Are you in a LDR?

msbettyboop

msbettyboop

Well-Known Member
What tips do you have on surviving an LDR? Dealing with the long separation and learning how to build the relationship with so much distance between you. I'm in one and I've never really had conversations with any other women in LDRs, so quite interested in your input if you are in one. TIA.
 
Bunny77 said:
What do you consider long-distance? How long are you and your boo usually separated?
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I guess as long as you're in 2 different cities/towns/countries, etc, it's long distance. We're usually separated for about 4-8 weeks at a time.
 
lafani said:
I guess as long as you're in 2 different cities/towns/countries, etc, it's long distance. We're usually separated for about 4-8 weeks at a time.
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Oh wow, 4-8 weeks! That's tough.

I'm in a different state from my boyfriend, but we usually see each other about every two weeks or so. I will be going to Canada next month for three weeks, and we won't be able to get together for another week after that, so a month apart will be the longest for us. It will be hard, but we've got plans for March and April.

I think what's important is each partner's commitment to keeping the fires burning during the separation. I've "dated" some people in other states, but they never really made the effort to keep things up while we were apart, so that just fizzled out.

Also, I think there should be an end game. Unless we were in school or one/both of us are in the military, I don't believe in LDRs for much longer than a year or two. (Of course, this depends on age too).

Eventually, someone's got to move, or you two jointly move to a chosen place, IMO.

Hope that helps! :yep:
 
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ITA with Bunny - there's distance yes, but it's with an understanding that the both of you are working towards eliminating that distance in the future.

Both partners MUST be on the same page, exerting equal effort to keep it working. So at the very outset both partners must be clear on what the rel/ship means to each and how each is going to deal with the challenges - discuss, discuss, discuss.

It takes a certain level of honesty, trust, loyalty and commitment to keep an LDR functioning as compared to the average rel/ship - both partners have to be made of that kind of material.

Webcams are like manure for LDR's lol. Discussions about what you all are going to do when you spend time together also help because not only do they build anticipation but they create an image of you being together, in the same place.
 
LDRs can be stressful because you're apart majority of the time and you just want to be together. Bunny is right about the end game in mind. Someone or both people have to move eventually (hopefully you're employed in the other place before you go). But it's also the best way of getting to know the mind of your mate because all you can do is talk. Depending on the type of people you are, maintain consistent daily conversation, pictures, poems, letters, emails. depending on maturity of relationship, Phone calls just to say hi, I love you, I miss you, you make me smile. Make sure when you do see each other,it's stress free and fun and genuiyne. It's work but if being apart 4-8wks at a time is worth it...
 
I'm not in an exclusive relationship yet because I'm scared lol but I'm dating someone who's about 2 and a half hours away.

We've just decided to take advantage of the weekends to see each other until I move, which should be in the summer.

Other than that, frequent phone calls help.
 
im in one now...im moving to korea in 6 months and he will still be in the states

he is deployed right now and i am in the states...

we talk everyday, almost...we will see each other every 6 months, till i come back to the states with a ring on my finger and a new last name
 
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I was in one for about 6 months. I was in SoCal, he was in Oregon. We talked pretty much every day, phone and IM, as well as emails. I flew up to Oregon a couple of times, and in the end we both figured we had to see if we were going anywhere, and it made more sense for me to move. It's been 6 years, and I've never regretted it. Bottom line, though, to make it work, communication is key.
 
LOL I guess I am kinda in one now. I hear people complaining of not being able to see their SO for a month and I think to myself stop the whinning it could be worse. Yeah I said it worse. I am married and my DH is in Iraq for 6 months! Count them 1,2,3,4,5,6! I am also in another country where I dont have family to help me oh and did I mention we got twin 6 yr old boys??????? Yeah so it could be worse.

Sorry about the above rant I just needed to get some things off my chest:lachen:

Now the key to a good LDR is first and foremost respect (yes even before communication) I respect DH enough not to be out there in the streets with random people. I also realize that I represent him..... when I am somewhere people dont call me Karla its always that's Peters' wife. I also respect myself my body, mind, and spirt is a gift that I dont give to anyone.
Both parties involved whether married or dating have to be of a mind set of this is what it is and this is what I want with those things in mind a little distance and a couple of weeks should not be a problem.

