Being Happy: BC remorse, Going Back to Relaxers, Loving Natural Hair

[MonPetite]

It seems on the board, which thanks to Sui Topi's great census we know is rather natural, that while transitioners and BCs are greatly applauded there is less fan fare for those who go back to relaxers or texturize.

Why is this?

If this is Long Hair Care Forum....Should it matter how we get "long" hair and care for it?

I'm starting to realize that I'm suffering BC Remorse.

I've never had short hair in my life. My hair grew just fine with relaxers.

I went natural to get rid of admittedly less than perfect but long relaxed hair, to start anew, and to shed personal issues. Mainly, being in the midwest had taken its toll on me: I wanted to fit in. I still wore it (my straight hair) in very unusual ways being the artsy person I am...but it was STRAIGHT, worn in unusual ways. The "usual-unusual".

Texlaxing let me have curly hair and later "wavy hair" as I got feedback curly hair was still pushing it. It wasn't straight...but I liked it and still wore it as I pleased.

Fast forward to being natural, my hair is healthy, glitters in the sun, is as thick as the nile is long...and I find myself unhappy.

Why? A) It's short. 4" = bald where I am and to those who make up my family AND friends, with whom I am very close and telling them to step off isn't an option. B) Shrinkage. What's the point of having hair if you can't see it?

Shrinkage brings me to the cross roads I am at now.

Now that I know that I can rock a nappy TWA, bone straight hair, wavy hair, and curly hair....I have no great loyalty to either one, IE: natural or chemically-treated hair.

Instead of it being a lifestyle "nappy" vs. "relaxed"....I'm concerned with what I would like. What makes this little lamb happy.

Which is a first.

I know that I miss my length horribly. I was the type that wore a new hair style every day.

I don't regret going natural as my hair is healthy and I needed the journey.

I don't want stick-straight hair. I like curls. They don't even have to be big 3b curls....The "good hair" as the less aware of us still call it.

What I DO want, is my length to show. I can't see the point of being WL natural and have my hair shrink up to my shoulders.

It seems to me my best option, in terms of just enjoying my hair is to texturize it. I still want to be in the 3c/4a range. A tight 3c or a looser 4a. I do know I want that.

But I want to see my length. I don't care for chemicals, but they don't impede my growth.


As I think about all this, I wonder...if chemical-use has really become an issue of style for me and not mental state, surely others have come to this point too.

I love natural hair. I've enjoyed it...but, I AM on a forum for LONG hair for a reason. I want mine back and even longer than before and to enjoy seeing my length. Shrinkage isn't going to allow for that.

I'd like to mention also, I BCed instead of a long transition because my hair with the relaxed ends would have only looked good if my hair was kept straight and I feared ruining my natural hair's texture as it grew in with heat because it would take A LOT of heat to make the two textures match.


So...does any one else ever miss their length?

Does anyone else feel shrinkage bothers them more than they'd normally admit?

Does anyone else think there's a lack of love for those who go back to relaxers?



And yes....I'm still natural. For now.

 

[danigurl18]

I definately miss my hair and it seems like my hair grows either way.. as it starts to grow, i may go back to relaxers but as of now, im trying to enjoy the natural ride and see how long i can hold on without going crazy

 

[ajoyfuljoy]

I am relaxed but I have pondered transitioning and what you bring up is a major concern for me. I fear that shrinkage would be really discouraging...thanks for this thoughtful post!

 

[Rapunzel*]

aww littlegoldlamb im sorry that you are feeling this way. i thought of you today and the way i love your natural hair, the way you band your twa the way romans do. have you tryed flat ironing your hair?
ive heard awful stories about texturing so i hope all turns out well. maybe you should try a texture softener i dont know if its the same but it just loosens the curl pattern
i think the yogurt and lime juice will loosen your curl naturally without any chemicals

 

[MonPetite]

aww littlegoldlamb im sorry that you are feeling this way. i thought of you today and the way i love your natural hair, the way you band your twa the way romans do. have you tryed flat ironing your hair?
ive heard awful stories about texturing so i hope all turns out well. maybe you should try a texture softener i dont know if its the same but it just loosens the curl pattern
i think the yogurt and lime juice will loosen your curl naturally without any chemicals

Thank you, sweetheart! Scarves and flowers have finally gotten boring for me, I'm afraid. Flat ironing my hair takes about two hours...WITH help! Four hours by myself. It can be done in an hour if the hair is fried, which is what most stylist who want to make money by getting to other heads will do. Plus I wash DAILY, so that nixes thermal straightening.

