Balancing friendships in a relationship

[ellegantelle]

I am completely lost when it comes to balancing friendships and a relationship. I am used to being the girl who was with her friends all the time, hanging out with them, going away on vacations, spending almost all my free time with them in my early twenties. Now that I'm almost thirty and getting married next year, I'm finding it hard to balance my friendships and my relationship. And I also think a part of it is that I'm just personally changing (I think I'm becoming more of an introvert as I get older...)

But everytime I turn around, my girlfriends are inviting me to another party, another event, another outing. I try to make it to as many as I can, but I feel guilty when I can't or don't want to go. I have four girlfriends that are close friends of mine, so you can imagine the amount of events these girls are planning for themselves and their boyfriends.

My fiancé doesn't mind me going out, but I hate the thought of dragging him to an event every weekend or going out with the girls each weekend. And it seems like my friends are not too understanding when I cannot make it or don't want to go to some of the non-important events (like a Halloween costume party last year).

How does a married or almost married woman balance all of this in life? Any suggestions or advice?

 

[hopeful]

IMO it's about balance, priorities, and personal preferences. I've seen grown women gone all the time with girlfriends. Couldn't be me . Your life is changing and if your friends don't understand, too bad. I mean there are only so many hours in a day and days in the week. As long as you don't drop them and still find some time for them, maybe a monthly get together? then they should be okay. If not, oh well. People grow up, mature, change, have families, jobs, and other responsibilities, that's just life. You are understanding how they feel, and feeling compassion for them, they will need to do the same for you.

 

[butter_pecan]

I've lost "friends" since getting in my relationship. Oh well. My family and my man can be my friends then lol.

I don't wanna party all the time. Every so often is ok, but I'm not into living a single lifestyle, which is what I think about it.

 

[LucieLoo12]

Before I got married, I use to be around my friends all the time. But since I've gotten married, I just can't do it. Not because I am so in love and don't want to be around them, I just really don't have the time. Between work, ministry and my husband my plate is really full. And me and DH work a lot during the week and on weekends we are both off so that is our time together. You just have to squeeze in what you can. Like last weekend Dh was out of town, I took that time to spend with my girls. My friends are pretty understanding about it. I call and text them from time to time letting them I still care but I just can't give that quality time right now. If you can, maybe you can set a day out of the month when you can just have a "girls day".

You are going into a different phase in your life and your friends need to understand that and if they can't...well

When you're married your whole life changes and so does your priorities.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I am completely lost when it comes to balancing friendships and a relationship. I am used to being the girl who was with her friends all the time, hanging out with them, going away on vacations, spending almost all my free time with them in my early twenties. Now that I'm almost thirty and getting married next year, I'm finding it hard to balance my friendships and my relationship. And I also think a part of it is that I'm just personally changing (I think I'm becoming more of an introvert as I get older...)

But everytime I turn around, my girlfriends are inviting me to another party, another event, another outing. I try to make it to as many as I can, but I feel guilty when I can't or don't want to go. I have four girlfriends that are close friends of mine, so you can imagine the amount of events these girls are planning for themselves and their boyfriends.

My fiancé doesn't mind me going out, but I hate the thought of dragging him to an event every weekend or going out with the girls each weekend. And it seems like my friends are not too understanding when I cannot make it or don't want to go to some of the non-important events (like a Halloween costume party last year).

How does a married or almost married woman balance all of this in life? Any suggestions or advice?

Say no. I'm confused by the feeling of guilt if you can't or don't want to attend an event?

 

[SmileyNY]

I feel you Op. I have a similar problem and I've come to the conclusion that I need more friends who aren't single.

 

[nlamr2013]

At least you realize many women get in relationships and just forget about their friends lol or try to invite their so to every outing. I'd say jeep your old friends but find some couple friends as well

 

[ms.mimi]

I think most friends will understand that they will see you less when you're in a relationship, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. To maintain them will take a little effort on your part but it will be worth it.

Like maybe twice a month you can be with your friends. For example try to get the most bang for your buck by going to the party that has the most friends there. That's the one I would choose to go to.
Or you could have a catch up day. For example, on Saturday have breakfast with a few friends, a movie & lunch with another set and a party or girls night with some others.
You also can contact them to maintain closeness without actually being there. Like twice a week you could call a friend to check up on them on your way to or from work. Or email one or two of them. Mass texting is another option, "I can't believe it's snowing again" is the one I got all winter.

