anxious! nervous! aggghhh!!

[LivingDol1]

okay i know not many people respond to my threads but i'd really appreciate some insight and reassurance... give me reasons to calm down or not give a rat's butt.

my work crush has been chatting me up for 2 months. after 2 months of chatting, hemming and hawing, and subtle flirtation, we are finally set to spend some time outside of the office tomorrow. we were talking on monday and he was asking me about my weekend and more specifically what i was doing NEXT(this) weekend. I didn't want to say "nothing" and wait for him to ask me on a date b/c he's tanked on those opportunities before. so i told him about a show tomorrow night that me and some colleagues are going to. he expressed interest, so i said that he should come out with us. he accepted, asked me to send him details and we went on our way.

wednesday rolls around. i see him, we chat. awkward pauses, rambling conversation, etc. i finally say "oh i forgot i have to send you the deets for saturday."

he goes, "Oh yeah, i nearly forgot. please send it to me."

so i send it. i tell him, "hope you can make it, feel free to bring friends." SUPER casual, group outing. he goes, "awesome, i'll see if anyone wants to go but i don't have any plans on saturday so i'll proly come." I didn't write back. No need.

Thursday, hardly saw/spoke to him. Friday, saw him once, said hi quickly. Let the day pass.

He doesn't have -any- personal info of mine. no phone #, no FB, nothing.

Should I worry that he won't show up? If he doesn't, does that make him a d-bag?

In a normal situation, wouldn't a guy ask for a way to contact you when he gets to the destination? I know I asked him out but I am still the chick here and I don't want to just give away all of my info. I made it very easy for him by inviting him to a casual event. I still believe that men who are interested in a woman will do what it takes to get their attention and court them.

I am taking into account that we are colleagues and that could be a reason for why he isn't trying to get my personal info.

HEEEELLLLLPPPPP my sorry lame butt!!!

much appreciated. i never ask guys out. i'm so lame.

 

[YankeeCandle]

You're not lame, stop calling yourself that!

I understand the frenzy of emotions you are feeling now.

I don't know much about the ethical/company rules surrounding workplace romance, so I can't speak to that bit.

But I will say that I have always felt most comfortable letting others do most of the emotional legwork in the beginning--not because I have been female and they male, but because I think it's always a better position to be Wanted more than To Want! So, I would have done no more than what you did (in sending the email) because my goal is to see if I am Wanted for myself, and not just out of politeness in response to my pursuit of the Other.

You don't have to worry that you came on too strong or not enough--I think you did just enough, and just leave it at that.

If he doesn't attend , I certainly wouldn't rush to think he is a jerk. It just means that he is not interested enough in you (romantically/sexually) to either go to the event or to email you asking you for your number in person to offer an explanation why not.

Admittedly, I would be a bit disappointed in him as a person or a colleague if he didn't at least email you to let you know he can't make it. Sending an email would show a level of courtesy that bodes well for him as a person (not just as a prospective date).

 

[carolinetwin]

Hmm, PERSONALLY, he is not being proactive enough. You should not have to clarify your arrangements, he should be doing that, being a colleague is no excuse.

If he doesn't show, next time you see him act casual and don't bring it up. Please for your own pride, don't let him see that you're hurt and don't turn crazy on him.

Good luck

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Don't fret, have a great night's sleep tonight. Should he show up, cool if not..don't dwell on it. You have a good time; please don't mess up your good outing by looking for him half the time. Monday rolls around, continue to be friendly, upbeat, don't mention a thing if he didn't show. Good luck.

 

[tada1]

You're not lame, stop calling yourself that!

I understand the frenzy of emotions you are feeling now.

I don't know much about the ethical/company rules surrounding workplace romance, so I can't speak to that bit.

But I will say that I have always felt most comfortable letting others do most of the emotional legwork in the beginning--not because I have been female and they male, but because I think it's always a better position to be Wanted more than To Want! So, I would have done no more than what you did (in sending the email) because my goal is to see if I am Wanted for myself, and not just out of politeness in response to my pursuit of the Other.

You don't have to worry that you came on too strong or not enough--I think you did just enough, and just leave it at that.

If he doesn't attend , I certainly wouldn't rush to think he is a jerk. It just means that he is not interested enough in you (romantically/sexually) to either go to the event or to email you asking you for your number in person to offer an explanation why not.

