Being More Affectionate

[w332]

Hi Ladies! I've been accused of being too aloof in relationships. It's true too! I think several factors contribute to this. My parents were not very affectionate growing up, and my work requires me to do boring/tedious tasks all day. As a result, I feel drained at the end of the day. Weekends are my time to unwind and recharge, and lately, it has been hard to really enjoy life as much because my job is becoming more demanding and taking up a lot of mental space. I find myself feeling detached from my emotions, and I'm afraid this will affect my relationships as it has in the past.

Some strategies for dealing with it that I think may work are: 1) getting a different job that isn't so draining and boring, and 2) getting involved in social events that get me excited and give me a change of pace from my usual daily routine.

Any other suggestions? Men like it when we're happy and busy. They can also tell when we're not head over heels in love- I do feel love but my life right now is structured in a way that it's hard to connect with those loving feelings sometimes so I can share them with others. Anyone understand what I mean and have any idea how to fix this? (I feel like Tara on LHHNY- she said she's tired a lot which affects her relationship with Peter meanwhile Amina is happy and free, and he married her- without the job stress, I'd feel A LOT happier, freer, and in touch with my emotions).

 

[Jazzmommy]

Hi Ladies! I've been accused of being too aloof in relationships. It's true too! I think several factors contribute to this. My parents were not very affectionate growing up, and my work requires me to do boring/tedious tasks all day. As a result, I feel drained at the end of the day. Weekends are my time to unwind and recharge, and lately, it has been hard to really enjoy life as much because my job is becoming more demanding and taking up a lot of mental space. I find myself feeling detached from my emotions, and I'm afraid this will affect my relationships as it has in the past.

Some strategies for dealing with it that I think may work are: 1) getting a different job that isn't so draining and boring, and 2) getting involved in social events that get me excited and give me a change of pace from my usual daily routine.

Any other suggestions? Men like it when we're happy and busy. They can also tell when we're not head over heels in love- I do feel love but my life right now is structured in a way that it's hard to connect with those loving feelings sometimes so I can share them with others. Anyone understand what I mean and have any idea how to fix this? (I feel like Tara on LHHNY- she said she's tired a lot which affects her relationship with Peter meanwhile Amina is happy and free, and he married her- without the job stress, I'd feel A LOT happier, freer, and in touch with my emotions).

I hear what you are saying. For me a lot of it has to do with my personality type (Myers Briggs) and being a busy single mom. It's something that isn't natural for me, and I have to put forth the extra effort.. whew.. tired just thinking about it. lol

 

[Latifah]

It went easier when I started doing more things I like in my spare time. All about balance. You can have a ****ty job but sometimes it isn't something you can change right away. So try to make it work. Shift focus. If it's possible put in your fav music/uplifting music or even listening to stand up comedy. Don't stay at your desk/ in the office during your break. Really take a break from the work you're doing. Dress up! Helps to feel good.

And try to do something fun in your spare time after work on a regular. I started dancing lessons (kizomba). Met a lot of ppl, stared going out more etc. All about feeling good and being affectionate towards yourself. It makes showing affection towards othets easier/almost like second nature.

 

[w332]

^^^Great ideas! Thank you. I do push myself hard and rarely take breaks. Maybe with pampering myself more I will be sweeter to others- going to make a conscious effort to do this! I can at least do the best I can do with this and leave it at that.

 

[w332]

Even if it means taking "mental health days" off of work.

 

[Jazzmommy]

Even if it means taking "mental health days" off of work.

Funny you mention that.. I have a planned " mental health day" on Monday.

 

[Mai Tai]

I think society places a lot of pressure on women to work and take care of a home all while being nurturing and loving all the time.

I completely understand how you feel. My job is VERY demanding and when I get home I sometimes am just not in the mood to be loving. I find that when I focus on actually taking care of myself, I am a lot happier and more pleasant to be around.

These few things have helped me a lot and I hope they help you:
-Self-Pampering: I make sure I keep my nails, feet, and hair done because it makes me happy. I budget a little money every month to shop for beauty products, clothes and shoes.
-Developing a Serious Hobby: Something that is totally non-related to your career. I blog, and vlog when the mood strikes. The feeling of accomplishment I feel when I post a new YouTube video makes me feel like I can take on the world thus making me less moody.
-Reminding Myself: I have a good man and I remind myself often that he is deserving of my smiles, my hugs, and my kisses. Men have feelings too and they can tell when you are distant and cold. If you have a good dude, make it a habit to remind yourself.

 

[CarLiTa]

w332, is there a man in your life at present, or do you just want to be affectionate generally? I think that'll impact the responses.

I wasn't a particularly affectionate person many years ago, but I'm quiiite affectionate now, but only with men I like. I otherwise don't come across as particularly open. I have to make an actual effort to be open, so it only happens with select people.

I had a boyfriend who would complain that when he touched me out of the blue, I would startle and tense up, and then relax after a while. I never even realized that was happening, and it used to hurt his feelings. So, I had to make an effort to change that. I initiated more affectionate gestures, and he loved that. And then, sometimes he'd be so doting and I would be like: okay, stop it, you're making me feel weird.

Over time, I've become much much more mushy. If I'm dating someone, and I'm happy, I can be a little high on love, just vomiting mushiness everywhere But like I said, I had to put effort into it. It actually was a really, really good exercise because it taught me to be more emotionally intelligent. I would look out for what seemed to make the person happy, and provide that. Fortunately, I was in a relationship where that was the norm, and I always got plenty good feedback on my efforts. My SO at the time said he wanted to be a well of love for me. I thought, jeez, that's really nice, I guess I can try to do the same

My last significant person was not as emotive, and that made ME feel weird sometimes, because he'd get all shy and awkward when I would be too mushy. He'd like it to a certain point, and then after that he'd just be weird about it. I didn't like that but it just isn't his love language.

I'm rambling, but I think it's an effort. They say love is an action verb, and I agree. To show someone you care, you have to act. You have to think about their needs and make them feel good in your company.

And for myself, I am much more relaxed and open after my favorite dance class, or a walk in nature... or just a walk, period. Knowing this about myself, if I have a date with a guy I'm not feeling, I'll likely suggest a stuffy restaurant. If I actually want to facilitate openness, we will have a picnic, go for a walk, a hike, or anything where I can be fully relaxed, open, and likely to be more affectionate.

 

[w332]

Thank you! It's a developing relationship. So far he has said things like "normally girls are SO into me" and "you're not making me feel special." I think he might also be the type who likes being chased- that's not me, but I can try being more openly affectionate.

 

[CaraWalker]

i have the opposite problem in relationships, and i think most affectionate girls will tell you natural aloofness is a prized quality to have without effort. so no, im not going to tell you how/encourage you to be more affectionate

 

[CarLiTa]

Thank you! It's a developing relationship. So far he has said things like "normally girls are SO into me" and "you're not making me feel special." I think he might also be the type who likes being chased- that's not me, but I can try being more openly affectionate.

Oh, hm him saying those things is a turnoff.

 

[w332]

Oh, hm him saying those things is a turnoff.

I think so too- feels like he's being insecure/needy. But I do act independent and can be brash with my words, so maybe I will try being sweeter and see if anything improves.

 

[CaraWalker]

i think she might mean theres a difference between wanting an affectionate partner and wanting a woman to trip over herself for him.

 

[w332]

i think she might mean theres a difference between wanting an affectionate partner and wanting a woman to trip over herself for him.

It seems like he always wants reassurance. So, I asked myself why, and I realized I may say things that may him feel insignificant. He tells me how he feels about me a lot, and I want to reciprocate in a way that's natural for me so he feels appreciated and desired.