I've been with my h for 11 years (since I was 18) and of those 11 years, been married almost 3 now. 2 kids, a home and cars.. but I'm not really not feeling it anymore. Long story, no time to give details... but when yours ended why/when and what was the straw that broke the camels back?
At what point did you know it was over??
- Thread starter Shell4624
- Start date
Nefertiti0906
Well-Known Member
Sorry I don't have any words of advice. Have you explored other options like counseling? I'm asking because you have a lot at risk, (i.e, kids, property)
jrae
Well-Known Member
....after I had asked, begged, prayed, meditated and pleaded to work on our marriage, go to counseling... something!...told him it was the end of the line for me.... he laughed in my face and walked out the door. I was d-o-n-e at that moment. It took him awhile to "get it" but when he did, he started the big campaign to win me back, but I was through. 
Thanks Ladies. Been to counseling (sp?) 2x, once as premarital and another 3 mos into the marriage, right b4 I got pregnant with our youngest... I will admit both times it was only 3 sessions each, but nonetheless, both counselors saw many issues and we never stuck with it... I'm worried about our girls 6yos and 23 mos, more than anything else. The oldest loves him more than anything.. she is his shadow. But as far as he and I go, things are really dying... routine, pointing fingers at each other, market sux here right now so we are couped up in a 2bdrm TH that we cannot sell... all things are just really frustrating right now and I just feel that in addition to our communication problems we really dont see eye to eye on MANY things... Thanks for reading/listening.
Integrity
Active Member
I am really sorry you are going through this. About the bolded above: do you mean the premarital counsellor could perceive problems but you got married anyway?
Is there a chance to take the kids to relatives for a weekend and you both, go away, sit down and work through the communication issues step by step?
Blackoutzangel05
New Member
I am not a fan of divorce, however in some cases it is needed where there is violence etc., however all marriages require work. This is probably just a rough spell. You are in a slow housing market, you feel cramped in your house...my first thing to ask you is have you prayed? Did you seek guidance from God about what to do with this situation? Have you asked him to change you so that you can be more open to whatever problems have to be fixed in your marriage. I believe that the biggest part of saving a marriage, and I believe that most are worth saving, is having the desire. You speak about your daughters and how one of them is his shadow, have you thought about what a separation is going to do to them? I don't know all the details and really don't need to...I can tell you from personal experience, my father cheated on my mother, but the day that my mother asked me (their one child together) who would I rather stay with mommy or daddy and I said without hesitation daddy, was the day she decided to stay. I know that some say its not good to stay together because of the children, but my mother did and re salvaged her marriage. Too often today kids are brought up in single parent homes and that is very hard....I'll pray that God leads you to the right answer...however for me and my marriage, it aint neva gonna be over
He said yes to counseling then when I made the appointment he said no. I said pack your sh*t and get out, it was the end of the road. Plus a year previous to that we were living as virtually roommates. I don't need a roommate.
I am blessed that we did not have children and it was my home that he moved in to. For the life of me I do not understand why he didn't sign the divorce papers when presented to him. He made me wait the 2 years. Now he thinks we can be friends. Hell no, I know how he treats his wife. If he could treat a wife like crap why would I want to be his friend and expect better treatment. Hell to the NO.
klb120475
New Member
I'm not sure how much I can help...but I will tell you my story.
My ex husband and I were together for 8 years, married 5 years. In my heart of hearts I knew my marriage was over years before I admitted. I never loved him, nor was I in love with him. People ask all the time, why did I marry him. Simple...it was a mistake.
Although I didn't love him I did perform all of my wifely duties. I did everything I could in the natural and the spirit to make it work. He just wasn't the man for me.
Marriage ain't no joke, especially when you're having problems. I've seen some marriages where people have doomed them from the beginning..one of the spouses cheated or something to that nature but they both worked hard at getting the marriage back on track and all is well.
I highly suggest for you to pm Nice&Wavy she and her husband do marriage counseling. Maybe she can help ya, if nothing else she can pray for ya.
Be encouraged!
My ex husband and I were together for 8 years, married 5 years. In my heart of hearts I knew my marriage was over years before I admitted. I never loved him, nor was I in love with him. People ask all the time, why did I marry him. Simple...it was a mistake.
Although I didn't love him I did perform all of my wifely duties. I did everything I could in the natural and the spirit to make it work. He just wasn't the man for me.
