anxious! nervous! aggghhh!!

[DayStar]

I understand your feelings

oh trust. i will never do any work ever again. ofcourse, this will mean i can't pick the man i want. i can only pick from the losers and the duds that approach me. because i never attract anyone who's worth a damn.

i'll just go ahead and consider myself single for life. crushes have crushed me since i was 13 and i've been on various online dating sites for 10 years. 2 relationships and only one was serious but even that guy was a douche bag. clearly i am not valued by anyone to spend any time with and that annoys the crap out of me because i know i'm a supposed "catch".

whatever. i'm over it. i'm over "putting myself out there" and "putting positie sh*t in the universe" to get good sh*t back. it's bull crap. all of it.

some of us just aren't meant to be in relationships. some of us just aren't desirable. i see that i'm just not that kind. so i will deal with it and settle for that and carry on my way, alone.

 

[LivingDol1]

nooooooo!!!

do not wait for some guy to pick you! Be in control.

Maybe your guy prefers a more one on one setting and did not know how to tell you. I dated a guy once who really liked me. My friends pressured me to invite him to a social event with everyone so they could meet him. At first he seemed interested in going but he seemed unsure as time progressed. He ended up not going but still went out with just me after that. I had invited him very early on in our relationship and looking back, I think he just wasn't into group things before we were fully comfortable with each other. Who knows, but I try not to make too many conclusions about the guys or myself.

I predict many fun dates in your future full of lobsters and cute guys!

how can one be in control? i can't will a guy who is up to my standards to approach me. guys do all the asking. all i can do is examine them and then reject them. seriously! how can a girl win?

i don't really think i can give this guy any "maybe he's shy" or whatever type of excuse. he didn't show. so i think that means he isn't interested. that's what is says in that book. "He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out." "He's just not that into you if he's disappearing on you." If he wants me, he will find me. He didn't. End of story.

and there is no way he isn't comfortable in a group of people. he's not your average shy guy. he's not exactly average at all . . . he's pretty confident. i think if he would have preferred one on one time, he would have said so.

 

[JewelleNY]

how can one be in control? i can't will a guy who is up to my standards to approach me. guys do all the asking. all i can do is examine them and then reject them. seriously! how can a girl win?

i don't really think i can give this guy any "maybe he's shy" or whatever type of excuse. he didn't show. so i think that means he isn't interested. that's what is says in that book. "He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out." "He's just not that into you if he's disappearing on you." If he wants me, he will find me. He didn't. End of story.

and there is no way he isn't comfortable in a group of people. he's not your average shy guy. he's not exactly average at all . . . he's pretty confident. i think if he would have preferred one on one time, he would have said so.

You can be in control in many ways, definitely not by sitting back and waiting to be picked

Just get out more and when you go out go to places that will have guys that have similar interests as yourself. Don't give up on internet dating, send winks to guys you are interested in.

Introduce yourself to guys of interest or flirt, whatever, and see how the convo goes. Feel bad when you feel rejected but remind yourself that your are gorgeous and move on to the next. My gf is very much a go-getter and always has a guy. If A does not work out she moves on to B.

It is ok to ask a guy out and give out your number but you have to be prepared that they may not follow-up, just like when guys ask us out. Some women do not like the rejection, I think guys are used to it, but it is all just a part of dating and finding the one that fits you.

I alove the saying, "man's rejection is God's protection"

 

[BroadstreetBully]

LivingDol, I understand your frustration. I've been there...I could have written those posts not too long ago.

We all understand the feeling of always liking guys but never having them like you back. We all know what it is like to only be approached by 'losers', and when we do come across a cool guy, he's taken and we're left thinking--what does she (his SO) have that I don't? Why does she get a great guy and I'm stuck with the rejects? Girl I know!

I've taken to approaching dating/relationships like a guy. It's a huge relief. There might be a thread about this, if not perhaps we can start one.

 

[LivingDol1]

You can be in control in many ways, definitely not by sitting back and waiting to be picked

Just get out more and when you go out go to places that will have guys that have similar interests as yourself. Don't give up on internet dating, send winks to guys you are interested in.

Introduce yourself to guys of interest or flirt, whatever, and see how the convo goes. Feel bad when you feel rejected but remind yourself that your are gorgeous and move on to the next. My gf is very much a go-getter and always has a guy. If A does not work out she moves on to B.

It is ok to ask a guy out and give out your number but you have to be prepared that they may not follow-up, just like when guys ask us out. Some women do not like the rejection, I think guys are used to it, but it is all just a part of dating and finding the one that fits you.