But...girl! You must've missed my "Baking Soda Ate My Scalp Thread". I found the mother of all "natural texturizers"...and it worked! Just not as much as a box of Just For Me.

 

[Rapunzel*]

Thank you, sweetheart! Scarves and flowers have finally gotten boring for me, I'm afraid. Flat ironing my hair takes about two hours...WITH help! Four hours by myself. It can be done in an hour if the hair is fried, which is what most stylist who want to make money by getting to other heads will do. Plus I wash DAILY, so that nixes thermal straightening.

But...girl! You must've missed my "Baking Soda Ate My Scalp Thread". I found the mother of all "natural texturizers"...and it worked! Just not as much as a box of Just For Me.

your welcome and i know it can get boring lol but u make being natural so interesting, and yea salons will try to burn the hair up, what kind of flat iron do you have i think you might need a max glide that steam works miracles i hear
no i didnt see your thread on the baking soda, something ill let lhcf's experiment on there own
and thats where i got it from the just for me box those little girls are so cute lmao
im glad the softener worked

 

[Ms Lala]

I love my hair but I must be honest I hate shrinkage. I recently cut my hair but it was around MBL and it would shrink up almost to above my shoulder. It is quite annoying. Now it is right about BSL and it shrinks up to my ear in some spots!!!!! Shrinkage is one of the main reasons I am considering texturizing my hair, I am going to try henna first because I really don't want to use chemicals, my hair and skin just don't respond well.

 

[Queen V]

Instead of it being a lifestyle "nappy" vs. "relaxed"....I'm concerned with what I would like. What makes this little lamb happy.


It seems to me my best option, in terms of just enjoying my hair is to texturize it. I still want to be in the 3c/4a range. A tight 3c or a looser 4a. I do know I want that.

But I want to see my length. I don't care for chemicals, but they don't impede my growth.


I love natural hair. I've enjoyed it...but, I AM on a forum for LONG hair for a reason. I want mine back and even longer than before and to enjoy seeing my length. Shrinkage isn't going to allow for that.

I think you've answered your own question. Do what makes you the happiest. Enjoy your hair while maintaining its health.

 

[morehairplease]

So...does any one else ever miss their length? Yes each and every single day. I plan on relaxing later on this year.

Does anyone else feel shrinkage bothers them more than they'd normally admit? Yes, it bothers the heck out of me. I am one that has to see length and with my natural hair being so tightly coiled this is not possible. No matter how much length I obtain my hair is still a small shrunken fro, at any length, and this bothers me.

Does anyone else think there's a lack of love for those who go back to relaxers? No.

I have yet to decide on which relaxer to use when I relax though. I saw this lady at the university with gorgeous hair and she uses affirm/keracare only.

 

[ladylibra]

It seems on the board, which thanks to Sui Topi's great census we know is rather natural, that while transitioners and BCs are greatly applauded there is less fan fare for those who go back to relaxers or texturize.

Why is this?
well... the majority of black women relax their hair. so it's not something to "celebrate," it's kinda seen as something you're supposed to do as an adult.

What's the point of having hair if you can't see it?
not to sound sarcastic, but there are plenty of women who have hair that we (the public) can't see... like those who wear hijabs (hope i spelled that right).

So...does any one else ever miss their length?
when i first BC'd there were times i missed my length. but now that my hair is longer, there are days i miss my twa.

Does anyone else feel shrinkage bothers them more than they'd normally admit?
no. i guess i am one of the few who is best buds with their shrinkage...

