Commitment Phobia....anyone Else?

BillsBackerz67

Well-Known Member
Im diagnosing myself. a long time friend of mine professed his undying love to me, and I had a panic attack. Things were great up until that convo. Im not sure what to do at this point. There is nothing wrong with him. He's great. im just.....ugh I do not want to be bothered with the obligations that come along with a relationship right now...and quite honestly ive never want to be bothered. Sex, living with someone eventually, not being able to do what I want when I want, a child....he is someone that I know that would pop the question in a decent time frame. Im 34, unable to make decisions like this and I suck. If there is anyone that can relate, please reply to make me feel better about myself. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
 
:cheers:
Hey girl...this is my life, as well, same age and everything.

Everything you've mentioned, kids, living together, invasion of my personal space and judgement of my sometimes questionable life choices :look: I don't need or want that. But I'm not 100% sure I want to die alone. Sex is not always a priority for me; I'd rather take a nice nap or drink and laugh all night.

I'm not lonely, as I date when I feel like it and I have a few guys that I go out with, haven't slept together, when I want to be entertained. But I can't commit to any of them. I also travel very, very, often, so I don't really have time. I've also had panic attacks about this, or just like heart racing, sweaty palms when it comes to discussing commitment. Sometimes I feel nauseous. I also have vulnerability issues so I can't always let my guard down, ugh, that made my stomach hurt.

But no, you're not alone.

ETA: last week, one guy that I'm-seeing-not-seeing, used a very endearing term and I was like, maybe we should just chill out for a while. He completely ignored what I said and just continued as if I didn't mention anything. There is nothing wrong with him. He knows I have this commitment issue. He changed the subject by suggesting a new trip in November. My attention span is so short that I continued his discussion instead of continuing to back out of the 'situation'. I don't see this going long-term but I'll just go with it for now. :drunk:
 
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I have the same issue. It's not that I don't see the value of a relationship but I'm an independent, need my personal space, loves traveling, moves every few years, tends to get bored with routine, and feels smothered easily kind of person so single life has suited me well. I know I can't keep this up forever though at the age I'm at so not sure how to reconcile this. I think if I met the right kind of guy who complements my personality, shares my quirky interests and doesn't want kids either then it possibly could work. Actually, I did meet a guy like this once. He was the first person who I could see myself committing to. Too bad he didn't feel the same way :ohwell:. Anyway, you aren't alone!
 
My best friend alludes to this. She's an Aquarian. :look: Whoever comes along will simply have to offer her a better deal than all of the things she enjoys about her single. It will be a tough sell.

I feel like this about the majority of men, but if I meet someone who rings my bell so to speak...then I can and do compromise...a lot more than I should. I really love my alone time, space, freedom, etc far too much for that to work longterm (beyond the 1-2 year mark). I see how much I compromised myself now that I am single again. I didn't see it in the beginning of the year. I have had an amazing year of adventure and self development...none of this would've happened with him or anyone else.

OP you have to trust yourself. I saw a quote today that I saved 'Being alone isn't nearly as bad as wishing you were." Don't do anything out of fear, society's timelines, etc. Whatever you decide, you should own it for this phase in your life. However, if you really feel like you're a commitment phobe, then maybe talk to someone. I think its far more common these days and I've heard similar sentiments from a variety of men and women. So just know, you're not alone at least.
 
I think you are just happy living your life the way it is. Being in a relationship isn’t the end all, be all. There is more to life than that. Being content, isn’t being a commitment phobe. I think you ran, since he probably is a nice guy, and it made you question youself and feared your “freedom” being jeopardized.

When the right man that fits into your life comes along, you will know it.
 
Although I've been called a commitment-phobe, I don't think I am. What I hate is the idea of committing to the wrong person or thing. I like situations I can easily get out of if they don't benefit me anymore. I'm also ADD and get bored easily.

I've been in long term relationships before and really do want to get married and have a kid. I love having a companion and someone to do things with, as well as regular sex. Plus I see getting married as a way to build wealth and a type of security. But I also like being able to do what I want when I want, make decisions without regard to anyone but myself, not having to compromise, etc. It's all a trade off. If I meet someone who can upgrade my life + I won't get sick of them in a few months, I'm all for committing. Until then, I'll stay single because I don't live a bad life.
 
Thanks for your honest replies ladies. I think my big issue is that I’m just not ready and I’m OK with that.

I’m just tired of people on my ear about it and it’s pissing me off. Even my house I recently purchased....”wow this is a big house just for ONE person where’s your boo?”o_O 1400 sq ft is not big at all lmao.


I’m well aware of how old I am and I’m well aware that I have left 5-10 years if that to have a kid. If I don’t oh well. I’m really not tripping.