I alove the saying, "man's rejection is God's protection"

Thank you Jewelle for your responses and tolerance of my crazy. i refuse to use the internet. if anything hasn't worked for me, it's that. i will not give match.com any of my money. they have probably become rich off of frustrated single gals such as myself. that website is full of predators and socially awkward men who lie about their height, age, and level of baldness. that site can suck it. i shouldn't have to pay $$ to meet men. if i wanted to pay $$ to meet men, i should just go to a strip club or hire a male prostitute. same amount of pleasure always cut abruptly short. no thank you.

although my interests are in boy bands(this is not a surprise, esp in my sad single state), art museums, and fashion, i will try to break out of the cycle and try some new crap to meet some more future ex-boyfriends. i have signed up to do some volunteering. maybe i will trick some poor soul into thinking i'm a kind and giving person and reel them in that way. whatever works...

it is never OK to ask a guy out and give him your number. never never never. no woman should pursue a man. 80% of poll takers believe that to be true in another thread. i will not go down that road. i was already halfway there this week. neverrrrrrrrr again! i can't handle the stress, rejection, the waiting, hell to tha no!

God hates me.

 

[LivingDol1]

LivingDol, I understand your frustration. I've been there...I could have written those posts not too long ago.

We all understand the feeling of always liking guys but never having them like you back. We all know what it is like to only be approached by 'losers', and when we do come across a cool guy, he's taken and we're left thinking--what does she (his SO) have that I don't? Why does she get a great guy and I'm stuck with the rejects? Girl I know!

I've taken to approaching dating/relationships like a guy. It's a huge relief. There might be a thread about this, if not perhaps we can start one.

right??!!! and usually that hot guy who's got it all together is dating a very unfortunate looking chick. that, i could never understand. call me shallow, i don't care, but so are oh i don't know, lots of men!

how can i date like a guy? maybe i need to flirt up a bunch of guys. the gay ones too because i'll be so charming that no one can resist me and my witty banter and smiley self. i'll borrow their staplers. i'll drop pens and bend n snap. and then they'll ask me out, i'll say yes or maybe 90% yes and then i won't show up.

where's that thread? i feel like crushing some balls and lowering self esteem levels.

 

[Nina_deF]

But wait, I don't get it.
I don't know the rules on American dating BUT....

You invited him out with you and some collegues and told him to bring friends....

How does he know that you are actually interested in him?
To me it sounds like a group activitey, nothing more....

Maybe he thinks that he is nothing more that a collegue to you.
Maybe he didn't have any friends to come with him that night and he felt uncomfortable hanging with another group.
Maybe he felt a little intimidated, IF he is interested in you, he might even be shy.
Maybe he chickened out last minute.
Maybe something else happened he had to deal with.

Don't count him out quite yet, today's monday, a whole new week is starting.
Don't jump to conclusions....

 

[LivingDol1]

But wait, I don't get it.
I don't know the rules on American dating BUT....

You invited him out with you and some collegues and told him to bring friends....

How does he know that you are actually interested in him?
To me it sounds like a group activitey, nothing more....

Maybe he thinks that he is nothing more that a collegue to you.
Maybe he didn't have any friends to come with him that night and he felt uncomfortable hanging with another group.
Maybe he felt a little intimidated, IF he is interested in you, he might even be shy.
Maybe he chickened out last minute.
Maybe something else happened he had to deal with.

Don't count him out quite yet, today's monday, a whole new week is starting.
Don't jump to conclusions....

You are not the first one to have all these "maybes". My friend was telling me this yesterday.

It's "Maybe Monday". I have no hopes for an excuse being offered but if so, I will update. If he has no excuse, or if i don't see him, then it's safe to assume he's not interested. at all. this is where i am leaning.

and yes, it was a group activity... i did that on purpose. safe, neutral. the only positive thing about that is that he knows i'm up for socializing should he choose to invite me out. he's not shy. i wish i could explain... let's just say he's probably used to girls fawning over him... he might like talking to me because i'm not in his demographic and i'm easy to talk to.

 

[allygreeneyes]

I totally agree with what Nina deF said and I definitely wouldn't count him out just yet.

 

[LivingDol1]

so funny. my boss said that if he comes over here, I should send him straight to her office for a verbal lashing.

anyway, nothing yet.

gosh I feel like a nut! if my psychic hadn't described him to a tee as this guy who's supposed to be romantically involved in my life, I might not have cared much. I feel like I just screwed with the cosmos or something. like when Homer traveled to the past and killed that huge bug, and when he went back to the present, it was raining doughnuts that he couldn't eat.

back to work!