Ladies if I said anything in my rant to offend anyone I am sorry but I am starting to miss the hubster. 2 months down 4 to go. I can do this!
 
SouthernStunner said:
LOL I guess I am kinda in one now. I hear people complaining of not being able to see their SO for a month and I think to myself stop the whinning it could be worse. Yeah I said it worse. I am married and my DH is in Iraq for 6 months! Count them 1,2,3,4,5,6! I am also in another country where I dont have family to help me oh and did I mention we got twin 6 yr old boys??????? Yeah so it could be worse.

Sorry about the above rant I just needed to get some things off my chest:lachen:

Now the key to a good LDR is first and foremost respect (yes even before communication) I respect DH enough not to be out there in the streets with random people. I also realize that I represent him..... when I am somewhere people dont call me Karla its always that's Peters' wife. I also respect myself my body, mind, and spirt is a gift that I dont give to anyone.
Both parties involved whether married or dating have to be of a mind set of this is what it is and this is what I want with those things in mind a little distance and a couple of weeks should not be a problem.

Ladies if I said anything in my rant to offend anyone I am sorry but I am starting to miss the hubster. 2 months down 4 to go. I can do this!
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no offense taken

if anything, I admire your marriage!
 
SouthernStunner said:
LOL I guess I am kinda in one now. I hear people complaining of not being able to see their SO for a month and I think to myself stop the whinning it could be worse. Yeah I said it worse. I am married and my DH is in Iraq for 6 months! Count them 1,2,3,4,5,6! I am also in another country where I dont have family to help me oh and did I mention we got twin 6 yr old boys??????? Yeah so it could be worse.

Sorry about the above rant I just needed to get some things off my chest:lachen:

Now the key to a good LDR is first and foremost respect (yes even before communication) I respect DH enough not to be out there in the streets with random people. I also realize that I represent him..... when I am somewhere people dont call me Karla its always that's Peters' wife. I also respect myself my body, mind, and spirt is a gift that I dont give to anyone.
Both parties involved whether married or dating have to be of a mind set of this is what it is and this is what I want with those things in mind a little distance and a couple of weeks should not be a problem.

Ladies if I said anything in my rant to offend anyone I am sorry but I am starting to miss the hubster. 2 months down 4 to go. I can do this!
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WOW!!! We did 7 months between Feb & July last year and I'm still not quite sure how we survived that!
 
SouthernStunner... I'm not offended!

One thing that I think is different is that you're married. Let me see if I can explain this correctly, :lol:

If I was simply dating someone, I don't know if I could handle 6 or more months apart like that, only because I wouldn't know how we would be able to build our relationship if we never saw each other. Oddly though, although I'd still miss my man terribly, I think I could handle it though if it was my husband going away for six months versus my boyfriend... probably because we took vows that say that we're in this for life, us against the world and all that good stuff.

I assume too that a foundation had already been built pre-separation so that you all knew you had that rock to keep a long-distance relationship in place.

My story was addressed mainly at the idea of having a relatively new relationship that starts long-distance, and how a new couple can build something in that circumstance. I don't think I could if the guy went away for six months and we just met, say, a few months ago. So saying that I don't know how I could handle a month is more related to the newness of my relationship and not feeling totally grounded in it yet to know we'd get through it unscathed -- although I'm very sure we will!!!
 
SouthernStunner said:
LOL I guess I am kinda in one now. I hear people complaining of not being able to see their SO for a month and I think to myself stop the whinning it could be worse. Yeah I said it worse. I am married and my DH is in Iraq for 6 months! Count them 1,2,3,4,5,6! I am also in another country where I dont have family to help me oh and did I mention we got twin 6 yr old boys??????? Yeah so it could be worse.

Sorry about the above rant I just needed to get some things off my chest:lachen:

!
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I've been where you are honey, and I know exactly how your feel. My DH is retired AF so I've been there--only I was in another state, no family, no friends, and two small children. So here's a big hug for you :bighug:

DH and I started our relationship long distance, so I think that prepared me when we were married for the separations, but they are still very difficult none the less.