I know this is a busy time right now. But you don't want to be like so many people that at 45 years old they don't have any friends. The newness of the relationship is long gone & he's riding his motorcycle with the guys, the kids are doing their own thing and you're lonely.

 

[bellashair]

For me, it's extremely important to me to maintain my friendships while being in a relationship. Since being with my husband I've let go of most associates, as I'm not going to put my marriage on the back burner or stress myself or the relationship out over events of people that I don't care or plan on keeping in my life long-term.. but, my friendships are important to me so I don't mind " rocking the boat ", so to speak, in my relationship in order to maintain my friendships. I always keep the relationships best interest in mind first but, if it's not damaging to the marriage I will think of reasons TO attend instead of making excuses for myself because " I don't feel like it "..

I'm very in love with my man but, I also know how easy it is to get lost in a relationship. I've been with my guy for 8 years so, I don't doubt our longevity one bit.. but, in a general sense.. What happens when your identity becomes your relationship and that relationship ends? I've seen it happen and those break-ups are particularily rough. I don't know, independence is attractive to me. Me & my husband have hobbies together, and then we have our own hobbies. In the end, it really all boils down to what's important to you.

 

[ellegantelle]

Say no. I'm confused by the feeling of guilt if you can't or don't want to attend an event?

naturalmanenyc - I guess it is the guilt because all my friends have boyfriends (one even has three kids) and manages to make it to each and every event, and here I am not wanting to go to 8 events with my friends in one month. Literally, between April and May, there is an event every weekend. No breaks. Sometimes twice in one weekend...

 

[ellegantelle]

For me, it's extremely important to me to maintain my friendships while being in a relationship. Since being with my husband I've let go of most associates, as I'm not going to put my marriage on the back burner or stress myself or the relationship out over events of people that I don't care or plan on keeping in my life long-term.. but, my friendships are important to me so I don't mind " rocking the boat ", so to speak, in my relationship in order to maintain my friendships. I always keep the relationships best interest in mind first but, if it's not damaging to the marriage I will think of reasons TO attend instead of making excuses for myself because " I don't feel like it ".. I'm very in love with my man but, I also know how easy it is to get lost in a relationship. I've been with my guy for 8 years so, I don't doubt our longevity one bit.. but, in a general sense.. What happens when your identity becomes your relationship and that relationship ends? I've seen it happen and those break-ups are particularily rough. I don't know, independence is attractive to me. Me & my husband have hobbies together, and then we have our own hobbies. In the end, it really all boils down to what's important to you.

bellashair: Very good points...both relationships (with my friends and significant other) are important. I just am trying to find a balance. I think it would be easier if each and every weekend, something wasn't happening. If it was Once or twice a month, I could handle that.

Some of the events aren't even my friends events...they're events of one of their boyfriends. We are invited to show support. It's a nice gesture and I go to some of those types of events (like for example, my friend's boyfriend had a thirtieth birthday party two weeks ago...). But now another one of their boyfriends is throwing a party next weekend and she's invited us all. Idk, there are only 4-5 weekends in a month, I would like to have at least one or two to spend with my fiancé since we both have hectic work schedules.

 

[hopeful]

...

Idk, there are only 4-5 weekends in a month, I would like to have at least one or two to spend with my fiancé since we both have hectic work schedules.

I would think you'd want 2-3 out of the 4-5 weekends for him and heck sometimes you just need a weekend to yourself. I cannot imagine only having one weekend a month free for myself or a FH.

 

[hopeful]

... I guess it is the guilt because all my friends have boyfriends (one even has three kids) and manages to make it to each and every event, and here I am not wanting to go to 8 events with my friends in one month. Literally, between April and May, there is an event every weekend. No breaks. Sometimes twice in one weekend...

That one friend with the three kids is doing the most. I would not compare myself to her if I were you. If you really sit down and think about it you would realize that 8 events in one month is ridiculous. Just slow down for a minute and breathe. It's too much. People will run you ragged if you let them. I know women who run around weekend after weekend, hardly ever slowing down to take care of themselves (rejuvenate) or spend quality time with loved ones. I have watched them do this for years. It seems to be a hard habit to break, saying yes to everyone.

