Asking your man for affection

[abioni]

What do you think of a relationship where you take the initiative 95+% of the time for affection? Like if you don't go to him or ask him, no hugs, no kissing, no touching happens. Even sex. And you are only dating, not married yet. This makes me question if he really likes me. He is a nice person otherwise. He shows he cares in other ways, like going out of his way to buy me something he knows I like. But I need physical affection, not monetary things. Got enough of getting monetary things but no affection from my parents, so no.

I have spoken to him about it. We are in counseling and the therapist spoke to him about how important it is to me. He said he will make an effort but remains the same. I'm thinking of ending things mainly because of this. Friends and family think I'm crazy for wanting to end things because he is nice. Last weekend, we spent the whole weekend together and didn't kiss once. I forgot to take the initiative, so it didn't happen. I asked him last night to hold me while we were in bed, shortly after he started humping me and asked for sex. I only wanted to be held.

If things are this way now, what do I have to look forward to in a marriage? I'm so conflicted.

The woman in this video has a similar problem, do you agree with the advice?

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[Sosoothing]

The general rule is anything that is an issue before marriage gets worse after marriage. Regardless of what your family and friends say, only you get to decide what qualities are on your list of "must haves" in a partner. I assume he was this way when you met him. So ask yourself, if he never changed would you be okay with that? How much time are you willing to wait and see if therapy works?

Years ago I dumped a nice man for that reason. Everyone around me thought he was a remarkably eligible single man. We lasted 2 months. I'm very touchy-feely and need my random hugs, kisses, butt grabs daily if we're around each other. I have never regretted my decision to end that relationship.

ETA: Even the video you posted, the man giving advice says at the end, once you tell him, he should remember what you want and act on it. Constant daily reminders are a mental and emotional load I think is unfair for a woman to solely take on in this instance.

 

[Plushottie]

I’m not a touch person and gifts are my love language so if I were w a man intimately and that isn’t met I’m out, nice doesn’t create strong bonds. Nice is an illusion many hold to when they want image vs depth.
Touch is your thing you owe it to yourself to move on and also him as the fact you did therapy and it hasn’t changed he may not be a outward affectionate person for many reasons. Cut out now, mute family unqualified voices and live your life. If not unless you compromise resentment will occur it’s a choice but will be something avoidable.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Physical touch is one of my love languages so I LOVE random kisses, hugs and cuddles. Luckily DH is the same. If I don't get them, I'd be like you and assume feelings aren't reciprocal. Likewise if he could only show affection when he wants sex it's a no-go and I'd be out. I agree with the previous poster who said this will only get worse after marriage. And you've already had counseling to try to resolve it? Nah... this is who he is. Love language is very important and he's not speaking yours. Never mind what anyone else says about your relationship because you're the one who has to be in it. It doesn't matter that he's nice if you're not happy.

Years before I met DH, my mother would try to get me to date men just because they were nice and I was like "Nice is necessary but not sufficient." It gets you through the door but if there's nothing else, it's a no-go. It took her years to back off on that. I'm glad I stayed true to myself because if I had gotten into a relationship that she wanted, I'd be angry and resentful.

 

[BonBon]

Even if he makes an effort it will probably not be enough for you since it isn't coming from a natural place. I'm guessing you want him to feel the urge to touch you rather than just perform the action.

Beyond that - if he can't be bothered to even try at this point then it's hard to see how he could be trusted to start and keep it up in marriage. I think it's best to move on.

 

[LivingInPeace]

If he’s not affectionate while you’re dating he won’t be affectionate after you’re married. If you want physical affection and attention, this man is not for you. He won’t change. Pay attention.

 

[Rastafarai]

I experienced the exact same thing, and I dropped him. Turns out he was "asexual".

Be with someone you can share affection with. Your happiness is priority, not what family and friends think you should have.

Also sis - you're having counseling before you're married? Not a good sign at all.

 

[abioni]

Thank you ladies, I appreciate all your advice.

@Rastafarai, the counseling was my idea. We are talking about marriage, and I don't want to marry anyone without having counseling sessions first. I plan to do it with any man I'm talking marriage with.

 

[TrulyBlessed]

Dealbreaker. I will not date a mannequin.

 

[starfish]

Thank you ladies, I appreciate all your advice.

@Rastafarai, the counseling was my idea. We are talking about marriage, and I don't want to marry anyone without having counseling sessions first. I plan to do it with any man I'm talking marriage with.