 

[JewelleNY]

Thank you Jewelle for your responses and tolerance of my crazy. i refuse to use the internet. if anything hasn't worked for me, it's that. i will not give match.com any of my money. they have probably become rich off of frustrated single gals such as myself. that website is full of predators and socially awkward men who lie about their height, age, and level of baldness. that site can suck it. i shouldn't have to pay $$ to meet men. if i wanted to pay $$ to meet men, i should just go to a strip club or hire a male prostitute. same amount of pleasure always cut abruptly short. no thank you.

although my interests are in boy bands(this is not a surprise, esp in my sad single state), art museums, and fashion, i will try to break out of the cycle and try some new crap to meet some more future ex-boyfriends. i have signed up to do some volunteering. maybe i will trick some poor soul into thinking i'm a kind and giving person and reel them in that way. whatever works...

it is never OK to ask a guy out and give him your number. never never never. no woman should pursue a man. 80% of poll takers believe that to be true in another thread. i will not go down that road. i was already halfway there this week. neverrrrrrrrr again! i can't handle the stress, rejection, the waiting, hell to tha no!

God hates me.

aawww, please don't say that LivingDol

I agree with Nina Def's post. Put yourself in the guy's situation. He may have thought you would have had your own guy friend there. I would not know what to think if a guy asked me to hang with his friends and to bring some of mine, very casual-like If I really liked him I would be a little nervous about going.

Guys are just as confused about dating as we are and they are all individuals, we hate it when a guy treats us poorly because some other chick did him wrong so please don't think all guys are jerks, you don't want to miss out on a good one

 

[JewelleNY]

so funny. my boss said that if he comes over here, I should send him straight to her office for a verbal lashing.

anyway, nothing yet.

gosh I feel like a nut! if my psychic hadn't described him to a tee as this guy who's supposed to be romantically involved in my life, I might not have cared much. I feel like I just screwed with the cosmos or something. like when Homer traveled to the past and killed that huge bug, and when he went back to the present, it was raining doughnuts that he couldn't eat.

back to work!

ooohh, be careful of psychics

I had the same thing happen a while back and I was so sure the guy was "the ONE!" Big mistake because you can really become fixed on the idea and develop tunnel vision, well, I did

The crazy thing was an ex of mine looked me up recently and said the same thing to me He had visited a psychic and she described me to a tee, literally Quite scary! He was a little obsessed and unlike what I remember him to be. He had even kept the manuscript of the reading and this guy is very practical. He just knew I was the one that got away and he really wanted to back and I had very little feelings for him anymore

I try to stay away from psychics now, I definitely believe some can read minds but I think they are no good as far as predicting the future. JME

 

[Chocolate_Silk]

hi jewelle

i won't give up on dating... i'm just going to sit here and patiently wait for some guy to pick me. like i'm a puppy at the pet store. be cute. don't poop on the rug. wag my tail.

i wish there was a "parental control" function to block out certain thread topics. that would make my psyche a little more healthy. i never had these negative black women thoughts until joining this forum.

i've never dated more than 2 guys at once. this will pose a challenge. we'll see. but i want 4 on rotation. i deserve free lobster dinners. i've suffered enough.

You're killing me... I soooo understand your frustration!

 

[LivingDol1]

ooohh, be careful of psychics

I had the same thing happen a while back and I was so sure the guy was "the ONE!" Big mistake because you can really become fixed on the idea and develop tunnel vision, well, I did

The crazy thing was an ex of mine looked me up recently and said the same thing to me He had visited a psychic and she described me to a tee, literally Quite scary! He was a little obsessed and unlike what I remember him to be. He had even kept the manuscript of the reading and this guy is very practical. He just knew I was the one that got away and he really wanted to back and I had very little feelings for him anymore

I try to stay away from psychics now, I definitely believe some can read minds but I think they are no good as far as predicting the future. JME

see... this is my worry. i should have not seen the psychic. i was bored with my life and wondering if my situation was ever going to change. she came highly recommended too. with some reputable stories to back her up.

and i'm not a nut. i was bored! but she was wrong. she said this exact guy was coming and it was going to be a good thing. he wasn't going to disturb me.

really??? cuz i feel friggin' disturbed! i hate having a crush! i've been trying to keep my eyes open because i refuse to believe he's the guy but nobody else fits the bill. and this saturday obviously threw him out the window. i don't think he's "The One". I view him as more the "Summer Boo". i'm terrible.

i know i messed with the universe! somebody hates me!

