Why is it when a couple divorces their families are expected to divorce too? My sister was terribly hurt because we refused to give up our brother in law. One of my uncles got divorced and it took him a long time to get over the fact that his mom still treated his wife like a daughter. Family develops relationships too and just because a couple splits doesn't mean their families will. I know that my husband's family is this way too so if we divorced (particularly because of some violation) it would very hard to be around family during and after the divorce, but I understand that people have developed relationships outside of me. How do you feel about this? Does your family have a hard time letting go?
But we don't want a divorce!!!
- Thread starter justNikki
- Start date
DarlingNikki
Well-Known Member
I think when children are involved it's important for both families to continue getting along. My cousin and her husband got divorced after 15 years of marriage but we still love him and treat him as part of the family.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
I do think it's kind of unfair to the "new" wife or husband or boyfriend/girlfriend.
I felt the same way when my sister divorced after 10 years. Hey, we really liked her husband, still do. But we don't really communicate anymore unless it's a birthday - we send text messages to congratulate.
It's one of the reasons I don't like breakups...
But they happen all the time...
You just have to move on and pretend that you like the new man. Oh well...
It's really difficult when some people break up every 3-4 years and expect you to welcome their new man with open arms
I felt the same way when my sister divorced after 10 years. Hey, we really liked her husband, still do. But we don't really communicate anymore unless it's a birthday - we send text messages to congratulate.
It's one of the reasons I don't like breakups...
But they happen all the time...
You just have to move on and pretend that you like the new man. Oh well...
It's really difficult when some people break up every 3-4 years and expect you to welcome their new man with open arms
I do think it's kind of unfair to the "new" wife or husband or boyfriend/girlfriend.
I felt the same way when my sister divorced after 10 years. Hey, we really liked her husband, still do. But we don't really communicate anymore unless it's a birthday - we send text messages to congratulate.
It's one of the reasons I don't like breakups...
But they happen all the time...
You just have to move on and pretend that you like the new man. Oh well...
It's really difficult when some people break up every 3-4 years and expect you to welcome their new man with open arms
Very Honest post,...
Hard to support the "new" person in the relationship at the same time not wanting to offend the sibling/relative.
Very tough.
Divorce is tough for everyone including extended family and friends
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
Ditto. We don't have many divorces in the family but when they happen, it's awful for everyone. It's even worse for the kids who no longer attend the traditional family events because they are with the other parent.
biancaelyse
New Member
If I thought my maintaining a relationship with one of my sibling's exes was causing him or her pain, I'd let it go. I wouldn't want that person to come between me and my sibling.
My sister was chummy with my college bf after we broke up and she fed him information about me even though I asked her not to. I felt as though she was being spiteful because she had little to do with him while we dated.
To this day, I don't trust her and our relationship as sisters has never been the same.
My sister was chummy with my college bf after we broke up and she fed him information about me even though I asked her not to. I felt as though she was being spiteful because she had little to do with him while we dated.
To this day, I don't trust her and our relationship as sisters has never been the same.
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
My divorce is the first one in my immediate/close family. I try not to think about how much I despise my ex, but if I knew my family was still doing things with him, I'd be pissed. The ex tried to do that when we first got divorced. Ummmm no!
He couldn't be bothered with my fam during the marriage, why now? My parents/brother know what I went through while married. I would be hurt and feel betrayed if they have anything to do with him.
ETA: We have no kids. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!
He couldn't be bothered with my fam during the marriage, why now? My parents/brother know what I went through while married. I would be hurt and feel betrayed if they have anything to do with him.ETA: We have no kids. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!
We don't act funny with the new mates AT ALL. Matter of fact, we have tend to embrace new mates on both sides (unless there was an affair during the marriage and this is the floosy that he/she cheated with). We just have trouble letting go of our in-laws that we've always loved and that have always been a part of every family event. We don't do it to spite anyone. It just happens. Divorce is hard for everyone involved and we don't let go of loved ones easily. The intentions are good.
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
DH and my mom are really, REALLY fond of each other, and God forbid we were to divorce, I wouldn't expect my mom to stop sending him holiday cards, and him to stop sending her flowers. DH had some relatives that I absolutely adore, and I would still be friends with them if something happened between us.
I really think people involved in divorce situations or people marrying someone who is a divorcee need to learn to be more emotionally mature. Everything ain't about you.
I really think people involved in divorce situations or people marrying someone who is a divorcee need to learn to be more emotionally mature. Everything ain't about you.
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When divorced, come back and see if you feel like this?
You can't comment about an emotional experience you have not been through personally, sorry.