Admittedly, I would be a bit disappointed in him as a person or a colleague if he didn't at least email you to let you know he can't make it. Sending an email would show a level of courtesy that bodes well for him as a person (not just as a prospective date).

this is pretty much everything that i would have added. couldn't agree more. you did what you needed to do so don't worry. dont send him any details. please oh please don't call him. let things happen as they may

 

[LivingDol1]

thanks, ladies. i appreciate the feedback.

i'm glad i didn't respond to his email. i didn't want to be the last to reply(i know it sound silly but i fixate on these small things.) or to open up to him writing back and saying he changed his mind.

i will not call him (i don't have his # anyway) and i will not look for him at the venue. i am too trained in playing it cool to let that happen. which could be why he's never mustered up the guts to ask me out.

it's strange b/c he's the one who introduced himself to me out of the blue. he seeks me out to chat in my office. he takes interest in my life. he initiates any flirty conversation, and he can't ever stop talking. i guess i changed the game by putting my foot down and finally suggesting an outing.

it's still not a date so maybe it's not horrible.

ugh.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^^ Girl you did everything just right. You gave him a low stress opportunity to get to know you better and now its up to him to step up to the plate or not. If he doesn't show, I would drop it. If he does, keep it light, don't feel like you have to entertain him the whole time but don't ignore him either. Let him show you how he behaves in a social situation. Remember you're checking your interest in him too!

And most of all have fun!

 

[LivingDol1]

^^^^ Girl you did everything just right. You gave him a low stress opportunity to get to know you better and now its up to him to step up to the plate or not. If he doesn't show, I would drop it. If he does, keep it light, don't feel like you have to entertain him the whole time but don't ignore him either. Let him show you how he behaves in a social situation. Remember you're checking your interest in him too!

And most of all have fun!

this is so right. i gave him a neutral opportunity for him to get to know me better outside of work. if I had let him invite me out(he doesn't socialize with his team like I do) it would have been taking it somewhere else immediately. I know I have a crush but I don't know hm well enough to know if I'd date him.

hopefully he will show. my work friends who are also going and are familiar with him think he will definitely be there. I'm a total pessimist.

 

[LivingDol1]

update: he was a no show. I wish diarrhea upon him.

I hate this struggle. I'm a single professional black woman but I'm unrated and apparently only worth five bucks. seriously, why do I bother?! I should assign myself to spinsterhood right now. bring on the cats.

 

[deltagyrl]

Please don't internalize this and beat yourself up. I know that your feelings are light-weight hurt and that's okay. Live & learn. Next time let him do ALL (and I do mean ALL) of the work.

 

[LivingDol1]

oh trust. i will never do any work ever again. ofcourse, this will mean i can't pick the man i want. i can only pick from the losers and the duds that approach me. because i never attract anyone who's worth a damn.

i'll just go ahead and consider myself single for life. crushes have crushed me since i was 13 and i've been on various online dating sites for 10 years. 2 relationships and only one was serious but even that guy was a douche bag. clearly i am not valued by anyone to spend any time with and that annoys the crap out of me because i know i'm a supposed "catch".

whatever. i'm over it. i'm over "putting myself out there" and "putting positie sh*t in the universe" to get good sh*t back. it's bull crap. all of it.

some of us just aren't meant to be in relationships. some of us just aren't desirable. i see that i'm just not that kind. so i will deal with it and settle for that and carry on my way, alone.

 

[deltagyrl]

You don't really believe that gobbledy gook, do you?

Perhaps the reason you attract those who don't value you is because you don't value yourself.



I'm just saying.

 

[ambergirl]

LivingDol1, I know you're not going out like that!

If this dude didn't show for some lame reason....Good...better to find out now then waste another thought on him. His story on Monday will tell you what you need to know.

And I so feel your disappointment and frustration. Trust I have said your exact words to myself more often then I can remember. Most of the high acheiving women I know have challenges finding a suitable partner, regardless of race. And we all know that being black adds another layer of complexity to the mix.

Bottom line is that this whole situtation is probably driven more by sociological factors(like the lack of suitable black male partners or the trickiness of dating IR ) and psychological factors (like the fact that alot of men, regardless of race, struggle with being with successful, accomplished AND beautiful woman) then your personal attributes.

Sounds like taking a little break from the whole dating scene might rejuvenate your spirit. Why not let go of all this for awhile? Don't think about it (e.g. no fantasizing about a man, worrying about whether you're going to meet someone, or projecting spinsterhood into your future) or do anything specifically to meet somebody like being on a dating site. A couple of months of just not gviing a got darn may be just the thing you need!

