TrulyBlessed
Well-Known Member
Just received this through email and thought I'd share. Your thoughts?
_____________
Being Single!
Fredrick E. DuBois
The conversation started with quite a routine and simple question. I was sitting at a table of young, black and attractive brothers and sisters. When one of them, apparently wanting to see what their options were simply asked, "Who here is single?" I listened to the answers; a couple of yes's and a couple of no's. It was clear that nobody at the table was married, but that still did not stop some them from proudly declaring that they were not single. This is because if we are in a so-called committed relationship then in our eyes, we are not single. I am of the opinion that by doing so we are not only deceiving ourselves, but depriving ourselves of a beautiful time of our lives, our single years. My position on this is very clearly stated. If you are not married then you are single, and therefore should not make yourself exclusive to anyone unless you are positive that you are ready for marriage, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and financially, within the next 12 months.
The problem is that these monogamous relationships that we engage in simply give us the illusion of commitment. What we have are not committed relationships, they are convenient relationships. Commitment in and of itself is not based on feelings, happiness or pleasure; it is based on principles that are higher than one's self. That is not true of our relationships. They are not based on a higher principle than ourselves. Our relationships serve to please us.
The truth of commitment is reveled only when tested. For most of us, our relationships fail that test on a regular basis. At the point that the person no longer pleases us, or something better comes along, we are free, and most often do leave them. If our partners cease to be sensitive to our feelings, incompatible with our goals and future, or does something that we deem to be unforgivable, then our reaction is to leave. Remember the person that you were "committed? to for 6 months until you just "weren't feeling them anymore?. If we were truly committed, then even if a person was horrible to us and became in every way undesirable to us then we would stay because our obligation to a higher principle, or shall I say our "commitment" would compel us to do so. I don't mean suggest that we should stay in and stick it out no matter what, I only mean to illustrate that what we are doing with these relationships is not commitment. I'm sure that most of us have had at least 3 or 4 or more of these so called "committed? relationships in our day. While they may be monogamous, (and I stress the word "may?), and they may be convenient, they are not committed.
Illusion: -something that deceives by producing a false impression of reality.
-a mistaken perception due to a misinterpretation of a stimulus, believing something to be what it is not.
Being exclusive to one person give you the illusion of emotional security, of commitment, and lures you into feeling safe enough to invest the deepest part of yourselves. When reality does hit, you finally realize that this isn't forever, that you weren't "the one? for them, that they really won't do anything for you, and that they won't accept you just the way that you are. Then you are left emotionally crushed and strapped with countless loads of emotional baggage. All because you believed the mirage, tried to take a drink to fulfill your thirst only to find out that it wasn't water, it was sand.
Marriage is the only appropriate environment for exclusivity. When two people get married they make vows to each other. Do you take ____ to have and to hold, for richer of for poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others solely for them…till death do us part. That, my friend, is commitment.
Exclusivity leads to a deep level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. No one can reasonably argue with the fact that in these monogamous relationships there forms a type of oneness of thought, will, actions, and feelings. If you do, then think of the person with whom you have had the deepest emotional bond. Now think of the person that has caused you the most pain. For most of us it is the same person, because in exclusive relationships there is an openness and vulnerability that is birthed. That type of oneness should be reserved again for marriage when the two really do become one.
Most of us with any level of spiritual background or foundation, whether we live by it or not, believe and understand the physical/sexual intimacy should be reserved for marriage. If then we believe that intimacy from a physical standpoint is reserved for marriage, then why do we think less for emotional intimacy. For if it is inappropriate or harmful for me so share by body with someone before marriage, then why is it not also harmful for me to share the deep parts of my heart as well. One could even argue that aside from disease and pregnancy, the emotional consequences outweigh the physical.
Our society unfortunately has devalued the sacredness of marriage and all that comes with it, by choosing to partake in those things reserved for marriage while being unmarried. We have sex with whomever we choose regardless of the level of relationship, we share bank accounts and we have even gotten to the point that living together has become common practice. With the lines between being single and married as blurred as they are, it's no wonder that we don't value marriage as we once did. Why get married if I can experience all of the benefits of marriage without the commitment of marriage. I submit that our practice of exclusively dating one person is another example of how we are putting marriage-appropriate value on an unmarried situation.
My last point is that dating exclusively hurts your ability to make a sound choice on who your marriage partner will be. When making any important decision, it is always best to get the most information possible. If you spend the majority of your time tied to one individual, then you deprive yourself of exploring other options that might suit you better. It would be a horrible thing to have spent your entire life in one exclusive relationship after the other and then getting married only to wonder what would have happened if you had dated so and so. Or if you would be happier with someone who was more social, or more spiritual or more... whatever, you fill in the blank. We would do good to use the freedom of being single to explore as many of those possibilities as we would like. That allows us to experience a variety of people with different qualities, habits, and characteristic before deciding on one.
Being single is a beautiful time for a person to have freedom of will, movement and actions But I fear that too many of us fall incjto the trap of living our single lives as if we were married and then living our married lives wishing we could be single again.