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
I am divorced, this is my second marriage. So yes I can comment.
I married a man who had a child with an ex he was not even married to, and when I went to visit his parents in Maine, I found out that out of respect for me, they took down the picture of the ex they had in the family room. Mind you, they didn't even know her well, having met her only once, but because she was the mother of his only child, she was included there. I told them they can put the picture back, that she was indeed family, and that I was not bothered.
So yes I can comment. And I will say it again, people involved in divorce or married to people who are divorced need to grow the heaven up and be more mature about the whole situation. Everything is not about you.
I married a man who had a child with an ex he was not even married to, and when I went to visit his parents in Maine, I found out that out of respect for me, they took down the picture of the ex they had in the family room. Mind you, they didn't even know her well, having met her only once, but because she was the mother of his only child, she was included there. I told them they can put the picture back, that she was indeed family, and that I was not bothered.
So yes I can comment. And I will say it again, people involved in divorce or married to people who are divorced need to grow the heaven up and be more mature about the whole situation. Everything is not about you.
chocolatemom_of_3
New Member
I'm going to agree with this. This is a lot of the reasons I think divorces DON'T really happen in my family. just cause YOU don't like sis-in-law anymore does not mean that woman has done anything to me...
Lynnehermena
Member
I have been divorced. I think that during the time you are with your ex - you really don't want to tell all of the bad throughout the family. That is because then they will ask you "why are you still with him?" So then when you finally get ready to divorce you load them up with all of the years of crap you have been through.
I think it is hard for them to develop an immdiate dis-connect with your ex. My mom still gave her old car to my ex after we divorced. And my ex was trying to bad mouth me to my family when he went to pick up the car. But I am thankful that my sister and mom didn't listen to a thing and still loved me for who I was.
My mother did discourage me from getting a divorce. But, over the years, I have moved on and my family accepts my current husband as my husband.
-Lynne
I think it is hard for them to develop an immdiate dis-connect with your ex. My mom still gave her old car to my ex after we divorced. And my ex was trying to bad mouth me to my family when he went to pick up the car. But I am thankful that my sister and mom didn't listen to a thing and still loved me for who I was.
My mother did discourage me from getting a divorce. But, over the years, I have moved on and my family accepts my current husband as my husband.
-Lynne
Supergirl
With Love & Silk
I guess I understand your sister's POV, but I really admire your mentality on this. What happens between that couple was between them, and if it was not abuse or major disrespect I see no reason for the in-law family to treat the non-blood spouse unfairly and mean. My mom was treated like this by dad's fam after their divorce. It was just WRONG. Big Mama & Big Daddy and an aunt and uncle were still very sweet, but all the other aunts acted like fools.
Makenzie
Well-Known Member
I don't see it as immaturity. The pain I experienced in my marriage was real. My parents/brother know what they know....... now. They didn't know the things I was going through at the time because I was trying my best to make it work. When I finally made the decision to leave it was even harder because divorce is just not done in my immediate/close family.
When my brother was getting married my ex called him up asking can him come to the wedding. What? My brother rightfully said 'no, my sister wouldn't be comfortable with that'. During the marriage he talked about my family bad, refused to drive 30 minutes to see them because of gas prices and now you want to be up in their faces? No. I'm not being immature when I realize a person is still playing mind games.
When my brother was getting married my ex called him up asking can him come to the wedding. What? My brother rightfully said 'no, my sister wouldn't be comfortable with that'. During the marriage he talked about my family bad, refused to drive 30 minutes to see them because of gas prices and now you want to be up in their faces? No. I'm not being immature when I realize a person is still playing mind games.
biancaelyse
New Member
I guess it depends on the rel'p itself. I am not that close to any of the inlaws that my siblings have chosen to marry so for me it would be very simple to sever ties. We don't even live in the same cities so we don't spend that much time together. I have seen some families where the person who marries into the family is very close and attached so it would be hard to break ties.
Also I think the reason of the breakup is a factor. Let's say the husband cheats on the wife. Should she be shunned by his family if they divorce?
I don't know and hope to never find out.
Also I think the reason of the breakup is a factor. Let's say the husband cheats on the wife. Should she be shunned by his family if they divorce?
I don't know and hope to never find out.
DragonPearl
Well-Known Member
If a spouse didn't have a good relationship with the in-laws during the marriage, then of course they're not expected to continue the relationship after divorce. And if one spouse did serious dirt to the other spouse, you can't really expect the spouse family to be friendly with the him/her. Same thing is an ex-spouse is being a nuisance. I think everyone can understand that.