Learn to say no now without guilt and trust me, you will be happier in the long-run. And so will your FH and your future children. This is your life, not theirs. You have the right to decide how you want to spend your free time. It's not like you are dumping them. You just can't make every event. And I noticed you said they all have boyfriends, not fiancés. That makes a difference, as you have a wedding to plan, and a more serious relationship. Plus you have a hectic job, maybe there jobs aren't as stressful. Then of course, everybody is different, which is okay.

Let the guilt go.

 

[lux10023]

i agree my friendships mean just as much to me as my marriage---i know so many married women who have no friends..no outlets form their marriage or husband--and its really weird---

relationships of all kinds need nurturing and go thru phases..ofcourse i can't make every outing with the girls but we def have our girls time...love dh to death but we need our own outlets--dh and i hang a lot and usually are joined at the hip--but i need for my sanity my friendships and it makes life that much more fulfilling..most of my friendships are prior to dh anyway so for me to just up and back burner them wouldn't even be right imho

i also tend to think ppl balance and prioritize the things they want to--a breakfast or quick lunch or outing w/ friends should be fine no?

For me, it's extremely important to me to maintain my friendships while being in a relationship. Since being with my husband I've let go of most associates, as I'm not going to put my marriage on the back burner or stress myself or the relationship out over events of people that I don't care or plan on keeping in my life long-term.. but, my friendships are important to me so I don't mind " rocking the boat ", so to speak, in my relationship in order to maintain my friendships. I always keep the relationships best interest in mind first but, if it's not damaging to the marriage I will think of reasons TO attend instead of making excuses for myself because " I don't feel like it "..

I'm very in love with my man but, I also know how easy it is to get lost in a relationship. I've been with my guy for 8 years so, I don't doubt our longevity one bit.. but, in a general sense.. What happens when your identity becomes your relationship and that relationship ends? I've seen it happen and those break-ups are particularily rough. I don't know, independence is attractive to me. Me & my husband have hobbies together, and then we have our own hobbies. In the end, it really all boils down to what's important to you.

 

[ellegantelle]

That one friend with the three kids is doing the most. I would not compare myself to her if I were you. If you really sit down and think about it you would realize that 8 events in one month is ridiculous. Just slow down for a minute and breathe. It's too much. People will run you ragged if you let them. I know women who run around weekend after weekend, hardly ever slowing down to take care of themselves (rejuvenate) or spend quality time with loved ones. I have watched them do this for years. It seems to be a hard habit to break, saying yes to everyone. Learn to say no now without guilt and trust me, you will be happier in the long-run. And so will your FH and your future children. This is your life, not theirs. You have the right to decide how you want to spend your free time. It's not like you are dumping them. You just can't make every event. And I noticed you said they all have boyfriends, not fiancés. That makes a difference, as you have a wedding to plan, and a more serious relationship. Plus you have a hectic job, maybe there jobs aren't as stressful. Then of course, everybody is different, which is okay. Let the guilt go.

hopeful I agree with you 100%...I need to let go of the guilt because it's going to be impossible for me to keep up with them. I tip my hat to my friend with three kids because she's always out and about and ready for the next event. I on the other hand cannot possibly make it to so many events and have to choose the most important ones to attend. And you're right, with my job, wedding planning, and just looking for a second to breathe, I just cannot possibly make it to every event. The event next weekend that my friend's boyfriend is having I'm going to sit out on because fh planned a date for us (we haven't gone out on a date in weeks).

 

[ellegantelle]

i agree my friendships mean just as much to me as my marriage---i know so many married women who have no friends..no outlets form their marriage or husband--and its really weird--- relationships of all kinds need nurturing and go thru phases..ofcourse i can't make every outing with the girls but we def have our girls time...love dh to death but we need our own outlets--dh and i hang a lot and usually are joined at the hip--but i need for my sanity my friendships and it makes life that much more fulfilling..most of my friendships are prior to dh anyway so for me to just up and back burner them wouldn't even be right imho i also tend to think ppl balance and prioritize the things they want to--a breakfast or quick lunch or outing w/ friends should be fine no?

lux10023

My girlfriends and I plan a girls night out/in at least every month or every other month and we make it so that it meets everyone's schedule. I attend those events. It's just the other events that pop up that I can't make it to every single time.

 

[dannie]

@naturalmanenyc - I guess it is the guilt because all my friends have boyfriends (one even has three kids) and manages to make it to each and every event, and here I am not wanting to go to 8 events with my friends in one month. Literally, between April and May, there is an event every weekend. No breaks. Sometimes twice in one weekend...