 

[ambergirl]

BTW LivingDol1....and I say this with L-o-v-e (a la MJ)...you seem to have a lot of emotional investment in this very, very, casual situation....another reason why a break might be in order

 

[LivingDol1]

thanks, ambergirl.

it would sound like it would make sense to take a break from dating... only that i only recently realized that -I- i thought it was OK for me to want to date again. i haven't dated anyone in 2 years and haven't really entertained the idea because there was no one of interest and i guess that was OK at the time.

i think i am ready and if someone comes along worth my time, yeah, i'd like to date.

i am highly annoyed because of the work crush and i -know- that he isn't worth the thought(which makes me more irritated)... but it's -mildly embarrassing- that he didn't show for whatever reason, and b/c my friends were saying he absolutely -would- show when i already had doubts. i know, i didn't get stood up... but it's irritating and i hate the "sorrys" and "i can't believe it" comments.

and then i remember the ugly stats that i read on this off topic forum and it makes me.... so angry. i think the only place i need to take a break from is Off Topic and ET forums(or maybe LHCF altogether). i'm the only one who sees these stats. my parents work in the media and they don't even read or entertain that mess. maybe i should scratch the internet altogether.... replace my laptop with an iPad for "light usage".

i had my outburst (which i am totally entitled to. it's my head and my keyboard) and i will pretend he's gay or something and leave it alone.

but i am sorry, i am ready to date. i am 28 years old. if i keep "putting it off" i'm going to be that old unmarried person with nothing but a job to maintain and that's not a life. if that means i have to tell my friends that they better work on sets ups and think of guys, then that's what i'll do. they keep telling me how beautiful and talented i am... they better set me up on some damn dates. i am tired of being single. i have been tired of it for too long. i am a perfectly fabulous person who has a lot of value for herself(yes, deltagyrl, i'm talking to you) who is worth being with someone equally as great.

i just won't ever extend an invite to any outing to a male of the straight gender for any reason, date or non-date even if he gives me mixed signals and flirts with me daily.

Oh, and i don't expect a story on monday. it's plainly clear without one, which is fine. no need. cuz i'm not supposed to care.

 

[Bulletproof]

Hiya LivingDol1,

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time now with men, but I gotta say you better not believe ANY of that stuff up there you wrote about yourself. I met you so I know that you are super cute and not just oh she has a pretty face because you have a nice body too. You are intelligent and have a dynamic personality making it easy to speak with you even meeting for the first time. And oh let's not forget your awesome career. YOU ARE A CATCH.

It is about to be full on spring and summer in NYC the BEST time to get out and meet and be met. I think instead of building one guy up, and hoping it goes right it is time to get yourself a full deck of men and go through them at your leisure seeing which one you are interested in. That does require going out more which can be a drag but if you have a circle of women friends who are down you are set. And if you don't PM me, I plan to be all over the town this Spring/Summer.

 

[LivingDol1]

thanks kayex.

yeah i will have to PM you. my circle is dwindling as they are all getting married off...

i would like to have 4 guys on a dating rotation. i want free meals.

 

[ambergirl]

thanks, ambergirl.

it would sound like it would make sense to take a break from dating... only that i only recently realized that -I- i thought it was OK for me to want to date again. i haven't dated anyone in 2 years and haven't really entertained the idea because there was no one of interest and i guess that was OK at the time.

i think i am ready and if someone comes along worth my time, yeah, i'd like to date.

i am highly annoyed because of the work crush and i -know- that he isn't worth the thought(which makes me more irritated)... but it's -mildly embarrassing- that he didn't show for whatever reason, and b/c my friends were saying he absolutely -would- show when i already had doubts. i know, i didn't get stood up... but it's irritating and i hate the "sorrys" and "i can't believe it" comments.

and then i remember the ugly stats that i read on this off topic forum and it makes me.... so angry. i think the only place i need to take a break from is Off Topic and ET forums(or maybe LHCF altogether). i'm the only one who sees these stats. my parents work in the media and they don't even read or entertain that mess. maybe i should scratch the internet altogether.... replace my laptop with an iPad for "light usage".

i had my outburst (which i am totally entitled to. it's my head and my keyboard) and i will pretend he's gay or something and leave it alone.

but i am sorry, i am ready to date. i am 28 years old. if i keep "putting it off" i'm going to be that old unmarried person with nothing but a job to maintain and that's not a life. if that means i have to tell my friends that they better work on sets ups and think of guys, then that's what i'll do. they keep telling me how beautiful and talented i am... they better set me up on some damn dates. i am tired of being single. i have been tired of it for too long. i am a perfectly fabulous person who has a lot of value for herself(yes, deltagyrl, i'm talking to you) who is worth being with someone equally as great.

i just won't ever extend an invite to any outing to a male of the straight gender for any reason, date or non-date even if he gives me mixed signals and flirts with me daily.