“Talking about marriage” and being engaged with a date set are two different things. He’s not the man for you. Break up with him.

 

[hopeful]

Oh my gosh that sounds very stressful. It doesn’t matter how “nice” he is. You two aren’t compatible. I also think you’ve gotta heal from having non-affectionate parents. I think it’s set up a pattern where you think wanting physical affection is being needy. It’s a very normal and natural thing. It’s ok that you want/need physical affection. It’s not your fault that your parents weren’t capable. It had nothing to do with you. It’s no coincidence that you found a guy so similar to your parents. This guy probably feels very familiar. It’s a dynamic you are accustomed to. A dating coach I follow often says, “He’s not the last man on earth.” With all of the men in the world why would you settle for one who is incapable of meeting a core need? Who has to be reminded to kiss you, touch you, hug you? It will likely only get worse. And right now seems pretty bad.

Also, there’s no need to be angry with him. He is who he is. Let him be. But I wouldn’t even consider marrying someone under these circumstances. I’d get out and move on before things got any deeper. Your family and friends have a lot of nerve to encourage you to settle like that. But ultimately I think they have a scarcity mindset. They are acting like he is the only option you’ll ever have. You can’t change how your family and friends see things. You can’t make him become physically affectionate. But YOU my dear can change, evolve, heal, and want and expect more happiness for yourself.

Breaking up will hurt and you will miss him. But in the long run it will be more painful to be married to someone you have to beg for affection 95% of the time.

 

[Theresamonet]

I don’t do lukewarm. It would be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t want to have to tell my man to touch me. If he’s not naturally inclined to want to touch, kiss, hug me, then I don’t want him. I don’t want anyone showing me affection only because I asked for it. I want an intimate/affectionate relationship with a man— not a trained seal, performing a trick.

*********
I strongly disagree with the advice in that video. That “expert” can go to hell. Really, any advice that starts with “he’s a man” is going to be trash like 80% of the time. It’s usually just a way to let men off the hook for basic stuff like listening, caring, making an effort. That woman says she’s constantly probing him to do things, like hug her and take her out. Unless he’s an idiot, he knows she wants those things. He’s not doing them unprompted because he doesn’t want to.

 

[Jmartjrmd]

Nahhh that wouldn't work for me. , i need all the kisses, touches and wrestling matches without having to work to get it or ask for it. Part of the fun in dating was the discovery process of what we liked and also the skill at which he could do it.

I compromised on a few dislikes but that but lack of affection/ attention to intimacy would be a definite no for me.

And if he has to be counseled into showing affection it probably wouldn't last cause that's just not him.

You know yourself and marriage is a huge commitment. Never go into it trying to change anyone from what you knew them to be while dating. It's a FastTrack to a short marriage and divorce court.

 

[Theresamonet]

Another thing about that video… Casually explaining to women that men will only hear 25% of what we say, and only comprehend 5%, like it’s something biological— and not just blatant disrespect— really pissed me off.

Do men go to work and only listen to 25% of what their bosses say, or only hear 25% their assignment instructions? No, they hear all of that because they know it’s important, and there will be consequences if they don’t hear it and follow through… They are only hearing a fraction of what women say, because to men, what women have to say is unimportant, and there are little consequences beyond more words (that they will again tune out).

Men will always continue to uphold misogynistic ideals. Instead of teaching men to respect women enough to listen and ask questions about what they don’t understand, they continue to try to convince women to accept that the sounds of our voices is just white noise to men.

 

[Plushottie]

Another thing about that video… Casually explaining to women that men with only hear 25% of what we say, and only comprehend 5%, like it’s something biological and not just blatant disrespect, really pissed me off.

Do men go to work and only listen to 25% of what their bosses says or their assignment instructions? No, they hear all of that because they know it’s important, and there will be consequences if they don’t hear it and follow through… They are only hearing a fraction of what women say, because to men, what women have to say is unimportant, and there are little consequences beyond more words (that they will again tune out).

Men will always continue to uphold misogynistic ideals. Instead of teaching men to respect women enough to listen and ask questions about what they don’t understand, they continue to try to convince women to accept that the sounds of our voices is just white noise to men.

This tickled me so much. I believe any person who desires the other will do what is needed and it will come natural. Most dating advice today is divisive and pushing to keep people in illusion. Men aren’t dumb they just have not had to deal with consequences.

 

[lavaflow99]

I have a friend who is dealing with a husband just like this. Married 10+ years and she is miserable.

