Am I Wrong? - Flowers Edition

[aribell]

I've been pursued by a longtime friend who has been expressing his interest pretty consistently for a few years. He is explicitly marriage minded. I decided to talk to him about his intentions and we decided to be more intentional and see how things develop. He's been completely consistent, calling every night and texting during the day.

It was my birthday this weekend and on Friday my work team bought me flowers. I took a pic and put it on Facebook 'cause they were pretty. But that weekend and since then, he has been asking me repeatedly where the flowers came from to the point that he's getting upset with me since I haven't told him. At first I was just lightheartedly teasing him by not saying where they came from, but then he started becoming more insistent on knowing. I guess I didn't like the demand to know and I just kind of brushed it off. Well, now he's upset with me, but my point to him was that I wanted to know what significance it had for him. One, we're not a couple, so it can't be an issue of "is she cheating?" And two, I didn't get anything from him regardless (I live 4 hrs. away), so it's not like he's doling out all this money on me and I'm taking advantage. Had he done something, I might feel more inclined to reassure him.

Of course I get why he might feel jealous thinking they were from another man; but at the same time I don't feel like he has a right to demand to know. He didn't want to end the conversation, but I told him we'd talk tomorrow.

Am I wrong?

 

[God_Favor]

Hmmmm, I totally understand why you did it. I probaly woukdve rolled like that too, but there realky no need to play games , especially if you posted the fb pic to say "looka here negro, I dont need yo butt"

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy III using LHCF

 

[aribell]

Hmmmm, I totally understand why you did it. I probaly woukdve rolled like that too, but there realky no need to play games , especially if you posted the fb pic to say "looka here negro, I dont need yo butt"

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy III using LHCF

I really just posted them because I was pleasantly surprised and they were pretty. And I was in a good mood.

He likened wanting to know to bidding on a house. "You want to know whether anyone else is interested so you can know what cards to play." And again, my question was, "So how would that change things for you?" He wants some type of reassurance and I don't want to give it to him...but he does think I'm playing games with him. If so, it's not intentional. :scratchch

 

[Lenee925]

I really just posted them because I was pleasantly surprised and they were pretty. And I was in a good mood.

I think you have a very sensible and practical way of thinking.

1. He didn't get you anything anyway. So what if a man had given you those? Which leads me to # 2

2. You aren't an item. You're both still single.

3. You let him vent and he wouldn't let it go, so in a way you are seeing his reaction to being jealous(?) and can make mental notes of it.

4. You told him you'd speak to him tomorrow. Totally fine, allow him time to process and gain a better perspective.

Edit: I just saw your edit and what he said...hmm sounds like the game bit is on him really

 

[Mai Tai]

I don't think you were wrong at all personally. He needs to let it go because he isn't your man, AND he didn't get you anything for your B-Day.

To me, being marriage minded, and having intentions means absolutely nothing. Words are free. What matters are his actions and until he puts his intentions to work, he doesn't deserve any reassurance, nor an explanation.

 

[Kalani]

If he is acting like this and you aren't even an item just imagine if you were together? I know some women find a man's jealousy to be flattering but I find it to be tiresome and a sign of insecurity. IMHO

Also, he is a longtime friend and pursuing you romantically yet did not get you anything for your birthday? Yeah, he needs to stop whining and focus more on stepping up his game.

 

[swirl]

why are you playing games with the man? none of us sent you anything for your birthday and you told us where they came from...lol

 

[crlsweetie912]

If he's serious about you and marriage minded, why didn't HE send you flowers? That's the first thing that came to mind for me. And he's just wanting to know if he has some competition.
I had something like that happen to me a while ago. My co-workers and I had vowed to make each other's Valentine's day special so we did lots of little things for each other. One of the girls who was my close friend had gotten me some flowers because I had come up with the idea and she wanted to thank me because it was the first time she had ever gotten anything on Valentine's day and it was special for her. Dude got all salty, but he never mentioned it and tried to throw it up in my face WAYYYYY later when we were having an argument....wth (he didn't get me anything for Valentine's day)

 

[awhyley]

why are you playing games with the man? none of us sent you anything for your birthday and you told us where they came from...lol

She's not playing games with him. In fact, I would say the opposite. If he wanted to be with her from the jump and now he has an opportunity and didn't send any flowers/gift/etc. for the birthday, he's already dropped the ball. He doesn't have the right to demand any explanation from her.

 

[lux10023]

idk he asked a simple question it warranted a simple answer..hey babes where did you get the flowers from...it was my bday and etc etc from my job

the whole being coy and not answering to me..led the topic into another direction--if a man posted a pic of a meal he enjoyed on his fb and you asked hey babes who cooked that for you or etc
and he played coy and didnt tell..it just seemed like a simple question to me

 

[Lucie]

I would have told him but also reminded him that he got me NOTHING, LOL! IJS!

