Characteristics of emotionally unavailable men

I've struggled with being an emotionally unavailable woman-luckily I married a persistent and patient person. The funny thing is, it doesn't make people run away, they would run harder. :lol: I see women doing this,after emotionally unavailable men. Its hard to love people like us but I think it can happen. Don't box them in, don't control them.

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^^^ Yeah, its my new fav site. :yep:

Do_Si_Dos said:
I think they fear being hurt more than they are trying to hide things.

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I'm still confused. Are they fearful that the more we know the more ammo we have against them? Are they scared that people will judge them and the quality of their past relationship(s)? I really don't get it.
 
awhyley said:
I'm still confused. Are they fearful that the more we know the more ammo we have against them? Are they scared that people will judge them and the quality of their past relationship(s)? I really don't get it.
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I think it's really a trust issue.

But mitre's articles are all up in my business. I just realized that I've been emotionally unavailable for years. I recently started to open up....WOW WOW...SMDangH
 
It’s not a case of ‘you show me yours and I’ll show you mine’ – if you want a healthier relationship with an emotionally available person you need to be emotionally available yourself. It means taking real risks, not calculated, self-fulfilling prophecy risks with limited people that reflect your beliefs.


This right here is me AND it explains the type of relationships I've had with men and friends.

Just WOW, my mindset is going to changed. I'm willing to take risks (with in reasons for love).
 
KEIONI'S MOM said:
I feel emotionally unavailable men and serial monogmists go hand in hand:

My theory: these men never seem to able to be alone for more than a few months at a time if that. They seem like they are sooooooo into you but when things get are past the honeymoon stages they're ready to run. They always have these fantasies about the perfect relationships yet they are never consistent, willing to try, lie at the drop of a dime and most of them cheat in some form or another.

I've observed male friends who are serial monogomists and these guys are ruthless
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hmmm, you may have a point there.... but I think you're being a bit harsh here lol I can relate to this but for opposite reasons of many of the women in this thread. I don't do it intentionally and I don't consider myself ruthless but I'm a bit of a serial monogamist with a little bit I've commitmentphobia. I'll admit that I've been accused of being somewhat of a runaway bride more than a few times. I'm a perfectionist and I simply don't work well under pressure..... I'm the emotionally unavailable person in my relationships, this I know and have always known.I think this is why I've spent so much time in my relationships trying to convince the other person that I'm no good for them and will leave them broken/jaded/strung-out. I'm indecisive, I change my mind a lot. I've never been cheated on but I know that I am the most likely person to cheat.... I've even told my current SO that I'm a poor investment, he doesnt get it..... Anyone that thinks they will influence, convince me to feel differently or "make me fall in love" with them will be sadly mistaken & disappointed by me. I'll be ready on my own time, but today is not that day.....

At the same time, that doesn't mean I should be relegated to living life alone. The negative consequences of my emotional blockages I willingly accept for now so I don't live my life with guilt trip about relationships that didn't work out....I feel that most people know what they are getting into with me-- emotionally unavailable and all---I'm honest about my shortcomings, there are no surprises. Now whether or not the other person fully appreciates and accepts that reality is another story.....

so yea, ladies, stay away from emotionally unavailable partners, there is nothing you can do to help them through it or be "different" from the other women in their lives.......
 
Zaynab said:
I've struggled with being an emotionally unavailable woman-luckily I married a persistent and patient person. The funny thing is, it doesn't make people run away, they would run harder. :lol: I see women doing this,after emotionally unavailable men. Its hard to love people like us but I think it can happen. Don't box them in, don't control them.

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so there is hope for me! I'm working on tryna grow some feelings (sounds funny but I'm being serious).....

my current SO has been chasing after me for 10 years! He's convinced we're going to get married but idk who told him that. Yea, ok, I told him he will be my 1st husband :lol: IRL we/he doesn't have a title. I only use SO on here for simplicity purposes......My family thinks he's crazy! Actually, my mother asked him verbatim a few weeks ago "what's wrong with you???" :look::lachen: <- I was kinda pissed about that tho lol
 
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I see something wrong in being too emotionally available as well. Wrong only in the sense that it can bring people to make unhealthy choices for them in the long term.
 
