Anyone else have walls? Emotionally unavailable?

[TokyoReina]

How do you deal with this? I've always been rather tough to reach when it comes to guys. I have a hard time admitting I'm into someone (to them), much less admitting when I'm hurt,miss them, or pretty much that I care. Needless to say, it's held me back relationship wise all my life. Guys think I don't care, I don't argue, and then we just go our seperate ways.

Recently, the guy I've recently had my eyes on told me I was too proud and arrogant. That he was doing all the giving and I was doing all the receiving. I never call him, I never ask him to visit, I never tell him my problems.... It's true. Beyond thinking men should take the lead in all that, I just can't drop my pride enough to admit I'm afraid of being emotionally intertwined romantically. Because we're bound to break up one day and it'll hurt.

 

[Skyfall]

I am such a pervert
All I saw in the main page was ' Anyone have walls'. I was like why is she asking that???? erplexed

I think it's cuz of that tightening gel thread that I read yesterday

But to answer your question I do with romantic relationships. It was a self-esteem/ never did that before issue for me. I got a guy friend and practiced on him, I just had a slight fear of men in general so, getting a guy friend helped me.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Yes, it's the trust factor for me. I feel like once I say something, he'll use it against me at a later date.

 

[IrrationalThoughts]

I am such a pervert
All I saw in the main page was ' Anyone have walls'. I was like why is she asking that???? erplexed

I thought the same thing

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Yes, I've had (and still have in some ways) walls.

But the important thing to remember is that you have to distinguish when is a wall actually functioning to keep emotional connections out, and when it is actually functioning to protect yourself. A person does, indeed, need some boundaries to protect themselves, especially if you've ever had to deal with very difficult things in your life that have left scars.

Only you can determine which walls are protective and which walls are simply obstructions...and only you can determine how best to take them down.

 

[deltadreamland]

Yes, I have walls made of steel.

 

[SistaSista]

I had major walls when dating. This was a big issue when I was dating my husband. He knew that I was holding back and wanted me to show my true feelings but that was the hardest thing for me to do.

My walls stemmed from being hurt by men. And I just refused to be hurt anymore. I thought that if I showed that I really didn't care or didn't give it my all then if the relationship didn't work or he cheated it would hurt less. NOT. This can be a real deal breaker in a relationship.

Luckily I have a great husband that pushed me into talking to him about my feelings and was willing to work with me until I could deal with my issues. I'm not saying that all of my walls are down but I'm so much better than before.

If you are in a really serious relationship with this person I would explain to him how you feel and that you really do like/love him but are just afraid of getting hurt or whatever it is. You don't want a good man to just walk away.

 

[julzinha]

I definitely have walls. I consider myself a very kind and funny person. But I get soooo caught up in my insecurities about my looks and my weight and I always question whether someone can love me at my size and thus I guess I unconsciously send a signal of Stay Away from Me and I don't want that!

 

[Latomian]

How do you deal with this? I've always been rather tough to reach when it comes to guys. I have a hard time admitting I'm into someone (to them), much less admitting when I'm hurt,miss them, or pretty much that I care. Needless to say, it's held me back relationship wise all my life. Guys think I don't care, I don't argue, and then we just go our seperate ways.

Recently, the guy I've recently had my eyes on told me I was too proud and arrogant. That he was doing all the giving and I was doing all the receiving. I never call him, I never ask him to visit, I never tell him my problems.... It's true. Beyond thinking men should take the lead in all that, I just can't drop my pride enough to admit I'm afraid of being emotionally intertwined romantically. Because we're bound to break up one day and it'll hurt.

I can tell a guy I miss him, no problem. Depending on who he is, I can tell him when I'm hurt. I can tell him that I care, or show it. I'm a VERY open communicator because my mom is the exact opposite. However, trust, I haven't been able to do. I have tried but in the end, it didn't work. So I can miss a guy, care for and a/b him and be open with him...but to truly love him (by trusting him), I can't.

 

[Filmatic]

Still working on it. I am trying so hard. Mine is really a trust factor. I don't trust men. The only problem is that I have found who I think may be the one. That messes up the wall.

He plain out told me that he doesn't know how I feel and he feels I don't care. That's far beyond the truth. I did finally tell him I liked him. This was after he had to tell me. I know he's been hurt to so we're just a bunch of knuckle heads.

 

[TokyoReina]

I thought that if I showed that I really didn't care or didn't give it my all then if the relationship didn't work or he cheated it would hurt less. NOT. This can be a real deal breaker in a relationship.

I also tend to think along these lines. but at the same time I've realized that if I never put much into it, I'll never get much good out. I just don't want to end up with the broken heart thing that people talk about.

 

[awhyley]

If this guy means that much, you have to take that risk and let him in. There's always a risk that things won't work out, but I'll never know if you dont' make the attempt. It doesn't have to be right away or all out at once. Take it a step at a time.