Marriage ain't no joke, especially when you're having problems. I've seen some marriages where people have doomed them from the beginning..one of the spouses cheated or something to that nature but they both worked hard at getting the marriage back on track and all is well.
I highly suggest for you to pm Nice&Wavy she and her husband do marriage counseling. Maybe she can help ya, if nothing else she can pray for ya.
Be encouraged!
blkbeauty
Well-Known Member
I don't want to be negative. But sometime counseling just doesn't work. Spending a weekend to talk things through just doesn't work. And, having a fairy-tale marriage are sometimes not in the cards.
I say this, because my aunt by marriage died 3 months ago at 44. She stuck it out with her husband (my uncle) through him cheating, through counseling, through the mortgage on a beautiful house. Through everything!!! My mother told me how she would call her in tears about something he has done or not done and how it was taken a toll on her.
The end result was a sudden unexpected aneurism the day after her eldest daughter graduated from high school. I am not saying that my uncle was the sole cause in this, but I do know that my aunt was very stressed by the marriage. BTW, she dated him since she was 13.
I say this, because my aunt by marriage died 3 months ago at 44. She stuck it out with her husband (my uncle) through him cheating, through counseling, through the mortgage on a beautiful house. Through everything!!! My mother told me how she would call her in tears about something he has done or not done and how it was taken a toll on her.
The end result was a sudden unexpected aneurism the day after her eldest daughter graduated from high school. I am not saying that my uncle was the sole cause in this, but I do know that my aunt was very stressed by the marriage. BTW, she dated him since she was 13.
winterinatl
All natural!
I have never been married. I was with my ex SO for the majority of 10 years, lived with him six months. After being supportive of his triflin' ***, paying both our rent, helping him to find jobs, giving him rides, being down for "the team" one weekend he did not come home. I had told him he had 6 weeks to find his own place; he apparently didnt' feel that I was 'marriage material' after that. So when he came home I dumped him.
He found a place within two weeks, go figure.
He found a place within two weeks, go figure.
I'm going to come from a different perspective - my parents split after 23 years of marriage, and I WAS CRUSHED. At 19, they sat me down one day and told me "we're getting divorced" and I was like "WHAT???" - left and didn't talk to either one for about 4 days. I'm an only child, so we were a threesome and I think that had a lot to do with it. I felt all alone, even at 19.
There's two sides to divorce - it was a crushing blow knowing that my parents threw in the towel rather than taking the steps necessary to try and make things work. Being older, and having started dating, I also had a better understanding of why relationships don't work - and that was also a cold pill to swallow. Knowing that each parent had done (or not done) certain things that are pretty basic to sustaining a relationship.
My parents used to argue over dumb **** until the wee hours of the morning. I'd hear them and just shut my door knowing that by the time I woke up in the morning, everything would be "normal" and we'd go do some family stuff and they'd be over it until the next argument.
But I also had to realize that sometimes things just don't work out. That no amount of counseling could have fixed the problems (actually, looking back BOTH my parents admit that counseling earlier could have fixed a LOT of the issues and probably would have saved their marriage). But my parents are also still good friends - and they made a committment to me, and have kept their commitment that I come first. So at my college graduation, both folks were right there with me (and there together - they were coordinating graduation plans as a unit). Birthdays, they're there. And when I used to *** up in college, they were both on my tail to get things right, together.
The point: I'm not going to lie and say that divorce doesn't suck for kids, because it does. And it's going to be a healing process for the kids. If you're kids are over the age of 10, I'd recommend getting THEM some counseling if you do decide to call it quits - it helps for them to have someone to talk to that isn't MOM or DAD and won't judge them for how they feel. But there's also the realization that parents, as individuals, deserve happiness as much as the children do. And if that is what it takes, so be it.
You gotta do what you have to do. Just make sure that:
- Your kids are constantly reassured that what happens between mommy and daddy has NOTHING to do with them. Cuz kids do blame themselves for their parents' divorce.
- That your kids know that they WILL ALWAYS come first. I don't know the situation between you and your husband, but hopefully you two can come to a place where you can still CO PARENT
- You do what's best for you!
But make sure you exhaust all other alternatives.
caltron
Well-Known Member
You were so young when you got involved with him. You didn't have a chance to really grow and learn who you are and what you want out of life. It sounds like you two have just grown apart.