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You're never enough
Emotionally cold
Needs constant reassurance
Comes off as confidant but really its Insecurity
Strings people along
Promises marriage but never does (he's even lived with three women for a total of 18 years and today he's living with someone)
Cheater

I remember that his dad promised to pick him up but he never did and at that point he decided no one was worthy of his love.
 
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This thread made me think. Another problem in relationships is when people BECOME emotionally unavailable overtime. I think, more than the availability, what makes a difference can be the reasons of that availability or unavailability. And above all: are they temporary or long lasting and why?
 
Zaynab said:
I've struggled with being an emotionally unavailable woman-luckily I married a persistent and patient person. The funny thing is, it doesn't make people run away, they would run harder. :lol: I see women doing this,after emotionally unavailable men. Its hard to love people like us but I think it can happen. Don't box them in, don't control them.

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My life. The only relationship I had that worked was with someone similar to how you've described your husband.
 
Great thread. I briefly dated someone like this years ago and he was exactly as these examples describe.

What a train wreck. Years later I heard he married some girl he met on vacation after only knowing her for a few days.
 
From Baggage Reclaim Link: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/

Here are just some of the signs that you’re with a Mr Unavailable.
If you find one sign, you’ll find many, but often one sign is enough and you should use this to evaluate whether this is the type of relationship that you actually want to be involved in because each and every one of these signs, especially when more than one of them exists, spell pain and trouble. Here goes…

  1. He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman.
  2. He’s recently separated – read my post on how to cope when he’s separated.
  3. Or he’s divorced but using that fact to avoid committing – see my post on ‘Am I right not to go back to my flip-flapping divorcee?‘
  4. He’s in a long distance relationship. With someone else. Or you’re in one with him and he has no desire to get closer – read my rough guide to a new long-distance relationship.
  5. He’s very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact – read my post on why you should be wary of any man who is reliant on text messaging etc.
  6. They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship – check out my post on defining the relationship.
  7. You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while.
  8. You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to abooty call.
  9. He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’. Check out other translations plus you can download a quick sheet of commitment avoidance phrases.
  10. When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hearand then returns to his normal behaviour, or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
  11. He lives with his ex.
  12. He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend.
  13. He admits that he is dating multiple womencontinuously.
  14. He’s openly not over his ex.
  15. He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship – yep, he’s not over his ex.
  16. He often mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them.
  17. He’s an overt mother lover or mummy’s/mama’s boy.
  18. He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother.
  19. He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
  20. He’s one big walking excuse.
  21. He’s abusive and in fact, he’s an assclown. Note, all assclowns, so that’s people who are shady and abusive, are unavailable and have empathy issues, but not all emotionally unavailable people are assclowns.
  22. He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
  23. He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else.
  24. He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating.
  25. He doesn’t come around to your place until late.
  26. He is resistant to involving himself in your life.
  27. He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way.
  28. He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up.
  29. He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship.
  30. He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
  31. He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ’emotion’.
  32. There are pockets of time when he disappears and then resurfaces with little or no explanation.
  33. He blows hot and cold.
  34. He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter – Future Faking, and Fast Forwarding
  35. He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with.
  36. He actually says, ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, but is still with you.
  37. He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by.
  38. He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay.
  39. Struggles with being genuinely empathetic. Hell, in some instances, he has about as much emotion
  40. He may act as if he has a fire in his pants and has to sleep with you right away or very quickly…. and then blows hot and cold. Or you just don’t hear from him again…until he taps you up for sex next time he’s fishing around for attention.
Make sure you are aware of the implications of red flags in relationships (also code red and amber behaviour) havinglittle or no boundaries.
 
I was dating someone briefly who was exactly this. he would shower me with gifts. he kept reiterating that i'm his woman...which i felt like in the beginning then we would hang 1 on 1 less and less..but he would insist, still, we're an item. we also did business together which made things a tad difficult for me to separate. so i just left him. i couldn't take it anymore. these people are so hard to love.....so hard.
 
