Anyone on the 2nd or more marriage?

[gone_fishing]

I was married for 6 years previously and I've been divorced now for almost 2.5 years.

I'm engaged now and I'm getting married August 2008.

They say your second marriage has a lower rate of success than the first - but I don't see how that can be if you learned from your mistakes the first time.

I'm just wondering what you learned between your first and your second marriage and if there's any advice you want to offer.

I'm interested to know how the transition worked for you and how you re-established role particularly if one or both of you have children.

Thanks.

 

[Shimmie]

I was married for 6 years previously and I've been divorced now for almost 2.5 years.

I'm engaged now and I'm getting married August 2008.

They say your second marriage has a lower rate of success than the first - but I don't see how that can be if you learned from your mistakes the first time.

I'm just wondering what you learned between your first and your second marriage and if there's any advice you want to offer.

I'm interested to know how the transition worked for you and how you re-established role particularly if one or both of you have children.

Thanks.

Adequate, although I don't have a personal experience to share I will share this.

Before any negative experiences are posted, I'm planting a 'seed' which will never be uprooted in your spirit.

You have something that the 'others' (who failed) don't. God is on your side and I'll add something more. You have a heart and a desire to be God's best in all that you do. And this also, You have Prayers that have gone up for you to never fail in anything that you pursue. "This I know for God is for you..."

I have His word to back up all that I've said.

I wish you thread a success in obtaining different experiences and perspectives. However, the negative stats are not your lot.

 

[facets]

Second here. I was only 18 the first time, married 1.5 yrs, first boyfriend etc. I don't feel that it has any bearing on this marriage. My ex did find me on Myspace recently and wrote to my friends, including dh trying to contact me. uhh.nnuhuh.

I changed so much over time ( it was 10+ years between)and they are very different men. I don't buy into the doom and gloom about subsequent marriages either.

***
Wonderful post Shimmie! ITA! Amen!

 

[Golong]

I believe second marriages can be a second chance at happieness. Eventhough Statistics say each consecutive marriage results in higher failure rates, I have seen some real life situations that survived the odds.

I know a couple from exteremly different backrounds (strike 1) where he is on his second marriage and she her first (strike 2) and they both have children from previous relationships (strike 3). According to the stats, blended families especially after divorce is doomed from the get, but they are happily going on year 3. All odds where against them..but anything is possible.

 

[caltron]

I don't think those statistics mean anything, especially if you were young when you first got married. The people who get married over and over again are probably just people who don't learn anything from their past relationship or who just have major issues in general.

 

[MissYocairis]

I was married for 6 years previously and I've been divorced now for almost 2.5 years.

I'm engaged now and I'm getting married August 2008.

They say your second marriage has a lower rate of success than the first - but I don't see how that can be if you learned from your mistakes the first time.

I'm just wondering what you learned between your first and your second marriage and if there's any advice you want to offer.

I'm interested to know how the transition worked for you and how you re-established role particularly if one or both of you have children.

Thanks.

Congratulations Adequate! I'm not engaged but I feel you. I was married 8 years. It was BOOTCAMP! I learned SO MUCH about life and myself. I have been divorced 5 years and that too, has been a tremendous learning experience. When I do remarry, it will be sooooo much different because I am sooo different as I am sure you are too.

Don't pay any attention to the statistics. Just do you and live your own highest truth. I am sure it will be a lasting and loving union. Congrats again!

 

[Integrity]

I have been divorced 5 years and that too, has been a tremendous learning experience. When I do remarry, it will be sooooo much different because I am sooo different as I am sure you are too.

if you dont mind, how would you do things differently next time round?

 

[Integrity]

I don't think those statistics mean anything, especially if you were young when you first got married. .

ITA! It is a totally different thing if your first marriage was when you were young, say before 25 years

 

[MissYocairis]

if you dont mind, how would you do things differently next time round?

...well I was too young and a brat. I'd never had to work for much, was spoiled and thought I knew EVERYTHING. (I was 23)

I have learned a LOT about human nature so my paradigm shifted into something completely different. I don't perceive, approach, nor respond in the same manner I used to.