I hope you have the strength to do what's best for you. If you're not feeling it, then please don't stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the children. That's an awful example to set for them. Don't believe all the hype about the problems divorce causes to children in divorce. Every child responds to divorce differently, and a lot of it will depend on how you and your hubby deal with the aftermath of your split.
I hope you have the strength to do what's best for you. If you're not feeling it, then please don't stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the children. That's an awful example to set for them. Don't believe all the hype about the problems divorce causes to children in divorce. Every child responds to divorce differently, and a lot of it will depend on how you and your hubby deal with the aftermath of your split.
treybaby2005
Well-Known Member
I wish my parents would have divorced while we were growing up.It was horrible.My father repeatedly cheated with one woman the whole marraige and everyone knew about it.My mom stayed for us which I totally disageed with as I began to realize what was going on.There was no counseling to help out that marraige.
Now that I am in a relationship of my own,I realize I am ready to run at any given disagreement that doesn't go my way and I've always been on a one strike and thats it.I'm in counseling.
Now that I am in a relationship of my own,I realize I am ready to run at any given disagreement that doesn't go my way and I've always been on a one strike and thats it.
I'm in counseling.
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My DH and i are still working through things. I ain't gonna lie, things aren't perfect, but we are doing our best to be front about our feelings and what we expect from each other and I can say that he is trying. My only worry is that he will regress again to being more like my kid, vs being a H. if that makes any sense! I also have areas that I start off good in and regress as things mellow out. We will see. I love him and he is a good guy. But we were raised so differently that our outlook on many things are just different.
I will continue to stay in prayer and you guys pray for us too. Thank you for everything.
I will continue to stay in prayer and you guys pray for us too. Thank you for everything.
klb120475
New Member
I'm glad you both are working together at putting some effort towards your marriage. I'm praying for the 2 of you.
I'm glad you both are working together at putting some effort towards your marriage. I'm praying for the 2 of you.
thank you klb...You're the best. I love the peace...be still quote next to your advatar. So true!
MizzBrown
Well-Known Member
I knew it was over with my EX-SO when he left me a voicemail 2 days after me and him slept together, that his GIRLFRIEND doesn't want him talking to me anymore. All calls to him were unanswered when i wanted an explaination.
Another day went by and he called to say that he's in love with her and she's been there all along and then says that SHE wants to speak with me and SHE starts apologizing for the whole scenario.
I really don't think she was a sista either. Way too calm the entire scene. I wanted his head on a stick.
Complete slap in the face, cried for days on end, 2 years later and even though i have someone new in my life, it still affects me. Got so mad that I posted his profile and picture on Don'tDateHimGirl.com
Hindsight clues? He was wayyy too nice in those last couple of days. That meant he didn't care anymore, why NOT be nice. His kissing and bedroom style changed yet i didnt think about it at the time...other stuff too but thats water under the bridge now.
Another day went by and he called to say that he's in love with her and she's been there all along and then says that SHE wants to speak with me and SHE starts apologizing for the whole scenario.
I really don't think she was a sista either. Way too calm the entire scene. I wanted his head on a stick.
Complete slap in the face, cried for days on end, 2 years later and even though i have someone new in my life, it still affects me. Got so mad that I posted his profile and picture on Don'tDateHimGirl.com
Hindsight clues? He was wayyy too nice in those last couple of days. That meant he didn't care anymore, why NOT be nice. His kissing and bedroom style changed yet i didnt think about it at the time...other stuff too but thats water under the bridge now.
daoriginaldiva
Well-Known Member
'
Oh my goodness girl, that was sick and twisted and I am so glad you in a new and better relationship. Just take your time to heal because trurst, you ex is going to get his triple times!
klb120475
New Member
A
AmilLion
Guest
Gosh, I'm not married, but do you think perhaps maybe your relationship has ran it's course? I wonder if that can happen with a marriage?
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
I agree with this. I’m not married, but I would say give it your all and fight for your marriage before throwing in the towel (unless he’s beating you, cheating, or emotionally abusing you, drugs). I feel that many other things can be worked out. JMHO.
curlcomplexity
formerly qtslim83
*bumping*
I'm also starting to think that my relationship has ran its course unfortunately
I'm also starting to think that my relationship has ran its course unfortunately
caribeandiva
Human being
*bumping*
I'm also starting to think that my relationship has ran its course unfortunately
aww... that sucks.
After reading this thread i'm even more careful about choosing a mate, etc...
Nola Darling
New Member
Well, there you go!
memee1978
Member
oh my goodnes.
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