Sweetg said:
I was dating someone briefly who was exactly this. he would shower me with gifts. he kept reiterating that i'm his woman...which i felt like in the beginning then we would hang 1 on 1 less and less..but he would insist, still, we're an item. we also did business together which made things a tad difficult for me to separate. so i just left him. i couldn't take it anymore. these people are so hard to love.....so hard.
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Yes, their words and actions don't match up. They say they care but you don't feel cared for. They say you are important to them but you don't feel like a priority. We have to trust how we feel more than what they say.
 
hopeful said:
Yes, their words and actions don't match up. They say they care but you don't feel cared for. They say you are important to them but you don't feel like a priority. We have to trust how we feel more than what they say.
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Quoted for emphasis!!!

I read this from another board which I also think is helpful:
"Emotionally unavailable men aren't capable of giving love. They like the idea of love and sometimes wear a mask and try to conform to a socially accepted relationship, but they are mentally ill so they can't. You are only needed on his terms. He cares nothing about you and completely drops you every time something better comes along; that's why he goes missing. When that's over he'll come back to you for an ego stroke, sex, company, boredom, loneliness. That is it. That is all. Not because of love."

Very narcissistic-like.
 
Sweetg said:
This guy had me thinking i was crazy at times...very short..fast paced relationship.
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They always are and that is a red flag in and of itself (fast-paced). They end just as quickly as they start.

ETA: The crazy-inducing behavior is called gas lighting. They do stuff to piss you off and when you call them out on it, they act like you are the one who's acting crazy as if their behavior didn't spark it (which usually results in lowering your expectations bc now you feel like maybe you are overreacting and maybe you really are acting crazy). Staying in these kinds of relationships will literally make you feel like you're losing your sanity.
 
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JustifiablyMe said:
Quoted for emphasis!!!

I read this from another board which I also think is helpful:
"Emotionally unavailable men aren't capable of giving love. They like the idea of love and sometimes wear a mask and try to conform to a socially accepted relationship, but they are mentally ill so they can't. You are only needed on his terms. He cares nothing about you and completely drops you every time something better comes along; that's why he goes missing. When that's over he'll come back to you for an ego stroke, sex, company, boredom, loneliness. That is it. That is all. Not because of love."

Very narcissistic-like.
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But some of them end up in relationships and seemingly loving and dedicated to their partner ..
 
^^^"Seemingly" is the key word here. Some are able to hide behind the mask longer than others. But eventually their true colors will always surface.
 
JustifiablyMe said:
^^^"Seemingly" is the key word here. Some are able to hide behind the mask longer than others. But eventually their true colors will always surface.
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Would you say a 38 year old guy with relationships no longer than 1 year amongst other signs already mentioned is one ? A man who texts you but doesn't ask you out ,if you ask claims he s busy,only texts ,disappears and comes back. Invites you out and then cancels last minute .
 
^^^The 38 year old guy, yes, absolutely. That is a huge red flag. The other things could just be typical behavior of someone who's playing the field - immature, not looking for a relationship or already in one, using you to kill his boredom, or as an option, etc. They are def dating red flags but not exactly personality disorder flags. At least not in my opinion. Either way they should be avoided.
 
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Kindheart said:
Would you say a 38 year old guy with relationships no longer than 1 year amongst other signs already mentioned is one ? A man who texts you but doesn't ask you out ,if you ask claims he s busy,only texts ,disappears and comes back. Invites you out and then cancels last minute .
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If a guy only texts but doesn't ask you out, says he's busy when you pursue, and when he does ask you out cancels last minute, he is not interested, is not that into you. Based on what you described I would be more concerned about the young lady that is interested in a guy that has shown so little effort or interest. As women we have to set standards and stand by them. If a man only texts and doesn't call and ask you out, there is nothing to ask or discuss. He is wasting your time. You can't really tell if he is UE or not because there isn't a real relationship to see if that is the case.
 
This is a great thread. I have been trying to figure out if I stay in my current relationship or let it go. I have a history of walking away when things get to be too much - but after reading this list I think I do so with good cause. With my current situation I see a few things
He tells me he has a lot going on but does not elaborate
He never calls me his girlfriend or any of those terms
He is preoccupied with my ex's who do not contact me other than wishing me happy birthday, happy mothers day etc
He doesn’t ask me to come around to his place until late.
I am thinking this may not be the relationship for me to figure out how to build intimacy
 
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