 

[ThickHair]

idk he asked a simple question it warranted a simple answer..hey babes where did you get the flowers from...it was my bday and etc etc from my job

the whole being coy and not answering to me..led the topic into another direction--if a man posted a pic of a meal he enjoyed on his fb and you asked hey babes who cooked that for you or etc
and he played coy and didnt tell..it just seemed like a simple question to me

Thank you. Mountain out of a mole hill.

 

[lux10023]

I just think you have to know ya dude---some dudes would find that cute aww shes not telling me--other dudes could be like--really this is what we're doing hmmm...

OP Im sure you guys can work this lil spat out--not sure how long you've known him but understanding his temperment and persona and him understanding yours comes with time...

Thank you. Mountain out of a mole hill.

 

[aribell]

idk he asked a simple question it warranted a simple answer..hey babes where did you get the flowers from...it was my bday and etc etc from my job

the whole being coy and not answering to me..led the topic into another direction--if a man posted a pic of a meal he enjoyed on his fb and you asked hey babes who cooked that for you or etc
and he played coy and didnt tell..it just seemed like a simple question to me

Yeah, I see where you're coming from with this. He didn't ask as a passing question--it was pointed. Like I said, at first I was just lighthearted about it and thought it was done with. But he continued to bring it up in subsequent conversations, saying that we couldn't talk about anything else until he knew where the flowers came from. It wasn't a big deal. But I didn't like him making it a big deal. He wants to know whether anyone else is pursuing me, but really, there's no reason for him to feel like, "Oh, good, no one else is around." It has nothing to do with whether things will or won't work with us--like if you think no one else is around, do you feel like you can just be lazy? I admit there are probably other ways I could've addressed that.

 

[aribell]

I would have told him but also reminded him that he got me NOTHING, LOL! IJS!

This is probably what is going to happen.

I don't think you were wrong at all personally. He needs to let it go because he isn't your man, AND he didn't get you anything for your B-Day.

To me, being marriage minded, and having intentions means absolutely nothing. Words are free. What matters are his actions and until he puts his intentions to work, he doesn't deserve any reassurance, nor an explanation.

This is exactly my thinking about it, and about this whole intentionality thing.

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

why are you playing games with the man? none of us sent you anything for your birthday and you told us where they came from...lol

I basically agree with this response. It seems like you are testing him. Flowers aren't that big a deal IMO, so he probably thinks it's weird that u won't just tell him lol. He's trying to cuff u and he probably sees u as being secretive, or worse, deceiving already.

Just my humble viewpoint.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I think you're wrong...but ONLY because it sounds like you're playing games by not just telling him who gave you the flowers, and letting him think that a man gave them to you.

Evidently, you care for him in some kind of way, or you wouldn't be making a thread. And since you care, spare his feelings and tell him. And while you're telling him where the flowers came from, also tell him that any man you're with needs to do or buy you something for your birthday.

 

[faithVA]

I think you don't like this guy. And one day you said, hey why not? And even though there is some let's see where it goes attitude, you really don't care if it goes anywhere. So the not telling him was just another way to keep him at arms distance. I think you should tell him where the flowers came from and just go back to your friendship and forget about taking it anywhere else.

 

[Kalani]

He wants to know whether anyone else is pursuing me, but really, there's no reason for him to feel like, "Oh, good, no one else is around." It has nothing to do with whether things will or won't work with us--like if you think no one else is around, do you feel like you can just be lazy? I admit there are probably other ways I could've addressed that.

See this is the first thing that popped into my head but I don't know him so didn't want to be totally unfair to the guy.

 

[LiftedUp]

No you are not wrong. If he didn't want someone else to be sending your flowers (which he assumed), he would've stepped up and sent some himself.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

He sounds wack. He didn't send anything but he wants to know who else did? Why? For what? Tell him or don't tell him but he sounds bothersome, which is probably why it took so long for you to notice him in the first place. lol.

 

[Fine 4s]

*my post went poof*

I'm taking notes!
THIS is how women make men Ssssweat! or go crazy lol
Unfortunately, I find it a bit cold hearted BUT I also have a hign potential to be a "doormat." I'm taking meds for it now

 

[BostonMaria]

Just tell him where you got the flowers. I think you secretly liked the attention. I would've!

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[gabulldawg]

I think you're wrong...but ONLY because it sounds like you're playing games by not just telling him who gave you the flowers, and letting him think that a man gave them to you.

Evidently, you care for him in some kind of way, or you wouldn't be making a thread. And since you care, spare his feelings and tell him. And while you're telling him where the flowers came from, also tell him that any man you're with needs to do or buy you something for your birthday.

ITA. I also think you were wrong, OP. But dude was also wrong. Why play games? I would've told him where the flowers came from AND I would've asked him why he didn't get me anything. I also would probably let things burn with him because I would be turned off by that. DH and I started dating shortly before my birthday (about a month or so) and he made an effort to get me something small and took me out to dinner. Men have to learn that certain things are just unacceptable if they want to pursue a woman. Playing games with him won't teach him that IMO.

