Are you emotionally unavailable?

[CarLiTa]

The conversation has so far been about men... But are you an emotionally unavailable woman (EUW)?

How do you know that you are? Were you always this way, or did something happen that led you down that path?
How does this affect your relationships with men?
Can you share some concrete examples of when your unavailability has played out?
Are you trying to become more emotionally available? If so, how?

Thanks!

 

[cocomochaa]

I guess I have been. I'm used to a pattern once the patten is changed I get paranoid and kinda self sabotage.

I've had 2 relationships the first was with an on and off. we kept going back and forth but really, constantly breaking up meant I couldn't get comfortable. i always had my guard up because 'sooner or later he's gonna mess up'. The last time we made a go of things freaked me out because things were going well, so much so I woke up in a panic and said to myself 'omg i've fallen for him all over again' That day I sent him a text saying i needed to clear my head, i was stressed and needed to not talk to anyone. We broke up soon after (thank goodness, just a bad relationship) but i realised recently the reason i kept taking him back was because it was safe. I knew he would mess up so that way i had a reason to keep my guard up as opposed to leaving and finding someone new.

the other is my famous 'the one that got away' i messed the show real bad. From the jump he was serious about me and it freaked me out. I had always prayed to meet a guy like him and during our first date i called my friend and said he's the one...countdown to my breakdown. He wanted to see me and shower me with everything while we dated not overpoweringly but in a sincere manner. I of course played it cool not because I wanted to take it slow but because i guess i didn't know how to let someone love me.

Anywho we got together and things were rosey until he started getting stressed from work. I remember him saying 'well ok then' one night and i panicked. In my mind he was beginning to hate me. Instead of asking what was wrong and talking about it I proceeded to retreat and literally treated him like he was a bug-a-boo. Long story short I broke up with him, he begged, I took the pi55, he moved on.

Roundup: My issue is allowing someone to get real close to me and exceeding my expectations because then you can let me down or even worse realise i'm just a load of smoke and mirrors. if you get too close, there's a chance i'll pull away at the first sign of trouble. I'm always looking for a way out.
This is all fueled by my fear of abandonment ( i have daddy issues surprise surprise and an eletktra complex). if i don't let you get close to me then i won't care if you leave.


I've had a chance to sit down and analyse myself deeply. I've been honest about where i've gone wrong and moving forward i need to communicate more, not shut down at the first sign of trouble and to stop taking things so personally (also applies to friendships)
I want to be more available, we'll see with the next guy.

 

[jeanghrey]

I guess I have been. I'm used to a pattern once the patten is changed I get paranoid and kinda self sabotage.

I've had 2 relationships the first was with an on and off. we kept going back and forth but really, constantly breaking up meant I couldn't get comfortable. i always had my guard up because 'sooner or later he's gonna mess up'. The last time we made a go of things freaked me out because things were going well, so much so I woke up in a panic and said to myself 'omg i've fallen for him all over again' That day I sent him a text saying i needed to clear my head, i was stressed and needed to not talk to anyone. We broke up soon after (thank goodness, just a bad relationship) but i realised recently the reason i kept taking him back was because it was safe. I knew he would mess up so that way i had a reason to keep my guard up as opposed to leaving and finding someone new.

the other is my famous 'the one that got away' i messed the show real bad. From the jump he was serious about me and it freaked me out. I had always prayed to meet a guy like him and during our first date i called my friend and said he's the one...countdown to my breakdown. He wanted to see me and shower me with everything while we dated not overpoweringly but in a sincere manner. I of course played it cool not because I wanted to take it slow but because i guess i didn't know how to let someone love me.

Anywho we got together and things were rosey until he started getting stressed from work. I remember him saying 'well ok then' one night and i panicked. In my mind he was beginning to hate me. Instead of asking what was wrong and talking about it I proceeded to retreat and literally treated him like he was a bug-a-boo. Long story short I broke up with him, he begged, I took the pi55, he moved on.

Roundup: My issue is allowing someone to get real close to me and exceeding my expectations because then you can let me down or even worse realise i'm just a load of smoke and mirrors. if you get too close, there's a chance i'll pull away at the first sign of trouble. I'm always looking for a way out.
This is all fueled by my fear of abandonment ( i have daddy issues surprise surprise and an eletktra complex). if i don't let you get close to me then i won't care if you leave.


I've had a chance to sit down and analyse myself deeply. I've been honest about where i've gone wrong and moving forward i need to communicate more, not shut down at the first sign of trouble and to stop taking things so personally (also applies to friendships)
I want to be more available, we'll see with the next guy.