Does anyone else think there's a lack of love for those who go back to relaxers?
maybe in the hardcore natural-hair-only groups. but on the same note, they are welcomed and shown "love" in the hardcore relaxed-hair-only groups. (not on LHCF but you know)


And yes....I'm still natural. For now.
and no matter what you do, i'll still be supporting you and stalking your Fotki

 

[loulou82]

Big hug to you. I know you miss your length and having 4'' of hair no matter how beautiful it is, isn't satisfying you. But hair does grow! At what length do you think you will be satisfied in having? Even if you relax right now it will still be 4 inches so regardless of whether you continue being natural or chemically process your hair, there's still a growing out phase you will have to get through.

 

[genesis132]

DO YOU! I'm soooo over the relaxed v/s natural war. It's just another way to break up/segregate the black community. I just texturized my hair FOR ME. The shrinkage never bothered me but those darn knots and long detangling sessions did...especially the longer my hair grew. Today my hair "thanks me" cause I'm no longer pulling and tugging on it...now tomorrow, I don't know what "my hair" will say. Once you been relaxed all your life, and then go natural...one day you reach the conclusion that "it's all just hair"..and doesn't in any way affect your blackness...i'm still black at the end of the day......as long as the hair is healthy and looks good...be it relaxed or natural..it's ALL GOOD..being a natural for the last 4 years, i realize that some naturals (don't take it personal...im only taking 'bout a few erplexed..not on this board tho')actually look down on women who relax their hair...why is this? i mean do white women look at another white girl who has a curly perm and thinks she's less of a white woman?? LADIES, WE GOT TO STICK TOGETHER. the relaxed ladies on this board have gone against ALL ODDS and proved that BLACK women can have LONG HEALTHY relaxed hair (which should be comforting to know if you decide to relax)...and this was something I didn't know while I was relaxed back in the day...so again DO YOU and whatever makes YOU happy whether it's staying natural or relaxed. Life's too short...tomorrow's not guaranteed.

 

[DDTexlaxed]

I'm suffering from BC syndrome. It feels like I will always have a TWA. My natural hair grows very slowly. The only time it gets good growth is when I use MTG.

 

[MonPetite]

I love my hair but I must be honest I hate shrinkage. I recently cut my hair but it was around MBL and it would shrink up almost to above my shoulder. It is quite annoying. Now it is right about BSL and it shrinks up to my ear in some spots!!!!! Shrinkage is one of the main reasons I am considering texturizing my hair, I am going to try henna first because I really don't want to use chemicals, my hair and skin just don't respond well.

Now see, I'd love rocking your big hair because big = long to me. Grass if always greener...oy!

I think you've answered your own question. Do what makes you the happiest. Enjoy your hair while maintaining its health.

Perhaps I have....

It seems on the board, which thanks to Sui Topi's great census we know is rather natural, that while transitioners and BCs are greatly applauded there is less fan fare for those who go back to relaxers or texturize.

Why is this?
well... the majority of black women relax their hair. so it's not something to "celebrate," it's kinda seen as something you're supposed to do as an adult.

What's the point of having hair if you can't see it?
not to sound sarcastic, but there are plenty of women who have hair that we (the public) can't see... like those who wear hijabs (hope i spelled that right).

So...does any one else ever miss their length?
when i first BC'd there were times i missed my length. but now that my hair is longer, there are days i miss my twa.

Does anyone else feel shrinkage bothers them more than they'd normally admit?
no. i guess i am one of the few who is best buds with their shrinkage...

Does anyone else think there's a lack of love for those who go back to relaxers?
maybe in the hardcore natural-hair-only groups. but on the same note, they are welcomed and shown "love" in the hardcore relaxed-hair-only groups. (not on LHCF but you know)


And yes....I'm still natural. For now.
and no matter what you do, i'll still be supporting you and stalking your Fotki

LOL! I <3 you Ladylibra! I'll be churnin' out reviews no matter what.

Big hug to you. I know you miss your length and having 4'' of hair no matter how beautiful it is, isn't satisfying you. But hair does grow! At what length do you think you will be satisfied in having? Even if you relax right now it will still be 4 inches so regardless of whether you continue being natural or chemically process your hair, there's still a growing out phase you will have to get through.

Oh, I know that. But seeing all my 4" would make me happy. It's not so much that it's 4" -though that is a point of concern, it's KNOWING I have 4" and seeing .5-1" of it.

I'm taking care of 4" of hair, I want to SEE 4" of hair.

