live etc, I instantly shut down.

Men are worse for me. It really takes time for me to open up to a man. One of my best male friends (known him for years) says he defended me a lot to guys who called me stuck up. He said some even asked how could he stand to be around me or why is she so close to you. He would simply tell him, you obviously don't know her.

I'm currently trying to break out of my shyness and trust issues without coming off as or feeling fake. *sigh* It's not easy.

The bold is definitely something that I need to work on but I know that it won't happen overnight. In the meantime, I will try my best to smile at people so they don't think I'm stuck up. It's really a pain too because as I am in a new country trying to make friends, I wonder if I'm giving off a snobby vibe. In high school a girl told me that she thought I was stuck up because I was a shy person that only talked to a few people (I only had one best friend ). Then she said, "why didn't you tell me you're so cool!") The good thing is that ever since then I have always tried to smile more. I also look at my mom who smiles all of the time, and she always meets people easily.
Where's that smiling challenge?

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Where's that smiling challenge?

it's a challenge for me everyday but since we want to be "THAT GIRL 2011" we might as well start a "2011 Smiling Challenge"

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

For the same reason the guy has to ask her out and pay for the date. Just cuz! lol I used to look for all kinds of ways to get out of it, but I just had to accept that that's the way it is.

I can't argue with you there

IMO, it goes like this. Girl notices guy but tries to pretend like she doesn't. Guy notices girl and tries to pretend like he doesn't until he gets a really good look and decides he wants to talk to her. (Sometimes he doesn't want to, so he KIM) Girl checks out guy surreptitiously until guy catches her eye and makes eye contact. Girl smiles, guy comes over to talk to her.

When I finally do smile, they fidget really bad and just walk away from me. . I guess their nerves got the best of them.

But, if he wants some action, he'll show off his feathers. Same with you and me, if we want him to come over, we've got to smile. lol

Yes ma'am...your right.

 

[lushcoils]

Will this be the thread for the smiling challenge? Or should we start a new one?

And we need some rules to begin with!!


Random, but does anyone's eyes get watery when you force yourself to smile randomly? This happens to me all the time, when I tell myself, oh remember to smile and look pleasant. My eyes get all funny acting, water up, making it hard to make eye contact, my body gets all nervous, and it makes me want to stop smiling.

 

[jerseygurl]

MG you are definitely not alone. I have a "serious" face and can be intimidating to some people. My friends always say that they initially thought that I was mean. Don't worry about it, just be the best you that you can be. If a guy wants to know you better, he will.

 

[MummysGirl]

Thanks Ladies

Yeah... I think we should challenge ourselves to smile a little more (not to the point of looking crazy or fake).

 

[drappedup]

You ARE NOT alone!

I am the same way!

With both males and females. It's worse with males, because......well, I think it actually pushes them away for good (in my experience). Where as females I sometimes eventually end up befriending and LOLing about our first impressions of each other.

I truly am a silly person who laughs all the time, LOL. So my family and close friends think I'm loud and obnoxious, and even people at work think I'm bright and cheery and talkative, but in actuality....I am so shy around strangers! The only reason why I feel comfortable being chatty and outgoing at work with visitors or people I have never met is because of my overall environment being something I am used to. When I greet people walking in and in need of help, I am just as silly and friendly as I am with family/friends, but AS SOON AS you take away that comfortable environment for me, and put me in a place where I am not "in my comfort zone", then I freeze up!

It's why people always think I'm snooty and a snob. I just stay quiet and hardly laugh and seem bored, I'm told.

I have gotten better at making eye contact with strangers, but it is definitely hard. I only feel comfortable smiling if someone else smiles at me first. Sometimes if I am in a particularly good mood I will just smile at any and every stranger, but sometimes I feel unsure, especially when out alone, so I kind of clam up and look serious....even if I do make eye contact.

I also agree about the awkwardness of men making eye contact, but not smiling......it's always so weird to me! Like do I smile? Do I just stare back? This happened to me the other day at Borders, and I smiled and then hurried up and looked at a book, LMAO. AWKWARD! He was cute too. erplexed

I am all up for a smiling challenge! I AM SO IN!

 

[MsSanz92]

Yea this whole tread is the story of my life! I feel like a lot of people say I give off that vibe but mainly because I don't see the need to be in people's faces all the time that's not my personality and I often get frustrated quickly so I like to keep to myself. Around people that I'm friends/acquaintances with I'm a blast!

 

[ingenious_mind]

You are definitely not alone! I'm extremely shy and sort of an introvert. However, once I warm up and get to you I'm really a nice person. I'm on a personal challenge this year in which I have to either compliment or start a conversation with a random person each week. I second the smiling challenge.

 

[PracticallyMe]

I'm the same way. You are definitely not alone. I am more outgoing around people I know, but when I don't know someone I'm more reserved. I like to get a feel for people I don't know before I start engaging them. I also don't do small talk well. I think as I've gotten older it's gotten better. Plus, I don't care as much what other people think of me. I think that helps me to relax more around people I don't know.

 

[MummysGirl]

Cute guy walks into coffee shop (I'm working on my laptop), we make eye contact and I.... don't smile. I just look right back at my screen.

If I see him again, I promise to smile at him

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

^^^ I've done that way too many times to count and I always promise myself, "next time you smile" and what do you think I end up doing...repeating the cycle.

Did he at least smile?