I think we were seperated at birth

Seriously though after turning 35 this year, I'm taking a good hard lok at myself and the role I've played in sabotaging relationships, romantic and otherwise. The bolded sums me it up perfectly, I've encountered so signficant losses via breakups, deaths, abandonment that I tend to keep certain parameters around myself and only after knowing someone for a long while can u get towards the inner circle. Even then the more invested in a relationship I am the fear that it will crash and burn comes, which ultimately becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I've started to accept I may never find "the one" and need to work on moving forward enjoying life for me.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

I have been told I have detachment issues, and can come off real rigid or not emotional. I guess because I never want to be made to look a fool again in love I have kept my guard up as folks say Im seriously guarded. One day at a time I suppose. I would love to not be so intense though..that's another topic.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Yes and it was a multitude of things that have happened.

 

[CarLiTa]

Thanks ladies!

I am also emotionally unavailable. I've always been, I think. However, it didn't surface until my last relationship. He was a very emotionally open person, whereas I was the total opposite. I eventually grew to admire and tried to emulate his openness, but this came at huge costs for our relationships. He used to ask me why I insisted on shutting him out, or why I wasn't asking questions about him, etc. etc. in the early stages, and I would think huh? I had no idea what "being open" meant and looked like in practice.

Throughout the relationship, I would make a concerted effort to be affectionate, to share my thoughts on things, to just be expressive, complimentary, etc. I'm very low-key in general, and to be bubbly requires that I put myself in that mindset beforehand I would see that when I WAS being "extra," he would be/look SO happy, and he would recount those memories with a lot of fondness. I don't know if he knew that I was trying extra hard during those times.

Anyway, since that relationship, I'm back to being cold and distant... but at the same time, I've also learned to "fake" openness/bubbliness, especially with new guys I meet. I give an inaccurate first impression of me. I put on a facade in the early stages of dating that hides the fact that I'm not available, but then I don't keep it up long enough-- and that becomes a problem. A lot of guys discover quickly that I am not as open as they imagined. It's caused things to end badly with several of them in the past 1.5 years.

The thing is, while I am admittedly emotionally unavailable, I do NOT like emotionally unavailable men
I think what I am hoping for is someone who will model emotionally available behavior, and pretty much be patient as I eventually come out of that protective shell

Emotionally unavailable guys really turn me off, because what does it look like to have 2 EU people dating each other? NOTHING gets off the ground. I end up feeling like I have to compensate for their lack of openness, and that makes me feel too vulnerable. I can't take it-- so I end it, swiftly and coldly.

On the other hand, emotionally available guys who are NOT patient also turn me off. Some guys have expressed disappointment that I don't seem to reciprocate the effort that they are putting in... Okay... just give me time. By then they get frustrated, and things end, you know?

So, basically, I am NOT winning by being this way And I REALLY want to change that. It makes me passive, out of fear, and just aloof in general. When I say I want to be more assertive in my dating, I mean allowing myself to be vulnerable, but also helping to move things along in the direction that I want them to go

 

[CarLiTa]

Seems like a common thread is fear of getting hurt

 

[O-ren]

Throughout the relationship, I would make a concerted effort to be affectionate, to share my thoughts on things, to just be expressive, complimentary, etc. I'm very low-key in general, and to be bubbly requires that I put myself in that mindset beforehand I would see that when I WAS being "extra," he would be/look SO happy, and he would recount those memories with a lot of fondness. I don't know if he knew that I was trying extra hard during those times.

Anyway, since that relationship, I'm back to being cold and distant... but at the same time, I've also learned to "fake" openness/bubbliness, especially with new guys I meet. I give an inaccurate first impression of me. I put on a facade in the early stages of dating that hides the fact that I'm not available, but then I don't keep it up long enough-- and that becomes a problem. A lot of guys discover quickly that I am not as open as they imagined. It's caused things to end badly with several of them in the past 1.5 years.

The thing is, while I am admittedly emotionally unavailable, I do NOT like emotionally unavailable men
I think what I am hoping for is someone who will model emotionally available behavior, and pretty much be patient as I eventually come out of that protective shell

Emotionally unavailable guys really turn me off, because what does it look like to have 2 EU people dating each other? NOTHING gets off the ground. I end up feeling like I have to compensate for their lack of openness, and that makes me feel too vulnerable. I can't take it-- so I end it, swiftly and coldly.