Shrinkage is no joke...and such an understatement.


Thank you for all of your replies. I hope my random thought-wanderings prove useful to others who may be in the same spot or haven't given these things thought as of yet.

 

[Aggie]

DO YOU! I'm soooo over the relaxed v/s natural war. It's just another way to break up/segregate the black community. I just texturized my hair FOR ME. The shrinkage never bothered me but those darn knots and long detangling sessions did...especially the longer my hair grew. Today my hair "thanks me" cause I'm no longer pulling and tugging on it...now tomorrow, I don't know what "my hair" will say. Once you been relaxed all your life, and then go natural...one day you reach the conclusion that "it's all just hair"..and doesn't in any way affect your blackness...i'm still black at the end of the day......as long as the hair is healthy and looks good...be it relaxed or natural..it's ALL GOOD..being a natural for the last 4 years, i realize that some naturals (don't take it personal...im only taking 'bout a few erplexed..not on this board tho')actually look down on women who relax their hair...why is this? i mean do white women look at another white girl who has a curly perm and thinks she's less of a white woman?? LADIES, WE GOT TO STICK TOGETHER. the relaxed ladies on this board have gone against ALL ODDS and proved that BLACK women can have LONG HEALTHY relaxed hair (which should be comforting to know if you decide to relax)...and this was something I didn't know while I was relaxed back in the day...so again DO YOU and whatever makes YOU happy whether it's staying natural or relaxed. Life's too short...tomorrow's not guaranteed.

I am very impressed with the objectiveness of this post and I could not have said it better myself, thank you genesis132.

 

[ladylibra]

LOL! I <3 you Ladylibra! I'll be churnin' out reviews no matter what.

not to influence your decision or anything... but if you DID relax that would just give me a whole new world of product reviews for relaxed hair. more knowledge for me to soak up LOL

 

[LunadeMiel]

I have BC remorse. Some days I wish that I had transitioned a bit longer. But never, ever, in no way do I want to go back to relaxing... I understand completely understand your frustrations. Shrinkage is no joke. My 5-6 inches of hair look like 2 inches in some parts. There are other parts that get very litte shrikage but are very frizzy. With all things you just have to have patience..

 

[Vinyl]

I have been thinking about relaxing my hair... Although I am in protective styles (braids and weaves), I really don't know what to do with my hair during the week or so between the time I take everything down to the time I get it done again. Problem is, I'm so afraid of it all breaking/falling out that I usually just don't touch it.

 

[genesis132]

I am very impressed with the objectiveness of this post and I could not have said it better myself, thank you genesis132.

jus a lil observation i noticed while completely natural that bothered me...with the wealth of information on this site..its good to know that I can have LONG HEALTHY HAIR whether relaxed or natural...this information wasn't available a few years ago before the internet....Happy Growing Ladies (natural or relaxed)!!!

 

[Serenity K]

It seems on the board, which thanks to Sui Topi's great census we know is rather natural, that while transitioners and BCs are greatly applauded there is less fan fare for those who go back to relaxers or texturize.

Why is this?

If this is Long Hair Care Forum....Should it matter how we get "long" hair and care for it?

I'm starting to realize that I'm suffering BC Remorse.

I've never had short hair in my life. My hair grew just fine with relaxers.

I went natural to get rid of admittedly less than perfect but long relaxed hair, to start anew, and to shed personal issues. Mainly, being in the midwest had taken its toll on me: I wanted to fit in. I still wore it (my straight hair) in very unusual ways being the artsy person I am...but it was STRAIGHT, worn in unusual ways. The "usual-unusual".

Texlaxing let me have curly hair and later "wavy hair" as I got feedback curly hair was still pushing it. It wasn't straight...but I liked it and still wore it as I pleased.

Fast forward to being natural, my hair is healthy, glitters in the sun, is as thick as the nile is long...and I find myself unhappy.

Why? A) It's short. 4" = bald where I am and to those who make up my family AND friends, with whom I am very close and telling them to step off isn't an option. B) Shrinkage. What's the point of having hair if you can't see it?

Shrinkage brings me to the cross roads I am at now.

