Askes Me Out, But Never Makes A Plan!

SlimPickinz said:
Could you explain why you would work with him??
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My thoughts mainly come from this:

"We had a decent time. He paid for the date food and drinks. And asked me out again that same day."
"Then I asked him what we would be doing, restaurant, time, etc. He was clueless. He kept saying that he doesn’t know my area well so he wasn’t able to find a restaurant or bar. "

He is clueless about what to do on a date but doesn't mind paying for exactly what his date wants to go do. He understands his role is to provide, he just needs direction. As a professional eater, drinker and leisurely entertainment person I would be absolutely fine with deciding where to go. The area where he needs to be worked with is telling him where we're going ahead a time so I could plan outfits and tell him what time to be ready to go.

I completely understand why the OP is put out. I get it. I'm just staying A clueless dude with an open wallet is a gift from G-d.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
My thoughts mainly come from this:

"We had a decent time. He paid for the date food and drinks. And asked me out again that same day."
"Then I asked him what we would be doing, restaurant, time, etc. He was clueless. He kept saying that he doesn’t know my area well so he wasn’t able to find a restaurant or bar. "

He is clueless about what to do on a date but doesn't mind paying for exactly what his date wants to go do. He understands his role is to provide, he just needs direction. As a professional eater, drinker and leisurely entertainment person I would be absolutely fine with deciding where to go. The area where he needs to be worked with is telling him where we're going ahead a time so I could plan outfits and tell him what time to be ready to go.

I completely understand why the OP is put out. I get it. I'm just staying A clueless dude with an open wallet is a gift from G-d.
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:lachen::lachen::lachen:
 
Crackers Phinn said:
My thoughts mainly come from this:

"We had a decent time. He paid for the date food and drinks. And asked me out again that same day."
"Then I asked him what we would be doing, restaurant, time, etc. He was clueless. He kept saying that he doesn’t know my area well so he wasn’t able to find a restaurant or bar. "

He is clueless about what to do on a date but doesn't mind paying for exactly what his date wants to go do. He understands his role is to provide, he just needs direction. As a professional eater, drinker and leisurely entertainment person I would be absolutely fine with deciding where to go. The area where he needs to be worked with is telling him where we're going ahead a time so I could plan outfits and tell him what time to be ready to go.

I completely understand why the OP is put out. I get it. I'm just staying A clueless dude with an open wallet is a gift from G-d.
Click to expand...

This! He's clueless and unschooled, not close-minded and rigid. I would point him in the right direction and let him know what's expected of him. If he balks, broom him; but if he takes the information in and adapts, it's all good. No matter what any self-help book says, men aren't pre-packaged meals that come out of a box red-ta-go. Dating is where you learn one another's rhythms, figure things out and mesh. Some things can be deal breakers. but this, IMO, is not one of them. I would use this as an opportunity to fine tune him to meet my specific set of needs. I don't view it as working with a brotha, but rather turning a negative into a positive.
 
My bf is a little similar except that we'd go to the same restaurant every single time. He had a similar reason, that he doesn't know many places. I will admit that he's a nerd and homebody and his favorite venue is in front the tv. I'm the complete opposite.

What I did was provide him with a list of things I like to do and a list of places I like to go. I also told him that he needs to tell me what we're doing not the other way around. He was interested in making the effort though and even ask his coworkers now for advice on places to go and things to do.

I would've had an issue though if he showed no desire of trying to make an effort and showed up late with that flimsy excuse. I would've probably left.
 
He sees himself as the prize.

I need to feel like a very special fairy during courting. No matter how eligible, pretty or monied a dude is. I need to sense fear :look: and actual concern about getting things right with me.

Sounds like this dude is doing the Kanye Shrug a lot lol. I couldn't stand for it. Do you know who I am? :lol:

Every woman is different though. Generally, this lack of effort and imagination will show up later down the line too in a relationship. Only you know if you can deal with it.
 
Sumra said:
He sees himself as the prize.

I need to feel like a very special fairy during courting. No matter how eligible, pretty or monied. I need to sense some low level fear :look: and actual concern about getting things right with me.

Sounds like this dude is doing the Kanye Shrug a lot lol. I couldn't stand for it. Do you know who I am? :lol:

Every woman is different though. Generally, this lack of effort and imagination will show up later down the line too in a relationship. Only you know if you can deal with it.
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You are stunning!
 
I think it's pretty clear what's going on here and you don't plan on seeing him ever again.

If you had continued to date him you might have ended up full of resentment for constantly having to take the initiative to plan dates/outings. What would happen on a weekend getaway or family vacation when it got serious? You could just take yourself out if that's the case. :nono:
 
Covagirlm said:
So you would have planned the second date ? Even though you planned the first one ? :laugh:
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I would've followed up a couple of days before and asked for specifics. Given the previous conversation, that would be a reminder that I meant what I said about him planning something. And I would've waited for a plan. I probably would've jokingly reminded him that I planned the last one and now it's his turn.