Other than that.....

Never keep score.

Love without expectations.

You cannot change another person....but you can inspire them with love and acceptance.

Passion is important. Reigniting it takes work. It's normal for things to fizzle but you CAN reignite it over and over.

Human beings make mistakes....

Much of how we function is based in childhood experiences...defense mechanisms and all.

.......be back with more later.....

 

[nadz]

...well I was too young and a brat. I'd never had to work for much, was spoiled and thought I knew EVERYTHING. (I was 23)

I have learned a LOT about human nature so my paradigm shifted into something completely different. I don't perceive, approach, nor respond in the same manner I used to.

Other than that.....

Never keep score.

Love without expectations.

You cannot change another person....but you can inspire them with love and acceptance.

Passion is important. Reigniting it takes work. It's normal for things to fizzle but you CAN reignite it over and over.

Human beings make mistakes....

Much of how we function is based in childhood experiences...defense mechanisms and all.

.......be back with more later.....

I just love this post. Thanks

 

[MissYocairis]

I just love this post. Thanks

Thanks, Nadz!

.....another one;

CONTROL never works.

.....and;

Fight fair. Don't fight to win because is one wins, one has to lose which means you BOTH lose.

.....also;

stay away from "you always" and "you never"....give your spouse credit for his good qualities even when you are upset with him. Focus more on finding solutions together instead of focusing most on the problem.

......one more;

remember why you love him even when you are disappointed with him or he's getting on your nerves. Often times, the very things you adore about his personality will have a 'flip side' that will irritate the heck out of you....accept both sides of him and love him for it anyway.

 

[mscocoface]

I can add something to this. I was married to my high school sweetheart. We had dated since the 10th grade and I was married to him for 20 years. So in total we had been together for about 27 years.

I never ever thought I would be with anyone accept him. I married for love and all its baggage. This man put me through some paces to where I had to determine which vow I was going to keep the vow to stay in my marriage or the vow to where I promised God I would be the best mother I could.

Staying with my first husband I was losing myself and therefore not being the best mother I could be.

I was divorced for 5 years of the 5 four of them I dated a man who is truly a man of God, he prays and reads the bible every single day and we pray with each other every morning and night. All of this was before our wedding which was July 7 of this year.

We both have children and we wanted them to get use to the idea of each of us seeing each other as well as me coming out of a divorce and him just becoming a widow. We created a business together, started working on what we believed our purpose for God was as a couple and took countless over the phone couple courses and nightly scripture readings.

This was long, hard and difficult, but I would not change a thing. I know this man's heart, how he feels about me and what he would sacrifice for me. He in turn knows the same about me. We have even taken a step family class and the facilitators were so impressed with our commitment to each other and our wedding ceremony that they want to use us in their next classes starting in September. We have fought a good fight and have matured and been blessed and now we believe we can show others and teach others how to really be successful the second time around.

We are not naive to think there won't be difficult times, be we know we can depend upon each other to pray and seek God to see us through.

My love for this man is different it is based on a foundation of love, mutual respect and what I have seen of his character as a man of God.

One of the main questions we have set up to ask each other any time we want is: How is your heart? That means am I doing everything I can to make you feel loved and appreciated and if I am not you can tell me right now what I missed or have not been taking care of with regards to your heart being satisfied by me.

My first love was waaaaaay different, I wish someone would have taught me some of the things to look for and understand when looking for a mate when I was much younger.

I am teaching my son what those things are now when he is 14 so he will know automatically if and when the right person is the RIGHT person.

 

[MissYocairis]

I can add something to this. I was married to my high school sweetheart. We had dated since the 10th grade and I was married to him for 20 years. So in total we had been together for about 27 years.

I never ever thought I would be with anyone accept him. I married for love and all its baggage. This man put me through some paces to where I had to determine which vow I was going to keep the vow to stay in my marriage or the vow to where I promised God I would be the best mother I could.