Oh heck no! I'm single and no way am I spending every weekend out the month partying and running with my friends. I mean people need to relax, do laundry, run errands, visit family, clean the house, etc, its not college anymore.

I would make it when I could, but I wouldn't feel guilty, not even a lil bit. Thats just unreasonable.

 

[BonBon]

My fiancé doesn't mind me going out, but I hate the thought of dragging him to an event every weekend or going out with the girls each weekend. And it seems like my friends are not too understanding when I cannot make it or don't want to go to some of the non-important events (like a Halloween costume party last year).

How does a married or almost married woman balance all of this in life? Any suggestions or advice?

I think this is the real problem.

They are being demanding which is putting pressure on you. Have you tried to sit down and talk to them about their attitude towards you attending every event? If they didn't get funny with you then it would be much easier to balance your friendships! I think explaining how you're feeling, that you are not that extrovert woman anymore and only want to attend ___ events a month may be a good idea. You are still their friend and want to see them regularly but not in the frequency they want and that should be OK.

They need to know they are being silly about this. Its emotional blackmail to play up to guilt you into going.

 

[daydreem2876]

Oh heck no! I'm single and no way am I spending every weekend out the month partying and running with my friends. I mean people need to relax, do laundry, run errands, visit family, clean the house, etc, its not college anymore. I would make it when I could, but I wouldn't feel guilty, not even a lil bit. Thats just unreasonable.

I was going to say something similar. Married or not, there is no way I would want to attend that many events in one month with my friends. I love them to death but after awhile they would get in my nerves. Plus, I have my own life and interests to pursue in my free time. I think as we've gotten older, we have come to respect the fact we all have our own lives, but if we are in need help is just a phone call away. To me, that's the type of friendship I need at this point in my life.

 

[Ganjababy]

if you have a man you don't need friends...

 

[Prettymetty]

Family comes first. In my twenties I was the "it girl" too. I had several girlfriends and I was able to do whatever/go wherever. Now that im a married mother of 4 I do what I can when I can. Real friends understand priorities. Why dont you do couples outings?

Now that im a mom im more likely to spend time with other moms. Same with being married. Im closer to my married friends.

 

[sgold04]

Like some folks mentioned earlier, even though I'm single I STILL wouldn't want to attend that many events. That's too much, even in my party days I wasn't out that much. If you communicate with your friends about not wanting to go out so often, the ones that deserve to remain your friends will understand. They key is to communicate, and not just quietly slip away, which could lead to many misconceptions (in my opinion).

On another note, my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage (dad left mom). I was planning a girls trip during their divorce, and my mom pretty much said "I'm glad you and your friends make an effort to see each other (we all live in different states). I lost contact with my friends, and now that your dad and I are getting divorced, I realize I don't have any friends. All the people I thought were my friends were really his friends (other couples)." After the divorce, his friends stuck with him, even though they knew my mom for over 20 years. She slowly and subconsciously became absorbed in his world, and didn't have a world of her own. My brother and I are grown, so she is by herself most of the time. OF COURSE I am not assuming that you will end up in my mom's position, but maintain the friendships you value, or create new ones with like-minded women who are YOUR people, not through the hubby (if it's possible).

 

[ellegantelle]

I think this is the real problem. They are being demanding which is putting pressure on you. Have you tried to sit down and talk to them about their attitude towards you attending every event? If they didn't get funny with you then it would be much easier to balance your friendships! I think explaining how you're feeling, that you are not that extrovert woman anymore and only want to attend ___ events a month may be a good idea. You are still their friend and want to see them regularly but not in the frequency they want and that should be OK. They need to know they are being silly about this. Its emotional blackmail to play up to guilt you into going.

Sumra I agree...that's where the guilt is coming from. We sat down in January to discuss this amongst other issues. The one friend who told me "you've changed" (commenting on the fact that I don't come over to her house as much, don't call as often etc.), realized that she has to understand that I can't make it to every single event and that I can't call/visit as often as I used to when I was single.

But it still lingers in my mind when I can't make it to all the events of how much she couldn't understand before that I was trying to create a balance. Even though she said she understands I really think she doesn't. I'm not sure why I feel that way though.

 

[ellegantelle]

if you have a man you don't need friends...

I guess everyone is different.

Personally, I have my friends and my fh has his. We need an outlet besides work.

My mom and dad have been married for almost 40 years. My mother never had friends, my father has plenty though. But my mom is an extreme introvert though. So she prefers it that way.