I can't imagine having that talk the day off but if he planned nothing then I probably would've picked a night out that requires more than he might ordinarily spend like an expensive restaurant and a concert followed by something else. And I might choose a place he isn't dressed appropriately for if I was really trying to prove a point but that might be a step too far depending on whether you just want him to get the point or are done with him completely and don't plan on seeing him again.
 
The fact that he keeps saying he isn't perfect a huge red flag. Other women have probably told him that he needs to do a better job of planning dates and I wouldn't be surprised if his lack of planning is one of reasons his previous relationships ended. When he tells you "I'm not perfect" he is telling you that he is lazy, will probably never make the effort to plan a date on his own and he has no interest in changing his ways for you or anybody else at this point in his life.
 
mrselle said:
The fact that he keeps saying he isn't perfect a huge red flag. Other women have probably told him that he needs to do a better job of planning dates and I wouldn't be surprised if his lack of planning is one of reasons his previous relationships ended. When he tells you "I'm not perfect" he is telling you that he is lazy, will probably never make the effort to plan a date on his own and he has no interest in changing his ways for you or anybody else at this point in his life.
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I'm thinking when he says that most women back off, say that he doesn't have to be perfect and then give him what he wants because they don't want to scare him off.
 
mrselle said:
The fact that he keeps saying he isn't perfect a huge red flag. Other women have probably told him that he needs to do a better job of planning dates and I wouldn't be surprised if his lack of planning is one of reasons his previous relationships ended. When he tells you "I'm not perfect" he is telling you that he is lazy, will probably never make the effort to plan a date on his own and he has no interest in changing his ways for you or anybody else at this point in his life.
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ITA:yep:. We need to listen to what men tell us. He is saying loud and clear through his actions that he sees himself as the prize. He is not clueless. He is fully aware of what he is doing. He feels entitled to be lazy because he is a man and has money and is willing to spend it. Money is only a portion of what a woman needs from a man. I wouldn't waste a minute of my life training or begging any man to date me properly.
 
Sumra said:
He sees himself as the prize.

I need to feel like a very special fairy during courting. No matter how eligible, pretty or monied a dude is. I need to sense fear :look: and actual concern about getting things right with me.
hopeful said:
ITA:yep:. We need to listen to what men tell us. He is saying loud and clear through his actions that he sees himself as the prize. He is not clueless. He is fully aware of what he is doing. He feels entitled to be lazy because he is a man and has money and is willing to spend it. Money is only a portion of what a woman needs from a man. I wouldn't waste a minute of my life training or begging any man to date me properly.
Click to expand...

Sounds like this dude is doing the Kanye Shrug a lot lol. I couldn't stand for it. Do you know who I am? :lol:

Every woman is different though. Generally, this lack of effort and imagination will show up later down the line too in a relationship. Only you know if you can deal with it.
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Love it. Love all of this. But yes, he absolutely does. I wouldn't be surprised if later on he would do things to pressure you or try to make you feel as they might stop contacting you if you don't do things his way.

I once mistakenly dated this one guy who said he didn't want to do anything in Manhattan because he drove and didn't want to pay for parking (who actually says that?). I say fine, let's go to BK or somewhere else. Finally for our third date he's pressuring me to go to some arcade in Yonkers because he want to "show me his favorite place." Bruh trying to get me to his crib. He ain't slick.

He said other girls would travel to come to see him and something must be wrong me.

NEVA AGAIN. I DON'T WORK WITH NOBODY, B


Covagirlm said:
I'm thinking when he says that most women back off, say that he doesn't have to be perfect and then give him what he wants because they don't want to scare him off.
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EXACT - ALY. He knows what he's doing.

shortycocoa said:
I think it's pretty clear what's going on here and you don't plan on seeing him ever again.

If you had continued to date him you might have ended up full of resentment for constantly having to take the initiative to plan dates/outings. What would happen on a weekend getaway or family vacation when it got serious? You could just take yourself out if that's the case. :nono:
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I'm saying though!

hopeful said:
ITA:yep:. We need to listen to what men tell us. He is saying loud and clear through his actions that he sees himself as the prize. He is not clueless. He is fully aware of what he is doing. He feels entitled to be lazy because he is a man and has money and is willing to spend it. Money is only a portion of what a woman needs from a man. I wouldn't waste a minute of my life training or begging any man to date me properly.
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They know what they're doing! He has money so it's nothing for him to spend it for a desired outcome.

I remember I went on a date with this one guy that took me to a REALLY nice place for our first date. It must have been like $200 for our meal. That should make me feel special right, because he spent so much on me? WRONG

Would you know he texted me like a month later, talking about "What's up?" BLOCKED THAT FOOL.

He doesn't want to do the actual work of courting me (and plus I think he doesn't really like me and want to string me along until something better comes) but is hoping that because he has a lot of money and is willing to spend it, I will continue to accept crumbs.

Ain't trickin' if you got it...
 