Oh, and i don't expect a story on monday. it's plainly clear without one, which is fine. no need. cuz i'm not supposed to care.

I am all for outrageous outbursts...so work that out girl!

Still, and here's another l-o-v-e moment, to me this guy flaking should have just rolled off your back like water...dude, didn't show....whatever....k.i.m. that it meant so much to you suggests you may be over ready for a relationship. Since you haven't been dating for awhile maybe the answer isn't to step out of the dating world but to ratchet back your desire to be in a relationship right this minute! I know it sounds new agey but I truly believe men can sense that energy a mile away and steer clear.

Just my humble opinion, take what's useful (if anything) and leave the rest.

 

[LivingDol1]

I am all for outrageous outbursts...so work that out girl!

Still, and here's another l-o-v-e moment, to me this guy flaking should have just rolled off your back like water...dude, didn't show....whatever....k.i.m. that it meant so much to you suggests you may be over ready for a relationship. Since you haven't been dating for awhile maybe the answer isn't to step out of the dating world but to ratchet back your desire to be in a relationship right this minute! I know it sounds new agey but I truly believe men can sense that energy a mile away and steer clear.

Just my humble opinion, take what's useful (if anything) and leave the rest.

men are stupid. they can't sense anything. it's so confusing to hear conflicting comments in life. "men can sense this and that" vs "men think you're intimidating or playing it too cool."

UGH.

i don't give a rat's patootie about what they hear with their dog ears or not. there is NO guy available to have a sense or not have a sense. i'm surrounded by gays and tools. i am so sick and tired of having to be extra aware of myself because potentially some loser with a penis might "have a sense". oh, those men they're sooooo conscious and soooo sensitive. oooh, don't disturb them. i hate men. nevermind. i don't wanna date. it's a pointless search.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I am pisssssssssed on your behalf that this man did not have the professional or human courtesy to drop you a line letting you know he couldn't make it.

This isn't even about him not being interested in you romantically, which is disappointing, but not the end of the world.

And I am pissed at the universe that a woman like you has had such lousy luck in the relationship/dating realm.

I think ambergirl, kayex, etc. gave great advice....but I just want to let you know that I understand your emotional outburst is not borne of this particular dude but of years of pent-up frustration. He was just the straw on the camel's back.


P.S. I beg you to skip those "Black women will be alone and lonely until they are interred in the ground, mawahahahahahaha!" threads!

But keep LHCF so you can do this type of venting that your friends would look at you sideways like for.

 

[YankeeCandle]

i don't give a rat's patootie about what they hear with their dog ears or not. .

I'm sorry, but this just has me


Maybe the men around you are too thick to appreciate your--er, potent-- sense of humor.

 

[JewelleNY]

Hi LivingDol, I feel your frustration

I also agree that just casually dating different guys at once is the best bet. I also had a two year hiatus and this worked best for me. I started out like you wanting a relationship right away but when you've been out of the dating realm so long you need to work on brushing up on your dating skills first and just having fun Plus, you feel less dependent on one guy so soon.

I would also recommend staying out of negative threads about black women and I had to take a break from this board as well because we are all so different and what works for one may not work for you. There are tons of single guys out there who have problems with meeting women too. Just try to be yourself and don't say you are not going to approach a guy in the future, this guy was not for you at this time but the reasons may have nothing to do with you. He may be coming out of a relationship, having personal issues, or anything but try not to take it personally. He may be into you but his situation may not allow him to date you at this time.

Please don't give up on dating

 

[LivingDol1]

I am pisssssssssed on your behalf that this man did not have the professional or human courtesy to drop you a line letting you know he couldn't make it.

This isn't even about him not being interested in you romantically, which is disappointing, but not the end of the world.

And I am pissed at the universe that a woman like you has had such lousy luck in the relationship/dating realm.

I think ambergirl, kayex, etc. gave great advice....but I just want to let you know that I understand your emotional outburst is not borne of this particular dude but of years of pent-up frustration. He was just the straw on the camel's back.


P.S. I beg you to skip those "Black women will be alone and lonely for the until they are interred in the ground, mawahahahahahaha!" threads!