But that's not the gist of the original post. The question is, do all relationships with in-laws (even the good relationships where they genuinely like each other) supposed to be automatically terminated because of divorce?
lonelysky
Baby Chick Gate 2011
I had basically the same thing happen that was mentioned in the OP happen in my family.
When my mom and step dad divorced, my aunts, uncle, and cousin had a hard time disconnecting. It made for some bad times.
Divorce is a human tragedy (most of the time).
eta: I think that it is hard for famlies to loose a relative that has become close to the family.
When my mom and step dad divorced, my aunts, uncle, and cousin had a hard time disconnecting. It made for some bad times.
Divorce is a human tragedy (most of the time).
eta: I think that it is hard for famlies to loose a relative that has become close to the family.
LoveLiLi
Well-Known Member
No one comes before my family. If my one of my siblings gets married to someone and we love and accept them - great. Once that person has done something to my family member and they break-up, then they become a distant memory. If my sister/brother is wrong I will rip them a new one and still disconnect from the ex. I'm not allowing a relationship with a family member's ex to cause strain in the relationship I have with a loved one 
.
If children were involved then we would expect them to be as civil as possible for the children's sake and allow them to come to family functions (as long s there was no abuse/cheating) but I'm not going to do anything that makes my siblings uncomfortable.
.If children were involved then we would expect them to be as civil as possible for the children's sake and allow them to come to family functions (as long s there was no abuse/cheating) but I'm not going to do anything that makes my siblings uncomfortable.
No one comes before my family. If my one of my siblings gets married to someone and we love and accept them - great. Once that person has done something to my family member and they break-up, then they become a distant memory. If my sister/brother is wrong I will rip them a new one and still disconnect from the ex. I'm not allowing a relationship with a family member's ex to cause strain in the relationship I have with a loved one
If children were involved then we would expect them to be as civil as possible for the children's sake and allow them to come to family functions (as long s there was no abuse/cheating) but I'm not going to do anything that makes my siblings uncomfortable.
But how is this seem as putting someone before your family? My sister left my brother in law because they no longer had anything in common. What does that have to do with us? My uncle and his wife divorced amicably, but he was uncomfortable with us still being close to her and we can't figure out why. If the situation were that we had ill feelings about the inlaw, and of course we've felt that way about someone, we don't flinch when they're gone. It's the loved ones you haven't had issues with that makes it hard. Choosing sides is just not the issue. We wouldn't have any bad-mouthing either. These are people who've always been there for us when we needed them, sometimes even more than blood relatives, people who have enriched our lives somehow. It's sad to think of letting these people go because the two people who brought you together no longer want to be together. Those of you who feel a break-up should equal divoricing the family too, do you think that step parents should cut off relationships with step children because of a break-up? I'm just curious.
LoveLiLi
Well-Known Member
My sisters are early twenties - not married. The older one had a relationship with a guy that was long-term and he was so sweet. I still like him, but I know that he and my sister no longer speak and she doesn't want to see him at family functions and would be uncomfortable with us being close. Since I'm aware of this, I wouldn't be close to him knowing that it would hurt her feelings. If I hang out with any of her exes knowing that she's hurt by it then I feel as if I'm putting that relationship before the relationship I have with my sister.
To the second bolded question, if the parents split but are still friendly, then I think the step-parent shouldn't abandon children that they developed a bond with and raised as their own. If you have accepted a child as your own then walking away is just as hurtful as a biological parent walking away after a divorce. However, I have noticed that depending upon the child and their age some step-parents are never accepted and if they are no longer around it is a relief to both the step-child and the step parent.
If a negative situation existed before the split, then making the step-parent a thing of the past for everyone involved may not be such a bad idea.
For example (even though he wasn't a step-parent), my dad was a misogynist and very abusive toward my mother. It hurt to not have a daddy around, but I think it would have hurt more to see my mom severely beaten and possibly killed. Some people aren't worth being around. I don't think the situations are the same, but there's my view on both of them.
spelmanlocks
Well-Known Member
If the relationship with the ex brother in law or sis in law was going to cause problems between me and my sibling then yes I would limit the relationship. My family comes first, no questions asked. I am very close to my brother and sister and could not imagine maintaining a relationship with their ex if it was going to cause them a lot of pain. That seems insensitive in my opinion. If you do maintain a relationship at least try not to talk about that person with your family is around, because I imagine they probably don't want to hear it.
Finesse
Active Member
I think the family has a hard time letting go if the person the family member was married to never did anything wrong to their family member that they could see.....no one knows what goes on behind closed door
People that have been married for a while can fake the fun like no other people on earth 
So when you hear that so and so are divorcing everyone is soooo shocked and hurt.