Wow this is me all day.

Capricorn any chance?

 

[CarLiTa]

Believe it or not, O-ren, I'm a Cancer

We are supposed to be uber emotional...
Actually, last guy I dated was a Capricorn. Ugh. I can't deal with the emotional unavailability. So, I ended things.
I like Pisces and Cancers... so long as they're not as promiscuous as they tend to be

 

[O-ren]

LOL funny you say that cos as a Cap I am pretty much emotional unavailable for the most part and I like Pisces men cos they are the opposite.

uber emotional yea..the Cancer Im dealing with is seriously getting on my nerves with that ish.

Frankly I think all that unavailability goes away when you find someone worth being open with who is also willing to be patient.

 

[tinkat]

I totally wrote a long post for it to just poof!!! I'll do it again later.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[ChasingBliss]

If I remember correctly Natalie describes the emotionally unavailable female a bit differently....she's more like the fall back girl she writes about. Emotionally unavailable women actually think they are emotionally available. Not much like what you guys described. But I could be interpreting things wrong. I dunno.

 

[tinkat]

If I remember correctly Natalie describes the emotionally unavailable female a bit differently....she's more like the fall back girl she writes about. Emotionally unavailable women actually think they are emotionally available. Not much like what you guys described. But I could be interpreting things wrong. I dunno.

Yes you are right that is one version of being emotionally available and I was describing myself as that at one point of time. But what has been described in this thread is also emotional unavailability.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[CarLiTa]

What is the fallback girl, ChasingBliss?

tinkat, what is your experience with unavailability?

 

[ChasingBliss]

What is the fallback girl, @ChasingBliss?

@tinkat, what is your experience with unavailability?

CarLiTa
Lemme see if I can remember...

Basically a woman who does what ever it takes to be with a man who is not emotionally available to her. She makes excuses for all his ugly "assclown" behaviors and sticks it out like a trooper until he finally dumps her. She knows deep down inside this is not what love is supposed to be, but she wont let go. She thinks she doing what is right because she is a good girl and if she just hangs in there things will change. If he strings her up and down like a yo yo, she goes along with it, complains about what he's doing but doesnt go anywhere. Nat says a woman like this basically is emotionally unavailable herself because she attaches to this type of man. He basically does everything she expects without her realizing it. Her concepts about love and passion are *** backwards....etc. His wrong doing ignites her passions and she thinks it's love...

A woman like this wouldnt know what to do with an emotionally AVAILABLE man if he walked up to her and sat on her. And stuff like this.

You can get a much better explaination from her book or her site
www.baggagereclaim.com

 

[tinkat]

CarLiTa

I use to think I was emotionally available for a relationship until I starting "seeing" the last guy. He was definitely emotionally unavailable and by entertaining my time with him I was also emotionally unavailable. It was very humbling to realize that by wasting my time on this person, I was also accepting that this is was what I thought deserved.

Hindsight 20/20, I realized that my self esteem was low (humbling observation) bc of what I was now tolerating from him. It was like tinkat was not the same. I was giving giving giving while not getting what I deserved. When you give too much of yourself, you began to lose who you are as a person. I was allowing the worst of me to come out as time progressed.

I had to realize that love was not a need but love is already there, within you. Then I began to look at another previous relationship which truly had love but emotionally tired at the end. Both had a common theme, I was emotionally drained but the last guy was truly a wake up call. I learned that before I could love someone I had to whole heartedly love myself. Codependency is not love and many people love that way.

Now that I have been truly by myself for awhile, tinkat is coming back. I see things for what they are. I now have and will keep the boundaries that I lost at one point of time.

I definitely have the side effects still though. I like not being close to someone even though I miss companionship. Love can make your judgement cloudy and its sharp again. I say I have reservations about letting someone close to me again. I am trying to make sure that I am guarding my heart for protection (bc I can take care of it the best) versus out of fear. The best method is taking it slow for me. I am a work in progress.

I know you asked chasingbliss but a fall back girl is the girl that always ends up with emotionally unavailable men. She can come in different variations even if she appears well put together and no problems with getting guys in general. Adele, mary j blige, and lauryn hill have great fall back girl music lol.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[tinkat]

Also her book is great. It goes into more detail and she has great articles.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[CarLiTa]

CarLiTa
Lemme see if I can remember...