--
Janelle M. Stiell | Howard University 2004 | 201. 981. 4469 |
_____________
Being Single!
Fredrick E. DuBois
The conversation started with quite a routine and simple question. I was sitting at a table of young, black and attractive brothers and sisters. When one of them, apparently wanting to see what their options were simply asked, "Who here is single?" I listened to the answers; a couple of yes's and a couple of no's. It was clear that nobody at the table was married, but that still did not stop some them from proudly declaring that they were not single. This is because if we are in a so-called committed relationship then in our eyes, we are not single. I am of the opinion that by doing so we are not only deceiving ourselves, but depriving ourselves of a beautiful time of our lives, our single years. My position on this is very clearly stated. If you are not married then you are single, and therefore should not make yourself exclusive to anyone unless you are positive that you are ready for marriage, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and financially, within the next 12 months.
The problem is that these monogamous relationships that we engage in simply give us the illusion of commitment. What we have are not committed relationships, they are convenient relationships. Commitment in and of itself is not based on feelings, happiness or pleasure; it is based on principles that are higher than one's self. That is not true of our relationships. They are not based on a higher principle than ourselves. Our relationships serve to please us.
The truth of commitment is reveled only when tested. For most of us, our relationships fail that test on a regular basis. At the point that the person no longer pleases us, or something better comes along, we are free, and most often do leave them. If our partners cease to be sensitive to our feelings, incompatible with our goals and future, or does something that we deem to be unforgivable, then our reaction is to leave. Remember the person that you were "committed? to for 6 months until you just "weren't feeling them anymore?. If we were truly committed, then even if a person was horrible to us and became in every way undesirable to us then we would stay because our obligation to a higher principle, or shall I say our "commitment" would compel us to do so. I don't mean suggest that we should stay in and stick it out no matter what, I only mean to illustrate that what we are doing with these relationships is not commitment. I'm sure that most of us have had at least 3 or 4 or more of these so called "committed? relationships in our day. While they may be monogamous, (and I stress the word "may?), and they may be convenient, they are not committed.
Illusion: -something that deceives by producing a false impression of reality.
-a mistaken perception due to a misinterpretation of a stimulus, believing something to be what it is not.
Being exclusive to one person give you the illusion of emotional security, of commitment, and lures you into feeling safe enough to invest the deepest part of yourselves. When reality does hit, you finally realize that this isn't forever, that you weren't "the one? for them, that they really won't do anything for you, and that they won't accept you just the way that you are. Then you are left emotionally crushed and strapped with countless loads of emotional baggage. All because you believed the mirage, tried to take a drink to fulfill your thirst only to find out that it wasn't water, it was sand.
Marriage is the only appropriate environment for exclusivity. When two people get married they make vows to each other. Do you take ____ to have and to hold, for richer of for poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others solely for them…till death do us part. That, my friend, is commitment.
Exclusivity leads to a deep level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. No one can reasonably argue with the fact that in these monogamous relationships there forms a type of oneness of thought, will, actions, and feelings. If you do, then think of the person with whom you have had the deepest emotional bond. Now think of the person that has caused you the most pain. For most of us it is the same person, because in exclusive relationships there is an openness and vulnerability that is birthed. That type of oneness should be reserved again for marriage when the two really do become one.
Most of us with any level of spiritual background or foundation, whether we live by it or not, believe and understand the physical/sexual intimacy should be reserved for marriage. If then we believe that intimacy from a physical standpoint is reserved for marriage, then why do we think less for emotional intimacy. For if it is inappropriate or harmful for me so share by body with someone before marriage, then why is it not also harmful for me to share the deep parts of my heart as well. One could even argue that aside from disease and pregnancy, the emotional consequences outweigh the physical.
Our society unfortunately has devalued the sacredness of marriage and all that comes with it, by choosing to partake in those things reserved for marriage while being unmarried. We have sex with whomever we choose regardless of the level of relationship, we share bank accounts and we have even gotten to the point that living together has become common practice. With the lines between being single and married as blurred as they are, it's no wonder that we don't value marriage as we once did. Why get married if I can experience all of the benefits of marriage without the commitment of marriage. I submit that our practice of exclusively dating one person is another example of how we are putting marriage-appropriate value on an unmarried situation.
My last point is that dating exclusively hurts your ability to make a sound choice on who your marriage partner will be. When making any important decision, it is always best to get the most information possible. If you spend the majority of your time tied to one individual, then you deprive yourself of exploring other options that might suit you better. It would be a horrible thing to have spent your entire life in one exclusive relationship after the other and then getting married only to wonder what would have happened if you had dated so and so. Or if you would be happier with someone who was more social, or more spiritual or more... whatever, you fill in the blank. We would do good to use the freedom of being single to explore as many of those possibilities as we would like. That allows us to experience a variety of people with different qualities, habits, and characteristic before deciding on one.
Being single is a beautiful time for a person to have freedom of will, movement and actions But I fear that too many of us fall incjto the trap of living our single lives as if we were married and then living our married lives wishing we could be single again.
--
Janelle M. Stiell | Howard University 2004 | 201. 981. 4469 |
