another one bites the dust.

[Glamorous_chic]

well, it seems my dating drama continues. I've been seeing an old classmate of mine for the last few weeks. He seems like a perfect gentlemen, is very mannerable, nice, attractive, ect ect. anyways, so, i request him as a facebook friend, (i swear facebook will be the end of civilization as we know it. ) so, low and behold it turns out he's seperated and has 2 children. i'm seriouslly wondering what it is that attracts me to these type of men. emotionally unavailable liars. so, i asked him why did he not tell me. his response was he doesn't like discussing it. so, i'm just really trying to reevaluate what type of aura or energy i'm sending out. it gets even more painful when i go out and see happy couples and i'm out still single and lonely. i know that you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but it doesnt sting any less. especially when you meet someone, you start enjoying their company, and you like them, and then BAM. i realize that i should be thankful that i found out sooner than later. i did ask him point blank if he was married or in a relationship, he said no. guess i have to start asking are you seperated. ugh. i was just sitting here thinking about this, and needed to vent. thanks for reading.

 

[Almaz]

Thats okay glad you found out sooner than later.

 

[southerncitygirl]

i agree with almaz, what if you would have fell for him and gotten serious? i know it frustrating but sometimes with men they just test the waters to see if women will "bite".i know its messed up but it them being a-holes has nothing to do with you as a person *hugs*

 

[donna894]

Also he's not honest with you. Until he is divorced, he is still married. You had a right to know. I'm glad this jerk won't be wasting any more of your time.

 

[Almaz]

Thank you. You said it much better than I did. Its not you. Some men can smell women who are lonely vunerable. They prey on women like this. This is why you have to be extra careful. He was wrong wrong wrong.

i agree with almaz, what if you would have fell for him and gotten serious? i know it frustrating but sometimes with men they just test the waters to see if women will "bite".i know its messed up but it them being a-holes has nothing to do with you as a person *hugs*

 

[Glamorous_chic]

thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[hopeful]

(((hugs))) Sorry he disappointed you. This is why it's important to move slowly with people. You did everything right, asked the right questions & checked out his facebook page. What else can you do? Try to shake it off and keep thinking positively. All men aren't jerks.

 

[phillycocogirl]

(((hugs))) Sorry he disappointed you. This is why it's important to move slowly with people. You did everything right, asked the right questions & checked out his facebook page. What else can you do? Try to shake it off and keep thinking positively. All men aren't jerks.

Hopeful is right. Taking things slowly helps weed out the a$$holes. It gives you time to discover possible dealbreakers. Don't blame yourself because its definitely not your fault but it's important that you trust both your heart and your head before you become serious in a relationship. So don't worry, you will find the right guy eventually.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I'm glad you found out sooner than later, and applaud you even more for taking a conscious look at your energy.

I don't know your dating story, but are you dispensing extra time toward "looking for something?"

Speaking in terms of the Universe, it usually helps you find exactly what you're looking for if you're really ready for it.

On the other hand, sometimes when we spend too much time trying to "do the work," then the Universe can't do it's job of dropping your gift off right at the front door.

Or, you may just "feel" ready but truly aren't and therefore are probably just being prepared for a relationship that's on it's way while you're being patient.

 

[HoneyA]

This is why I ask all the questions in all the various forms you could think of otherwise if you miss one, they'll tell you but... you never asked that and they'd be right. And you have nothing to stand on (although in this case he did lie, he's still married though separated). So from now on,

Do you have:
-wife
-ex-wife (you still see from time to time and have a thing with)
-are you separated?
-fiance
-ex-fiance (who you still see from time to time and have a thing with)
-GF
-ex-GF who you are still into?
-are you interested in someone right now?
-anyone who would think you and her are an item for whatever reason?
-children
-gay/bisexual

Girl cover ALL your bases. Then they can never say you didn't ask. They are sly like that. Don't just fire the questions though work them into the first conversation or date and be sugary sweet and flirtatious. Anyway, you won't make this mistake again for sure.Don't beat yourself up. At least you found out sooner rather than later.

 

[awhyley]

Girl cover ALL your bases. Then they can never say you didn't ask.

I don't like the fact that you have to play interrogator for men to be honest. My thing is they should WANT to be honest and straight-forward from the jump. I understand that men lie, and can 'manipulate' information for their own purposes, but those are the ones you drop from the onset (good work OP). All those questions above look like a lot of hard work.

 

[lux10023]

my question is did you ask him what his current situation is?

do you have any children?

i agree with the other person i would ask men allllllllllll types of questions--i need to know who im dealing with--and i would ask them in a converstatonal way--but by golly i need to know what sup...

 

[HoneyA]

I don't like the fact that you have to play interrogator for men to be honest. My thing is they should WANT to be honest and straight-forward from the jump. I understand that men lie, and can 'manipulate' information for their own purposes, but those are the ones you drop from the onset (good work OP). All those questions above look like a lot of hard work.

I agree that men should want to be honest and straightforward right from the get go.

Not a lot of work at all. If you meet a guy, you ask him if he's married and he says yes, well then case closed. If he tells you no, but then turns out he is married, then you know he's a liar and a cheat and then case closed..move on. Either way, you know who you are dealing with. Same thing for the rest of the questions.

In any case, I always speak from experience so based on my experience, I'll continue working questions in. Always better in the long run.

 

[Bunny77]

The interesting thing about this is that I've NEVER asked any of those questions. Yet, I've found that most men have just flat out told me about their divorces, kids, etc.

Now, I do know that one was shady in not telling me that he had kids. I found out through the grapevine, but he didn't know that I knew. But just by observing his behavior, I knew he was hiding something... he'd always call me at odd hours when I told him to call me during the day... he'd always come up with reasons why we couldn't meet for lunch (he always wanted to do dinner and I said I preferred a lunch date as a first date)... and then he'd always say that I was "busy," yet when I asked him why he didn't contact me on one weekend when I told him I was available, he had no answer.

That right there told me all I needed to know, BEFORE I even found out about the kid. He probably was spending time with his kid (which is good -- but please TELL me that a kid exists, okay?) and possibly with other women as well.

While I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask direct questions if that's one's style, it's not something I do. I think that by keeping it light early and observing behavior patterns, you can figure out a LOT. Playing detective just isn't my personal style, and won't ever be, really.

Anyway, to the OP... everyone will have unavailable men approaching them. That is not a reflection on the woman being approached. That's just life. The key is how quickly you move on after learning the truth... and always keeping your eyes and ears open as you get to know a man. Whether you ask questions or observe, just pay attention!

 

[Spiffy]

I don't like the fact that you have to play interrogator for men to be honest. My thing is they should WANT to be honest and straight-forward from the jump. I understand that men lie, and can 'manipulate' information for their own purposes, but those are the ones you drop from the onset (good work OP). All those questions above look like a lot of hard work.

So true! Were our parents and grandparents doing this? I know a friend who's aunt did a background check on her current husband when they first started dating. That's extreme, but will it really come to that in the future?

 

[Glamorous_chic]

i agree with all of the advice. The sad part is if it werent for his facebook page, i probably would've never found out had he not told me. his "wife" lives across the country with his kids. He's military. so, sad part is, he's kind of lived up to the stereotype. He has no photos around his place. and honestly, if it werent for the fact that facebook shows your status changes, i wouldn't have known something was up. but, i do agree, that its very important to always take it slow, b/c the truth will always come to light. i was a little bit hurt when i found out, but i am moving on. b/c in light of that situation, and a few other events, i see that he's one of those half truith type of people. where they "technically" didnt lie, but werent exactly honest.