Now that I know that I can rock a nappy TWA, bone straight hair, wavy hair, and curly hair....I have no great loyalty to either one, IE: natural or chemically-treated hair.

Instead of it being a lifestyle "nappy" vs. "relaxed"....I'm concerned with what I would like. What makes this little lamb happy.

Which is a first.

I know that I miss my length horribly. I was the type that wore a new hair style every day.

I don't regret going natural as my hair is healthy and I needed the journey.

I don't want stick-straight hair. I like curls. They don't even have to be big 3b curls....The "good hair" as the less aware of us still call it.

What I DO want, is my length to show. I can't see the point of being WL natural and have my hair shrink up to my shoulders.

It seems to me my best option, in terms of just enjoying my hair is to texturize it. I still want to be in the 3c/4a range. A tight 3c or a looser 4a. I do know I want that.

But I want to see my length. I don't care for chemicals, but they don't impede my growth.


As I think about all this, I wonder...if chemical-use has really become an issue of style for me and not mental state, surely others have come to this point too.

I love natural hair. I've enjoyed it...but, I AM on a forum for LONG hair for a reason. I want mine back and even longer than before and to enjoy seeing my length. Shrinkage isn't going to allow for that.

I'd like to mention also, I BCed instead of a long transition because my hair with the relaxed ends would have only looked good if my hair was kept straight and I feared ruining my natural hair's texture as it grew in with heat because it would take A LOT of heat to make the two textures match.


So...does any one else ever miss their length? Well, I never had a relaxer, but I do wish my hair would hang a little more, instead of shrinking. I want to tex every other day.

Does anyone else feel shrinkage bothers them more than they'd normally admit? It only bothers me when a want a WnG.
Does anyone else think there's a lack of love for those who go back to relaxers? I totally do. It's like there is this undertone of respect/admiration for those who are "brave" enough to continue to fight the fight. Sort of like those who relax after being natural are more "weak". Or maybe its just me.

I will say that as a life time natural, I am proud of those that choose to stay natural. Deep down I feel like its really being able to love and accept yourself the way G'd made you. I go back and forth feeling guilty for considering relaxing. And in all honesty, almost EVERY person that I see go natural, looks MUCH more beautiful w/ their natural texture. Its like the faces light up in a way that is hard to describe,but like this is the hair they were SUPPOSED to have. You go from pretty, to looking like a goddess! But its hard to see or remember this when going through the struggle of dealing w/natural hair.



And yes....I'm still natural. For now. And I just have to say that you are beautiful! I love your hair! My hair is 3c/4a, and sometimes when I see tighter curls I really want them. Your hair looks gorgeous on you, and I'm not just saying that. I saw it when you posted about the baking soda escapade! Ok, I'm done.

 

[Irresistible]

Gurl like I had told you my hair shrinks up 200 percent. But before you let the shrinkage drive you crazy, I am telling you that in time with length you will be able to do so many things and have so many more options that will show your length. You gotta do whats right for you, but you gotta make sure its right for you. Because right now you have BC remorse, I would hate to see you go from that to texturizer remorse. Give your decision time! We always go through these frustrating times with our hair and make rash decisions then live with regret, we lose our patience and our minds and then live in a 'if only' state forever about our hair, so please please give yourself time and make sure your doing whats right for you first and we got yo back no matter what!

I dont even mind my 200 percent shrinkage anymore, but I had my moments! So I FEEL YOU! you might want to ride this out a lil longer and see how you feel!

 

[Serenity K]

I didn't realize there was so much text at the top of the page.

 

[fivetimestwo]

DO YOU! I'm soooo over the relaxed v/s natural war. It's just another way to break up/segregate the black community. I just texturized my hair FOR ME. The shrinkage never bothered me but those darn knots and long detangling sessions did...especially the longer my hair grew. Today my hair "thanks me" cause I'm no longer pulling and tugging on it...now tomorrow, I don't know what "my hair" will say. Once you been relaxed all your life, and then go natural...one day you reach the conclusion that "it's all just hair"..and doesn't in any way affect your blackness...i'm still black at the end of the day......as long as the hair is healthy and looks good...be it relaxed or natural..it's ALL GOOD..being a natural for the last 4 years, i realize that some naturals (don't take it personal...im only taking 'bout a few erplexed..not on this board tho')actually look down on women who relax their hair...why is this? i mean do white women look at another white girl who has a curly perm and thinks she's less of a white woman?? LADIES, WE GOT TO STICK TOGETHER. the relaxed ladies on this board have gone against ALL ODDS and proved that BLACK women can have LONG HEALTHY relaxed hair (which should be comforting to know if you decide to relax)...and this was something I didn't know while I was relaxed back in the day...so again DO YOU and whatever makes YOU happy whether it's staying natural or relaxed. Life's too short...tomorrow's not guaranteed.