 

[loolalooh]

Yes, I do. They've gotten higher so umm yea. Currently working on them.

 

[Kerryann]

girl i have walls higher than the great wall of china
Because of these walls ive been called cold, ruthless, phrases ive been told are you dont care about no one and you always push people away and all sorts of junk simply because i dont trust men

 

[Spiffy]

I threw up walls in the middle of getting to know someone because it just felt off and the reason why I felt that way eventually was revealed to me and I actually felt validated and proud of myself for trusting my instincts. So in that case, I do not feel bad about putting walls up. Before that I was very open, showed that I cared, missed him, etc. so I am capable of being open unless my heart and head tells me otherwise. If you go into something guarded, then that is not so good.

Like NYLegal said, you have to distinguish when it's a protection thing vs keeping emotional connections out. If your head and heart is pointing for all signs to open up, take that leap, but take it slow because it takes time for people to make changes like that.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received was relationships are certainly about trust, trusting that other person but more importantly trusting yourself. Trust yourself enough to know that if you do get hurt or disappointed you may be upset, but you won't be crushed and you will be okay.

 

[newports]

im so sick of being disappointed by men even the thought of having sex with 1 makes my skin crawl & my stomach hurt.

i'm fed up & i'm tired.

 

[tinkat]

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received was relationships are certainly about trust, trusting that other person but more importantly trusting yourself. Trust yourself enough to know that if you do get hurt or disappointed you may be upset, but you won't be crushed and you will be okay.

I don't have a problem being open, I just try to be cautious. I just found this thread interesting bc I tend to be attracted to guys who have walls up only to find that they are really soft and gushy on the inside. I was going to say the bolded...the first step is to trust yourself first. You cannot trust anybody else unless you trust yourself. Understand that everything can't be figured out logically. Sometimes things are just the way it is. Its important to trust your heart and intuition...yes its hard to open your heart...but that is the lesson that has to be learned...to trust your heart, yourself...

Yes there is a risk of opening your heart and then getting hurt...but understand that just as love comes from you, pain comes from you too. But pain is not as bad as people make it... bc through the pain you have acceptance and growth. That is one of the major purposes of us being here on earth...self development.

 

[Poohbear]

Yes, I have held up my walls or have been emotionally unavailable...especially in the beginning of a relationship. With my current boyfriend, that was one issue with him in the beginning. I remember he asked me if I liked him, and I told him "I don't know". Or he would ask me if I wanted to do this or go here with him, and I would say "I guess." or "It doesn't matter." He mentioned that about a couple months after we had been together and I could actually see how that would make someone feel uncomfortable because they don't know whether or not you like them or really want to be with them or not. But as I got to know him better and spent more time with him, I started opening up more to him and became more available to him emotionally. We've been together for a year now, and I can finally say "Yes" or "No" or "I like" or "I don't like" instead of "Sure", "I don't know", "I guess", etc.

 

[loolalooh]

How do you deal with this? I've always been rather tough to reach when it comes to guys. I have a hard time admitting I'm into someone (to them), much less admitting when I'm hurt,miss them, or pretty much that I care. Needless to say, it's held me back relationship wise all my life. Guys think I don't care, I don't argue, and then we just go our seperate ways.

Recently, the guy I've recently had my eyes on told me I was too proud and arrogant. That he was doing all the giving and I was doing all the receiving. I never call him, I never ask him to visit, I never tell him my problems.... It's true. Beyond thinking men should take the lead in all that, I just can't drop my pride enough to admit I'm afraid of being emotionally intertwined romantically. Because we're bound to break up one day and it'll hurt.

I notice that we've mainly given responses saying "I do too". I've only seen a couple of answers to the main question -- answers pointing to a SO (husband or BF) who has helped the person open up more. This leads me to ask another question ...

Is this something that can be dealt with on your own? If so, how? I'm inclined to think having a capable SO in your life that is able to work with you through it would help majorly.

Just thinking out loud ...

Any thoughts?

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I notice that we've mainly given responses saying "I do too". I've only seen a couple of answers to the main question -- answers pointing to a SO (husband or BF) who has helped the person open up more. This leads me to ask another question ...

Is this something that can be dealt with on your own? If so, how? I'm inclined to think having a capable SO in your life that is able to work with you through it would help majorly.

Just thinking out loud ...

Any thoughts?

Someone made a point earlier about having to trust yourself. That's one thing that you can learn to do on your own. Starting with everyday mindfulness can be a huge help. If anyone's interested in learning more about how to get in touch with their emotions, I highly suggest "Emotional Alchemy." I've been reading it as I've been going through a difficult time for the past month, and it has helped extraordinarily with me understanding why I have (or don't have) certain walls up. One can do work independently on some of these issues with tools like this.