Thankfully, all that is over (he doesn't travel much for his current job just an occassional weekend) and we've set out to make up for all the lost time that we shared apart before and during the beginning stages of our marriage. I always think about the times we were apart for so many months, and it makes us appreciate the time we're able to spend with each other now.
 
I am in a LDR (We are seperated by the Atlantic ocean...lol), I will see him again in July *sad face*
We already have a strong bond and we TRUST and RESPECT each other.
I think if you have a solid foundation, you shouldn't have to worry.
But you obviously have to keep in touch, phone, e-mail, chat, skype..what have you.

While you are apart you get a lot of time to reflect and focus on you. I think this distance is a good thing for us and we are talking marriage, so I believe that this a healthy thing for our realtionship, distance does make the heart grow fonder and you get to appreciate the things that truly makes you feel the way you do about your SO.

Just relax and do not worry, worry will drive you nuts.
 
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LDRs are hard work, man I was in one...never again...:nono:. We were separated for about 5 months & it ended :sad:. Communication is the key, along with trust and understanding.

I wish you 2 the best.
 
Hey Bunny,

When I first met DH he went to school 3 hrs away and that doesnt seem far but he didnt have a car and my parents were not the type of people to let me go away and see my new boyfriend. Where would I stay? In his apt. or in a hotel and is he going to be in the hotel too?

Oh I forgot to mention we met right out of high school.

So for a year we saw each other about once a month, talked on the phone often. I had my friends and he had his. In just talking to him and his mindset and how we had so much in common with our values and views I just decided to move to his school. We built on from there.

It takes time and commitment but it can be done. Anything worth having is worth time and effort.

Oh and thanks for letting me rant before.
SouthernStunner
 
these people getting to see their S/O once a month is making me sad. I saw my S/O in July and wont get to see him till March, and the next time in July....then after that i dont know when...:cry:im so jealous
 
SouthernStunner said:
Hey Bunny,

When I first met DH he went to school 3 hrs away and that doesnt seem far but he didnt have a car and my parents were not the type of people to let me go away and see my new boyfriend. Where would I stay? In his apt. or in a hotel and is he going to be in the hotel too?

Oh I forgot to mention we met right out of high school.

So for a year we saw each other about once a month, talked on the phone often. I had my friends and he had his. In just talking to him and his mindset and how we had so much in common with our values and views I just decided to move to his school. We built on from there.

It takes time and commitment but it can be done. Anything worth having is worth time and effort.

Oh and thanks for letting me rant before.
SouthernStunner
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You know, I mentioned this in another thread, but I find that so many people these days want relationships to be easy. I've had so many people choose not to pursue relationships with me because I lived ONE hour from them and they didn't want to deal with that. For real???

I hear so many stories like yours and know that in the past, it was so much more common for couples to be separated for periods of time and there were fewer methods of communication back then to keep in touch. So it kills me when people complain about being an hour away with text messaging, cheap phone plans, e-mail, instant messaging, Skype, Webcams, etc., and talk about how they can't do long-distance relationships.

My boyfriend and I started out long-distance (two different states, four hours apart), so we don't know what it's like to be together on a regular basis. That will definitely be a change for us, but I appreciate his dedication so far to making the distance work (and vice versa).

Actually, my post really had no point :lol:, but your story about how you and your DH sustained an LDR again makes me realize how um, "spoiled" a lot of people can be today about making sacrifices in their relationships!
 
I am just starting one. I know it will be hard and I am glad I clicked on this thread for tips to keep it going. I think if it works out he will move here. Hopefully because the distance is hard and pictures are just that pictures. Good luck to everyone.
 
I was in a LDR for almost three years (college sweetheart in another country then state-LONG STORY!!!). I wouldn't do it again, because I am not the best communicator and things can really get lost in translation w/o having that disadvantage already. Moreover, some men really do like actual face time, and I now realize that my ex's love language was quality time. That's difficult (not impossible, I admit) when you are in another state or country. Oh well, lesson learned for Mango!!! Kudos to anyone who has/can make it work, especially at the dating stage! Marriage, I think, is a different ballgame.
 
