BIG ISSUE

W

watchmegrow

New Member
I am in a relationship with someone who just knocks me off my feet. We've been working together for a year and just started the relationship about a month and a half ago. His family likes me and same with mines. We do everything together, church, even fishing. I have a daughter, he has two children. Our kids get along with both families. What I'm saying is that it seems like this is the man I've been praying for. The problem is He got another female pregnant before we got together, and I just found out. The baby is almost due. I'm at work right now and feel like dying. I can't say he cheated but he should have told me upfront. I don't know what to do ya'll my heart is hurting.
 
how did you find out?

six weeks is still fairly early into a relationship if you found out on a fluke from somebody else besides him at this point he may have been trying to hide it from you, if he told you himself it could be because after six weeks he feels he may be wanting to get serious with you and wants to put it out there....
 
He told me. And his exact words were that we were getting serious and he can't take it anymore so he wanted to let me know.
 
Well, because this situation was in play before you all got together, I understand his desire to keep it to himself. It doesn't really have anything to do with you and your relationship now. What you have to figure out is if you want to deal with a man that has a newborn on the way and everything that this relationship will entail.

Good luck. That is a lot to deal with, but if you love him and are willing to deal with that situation, I say go for it. Six weeks is a short time to get so serious with someone, but you have to decide what's best for you and your daughter.
 
Oh dear. So sorry. Take a deep breath and think this through. You have only been together a month and a half. Does he have other children? By different women? Take your time and see how your relationship plays out. His world has changed immensely. See how he handles it before you decide on how serious to let this relationship become.
 
watchmegrow said:
He told me. And his exact words were that we were getting serious and he can't take it anymore so he wanted to let me know.
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We can say we prefer people to be upfront and honest from the get go but the reality is that most people aren't and honesty isn't something that most people actually "like"....

if he had told you from the get go he currently had another woman pregnant what do you think your initial reaction and judgement of him would of been? would you have embarked on a relationship with him?

he may not have known he was gonna fall for you in the beginning as he has or he may have liked you alot in the beginning and could of thought that telling you may have made you not want to talk to him....fear of rejection and judgement keeps alot of folks from being completely honest in the beginning stages....

however on the flip side not being honest up front means he has his own fears, but on the same token its selfish because it did take away your choice to decide if it was a situation you wanted to become involved in and now that you have feelings invested you will have to deal with different emotions involved around it that would not have been there in the beginning

were all living, learning, loving, growing and experiencing in this life....

feel your hurt and if you need time to yourself step away (which may be slightly difficult if you work together...maybe take a few days off) if you want to keep communicating with him through it be totally honest with how you feel and if you are even thinking of staying with him work completely through this until its resolved and complete understanding on both ends and decide if its something you can deal with...another woman, a new baby isn't a small matter and will take alot of trust, understanding and support on your end

one thing to remember is to feel your emotions but don't let your emotions dictate your true feelings..emotions come and go, your heart will let you know if this relationship is the best thing for you or not

best to you in this situation
 
I don't understand what the issue is, here.

If it's the fact that he didn't tell you about the child until now - I honestly think that's a moot point. You were okay with two, what's the deal with three? The fact that the youngest is more recent? You weren't with him 8 months ago, so it's not an issue of infidelity.
And only 6 weeks into a relationship seems about the right time - late enough to be certain you are worthy of knowing/will be around long enough for it to matter, and early enough that ya'll aren't so tightly intertwined that if it's a issue worthy of breaking up over, you won't have lost but a few weeks of time.

If it's the fact that he's X years old, and is still rawdogging after having learned twice before what results from that, that seems to be a warning as to what your sexual life with him should require.

If it's the idea that two kids are okay, but three is pushing it - okay, I can see that, but it seems rather - odd. Is it more the idea that two mothers is okay (assuming his older two are from different women) but three is too many?

Is it an issue that his older two are old enough to be in college, and out of ya'lls shared life?

Why, I guess is my question, is the news of a man who has two children conceiving a third before he even though about getting with you heartbreaking?
 
y wouldnt u tell someone this upfront--im expecting a child---

it dif from i was in jail...

expecting a child is a huge deal--and impacts all lives involved--

not sayin what u should do--im sure u will do what u feel right but dude---respect me enough to let me knowwwwwwwwwwww


ok u were scared--but come on bro
 
I'm sorry this happened to you. Please forgive me while I go into Mama mode. These are the questions I would ask you if you were my daughter. I'll just rattle them off:

What relationship does he have with the mother-to-be?

What changed for them in the last nine months?

Was their breakup due to the pregnancy?

Are they really broken up?

What role does he expect to play in their future?

New mothers can be very (rightfully) needy of their spouses/SO's/children's fathers. Are you prepared for the possibility that he may spend more time with her and his baby?

Can you respect him if he does NOT spend time with his newborn?

What does all of this say about the type of man he is?

Is two months enough time to know?
 
Not a fan of people who omit details of a BIG TRUTH to get what they want. He's a great guy, but he should have let you made that decision with knowledge of all that was going in his life...yes, a baby is important especially if she was THAT FAR ALONG.
 