Staying with my first husband I was losing myself and therefore not being the best mother I could be.

I was divorced for 5 years of the 5 four of them I dated a man who is truly a man of God, he prays and reads the bible every single day and we pray with each other every morning and night. All of this was before our wedding which was July 7 of this year.

We both have children and we wanted them to get use to the idea of each of us seeing each other as well as me coming out of a divorce and him just becoming a widow. We created a business together, started working on what we believed our purpose for God was as a couple and took countless over the phone couple courses and nightly scripture readings.

This was long, hard and difficult, but I would not change a thing. I know this man's heart, how he feels about me and what he would sacrifice for me. He in turn knows the same about me. We have even taken a step family class and the facilitators were so impressed with our commitment to each other and our wedding ceremony that they want to use us in their next classes starting in September. We have fought a good fight and have matured and been blessed and now we believe we can show others and teach others how to really be successful the second time around.

We are not naive to think there won't be difficult times, be we know we can depend upon each other to pray and seek God to see us through.

My love for this man is different it is based on a foundation of love, mutual respect and what I have seen of his character as a man of God.

One of the main questions we have set up to ask each other any time we want is: How is your heart? That means am I doing everything I can to make you feel loved and appreciated and if I am not you can tell me right now what I missed or have not been taking care of with regards to your heart being satisfied by me.

My first love was waaaaaay different, I wish someone would have taught me some of the things to look for and understand when looking for a mate when I was much younger.

I am teaching my son what those things are now when he is 14 so he will know automatically if and when the right person is the RIGHT person.

What a beautiful story! Congratulations, MsCoCo!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I typed a LOOOONNNGG response here, and deleted it. I don't want to start any drama.

I'll just say this: When you decide to remarry, I think you have an *obligation* to your children first. People get so starry eyed and blissed out that they gloss over or flat out ignore how miserable their kids are in this living situation. Then the kids act out more and more... which makes the home a place of conflict instead of sanctuary. Divorce #2 (or 3 or 4 etc) soon follows.

Please pay attention to how your children really feel, without making them think they are snatching away your one shred of happiness.

If, God forbid, DH left me or died young, I'd not remarry until my children were grown, and out on their own. Only then would I even consider dating.

 

[sunnydaze]

I typed a LOOOONNNGG response here, and deleted it. I don't want to start any drama.

I'll just say this: When you decide to remarry, I think you have an *obligation* to your children first. People get so starry eyed and blissed out that they gloss over or flat out ignore how miserable their kids are in this living situation. Then the kids act out more and more... which makes the home a place of conflict instead of sanctuary. Divorce #2 (or 3 or 4 etc) soon follows.

Please pay attention to how your children really feel, without making them think they are snatching away your one shred of happiness.

If, God forbid, DH left me or died young, I'd not remarry until my children were grown, and out on their own. Only then would I even consider dating.

I use to think that way, but now that I am divorced I do not. I have had people ask me if I am ready to start dating and I am like "no, not at all" I am 35 with an 18 month old daughter. I have alot of things that I want to work on before worrying about the next man I am going to be with.

BUT, if I were to wait until my daugher was grown before I dated again, that would make me 53 (if assuming grown you mean at least 18). I have no intention on waiting that long!

Right now the thought of dating anyone and having a small child is a little scary to me, so I just don't deal with it. But I do know that I enjoyed being a wife and want to be one again. I think I will be ready to casually date in about 1 1/2 -2 years, but not introduce anyone to my daughter unless he is on the road to being my second husband.

 

[MissYocairis]

Yeah, I have to disagree with waiting until the children are grown before remarrying too but I do agree that they have some very important healing and adjusting to do after a divorce. Time should be taken to facilitate that process. But it isn't necessarily healthy for you or them to put off moving forward (love and marriage) until they are grown. My mom did this and sacrificed two very serious relationships because she wouldn't marry and I am now 37 and she never did remarry.