Basically a woman who does what ever it takes to be with a man who is not emotionally available to her. She makes excuses for all his ugly "assclown" behaviors and sticks it out like a trooper until he finally dumps her. She knows deep down inside this is not what love is supposed to be, but she wont let go. She thinks she doing what is right because she is a good girl and if she just hangs in there things will change. If he strings her up and down like a yo yo, she goes along with it, complains about what he's doing but doesnt go anywhere. Nat says a woman like this basically is emotionally unavailable herself because she attaches to this type of man. He basically does everything she expects without her realizing it. Her concepts about love and passion are *** backwards....etc. His wrong doing ignites her passions and she thinks it's love...

A woman like this wouldnt know what to do with an emotionally AVAILABLE man if he walked up to her and sat on her. And stuff like this.

You can get a much better explaination from her book or her site
www.baggagereclaim.com

Hm, really interesting... Though, to me, that sounds more like an extreme doormat, the one who wants to draw emotions out of a guy whose heart is closed off. I do like baggagereclaim. Some good articles on there

 

[CarLiTa]

CarLiTa

I use to think I was emotionally available for a relationship until I starting "seeing" the last guy. He was definitely emotionally unavailable and by entertaining my time with him I was also emotionally unavailable. It was very humbling to realize that by wasting my time on this person, I was also accepting that this is was what I thought deserved.

Hindsight 20/20, I realized that my self esteem was low (humbling observation) bc of what I was now tolerating from him. It was like tinkat was not the same. I was giving giving giving while not getting what I deserved. When you give too much of yourself, you began to lose who you are as a person. I was allowing the worst of me to come out as time progressed.

I had to realize that love was not a need but love is already there, within you. Then I began to look at another previous relationship which truly had love but emotionally tired at the end. Both had a common theme, I was emotionally drained but the last guy was truly a wake up call. I learned that before I could love someone I had to whole heartedly love myself. Codependency is not love and many people love that way.

Now that I have been truly by myself for awhile, tinkat is coming back. I see things for what they are. I now have and will keep the boundaries that I lost at one point of time.

I definitely have the side effects still though. I like not being close to someone even though I miss companionship. Love can make your judgement cloudy and its sharp again. I say I have reservations about letting someone close to me again. I am trying to make sure that I am guarding my heart for protection (bc I can take care of it the best) versus out of fear. The best method is taking it slow for me. I am a work in progress.

I know you asked chasingbliss but a fall back girl is the girl that always ends up with emotionally unavailable men. She can come in different variations even if she appears well put together and no problems with getting guys in general. Adele, mary j blige, and lauryn hill have great fall back girl music lol.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

The first bolded is so true-- I think by trying to be with people who are not good for us, we can shut our hearts off to whatever other good thing might come our way. I have definitely been there... and wondered what I was smoking.

I am like you in that I need things to move slowly... very slowly... with lots of genuine communication and pressure-less situations. I think that is so important for people in our predicament. Now, it's accomplishing that setting that can difficult

 

[tinkat]

The first bolded is so true-- I think by trying to be with people who are not good for us, we can shut our hearts off to whatever other good thing might come our way. I have definitely been there... and wondered what I was smoking.

I am like you in that I need things to move slowly... very slowly... with lots of genuine communication and pressure-less situations. I think that is so important for people in our predicament. Now, it's accomplishing that setting that can difficult

Yes I agree with the communication and low key environment. Energy is everything. Since I have made an effort to get rid of baggage (people not worthy of my time) and self reflect, the guys that are not available emotionally are not gravitating towards me like before. I am learning that I have to be available fully in order to attract that guy. Everything that I want in a guy I have to reflect.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[ChasingBliss]

Hm, really interesting... Though, to me, that sounds more like an extreme doormat, the one who wants to draw emotions out of a guy whose heart is closed off. I do like baggagereclaim. Some good articles on there

Youre right...I think this is more how I interpreted things on a whole....Nat explains her own stuff way better.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yes I agree with the communication and low key environment. Energy is everything. Since I have made an effort to get rid of baggage (people not worthy of my time) and self reflect, the guys that are not available emotionally are not gravitating towards me like before. I am learning that I have to be available fully in order to attract that guy. Everything that I want in a guy I have to reflect.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

Hm, I gotta do what you're doing, because some are still approaching me

 

[tinkat]

Hm, I gotta do what you're doing, because some are still approaching me

I think that a guy can still approach you that is not available while you are available, but it never goes anywhere bc of your clear boundaries. The quality of the available men increases although quantity of men may decrease.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[LoveisYou]

I have been the emotionally unavailable woman, and I have dated emotionally unavailable men. I ended my last relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, though he had some really great qualities. He's the silent type who would do for you but couldn't communicate. I felt like he had built a wall around him, so people wouldn't get too close. Yet I had done the same, I was also very guarded. It wasn't a good situation.