Covagirlm said:
Does he have money though? Paying for a date is regular degular.
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But in a culture where texting someone is considered courting and going to somebody's house is considered a date, he's offering something that a lot of men aren't. Even if a guy is taking you out he's looking for you to "chip in"

For that reason, many women may put up with the shenanigans the poster spoke about above.

Standards are soooo low.
 
The OP has made her choice so it's all water under the bridge.

Just as a side note to what I posted upthread. In my mind there's working with a brotha and then there's that b.s. notion of working with a brotha which means endure any and everything. When I look at dating scenarios, the first thing I do is look for game being run. I am not in the business of giving men the benefit of the doubt so for me to call clueless means I just don't see the f'ery.

Asking somebody on a date and not making plans is socially retarded. 9 times out of 10 a dude who does this is a no-show because of disinterest or embarrassment. But dude showed up and paid, asked for another date, followed through to the next socially retarded phase of asking for a date and not making plans. If he would have pulled a last moment netflix and chill suggestion, there's the game and I would be on Team Bye. This doesn't seem like a set up for a long con either.

Game = 0 Socially Retarded = 2.

There's obviously a downside to dating someone who is just oblivious to the basics but of all the dating scenarios I've seen on the forum this is probably the first where i've been like I don't see the hardship in "working with a brotha". This does not seem like heavy lifting but I acknowledge that we all may have different ideas of what heavy lifting entails.
 
Just read first few posts so far. I personally would find it annoying as heck at first but not a deal breaker. After realizing he's not a planner I would just take over the planning part as long as he's footing 100% of the bill at this point. (He can't be lazy and not paying). We would be doing anything and going everywhere I want every week. The spa, the theatre, the mountains, you name it.

Now if you're looking for a husband and are not the managing type then you may want to move on. But I'm perfectly fine being in control and getting what I want. Him being late and wishy washy at the last minute is absolutely unacceptable though. I would make that clear. If he is late at your door again, I would send him right back where he came from and let him know to try again.
 
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My ex was like this. He never ever made plans. Thing is he planned the first 2 dates we went on and everything after that was on me. But in the beginning I didn't mind saying I want to go here and I want to go there and since you asked me where I want to go don't you dare complain about the price. He never did but it did start to frustrate me. I put my foot down but maybe a little too late. One night we were out and he had no clue where to go. I told him to pick someplace. Do you know me and this man stood on the corner in the snow for nearly a half hour because he didn't know where to go. By this time we had already been together a year. I was like you got another minute and I'm heading home. He finally picked a place that was literally right around the corner. Like dude, how hard was that? It made me not want to make plans with him unless there was someplace I really wanted to go and wanted him to pay for.
 
So I had a guy friend recently explain to me that men in general think women are hard to please.
For example, man would suggest something "let's go out to eat". Woman says OK. Then he says "How about Chinese". Woman says no. "How about Mexican" - no. "Thai it is"- no. List a few more options here, followed by more rejections, man gets upset and no longer wants to go any where. So I asked him how can women combat that because we want men to lead - he said to give them an idea, list of options so he can choose something from the list that will make both of you happy. Do it ahead of time, not last minute. And some men are betas and like direction from an alpha woman.
Crackers Phinn said:
My thoughts mainly come from this:

"We had a decent time. He paid for the date food and drinks. And asked me out again that same day."
"Then I asked him what we would be doing, restaurant, time, etc. He was clueless. He kept saying that he doesn’t know my area well so he wasn’t able to find a restaurant or bar. "

He is clueless about what to do on a date but doesn't mind paying for exactly what his date wants to go do. He understands his role is to provide, he just needs direction. As a professional eater, drinker and leisurely entertainment person I would be absolutely fine with deciding where to go. The area where he needs to be worked with is telling him where we're going ahead a time so I could plan outfits and tell him what time to be ready to go.

I completely understand why the OP is put out. I get it. I'm just staying A clueless dude with an open wallet is a gift from G-d.
Click to expand...
Agree!
LiftedUp said:
My bf is a little similar except that we'd go to the same restaurant every single time. He had a similar reason, that he doesn't know many places. I will admit that he's a nerd and homebody and his favorite venue is in front the tv. I'm the complete opposite.

What I did was provide him with a list of things I like to do and a list of places I like to go. I also told him that he needs to tell me what we're doing not the other way around. He was interested in making the effort though and even ask his coworkers now for advice on places to go and things to do.
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:amen:
PJaye said:
This! He's clueless and unschooled, not close-minded and rigid. I would point him in the right direction and let him know what's expected of him. If he balks, broom him; but if he takes the information in and adapts, it's all good. No matter what any self-help book says, men aren't pre-packaged meals that come out of a box red-ta-go. Dating is where you learn one another's rhythms, figure things out and mesh. Some things can be deal breakers. but this, IMO, is not one of them. I would use this as an opportunity to fine tune him to meet my specific set of needs. I don't view it as working with a brotha, but rather turning a negative into a positive.
Click to expand...
:clapping::clap:
 
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