ITA!!! Especially with the bolded! I am also a newly texlaxed head after almost 4 years of being natural. At first I struggled with the decision, but once you've been on both sides, it really is just hair and if I end up hating my texlaxed hair, I can always go back to natural

 

[MonPetite]

Gurl like I had told you my hair shrinks up 200 percent. But before you let the shrinkage drive you crazy, I am telling you that in time with length you will be able to do so many things and have so many more options that will show your length. You gotta do whats right for you, but you gotta make sure its right for you. Because right now you have BC remorse, I would hate to see you go from that to texturizer remorse. Give your decision time! We always go through these frustrating times with our hair and make rash decisions then live with regret, we lose our patience and our minds and then live in a 'if only' state forever about our hair, so please please give yourself time and make sure your doing whats right for you first and we got yo back no matter what!
I dont even mind my 200 percent shrinkage anymore, but I had my moments! So I FEEL YOU! you might want to ride this out a lil longer and see how you feel!

LOL, thanks! But I've got PLENTY of back.

Oh, wait....
You mean emotional support!!! Oh, yes! Thanks!

Yeah....I've realized that I just need to hang on. I'll get there...plus....I PERFECTED MY BAKING SODA TEXTURIZER! BWAHAHAHA!!!

I'm loving all these thoughtful responses, ladies!

See, this is why LHCF is so cool.

 

[PinkSkates]

OP in the grand scheme of things, it truly is just hair and it will grow back. Just do your best to keep your Scalp healthy and try and enjoy your hair at various lengths as it grows out.

 

[MonPetite]

And yes....I'm still natural. For now. And I just have to say that you are beautiful! I love your hair! My hair is 3c/4a, and sometimes when I see tighter curls I really want them. Your hair looks gorgeous on you, and I'm not just saying that. I saw it when you posted about the baking soda escapade! Ok, I'm done.

Tankies!

And the baking soda escapades have only begun!

I'm trying to figure out the best way to take pictures of the difference before and after my Baking soda texturizer, which I've figured out the details on. I'm now working on levels of potency in respsect to how many treatments will be necessary.

You know I like to give a well rounded review.

It has the potential to take you up a hair grade in a relatively short time (month or so). At least for those with a curl pattern.

Stay tuned.

 

[Irresistible]

LOL, thanks! But I've got PLENTY of back.

Oh, wait....
You mean emotional support!!! Oh, yes! Thanks!

Yeah....I've realized that I just need to hang on. I'll get there...plus....I PERFECTED MY BAKING SODA TEXTURIZER! BWAHAHAHA!!!

I'm loving all these thoughtful responses, ladies!

See, this is why LHCF is so cool.

See I'm waiting to hear more about this baking soda experiment!

 

[anon123]

Thank you, sweetheart! Scarves and flowers have finally gotten boring for me, I'm afraid. Flat ironing my hair takes about two hours...WITH help! Four hours by myself. It can be done in an hour if the hair is fried, which is what most stylist who want to make money by getting to other heads will do. Plus I wash DAILY, so that nixes thermal straightening.

But...girl! You must've missed my "Baking Soda Ate My Scalp Thread". I found the mother of all "natural texturizers"...and it worked! Just not as much as a box of Just For Me.

When I saw that post I knew you wanted to go back to relaxing. Why else put so much on and leave it on so long? I think in general people on the board are happy to see someone else happy with their hair, but I do admit that I don't find a return to relaxers a cause for celebration in the way that I find a return to one's own real natural hair a cause for celebration. JMO.

 

[vlucious]

^ agree...

 

[MonPetite]

........................