I don't know. Six weeks in seems long enough to be certain that you want a coworker to know that you are about to have another child - that's a good spot between 'just friends' and 'serious relationship' in my mind.

*shrug*

Maybe y'all tell every new man in your life every thing that's going on in your life that might affect you long-term after the first date, but personally, I'm not trying to share all my personal information with someone I might not even like all that much.

And considering he already had kids, it's not like him now having a child would be that big of an issue for her. :look: If she's not worried about the demands his other childrens parents might put on him, what would make one assume she would turn him down because there is another one in the picture?

If this was his first child, I could understand. But it's his third. :look:
 
I thank all of you for the advice. I have a lot to think about. I'm upset because he didn't tell me. I can't lie, it's a big chance I wouldn't have went into another level of getting to know him if I knew upfront. I'ts just a crush because I've known him for the year and were just starting to blossom and he just hit me with this today. Maybe it's also the idea that I'm with a man that I'm starting to get serious with and another woman is ABOUT to have his baby. I remember when we talked on the phone once and I said that things are going too good between us and that the devil will get busy.
 
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I've been through this so I can tell you exactly what I did.

About seven years ago I met a great guy. I had two kids and he didn't have any. About a month after dating I found out that he had a baby on the way. I was moreso mad about him not telling me about it than anything else. I mean if I have two kids it's not like I'd be unwilling to accept the fact that you had one. And I was mad for him being an adult and not using protection.

He said he didn't want to tell me because he wasn't sure if the baby was his or not. Still he should have let me know.

Anyone we stopped dating and just became casual friends. I told him that I liked him but didn't want to get too involved until all issues were resolved with he and the other girl and I knew that wouldn't be until at least after the baby was born. I told him that I knew him well enough at that point to know that if at all possible he would want to be with his child everyday and be with the mother of any children he had.

Well she had the baby, he was there for her, but they never developed a relationship and just coparented. And that worked out okay. We started back dating about 6 months after that and eventually got married. Still happily married today.

I urged him to get a paternity test after the baby was born, but he just never did. He finally decided to get one about three years ago. The baby was/is not his. :sad:

We still talk to her on the phone (we live in a different state now) and see "his daughter" when possible. She still doesn't know DH is not her dad and we're okay with that for right now. But that's getting off into another subject.

Anyway I'd evaluate why they broke up in the first place and be absolutely sure that relationship is over and done with before going any further.

I only liked him at the point that he told me and definitely wasn't in love so it wasn't a big loss to me anyway when I told him to work on the relationship with her first.

Good Luck.
 
watchmegrow said:
I thank all of you for the advice. I have a lot to think about. I'm upset because he didn't tell me. I can't lie, it's a big chance I wouldn't have went into another level of getting to know him if I knew upfront. I'ts just a crush because I've known him for the year and were just starting to blossom and he just hit me with this today. Maybe it's also the idea that I'm with a man that I'm starting to get serious with and another woman is ABOUT to have his baby. I remember when we talked on the phone once and I said that things are going too good between us and that the devil will get busy.
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I'm with some of the other posters in that I always wonder how a man who has an (ex?) girlfriend/jumpoff/whatever pregnant can so easily move on to start dating another woman and talk about building a life with her when not long ago, he was potentially saying the same to another woman. He's willing to move on THAT quickly? And if she was a jumpoff, then I'm mad that he was careless enough to be raw-dogging it....

Then, if a man is about to become a father, then I'd question his priorities... I'd be expecting him to be focusing on his new child (and by default, the mother of said child), not moving on to the next woman. If he's doing that to someone else, then what "might" he do to me if he gets bored with me? (And hopefully, I wouldn't be pregnant).

Also, folks blame the devil too much for stuff that people do by their own volition. The devil didn't get busy in this situation... ole boy is just a liar (by omission) and perhaps not the great guy he made himself out to be.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide, but I know that one of my rules is not dating a man with a newborn and CERTAINLY not a man who has a baby on the way.
 
I'd personally pump the brakes on this one and exit since it seems to really be bothering you. 6 weeks isn't that long..y'all could still be in the infatuation stage at this point.

My biggest question would be why he isn't with the expectant mother. How old is this guy?
 
michelle81 said:
I've been through this so I can tell you exactly what I did.

About seven years ago I met a great guy. I had two kids and he didn't have any. About a month after dating I found out that he had a baby on the way. I was moreso mad about him not telling me about it than anything else. I mean if I have two kids it's not like I'd be unwilling to accept the fact that you had one. And I was mad for him being an adult and not using protection.

He said he didn't want to tell me because he wasn't sure if the baby was his or not. Still he should have let me know.

Anyone we stopped dating and just became casual friends. I told him that I liked him but didn't want to get too involved until all issues were resolved with he and the other girl and I knew that wouldn't be until at least after the baby was born. I told him that I knew him well enough at that point to know that if at all possible he would want to be with his child everyday and be with the mother of any children he had.

Well she had the baby, he was there for her, but they never developed a relationship and just coparented. And that worked out okay. We started back dating about 6 months after that and eventually got married. Still happily married today.