However, I believe to get all the way "there" requires both independent work and being in a relationship. Even if you're in a relationship, there's a certain amount of work that you have to do on your own. And part of the trust process necessarily involves a second person. You can't learn to trust within a relationship if you're not actually IN a relationship.

 

[SistaSista]

I notice that we've mainly given responses saying "I do too". I've only seen a couple of answers to the main question -- answers pointing to a SO (husband or BF) who has helped the person open up more. This leads me to ask another question ...

Is this something that can be dealt with on your own? If so, how? I'm inclined to think having a capable SO in your life that is able to work with you through it would help majorly.

Just thinking out loud ...

Any thoughts?

One thing that really helped me was having candid conversations with him. I mean really deep candid conversations. This really helps to open up on both sides. Before my DH and I got married we would occasionally have these conversations of why we got back together, how we really feel about each other, things that we like and don't like about each other. No arguments just deep conversation. This really helped in reassuring me that he REALLY loved me and that this was not just another relationship. It's always good to here why he loves me and just "I love you". However, the real wall came down once we got engaged and then it was all over. I really opened up and was able to give our relationship everything I had because I knew that this was IT.

 

[DarkChyld]

Everyone has walls. It's just about how tall they are and how thick they are. I have a fortress with a moat surrounding me. Insecurities about being overweight and celibate are just some of the reasons that I have been purposely pushing people away. Walls are all about control. I mean that's what I have found out when it pertains to me. I will tell you that trying to get rid of the 'Stay Away From Me'/'Don't Look At Me' vibe takes some serious patience.

 

[MissJ]

I've always been rather tough to reach when it comes to guys. I have a hard time admitting I'm into someone (to them), much less admitting when I'm hurt,miss them, or pretty much that I care. Needless to say, it's held me back relationship wise all my life. Guys think I don't care, I don't argue, and then we just go our seperate ways.

This descibes me as of a late. What the heck is wrong with me?

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I dont have walls per see but I honestly dont think its necessary to be a pouring flood of emotions when I first meet some one. I totally believe in friends first and then maybe something later, but becasue they've been with other girls in the past that have probably pressed the issue of being in a relatinship right away, I probably look like a foreign alien who believes in taking my time, and they aren't used to that.

"oh i can tell you've been hurt in the past Im not like those other dudes"..."are you afraid to open up to me?, im just trying to learn more about you"....Ive only been truly hurt once on the past (5 years ago) and Im totally over it. But when I try to tell people in due time ill tell them more about myself, not to push things,and making psychological analysis of "issues" they may THINK I have, then why would I want to open up to them about my life? Why can we just have a good time with out going "deep" on the 2nd or 3rd date?

 

[yokoyokogirl]

My ex was secretly bisexual. I wanna ask every man--no matter how straight he may seem--if he likes getting down with the booty hole.

Sorry maybe TMI.

But I def. put up a wall til I can figure that out.

 

[preciouzone]

*Long post alert:

It's interesting to see that several people in this thread mentioned their weight
issues as part of the reason that they are emotionally distant. I can relate to
that completely. Even my weight at times I feel is a shield of protection to keep
from getting too much attention from guys and the thought of finally losing the
weight and then receiving solicitation from them actually sort of scares me.

There has been times when guys were trying to get to know me and they just
couldn't get through my tough walls. It's funny because I feel like I am the man
in the relationship sometimes. He's getting emotional and wants to talk and stuff
and I am all stuffing my feelings/emotions and not wanting to talk. I've summed
it up to not trusting men, being sexually assaulted as a child, feelings of unworthiness
because of my weight (had a guy tell me when I was 14 that he wouldn't date me
until I lost some weight - and this has stuck with me even till this day 10 years later.
I am always wondering if a guy has an issue with my weight or is he going to pull a
hit and run?) and also fear of rejection or disappointment.

With me it doesn't just start and end with men. In the past I didn't trust females either.
I had several friends that considered me their best friends but I knew it wasn't true because it was more one-sided. They would tell me all of their secrets and man issues,
and I didn't trust them enough to open up only shared bits and pieces but really never
let them in on anything completely.

I currently have a great guy friend in my life and he has been such an amazing friend
regardless of how I have treated him and tried to push him away 50/11 times. He is
so stubborn and won't go away. He's also trying to get me to express myself more
and to open up to him. He tells me that I can practice on him as a part of my growth
and development process when it comes to these walls and trust issues... lol. I am
in awe of how patient he has been with me and I definitely feel that are friendship will
allow me to get over the first hurdle which will be a great step for me. And who knows,
all of this may be mutually beneficial in the future???

 

[texasqt]

I am severely emotionally unavailable and reside in a bank vault. Apparently, I have been for sometime and didn't realize it until last night. erplexed
First, I definitely need to work on trusting myself by myself.

 

[chickle]

I put up walls with EVERYONE, even girls, even family. People always end up disappointing you. It is really something I should work on