 

[sj10460]

if you have a man you don't need friends...

sadly a lot of women think this is true and exhibit this behavior.
OP you have the right mindset; it's all about balance. Some people get so caught up in their relationships and do abandon friends, family and their own personal hobbies/interest.

When my ex and I were together we made sure to keep one weekend to "ourselves" he did his thing with his boys/co workers and I hung with my girls. It doesn't even have to be a whole weekend, it could be one day out the month. Get together for drinks, go get your nails done together, catch a matinee or brunch. People make time for what's important to them. I think it's so necessary to have a little time away from the SO and keep maintaining those relationships with friends. If you and SO were to fall out for whatever reason those same friends that you disposed of are usually the first ones you call in time of need. No one likes to feel like a "back-up" or "convenience friend"

 

[sj10460]

I guess everyone is different.

Personally, I have my friends and my fh has his. We need an outlet besides work.

My mom and dad have been married for almost 40 years. My mother never had friends, my father has plenty though. But my mom is an extreme introvert though. So she prefers it that way.

Purple font means sarcasm

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I've lost "friends" since getting in my relationship. Oh well. My family and my man can be my friends then lol.

I don't wanna party all the time. Every so often is ok, but I'm not into living a single lifestyle, which is what I think about it.

What? So many women have this mentality then if they're having relationship issues or their marriage doesnt work out, they have no one/nowhere to go/talk to.
Ive had friends like this and when they come running back after their relationship ends, i ignore. I need strong-minded friends that can handle different relationshops and consider their SO their best friend.

For me, it's extremely important to me to maintain my friendships while being in a relationship. Since being with my husband I've let go of most associates, as I'm not going to put my marriage on the back burner or stress myself or the relationship out over events of people that I don't care or plan on keeping in my life long-term.. but, my friendships are important to me so I don't mind " rocking the boat ", so to speak, in my relationship in order to maintain my friendships. I always keep the relationships best interest in mind first but, if it's not damaging to the marriage I will think of reasons TO attend instead of making excuses for myself because " I don't feel like it "..

I'm very in love with my man but, I also know how easy it is to get lost in a relationship. I've been with my guy for 8 years so, I don't doubt our longevity one bit.. but, in a general sense.. What happens when your identity becomes your relationship and that relationship ends? I've seen it happen and those break-ups are particularily rough. I don't know, independence is attractive to me. Me & my husband have hobbies together, and then we have our own hobbies. In the end, it really all boils down to what's important to you.

I agree with everything you said.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

viciousdreamr02

I find it odd that someone with 3 kids spends so much time hanging out with friends. It's natural to presume that once people are married or coupled off and with kids that you won't see them as much.

If you want to set boundaries with your friends, which I suggest before you get married, you need to let them know that you won't be attending every event going forward because you have plans with your fiance.

A girls night or even a girls weekend is great once in a while but 8 events in less than 1 month. No way. When are you making time for your own stuff: doing your hair or going to salon appointments (since it's a hair board), nails, shopping, grocery shopping, laundry etc. These women are monopolizing your time and you need to put a stop to it.

Don't give up your friends by any means but you need some boundaries.
I've known my BFF since age 5 and we are very close, but I don't and would not see her every single weekend.

naturalmanenyc - I guess it is the guilt because all my friends have boyfriends (one even has three kids) and manages to make it to each and every event, and here I am not wanting to go to 8 events with my friends in one month. Literally, between April and May, there is an event every weekend. No breaks. Sometimes twice in one weekend...

 

[butter_pecan]

What? So many women have this mentality then if they're having relationship issues or their marriage doesnt work out, they have no one/nowhere to go/talk to.
Ive had friends like this and when they come running back after their relationship ends, i ignore. I need strong-minded friends that can handle different relationshops and consider their SO their best friend.

I personally think it's wrong for you to make this assumption. I literally just flew back to DC just to have a girl's weekend with my friends. My other friend here and I went shopping/to a bar this weekend. I'm speaking of so-called friends who get mad because you don't want to be in the streets with them 24/7, or if you don't share their silly views (like why would I flirt with guys with you if I'm in a relationship?) To me, these "girls" (not women) weren't friends in the first place.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

All my friends are pretty much married and or have kids. Perfect for me. Their time is occupied, im not being bothered....it works! I hate talking on the phone and going out all the time. If you need consistent contact, im not the friend for you lol.