Like already mentioned above, it only gets worse once married.

Don't do this to yourself and walk away.

ETA: And they have done the counseling and nothing has changed......

 

[hopeful]

Also, I missed the Instagram post/video you posted.

Kemi on Instagram: "Hey Darlings - hit the FOLLOW BUTTON if you watched this content and you’d like more For more content and reactions visit my PATREON Allowing my page bring joy to your life. Video credit: No copyright infringement intended. . .

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Broke my heart to watch that. There is nothing acceptable or ok about their relationship. It was hard to hear the hurt and disappointment in her voice. It was equally hard to watch that expert politely dismiss her as well.

 

[abioni]

Ended things officially in March though things have been over since New Year weekend. I feel relieved yet upset. Mainly upset with myself for giving him another chance and wasted a year with him. He couldn't love me the way I want a man I'm with to love me. I have suspected this but it became more obvious because of our couples counseling sessions. It opened my eyes. He was not willing to change or put in much effort.

I'm hopeful about meeting someone with more emotional intelligence. Someone who will really love me like I desire.

 

[Rastafarai]

Ended things officially in March though things have been over since New Year weekend. I feel relieved yet upset. Mainly upset with myself for giving him another chance and wasted a year with him. He couldn't love me the way I want a man I'm with to love me. I have suspected this but it became more obvious because of our couples counseling sessions. It opened my eyes. He was not willing to change or put in much effort.

I'm hopeful about meeting someone with more emotional intelligence. Someone who will really love me like I desire.

“ Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than Butterflies…”

It’s one of my favorite lines from HBO’s Sex and the City. Go and get your butterflies, boo. It’s one of the best feelings in the world, especially when it’s mutual.

Please keep us posted.

 

[hopeful]

@abioni good for you!! I’m preparing to date again and I’m gonna do my best to recognize and acknowledge red flags ASAP. And for me that includes them not having the interest or capacity to make me feel seen, happy, pretty, sexy, respected, and cared for in their presence and when I’m not in their presence. And I also realize I don’t have a love language. I want all of the things: gifts, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. I need it all. I want it all. And I’m not begging or negotiating for any of it. Live and learn! Please keep us updated girlie. You got this!

 

[PatDM'T]

@abioni good for you!! I’m preparing to date again and I’m gonna do my best to recognize and acknowledge red flags ASAP. And for me that includes them not having the interest or capacity to make me feel seen, happy, pretty, sexy, respected, and cared for in their presence and when I’m not in their presence. And I also realize I don’t have a love language. I want all of the things: gifts, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. I need it all. I want it all. And I’m not begging or negotiating for any of it. Live and learn! Please keep us updated girlie. You got this!

@hopeful, you have
a language. It does
not mean you
don't want any
of the others.
You do. Everyone
does, but there
are is hierarchy,
and there will
be one that
supersedes the
others for you,
and similarly for
your SO. Not
speaking the language
that is in
first place a
little louder than
all the others
to your SO
is why people
get resentful.

He could buy gifts,
cuddle you, take
the trash out,
tells you he
loves you and
makes time for
you, but say
your #1 LL is
acts of service,
you will slowly
find yourself fuming
about how little
he does around
the house to help
you. He may
do all the
work outdoors but
if he is not
taking over your
chores once in
a while, TRUST
you will hate
the gifts and
the hugs and
find him inconsiderate.

No one who
knows their love
language is content
getting only that
one. But if it
happens to be
spoken less than
others or never,
and the SO
assumes his language
which might be
something different
from yours, (say
gift giving) is
what feeds your
soul, you will
slowly find his
love unfulfilling.

The Love Language® Quiz

Discover your primary love language and how you can use it to better connect with your loved ones.

5lovelanguages.com

There is no
perfect man who
will speak all
5 languages 100%
and check all
boxes, but if
he checks #1
a lot and #2
almost as much
and #3 following
closely...then it
will be easier
to grant him
grace if #4 and
#5 are a lot less.
You won't even
notice that the
others are a
lot less because
one's love language
is so beautiful,
it makes you
feel seen and loved.

 

[hopeful]

@hopeful, you have
a language. It does
not mean you
don't want any
of the others.
You do. Everyone
does, but there
are is hierarchy,
and there will
be one that
supersedes the
others for you,
and similarly for
your SO. Not
speaking the language
that is in
first place a
little louder than
all the others
to your SO
is why people
get resentful.