I urged him to get a paternity test after the baby was born, but he just never did. He finally decided to get one about three years ago. The baby was/is not his. :sad:

We still talk to her on the phone (we live in a different state now) and see "his daughter" when possible. She still doesn't know DH is not her dad and we're okay with that for right now. But that's getting off into another subject.

Anyway I'd evaluate why they broke up in the first place and be absolutely sure that relationship is over and done with before going any further.

I only liked him at the point that he told me and definitely wasn't in love so it wasn't a big loss to me anyway when I told him to work on the relationship with her first.

Good Luck.
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thanks for your post (hitting thanks wasnt enough :)) and i def think the op should step a way for a couple of months. let him figure out whatever/be there for the new baby. and then figure out if they should continue dating
 
It sounds like alot to be involved in right now. You've been dating for about 6 weeks....I don't know.

I'm never the one to give relationship advice, but I will say, you might want to think about this.

You have a child, he'll have three...that's already four kids between the two of you. Maybe it's my selfishness but a situation like that (four children - three that aren't yours) is adding ALOT to the equation. Not to mention that he clearly isn't the mose "careful" man in the world.

When I was single, I was anti-men with children (DH doesn't have any, I wouldn't have dated him if he did...but that's neither here nor there. lol), I couldn't even fathom a man with a child "on the way." Just sounds like alot of drama can come of it.
 
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JustKiya said:
And considering he already had kids, it's not like him now having a child would be that big of an issue for her. :look:
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You don't think his leaving a woman that he has impregnated and moving on to the next chick while the kid is still cooking is a big deal? Um, yeah :lol:.
 
Avaya said:
You don't think his leaving a woman that he has impregnated and moving on to the next chick while the kid is still cooking is a big deal? Um, yeah :lol:.
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Some don't. SMH

I think he's best left dealing with what he has ahead of him (this newest child and the mother) personally.

Men "dating" while having a child on the way says alot to me. If the child was concieved on some jump-off type thing, it says he isn't responsible and has questionable judgement and perhaps health. If the child was concieved via "relationship," that says even more when the man is out dating while someone he was involved with is pregnant.

Dating a man with kids is one thing, dating a man with a child on the way....whoo chile. :lachen:
 
if said girl was cheating on him and he found out and he bounced and then found out she was preggo would you still feel the same way about him not being with the mom?

What if the relationship was already fizzling?

What if she hit him and he bounced and then found out she was preggo?

You cant always jump to conclusions bc the man aint with a chick that is suposed to be preggo for him
 
NOEChic said:
if said girl was cheating on him and he found out and he bounced and then found out she was preggo would you still feel the same way about him not being with the mom?

What if the relationship was already fizzling?

What if she hit him and he bounced and then found out she was preggo?

You cant always jump to conclusions bc the man aint with a chick that is suposed to be preggo for him
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IF any of these things occurred, the man still should probably be spending time ALONE and concentrating on the upcoming birth of yet another mouth he has to feed as opposed to trying to involve himself in another relationship.

A woman is only pregnant for 9 months (which really isn't long at all)...there isn't that much "rebounding" in the world especially not with a child on the way...if any or all of those things are the reason for said man not to be with the mother, he should be a little too....hurt, maybe to go falling head over heels for someone else in LESS THAN 9 measly months. :look:
 
Lboogie said:
IF any of these things occurred, the man still should probably be spending time ALONE and concentrating on the upcoming birth of yet another mouth he has to feed as opposed to trying to involve himself in another relationship.

A woman is only pregnant for 9 months (which really isn't long at all)...there isn't that much "rebounding" in the world especially not with a child on the way...if any or all of those things are the reason for said man not to be with the mother, he should be a little too....hurt, maybe to go falling head over heels for someone else in LESS THAN 9 measly months. :look:
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i had just been divorced for 2 months, but my marriage had been over for over a yr b4 my divorce was final. Once i was done, i was already ready to move on and did
 
I think six weeks is way too short for you to be introducing your daughter to him and family and likewise for him.

Take a deep breathe and take a step back. Ask him for the reason he kept this from you and move on from there.
 
HairBarbie said:
I think six weeks is way too short for you to be introducing your daughter to him and family and likewise for him.

Take a deep breathe and take a step back. Ask him for the reason he kept this from you and move on from there.
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:thankyou:
 
He may have been the man you were praying for, but his failure to be straight up from the getgo about the impending birth of his third (?) child with the same woman doesn't quite convince me that God sent him for you.
 
Connie said:
He may have been the man you were praying for, but his failure to be straight up from the getgo about the impending birth of his third (?) child with the same woman doesn't quite convince me that God sent him for you.
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no that could mean that he was not listening to God. He can still be Heaven sent.
 
Ok, so this is the same woman that he has two children with already? Either way, he's not being honest about everything. I can already tell you that they've recently broken up, hence the reason you two have been working together for a year but only recently started dating six weeks ago. They are probably on a "break" now and he's kickin it with you. I would run as far away as possible from him AND his family. How could they (especially his mother) be ok with him having a baby on the way and be with someone else? :ohwell: And once the baby comes and the mother wants him around more, how will that make you eel? And how would YOU feel if he neglected her/child for you? It couldn't be me. :nono:
 
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