Yesterday he came by for dinner and he offered to stay the night (we do not have sex he’s a strictly plantonic friend). I told him no I want to sleep alone. I’m trying not to make it awkward because I really do like him as a friend.

My saving grace is that I’m taking a job in Texas for 6 months so I don’t have to deal with this much longer. How I know there are no strong feelings is that he was dating a girl a few years ago and I felt no particular way about it. I was happy for him.

Also I got really annoyed while I was preparing dinner. I had to ask him if he liked mushrooms, peppers, onions in his spaghetti sauce. Tomatoes in the salad...if he liked Italian dressing....luckily he liked everything but I would have gotten extremely aggravated if he said no:rolleyes:
 
I think you are just happy living your life the way it is. Being in a relationship isn’t the end all, be all. There is more to life than that. Being content, isn’t being a commitment phobe. I think you ran, since he probably is a nice guy, and it made you question youself and feared your “freedom” being jeopardized.

When the right man that fits into your life comes along, you will know it.
Yes you are correct. I guess I don’t fear it but the thought of all this compromising and figuring things out right now is exhausting. Case in point my job. Since I’m a travel nurse I am away from home for extended amounts of time. If I was involved with someone else that required me to go home often ($$$$), him to visit sometimes ($$$$) constantly communicating via text, FaceTiming, etc. I get very turned off thinking about it. I’m not cut out for it.
 
@BillsBackerz67
You ain’t spending no time wit me... :lachen: or you ain’t never home, you should quit your job, I make enough for both of us..
Girl I don’t know.. I think you got a good thing going. A man would have to be just as busy, and ya’ll just plan extended vacations together.
:lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen:I always said the guy I ended up with would never be home...like a pilot or something:drunk: or just always busy and never home. I would totally date a surgeon since they are always on call but I can’t stand the personalities of most of the male docs I work with.
 
If I was involved with someone else that required me to go home often ($$$$), him to visit sometimes ($$$$) constantly communicating via text, FaceTiming, etc. I get very turned off thinking about it. I’m not cut out for it.

Yeaa since you put it like this I'm also going to stay opted out and just keep dating you. You have all your hair, a nice flat tummy, great vacay companion, like to eat out, and we don't bother each other.
 
:lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen:I always said the guy I ended up with would never be home...like a pilot or something:drunk: or just always busy and never home. I would totally date a surgeon since they are always on call but I can’t stand the personalities of most of the male docs I work with.

I have said almost the same things verbatim. The only way I could see marriage as palatable is if he had a job that required travel or he worked enough where I could have plenty of my cherished "me time". I also won't date surgeons for the same reason. Ironically, the couple relationships that I actually enjoyed and didn't feel bogged down were long distance :lol:. In the other normal relationships the guys would complain how they don't see me enough or I don't make enough time for them. I thought seeing each other on the weekends was enough but apparently we needed to be joined at the hip throughout the week.
 
Also I got really annoyed while I was preparing dinner. I had to ask him if he liked mushrooms, peppers, onions in his spaghetti sauce. Tomatoes in the salad...if he liked Italian dressing....luckily he liked everything but I would have gotten extremely aggravated if he said no:rolleyes:

This is like 95% the reason why I can't get into a relationship right now. My level of compromise diminishes almost daily...What if I liked all those things and he didn't? Would I have to create two separate meals? I don't even like cooking, definitely wouldn't feel like making two different things.

I feel like I spend a considerable amount of time thinking, for work and for life, and I don't really want to have to figure out another person's moods or personalities right now. It is extremely exhausting.

I also live 10,000 miles away from family so they only have something to say when I come home once a year and I'm still single :lachen:
 
You don't want him. He can be nice, employed, and love your dirty drawers but you don't want him. Not the season, and may not ever be. C'est la vie. Life is short keep doing what makes you happy with no regrets.


I don't think he's given her a chance to want him...she's just not actively looking for a man and men don't understand that some women are doing fine without them. You can't declare love Tuesday morning and we start dating that night. But I know that men think that they can have whomever they want whenever and however they want her. :rolleyes:
 
I have said almost the same things verbatim. The only way I could see marriage as palatable is if he had a job that required travel or he worked enough where I could have plenty of my cherished "me time". I also won't date surgeons for the same reason. Ironically, the couple relationships that I actually enjoyed and didn't feel bogged down were long distance :lol:. In the other normal relationships the guys would complain how they don't see me enough or I don't make enough time for them. I thought seeing each other on the weekends was enough but apparently we needed to be joined at the hip throughout the week.
I can not do LD. :(You’d think it was the perfect set up for me but no. I hate being on the phone, face timing, etc. if I’m into the person I actually do like having sex. And it would infringe on my “social life” I don’t do much but my luck an important event would always be on the same weekend he wants to visit. It’s exhausting constantly trying to plan and meet up. Once again I suck. :lachen::bangdesk:
 
I don't think he's given her a chance to want him and it's not really personal she's just not actively looking for a man and men don't understand that some women are doing fine without them. You can't declare love Tuesday morning and we start dating that night. But I know that men think that they can have whomever they want whenever and however they want her. :rolleyes:
BINGO! That too. I’ve known him for 7-8 years and all of a sudden these magical romantic feelings just came out of no where from his end. In his defense I was in Texas for almost 4 years so if I were him I wouldn’t have shooted my shot either but now that I’m back maybe he thought this could be it. I’ve seen love stories where long time companions have ended up married and all that jazz but idk if that works for me....like all of a sudden having sex? How? It’s an odd feeling.
 