I decided to stop dating. It was senseless, I obviously needed healing. I needed to understand the root causes of my emotional unavailability. I needed to understand why I chose emotionally unavailable men. I realized that I would have to deal with my insecurities on a personal level. I had to evaluate myself, not just the men I dated. Healing is definitely a process, but I am much more aware and knowledgeable. I know what I want.

On the road to trying to "fix" ourselves, I notice that sometimes women go on to the other extreme of the spectrum, they become too open too soon or they are too emotionally available to the wrong men. Be careful with that too, it's a recipe for disaster, and will only further your EU when the dusts settles.

Sometimes we just need to slow down. Building a relationship takes time. Communication is key, you learn a lot about people from what they say. Take your time to get to know someone. The fear and uncertainty will probably be there, but slowing down can help you to build trust and avoid men/situations that aren't for you. Ultimately a man will show you who he is, give him the time to do so instead of rushing.

 

[Rina88]

I have been told I have detachment issues, and can come off real rigid or not emotional. I guess because I never want to be made to look a fool again in love I have kept my guard up as folks say Im seriously guarded. One day at a time I suppose. I would love to not be so intense though..that's another topic.

This is me all day. The things is IDGAF. I firmly believe in "Once fool shame on you, twice fool shame on me", so now that's crossed over into my love life- or lack thereof. The last guy I was involved with I was in love- haven't been in an relationship since (almost 3 yrs). I don't have confidence in people, especially men. As I've grown older I've realized IDGAF about a lot of things and I don't know how to fix it. I tend to think of terms in black or white so I'm sure that adds to my rigidness and overall demeanor. I've always analyzed every single angle concerning everything, and since I automatically expect a man to be an inconsiderate idiot and fudge up my life eventually, I keep my distance. I feel I have more important things to deal with then the ensuing drama of a romantic relationship. I don't need a leech sucking the life out of me.

 

[KPH]

I find once I start to care a lot lot I back off...more like run for the hills. I have a friend that I have been chatting it up with since h.s. He's on his second wife and told me once he's divorced (one day) he will not marry again and I laughed so hard at him. I actually told him no one wants to marry him after this marriage and he stopped chatting it up with me so much. For some reason I found that funny though. He thinks he's the cat's meow and women are in line to become the next Mrs. (guess I hurt his feeling...oh well!)

Now the lastest Mr. Potential Boo...well, I got a new cell and never gave him my number and I haven't called him....something won't let me.

 

[CurliDiva]

I was talking to a friend and she said that that she would not date anyone who was not PRO gay marriage yet she doesn't have a strong opinion on any hot topics such as taxes, abortion, immigration, etc..


I asked her why "gay marriage" was (especially since I don't think the average straight person may not a strong opinion onw way or another) her line in the sand for accepting a DATE and she could not articulate a reason why this would make a guy a potenital bad life partner.

 

[LuvlyLife]

Believe it or not, O-ren, I'm a Cancer

We are supposed to be uber emotional...
Actually, last guy I dated was a Capricorn. Ugh. I can't deal with the emotional unavailability. So, I ended things.
I like Pisces and Cancers... so long as they're not as promiscuous as they tend to be

We are emotional...but we have a shell and we move sideways.
I'm emotionally unavailable and unashamed. I've tried being open too soon and was hurt severely. So now people need to prove themselves before I open up. I also don't expect other people to open up to me very fast.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yeah, Cancers have the fragile shell. It's frustrating.
I really don't want to be emotionally unavailable. I don't think it's helping me one bit. Some degree of cautiousness is great, but from time to time I take it to the extreme. In some cases, I have reason to.
I guess it's true, though, haven't found the person who makes me want to and feel safe to crawl out of the shell. I am really wanting that.

 

[tinkat]

Yeah, Cancers have the fragile shell. It's frustrating.
I really don't want to be emotionally unavailable. I don't think it's helping me one bit. Some degree of cautiousness is great, but from time to time I take it to the extreme. In some cases, I have reason to.
I guess it's true, though, haven't found the person who makes me want to and feel safe to crawl out of the shell. I am really wanting that.

Aw you are a cancer...Yep super cautious in that protective shell.