He could buy gifts,
cuddle you, take
the trash out,
tells you he
loves you and
makes time for
you, but say
your #1 LL is
acts of service,
you will slowly
find yourself fuming
about how little
he does around
the house to help
you. He may
do all the
work outdoors but
if he is not
taking over your
chores once in
a while, TRUST
you will hate
the gifts and
the hugs and
find him inconsiderate.

No one who
knows their love
language is content
getting only that
one. But if it
happens to be
spoken less than
others or never,
and the SO
assumes his language
which might be
something different
from yours, (say
gift giving) is
what feeds your
soul, you will
slowly find his
love unfulfilling.

The Love Language® Quiz

Discover your primary love language and how you can use it to better connect with your loved ones.

5lovelanguages.com

There is no
perfect man who
will speak all
5 languages 100%
and check all
boxes, but if
he checks #1
a lot and #2
almost as much
and #3 following
closely...then it
will be easier
to grant him
grace if #4 and
#5 are a lot less.
You won't even
notice that the
others are a
lot less because
one's love language
is so beautiful,
it makes you
feel seen and loved.

I completely understand the love languages concept. I’ve learned about it, ascribed to it, and believed in it in the past. I have consciously chosen to pursue a relationship under a different framework and paradigm moving forward. But I’m glad you have found something that you believe in and that works for you personally.

My thinking now is that, as I said, I want it all and for me that means being more fluid, open, and balanced. For a long time I thought it was all about acts of service, while of course knowing I needed the other things as well. For a long time my daughter thought it was gifts for her, while acknowledging the need for the other things as well. But over time we both realized it felt limiting to think in terms of love languages.

I’m focused more now on compatibility. On finding someone with whom I am in alignment with. My belief is that if I find that person we will naturally make each other feel loved, cherished, and respected. I also did not say if someone speaks a love language that they didn’t want the other things. That is not what I meant. And of course I get the concept of hierarchy, etc. I have chosen to not think in terms of languages anymore. For me it now feels limiting. It no longer feels right.

I plan to start a thread soon as I start to date again and will share more over time.

 

[Plushottie]

Just peeking in. @hopeful I interpreted your post as you deserve it all. I’m one that never gets my love language meant gifts but acts of service tie. But I believe we need all things esp if it’s a deep connection. The languages do feel limiting tho I think it cuts off people. Like we evolve and have different needs.

 

[PatDM'T]

Just peeking in. @hopeful I interpreted your post as you deserve it all. I’m one that never gets my love language meant gifts but acts of service tie. But I believe we need all things esp if it’s a deep connection. The languages do feel limiting tho I think it cuts off people. Like we evolve and have different needs.

It is true,
as I have
found, that love
languages order
of hierarchy does
shift over time.
Perhaps it's all
a matter of
which plant is
being watered most,
then others start
needing attention.

And I agree,
that just using
love language as
your only matrix
for finding love
can be limiting.
I consider it
one of the useful
tools for not
just dealing with
a love partner but
for all relationships.
My girlfriends and
I did the course
on video with
workbooks over
several weekends
and have found
that and knowing
one another's love
language has really
made our relationships
so much richer,
and deeper.

So I am a fan.
But then again
this was that
one tool that
was missing in
by box of
"psychology" until 2019
or so, which
might explain my
fascination.

Now for those
who have been
there, done that,
I get it. #OldNews
Out with the
old, in with
the new please!

 

[Plushottie]

It is true,
as I have
found, that love
languages order
of hierarchy does
shift over time.
Perhaps it's all
a matter of
which plant is
being watered most,
then others start
needing attention.

And I agree,
that just using
love language as
your only matrix
for finding love
can be limiting.
I consider it
one of the useful
tools for not
just dealing with
a love partner but
for all relationships.
My girlfriends and
I did the course
on video with
workbooks over
several weekends
and have found
that and knowing
one another's love
language has really
made our relationships
so much richer,
and deeper.

So I am a fan.
But then again
this was that
one tool that
was missing in
by box of
"psychology" until 2019
or so, which
might explain my
fascination.

Now for those
who have been
there, done that,
I get it. #OldNews
Out with the
old, in with
the new please!

No it makes sense to me. I think that’s beautiful that you and your friends know how to support one another. I think knowing your needs is huge and so many don’t know or too scared to say what they need out of fear of being shamed.
But as I’m getting deeper in my 90’s I think of how you said as other areas are watered other areas can flow. I know in trends in society now is to be stunted in love and love can be so transformative.