It goes without saying that there is an art to incorporating a new man in with your kids....but, beyond all that, if he's a good man, I don't believe in sacrificing my future completely for my children who will one day leave the nest to live their own lives. I don't believe God intended us to be that long-suffering for our children...they are resilient and have a huge life of possibilities ahead of them.

 

[sunnydaze]

Yeah, I have to disagree with waiting until the children are grown before remarrying too but I do agree that they have some very important healing and adjusting to do after a divorce. Time should be taken to facilitate that process. But it isn't necessarily healthy for you or them to put off moving forward (love and marriage) until they are grown. My mom did this and sacrificed two very serious relationships because she wouldn't marry and I am now 37 and she never did remarry.

It goes without saying that there is an art to incorporating a new man in with your kids....but, beyond all that, if he's a good man, I don't believe in sacrificing my future completely for my children who will one day leave the nest to live their own lives. I don't believe God intended us to be that long-suffering for our children...they are resilient and have a huge life of possibilities ahead of them.

ITA.. I think that if you have children (really even if you don't), you just need to be uber-aware and conscious in your choice of mate. I have to know that I am really seeing "clearly" before I date again.

 

[Stormy]

Hi Adequate! I'm on my second hubby. First marriage only lasted for 2.5 years. And we struggled just to get that far! With this one it will be 6 years next month. I believe that as long as you marry the RIGHT person for you, and the person is DIFFERENT than the previous spouse, then it will work out. I was also very young first time around, and not selective enough with my choices. He was just all wrong for me. I have two kids (well, now one is grown, the other a teenager). My current dh doesn't have any. Anyway, I got it right this time.

Congrats and good luck on your second time around.

 

[deltagyrl]

I typed a LOOOONNNGG response here, and deleted it. I don't want to start any drama.

I'll just say this: When you decide to remarry, I think you have an *obligation* to your children first. People get so starry eyed and blissed out that they gloss over or flat out ignore how miserable their kids are in this living situation. Then the kids act out more and more... which makes the home a place of conflict instead of sanctuary. Divorce #2 (or 3 or 4 etc) soon follows.

Please pay attention to how your children really feel, without making them think they are snatching away your one shred of happiness.

If, God forbid, DH left me or died young, I'd not remarry until my children were grown, and out on their own. Only then would I even consider dating.

ITA with the bolded but to everything else.

 

[PoeticJustice]

Yeah, I have to disagree with waiting until the children are grown before remarrying too but I do agree that they have some very important healing and adjusting to do after a divorce. Time should be taken to facilitate that process. But it isn't necessarily healthy for you or them to put off moving forward (love and marriage) until they are grown. My mom did this and sacrificed two very serious relationships because she wouldn't marry and I am now 37 and she never did remarry.

It goes without saying that there is an art to incorporating a new man in with your kids....but, beyond all that, if he's a good man, I don't believe in sacrificing my future completely for my children who will one day leave the nest to live their own lives. I don't believe God intended us to be that long-suffering for our children...they are resilient and have a huge life of possibilities ahead of them.

Good post!! I agree totally!

 

[sunnydaze]

There is a saying that the best thing you can do for your child is to be happy.

 

[Caramela]

There is a saying that the best thing you can do for your child is to be happy.

I can agree with that. (and now for my controversial statement) Although you should never put your child in harms way or in an unhealthy situation, your child doesn't come before your husband/wife.

Yes, that's right. Your spouse, comes first, then your children. This of course comes with a clause... (I didn't include it initially and I want to make sure I'm clear on this so there's no misunderstanding) ... but if you and your husband/wife are in a Christian/Christian relationship with God as the central bond, then everything else in the house will fall in order. You do not place your kids before the person you are joined ONE with. Example: You and your spouse want to buy a house, you both love it, but it doesn't have a basement and a big back yard for the kids, and the rooms they'll be sleeping in are small.... you should buy the house!! It's what you and your spouse want, the kids won't be there forever. You aren't buying it for them...
I don't by any means mean that you neglect a child for your mate. I hope that clarifies my point.