But keep LHCF so you can do this type of venting that your friends would look at you sideways like for.

thank you. yes, this is exactly what is going on.

i will try to not read the black women threads. no more online dating. sick of men writing me email when they list -every- ethnicity except "black" as their preference... waste of my $$. i wish i could sue match.com or something for brainwashing and then robbing me.

 

[LivingDol1]

I'm sorry, but this just has me


Maybe the men around you are too thick to appreciate your--er, potent-- sense of humor.

lmao. they don't even know. i keep it reeled in. i am so proper in person that when i curse, people clutch their imaginary pearls. if only they knew how i wish my eyes were machine guns.

 

[LivingDol1]

Hi LivingDol, I feel your frustration

I also agree that just casually dating different guys at once is the best bet. I also had a two year hiatus and this worked best for me. I started out like you wanting a relationship right away but when you've been out of the dating realm so long you need to work on brushing up on your dating skills first and just having fun Plus, you feel less dependent on one guy so soon.

I would also recommend staying out of negative threads about black women and I had to take a break from this board as well because we are all so different and what works for one may not work for you. There are tons of single guys out there who have problems with meeting women too. Just try to be yourself and don't say you are not going to approach a guy in the future, this guy was not for you at this time but the reasons may have nothing to do with you. He may be coming out of a relationship, having personal issues, or anything but try not to take it personally. He may be into you but his situation may not allow him to date you at this time.

Please don't give up on dating

hi jewelle

i won't give up on dating... i'm just going to sit here and patiently wait for some guy to pick me. like i'm a puppy at the pet store. be cute. don't poop on the rug. wag my tail.

i wish there was a "parental control" function to block out certain thread topics. that would make my psyche a little more healthy. i never had these negative black women thoughts until joining this forum.

i've never dated more than 2 guys at once. this will pose a challenge. we'll see. but i want 4 on rotation. i deserve free lobster dinners. i've suffered enough.

 

[LeftRightRepeat]

you're very funny. I would date you..if I were a man...LOL.

 

[YankeeCandle]

^^^^ I can tell you deserve a uniquely cool partner who himself is deserving of such uniquely cool and wickedly funny woman.

To be perfectly honest, even though I know everyone is a special snowflake, etc, etc, , a lot of people are just cookie-cutter and think the same way, like the same things, laugh at the same stuff, etc. You are going to have to push aside a whole bunch of these pedestrian types before you find someone who "gets" you and appreciates your uniqueness and either complements that with his own quirkiness or provides a foil for it (my man is a straight-man foil to my madcap, er, colorful, self).

Keep wading through the oceans of regular folk till you find your pearl.

 

[LivingDol1]

i hate swimming.

people are cookie cutter... robotic banter... guys say the same mess and the responses are predictable. maybe i should just go on a date and take off my shirt or something in the first 15 seconds just to get that out of the way... then they'll know if they wanna see me in a few months...

animals.

 

[JewelleNY]

hi jewelle

i won't give up on dating... i'm just going to sit here and patiently wait for some guy to pick me. like i'm a puppy at the pet store. be cute. don't poop on the rug. wag my tail.

i wish there was a "parental control" function to block out certain thread topics. that would make my psyche a little more healthy. i never had these negative black women thoughts until joining this forum.

i've never dated more than 2 guys at once. this will pose a challenge. we'll see. but i want 4 on rotation. i deserve free lobster dinners. i've suffered enough.

nooooooo!!!

do not wait for some guy to pick you! Be in control.

Maybe your guy prefers a more one on one setting and did not know how to tell you. I dated a guy once who really liked me. My friends pressured me to invite him to a social event with everyone so they could meet him. At first he seemed interested in going but he seemed unsure as time progressed. He ended up not going but still went out with just me after that. I had invited him very early on in our relationship and looking back, I think he just wasn't into group things before we were fully comfortable with each other. Who knows, but I try not to make too many conclusions about the guys or myself.

I predict many fun dates in your future full of lobsters and cute guys!

 

[hopeful]

(((hugs)))
I hate hearing your frustration, breaks my heart. Your time is coming. Try something completely different and new but don't give up. I've seen your pic before--you are beautiful. Try out new cities, girl there are cities when I hit the airport I am the "it" girl. It's like I have the perfect look for that city. Other cities I am completely ignored. You may be in the wrong place or doing the wrong thing or it's just not quite your time. Open your mind and heart to trying something completely different. Your prince charming awaits...