I am in a LDR. This is my first LDR and before it, I had vowed to never be in one because it did not seem like something that would work for me. But never say never..lol.
But met a really nice guy and long story short we have been together for some months now.
What keeps us going is that we both believe that this relationship is the best thing for us. We also talk/communicate as much as we can.
 
Sosoothing said:
I am in a LDR. This is my first LDR and before it, I had vowed to never be in one because it did not seem like something that would work for me. But never say never..lol.
But met a really nice guy and long story short we have been together for some months now.
What keeps us going is that we both believe that this relationship is the best thing for us. We also talk/communicate as much as we can.
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That's great Sosoothing and I'm glad you're open to it :yep:

I never thought that I would be in a LDR either until I met my DH. That was almost 20 years ago and what kept us going was letters, cards, and the telephone since we didn't have cells and computers like we do now. DH would send me dozens of roses out of the blue (to my home and to my office at work while we were dating) with cute little notes attached to them.

Our whole relationship was built over the phone and through letters literally, because he was military and couldn't visit as often and we would have liked.

I really encouage LDR if that's what the person wants--perhaps because it was a great experience for me and I feel as though it can be a great experience for someone else
 
I am currently in one now. He's military, and were about 7 hours apart. But anything worth having is worth fighting for. We've been through one 8 month deployment and just started our second one together. Communication is key, now we email each other numerous times a day. Before he was deployed we texted, emailed, instant messged, used skype, and talked on the phone countless times a day everyday. You have to trust the other person, because you don't get that face time. This is the time where you get to learn the most about the person you're with. It's easy to overlook the small things when you see each other everyday. But with an LDR you learn to pick up on the nuances in his voice, the changes in text and email language. When you see someone everyday or mroe often you don't have to be as alert. Also patience is key, you have to be secure in yourself and able to take the time to decipher the truth from false information before jumping to conclusions. Been there done, that and learned. It's not what is said but how it's said.
 
nsmith30 said:
Also patience is key, you have to be secure in yourself
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I wholeheartedly agree. If you're not secure in yourself your mind will play all kinds of tricks on you. I've always been busy (not too busy for my relationship) but I know there is more for me to do than just love him. My social life, friends, and other things I'm involved in really helps with keeping the time moving in between visits. I also strongly believe that it's just as important to cultivate relationships with other people (i.e. friends, family) as it is my SO. I'm learning to sacrifice, support, and go the extra mile for them because it's training me for what's to come in my relationship.

I've been with my SO for 7 years (mostly on than off). We started dating before sophomore year of college (different colleges, states), and after grad school we briefly (a 6-7 months) lived in the same state until work took him to another state. I think what's mostly kept me going is my faith in God, because he gives me the confidence and guidance, that I've needed throughout the years. There's been almost some supernatural things that have kept us together. The most coincidental would be a time that we had hit a rough spot, weren't speaking, I travel home one random weekend and lo and behold he just so happens to be in town because his dad was being honored that same weekend. We also graduated from grad school the same day and time. Stuff like that is what we've shared even though we've been apart.

I can't say that I'm superwoman. I do get a little discouraged every now and again. But that's always a good time for me to check in with him (communicating). Usually any doubt I have at that point disappears.
 
I am in one right now and we just got married. We are separated by the atlantic ocean. It was difficult at first but communication and patience is very important. Hopefully he'll be here sometime this year.

If you want your relationship to work, you have to put in more effort; skype, email, phone, webam, IM you could do it if you wanted. HTH
 
I was in a LDR for 2 years. UGH!!! THE AGONY! We made it work. He graduated with his masters and moved back home. We were 13 hours apart and saw each other if we were lucky, every 4 months. We talked on the phone everyday, several times a day, we sometimes slept together at night (We would sleep with our phones right next to each other on speaker phone and wake each other up in the morning).

I think the distance brought us very close. We just broke up on Thursday, it would have been 3 years in march. Unfortunately i'm going to med school for four years and he didn't want to follow me. I can't do another 4 years of distance. I'm very sad but i noticed it's always expected for the female to move, I would've moved for him if it wasn't for school but I have worked too hard to give up my dream and unfortunately have to go wherever i'm accepted. Anyways, I think distance can work if you have trust and honesty part down, and also, someone is going to have to move in the end...it can't go on forever.
 
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