 

[LivingDol1]

aawww, please don't say that LivingDol

I agree with Nina Def's post. Put yourself in the guy's situation. He may have thought you would have had your own guy friend there. I would not know what to think if a guy asked me to hang with his friends and to bring some of mine, very casual-like If I really liked him I would be a little nervous about going.

Guys are just as confused about dating as we are and they are all individuals, we hate it when a guy treats us poorly because some other chick did him wrong so please don't think all guys are jerks, you don't want to miss out on a good one

maybe maybe maybe.

well, maybe the man-child (did i mention it's a love-hate crush?) either... didn't show up to work today OR he was avoiding me all day. i did not see him once. my friends didn't see him either.

either he could have been sick all weekend.

or, he could know that what he did was super lame and he's hiding out to avoid death stares.

i hope it's not the latter. i'm not trying to hate. but that would imply he might have felt bad.

maybe maybe maybe! i will never know!

 

[YankeeCandle]

Any updates?

 

[LivingDol1]

^^^^^ updating..... I did see him today.

I nearly ran into him in the hallway. first thing, he asked me how the show was. he apologized for bailing. he had actually found someone to bring with him but he then decided last minute to not go bc he was tired or stressed or something. he's in finals. he told his friend that he could go if he wanted but obviously he wasn't going to meet a bunch of strangers.

anyway, he said he would let me know what he's up to next weekend. ( I didn't ask him his plans nor did I volunteer mine...) so I was just like "ok". keeping my reactions short again. I'm not inviting him out! he could be a serial flake!

then he asked if I would see his band play when they do shows in ny. I asked him about that like what he plays (he sings lead and is learning guitar.... I have a bit of a thing against musicians.... hmm....) he told me the name and my boss and I googled it on YouTube. they sound horrid. I hate to be honest.... but.... horrid! like.... no no no! so.... anyway. I feel better that he apologized and brought it up himself. I don't know if we'll ever hang out outside the office but I'll let him find the balls to ask.

 

[JewelleNY]

^^^^^ updating..... I did see him today.

I nearly ran into him in the hallway. first thing, he asked me how the show was. he apologized for bailing. he had actually found someone to bring with him but he then decided last minute to not go bc he was tired or stressed or something. he's in finals. he told his friend that he could go if he wanted but obviously he wasn't going to meet a bunch of strangers.

anyway, he said he would let me know what he's up to next weekend. ( I didn't ask him his plans nor did I volunteer mine...) so I was just like "ok". keeping my reactions short again. I'm not inviting him out! he could be a serial flake!

then he asked if I would see his band play when they do shows in ny. I asked him about that like what he plays (he sings lead and is learning guitar.... I have a bit of a thing against musicians.... hmm....) he told me the name and my boss and I googled it on YouTube. they sound horrid. I hate to be honest.... but.... horrid! like.... no no no! so.... anyway. I feel better that he apologized and brought it up himself. I don't know if we'll ever hang out outside the office but I'll let him find the balls to ask.

It's good to read the update, I'm happy for you that he apologized, maybe he thought you wouldn't miss him since you had friends there anyway Now no more jumping to conclusions missy!

 

[LivingDol1]

i'll try not to jump to conclusions. i am really pissed at myself for caring so much. so irritated. i was not expecting an apology or a mention of the weekend since we're into wednesday.

of course because he flaked, i'm super wary of him now. i'll try to go with the flow...

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I think if he's interested he should speak up. I say enjoy the show and find a way to get him out of your mind. If he shows, great, if not oh well. I think guys should be more "active" in their interest in you. If he's playing it cool, he's going to have to step it up on his own. But you'll be too busy having fun to care one way or another.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

i'll try not to jump to conclusions. i am really pissed at myself for caring so much. so irritated. i was not expecting an apology or a mention of the weekend since we're into wednesday.

of course because he flaked, i'm super wary of him now. i'll try to go with the flow...

Just got to this part. He flaked? Next! Please do more than go with the flow, find somewhere else to put your attention. IF he becomes more "active" in his interest in you...that's another story. But then you'll have to decide if you're still interested in him, because you'll have moved on.

 

[LivingDol1]

CRUSH OVER! boy has been busted. apparently he chats up pretty girls in other departments too. and apparently it's also known he pulls the same stunts like borrowing staplers. and he's been dropping hints about his former acting career.... he thinks he's the cat's pajamas!

boy oh boy.

 

[BGT]

Douche!!!!!