 

[Zaynab]

I really just posted them because I was pleasantly surprised and they were pretty. And I was in a good mood.

He likened wanting to know to bidding on a house. "You want to know whether anyone else is interested so you can know what cards to play." And again, my question was, "So how would that change things for you?" He wants some type of reassurance and I don't want to give it to him...but he does think I'm playing games with him. If so, it's not intentional. :scratchch

If you bid on a house and you know there is another bid out there, you bid higher. His analogy is flawed.

I'm not about making a single man that is not in a relationship with me feel comfortable. And I think he feels insecure b/c he didnt' do anything for your birthday. Sorry but it's like $50 bucks to send flowers long distance. I do that for my dog's therapist so a person I'm interested in? Eh.

If he feels threatened then oh well. If he thinks someone else is pursuing you, then he should come harder. Men ARE competitive. At this point if you say they are from your work team he probably won't believe you but so what.

 

[Zaynab]

I think you're wrong...but ONLY because it sounds like you're playing games by not just telling him who gave you the flowers, and letting him think that a man gave them to you.

Evidently, you care for him in some kind of way, or you wouldn't be making a thread. And since you care, spare his feelings and tell him. And while you're telling him where the flowers came from, also tell him that any man you're with needs to do or buy you something for your birthday.

They aren't in a relationship-they are old friends reconnecting and deciding if they are going to date. He's asking questions or demanding like someone that thinks they are exclusive. I'm sure he has other women he knows. He was just uncomfortable at the fact that she may have a man she knows that sent her flowers. I don't see the big deal, I may have told him eventually but I don't think she's playing games.

I wouldn't fool with him just because I don't like men that don't recognize special days and he seems a bit whiney/immature. So what she got flowers? I met DH right before my birthday and a valentines day. He bought me a gift on each holiday, we weren't exclusive. I also knew him to be one of those "I don't do holidays" kind of dudes and I was like oh that's too bad for everyone else, it's not applicable to me. And he's never ever missed a beat.

I think dude felt bad about not doing something for her birthday, then felt put on notice. AS HE SHOULD.

 

[hopeful]

I think the real issue is he's a longtime friend who ignored your birthday. Plus, he's been pursuing you for years, you finally open the door, and he misses a wonderful opportunity to express his feelings for you and make you feel special. He doesn't sound like that great of a friend or potential romantic partner.

 

[Mai Tai]

I don't get the vibe that OP is playing games at all.

Just because this man is questioning her doesn't mean that she HAS to give him an answer.

She didn't lie to him(<--playing games) or lead him to believe that another man is in the picture. She simply glazed over the original question in which she has every right to do.

This man is not privledged to inside information, and the fact that he is demanding it despite not making their relationship exclusive, AND not bothering to get her a birthday gift makes him seem weak.

OP owes him nothing...nada...He ain't her man. Keep it moving.

 

[Lenee925]

They aren't in a relationship-they are old friends reconnecting and deciding if they are going to date. He's asking questions or demanding like someone that thinks they are exclusive. I'm sure he has other women he knows. He was just uncomfortable at the fact that she may have a man she knows that sent her flowers. I don't see the big deal, I may have told him eventually but I don't think she's playing games.

I wouldn't fool with him just because I don't like men that don't recognize special days and he seems a bit whiney/immature. So what she got flowers? I met DH right before my birthday and a valentines day. He bought me a gift on each holiday, we weren't exclusive. I also knew him to be one of those "I don't do holidays" kind of dudes and I was like oh that's too bad for everyone else, it's not applicable to me. And he's never ever missed a beat.

I think dude felt bad about not doing something for her birthday, then felt put on notice. AS HE SHOULD.

I think the real issue is he's a longtime friend who ignored your birthday. Plus, he's been pursuing you for years, you finally open the door, and he misses a wonderful opportunity to express his feelings for you and make you feel special. He doesn't sound like that great of a friend or potential romantic partner.

I don't get the vibe that OP is playing games at all.

Just because this man is questioning her doesn't mean that she HAS to give him an answer.

She didn't lie to him(<--playing games) or lead him to believe that another man is in the picture. She simply glazed over the original question in which she has every right to do.

This man is not privledged to inside information, and the fact that he is demanding it despite not making their relationship exclusive, AND not bothering to get her a birthday gift makes him seem weak.

OP owes him nothing...nada...He ain't her man. Keep it moving.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I think the real issue is he's a longtime friend who ignored your birthday. Plus, he's been pursuing you for years, you finally open the door, and he misses a wonderful opportunity to express his feelings for you and make you feel special. He doesn't sound like that great of a friend or potential romantic partner.

ITA. What man doesn't acknowledge a birthday, especially when desperate to be with you.

I don't think this man is willing to put effort into this OP.