This is like 95% the reason why I can't get into a relationship right now. My level of compromise diminishes almost daily...What if I liked all those things and he didn't? Would I have to create two separate meals? I don't even like cooking, definitely wouldn't feel like making two different things.

I feel like I spend a considerable amount of time thinking, for work and for life, and I don't really want to have to figure out another person's moods or personalities right now. It is extremely exhausting.

I also live 10,000 miles away from family so they only have something to say when I come home once a year and I'm still single :lachen:

Hmmmm maybe ur on to something. Maybe my job has desensitized my need for companionship from men. I cater to people all day and then to go home and have to do the same thing? Absolutely not. The last person I dated, said he’d never been treated so harshly when he was sick in his entire life. Whoops. :look: I’m sorry but I do this enough at work to people who actually NEED help and ur moping around the house because your nose is running? I’m sorry no compassion here. To this day he believes I treat my patients like I did him:lachen::rolleyes: I wasn’t mean. Just aloof, indifferent, and stayed away. It’s too much.
 
BINGO! That too. I’ve known him for 7-8 years and all of a sudden these magical romantic feelings just came out of no where from his end. In his defense I was in Texas for almost 4 years so if I were him I wouldn’t have shooted my shot either but now that I’m back maybe he thought this could be it. I’ve seen love stories where long time companions have ended up married and all that jazz but idk if that works for me....like all of a sudden having sex? How? It’s an odd feeling.


Hallmark really needs a "Chill out Bro, I don't know if I want to sit on your face" card collection.
 
I can not do LD. :(You’d think it was the perfect set up for me but no. I hate being on the phone, face timing, etc. if I’m into the person I actually do like having sex. And it would infringe on my “social life” I don’t do much but my luck an important event would always be on the same weekend he wants to visit. It’s exhausting constantly trying to plan and meet up. Once again I suck. :lachen::bangdesk:

I don’t mind the phone part but the events part would be tricky. In one of my LD relationships he lived about four hours away in South Florida area so I would happily visit him every other weekend because it was like taking a mini vacay. He’d take me out to all the hot social spots at night and hit the beach during the day. He did medical device sales and his territory was my city so about once a week we’d meet up in the middle of the week for dinner. I so loved that whole set up :lol:.
 
Don't put pressure on yourself to all of a sudden fall in love with a platonic male friend, simply b/c he is at that state with you. You may not be ready, but let's just say you are..still sounds likehe's not the one. He's your friend and that is how you want things to stay. Nothing wrong with that.

My best friend alludes to this. She's an Aquarian. :look: Whoever comes along will simply have to offer her a better deal than all of the things she enjoys about her single. It will be a tough sell.

This is so true (and I am a Sag btw, the ultimate committment phobes). I'm divorced and have been single for 11 years for this reason (randomly dating, but no relationship lasted longer than about 3-4 months). The men I met never had enough to offer me to even think about integrating them into my life in any significant way (I've posted my dating blues on this board before). When things would fall apart, I was indifferent, not feeling it was any real loss. I found it much easier on my spirit to be alone then deal with men who didn't compliment my life in a significant way. For the last two years, I chose to not really date at all, just didn't want to be bothered..and for the most part, been happy and content.

I say all that to say, this past February, I met someone who checks 8/10 boxes, with the 5 that are most important to me, checked. Someone who is interesting in the ways I want a man to be, chivalrous, doting, extremely generous, caring, considerate of my situation as a single mother and has already professed his intentions for our relationship. He has me thinking of a future with him in it. I never thought I would be at this point with someone, but I am grateful that I am. Things are moving fast, but it feels right in ways that not even my previous marriage did, so I am rolling with it.

When the right person comes along, your view on compromising your time and space will change. You'll want to do these things (maybe not all the time, but a good deal of it) b/c you want to share your life with that person.
 
I don’t know if this is actually commitment phobia it seems more like you just not into the guy friend that way with a dash of being set in your ways. It happens as we get more comfortable with life and ourselves.

I think once you meet the right guy that that feeling will change. Like right now, my SO has me mushier than a mutha which is abnormal for me :look:
 
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