 

[JewelleNY]

CRUSH OVER! boy has been busted. apparently he chats up pretty girls in other departments too. and apparently it's also known he pulls the same stunts like borrowing staplers. and he's been dropping hints about his former acting career.... he thinks he's the cat's pajamas!

boy oh boy.

oh no!

"borrowing staplers" is that the new way of flirting?

what a bum and a waste of energy Keep being yourself girly and if a guy is being all wishy washy, keep it moving to the next. He probably would have been no fun to date anyway. Tell that psychic you need a refund stat!

 

[LivingDol1]

oh no!

"borrowing staplers" is that the new way of flirting?

what a bum and a waste of energy Keep being yourself girly and if a guy is being all wishy washy, keep it moving to the next. He probably would have been no fun to date anyway. Tell that psychic you need a refund stat!

seriously... i am so MAD about the psychic! just goes to show! don't mess with the cosmos!

man oh man, i am going to bust his balls from now on. he totally cruised by my desk today too and my boss noticed. he was like, "I heard you had an admirer... that boy keeps cruising the hallways and i don't understand why... i can smell his youth."

 

[BroadstreetBully]

LivingDol, I think right now is the time to just enjoy life. Like Katt Williams said, "Enjoy your M**F** life!"

You know, today I got hit on--the guy hit on me and went on about his business. I didn't stand around wondering if he'd hit on me some more or anything. I didn't worry about whether or not I sent out the right vibes, I just smiled and that was that. It is good to learn how to not overanalyze men. If a man is interested, you'll know it. Be sweet and approachable, but also a little aloof. Have some mystery about yourself.

I think it is natural for women to find themselves getting emotionally invested in something that might not be there. You said that he's tanked on the opportunities to ask you out before...

we were talking on monday and he was asking me about my weekend and more specifically what i was doing NEXT(this) weekend. I didn't want to say "nothing" and wait for him to ask me on a date b/c he's tanked on those opportunities before.

That was a clear sign. If a guy asks you what your plans are for the weekend--you say "nothing" and that isn't followed with "Well would you be interested in....?" then it is a bust. He was clearly making small talk. As for the show, there was no need to suggest he tag along, you told him your plans, he acted interested, you should have left it at that. When a man is interested, and your weekend is full, he'll usually ask you when you'll be free again. About a month ago, there was this guy I was not interested in chasing after me. He'd ask me like 3 times a week to meet him for lunch and he tried to get me to go out with him every weekend. I declined because there was nothing there, but that didn't stop him from pursuing me for a while until he got the point. I wonder why whenever we are actually into a guy we forget stuff like this.

But yea, I totally understand how you feel.

 

[LivingDol1]

^^^^ yeah... not worried about the man-child anymore. this has seriously made me laugh.

i was enjoying life before. i wasn't exactly worried about a man until this little weirdness happened. ah well, back to the Puppy Mill for me....!!!

 

[ambergirl]

He sounds like one of these guys who just wants to be wanted. I hates them....they put out all the signals and then when you show even a little interest they roll up the red carpet and act clueless.

 

[LivingDol1]

He sounds like one of these guys who just wants to be wanted. I hates them....they put out all the signals and then when you show even a little interest they roll up the red carpet and act clueless.

i know! he's such a weirdo. i think he needs a lesson or two in having some humility. i am disgusted. ohhh, actors...

lesson learned: i will always go with my first instinct. it's just a shame that my first instinct is to assume a negative stereotype. ah well. but it works every time!!!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

This guy seems like he is used to girl attention.

I knew of some guys like that. They were ALWAYS a waste of time.

Trust me, if a guy wants you...he WILL let you know in some way shape or form. Kudos to you for at least being cool and inviting him to come hang with you and some other collegues. Now you don't have to be wondering: "what if??"

Don't beat yourself up for doing that. Afterall, you only invited him ONCE, and you weren't "desperate" or "pressed" while doing it either. It was a GROUP thing. Just realize that this particular guy wasn't interested enough to come, and he's too chicken to quit his flirting game and make room for some guy who's REALLY interested in you to come and pursue you.

If there's one rule of thumb I've noticed, it's that USUALLY (not always, but 9x out of 10), if a guy asks you to tell him when "you guys are doing something", that typically means that he may be attracted, but not interested in you ENOUGH to want to pursue something with you individually. Trust me, if a guy is genuinely interested, he will be inviting YOU places. He will be asking for YOUR number, and will be calling/texting YOU. He won't ask you to "call HIM", or tell HIM when you're doing something w/your friends. NO way!

Either he will invite you places, OR he will invite HIMSELF to come with you with your friends lol.