Am I overreacting?

LiftedUp

LiftedUp

Well-Known Member
Ok ladies, problem solved... I think.

He called and ask me if he can take me out on a "birthday lunch" tomorrow. I'm not sure if I like being an after thought but I agreed to it.

He is a nerdy/quiet/reserved guy so I understand that he may not be the most outgoing person but geez one day to make me feel special and you cannot do that? Sigh...

Thanks for the honest opinions *hug*


Is he just not that into me?

So I met this guy and it so happens that he seems perfect and fits 95% of what I am looking for in a guy. He really embodies all the important things on my list. The one or two not so important criteria that he doesn't meet, I'm willing to overlook it, because they're purely superficial, trust me.

So from like day 2/3 after he expressed his interest, I told him upfront that I'm looking for a long-term relationship and a life long partner. He said that he respects my wishes and agrees with me because he's looking for the same. So we both decided to have a 1 month get to know you before getting into a committed relationship since we both intend on a long-term relationship. This will be week 4.

We went on a couple of dates, he a perfect gentleman, my parents gave him the thumbs up (they met him by chance while we were out), my friends are excited so yes everything is going well, his friends are excited, our mutual friends are excited etc.

We are not seeing anyone else and we have not moved beyond kissing.

Then, my birthday comes around. He wished me "happy birthday" then no present, no date, nada. :look: Now we're unofficial so a present is not mandatory but no romantic dinner, nothing? I went out with my family for dinner (he knows this) and with my friends (he know this), why does he think that it's acceptable that he not do the same?

I'm perplexed and really think that this guy does not appreciate me enough.

So after being short with him yesterday and today, he calls to find out if I'm alright and if I am angry with him.:ohwell: So I said no, I'm busy and ended the call early. Then he sends me some lovey dovey texts (I'm into texting, he prefers phone calls...).

I'm ready to let this taper off by the end of the week and move on because I really cannot deal with someone who doesn't appreciate me, think I'm special etc.

Am I overreacting? Am I being hasty? Or am I missing something????

I'm a big girl I can take it straight.
 
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It's a tough call. You agreed not to be exclusive for 30 days and you're just coming up on that. Maybe he wasn't sure what to do. On the other hand, one might say if he was really into you, he'd do something special for you. I'd talk to him before writing him off.
 
He could be just playing along with your lead to get your cookies. How he going to be serious and not do anything for your special day?

Some men do and say whatever to get a unlimited cookie supply.
 
I am inclined to think you are right, but I guess you could ask him why he overlooked your birthday. He didn't even give you a card? And I tell you what, that would be the only time I'd ask. If you didn't like him so much I would say move on, but I'd hate for you to have regrets.
 
I'm thinking the 'mistake' was agreeing to a trial period. I've never really heard of this and thought things took their course. I'm thinking he used this in some way. Either as an outer or to play mind games with you.
The fact that he asked, 'what's up' gets me mad. He knows very well what is up. He just wants you to say it and then he'll throw the trial period in your face.
 
The trial period is the "dating" period I suppose. I feel like my heart is telling me to let it go.
 
curious, if it's only a trial period why introduce him to your family until you know for sure that the relationship may be headed somewhere...
 
LiftedUp said:
The trial period is the "dating" period I suppose. I feel like my heart is telling me to let it go.
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I think this is a big deal to you so you should not let it go. Did you two talk about the importance of special days? If not this should be something you bring up because it is important to you.

The idea that someone else should know how important something is to us without us saying it does not always work. If you have talked about it directly then that would be a different story.
 
Iwanthealthyhair67 said:
curious, if it's only a trial period why introduce him to your family until you know for sure that the relationship may be headed somewhere...
Click to expand...

It was in the street. It was really unplanned.

If someone came to me with this I would tell them to let it go. I just don't know why I'm waiting to be surprised with something :ohwell:

It's not a trail period per se. It's what people refer to as dating? It's just that we never did it before in our previous relationships.

Also we were friends for 2 months before so he knows my likes and dislikes.

I just feel that I shouldn't have to ask him anything or tell a grown man how to be with someone.
 
faithVA said:
I think this is a big deal to you so you should not let it go. Did you two talk about the importance of special days? If not this should be something you bring up because it is important to you.

The idea that someone else should know how important something is to us without us saying it does not always work. If you have talked about it directly then that would be a different story.
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If figured that if my family is taking me out and my friends are taking me out then it's a big deal...
 
men are very simple minded creatures. if you tell a dog to sit, he'll sit.

pull up ur big girl pannies and get over urself. both parties mutually agreed to this "getting to know you for 1 month" type arrangement, so i don't know why u trippin. He wished you a happy birthday. what did you expect? really?

chile puleez... you're not his woman and he's not obligated to you like that. be glad that he acknowledged you on your birthday.

he doesn't owe you anything just because yall went on a few dates and vice versa. u doin too much.
 
Ok ladies, problem solved... I think.

He called and ask me if he can take me out on a "birthday lunch" tomorrow. I'm not sure if I like being an after thought but I agreed to it.

He is a nerdy/quiet/reserved guy so I understand that he may not be the most outgoing person but geez one day to make me feel special and you cannot do that? Sigh...

Thanks for the honest opinions *hug*
 
LiftedUp said:
If figured that if my family is taking me out and my friends are taking me out then it's a big deal...
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I understand. But you want him to read your mind and not talk to him. Then he didn't read your mind and didn't do what you wanted. I'm just saying if you think the relationship is worth anything at least speak your peace.
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
men are very simple minded creatures. if you tell a dog to sit, he'll sit.

pull up ur big girl pannies and get over urself. both parties mutually agreed to this "getting to know you for 1 month" type arrangement, so i don't know why u trippin. He wished you a happy birthday. what did you expect? really?

chile puleez... you're not his woman and he's not obligated to you like that. be glad that he acknowledged you on your birthday.

he doesn't owe you anything just because yall went on a few dates and vice versa. u doin too much.
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This is what I was thinking as well. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of it. But the other side of me thinking that he should be trying to impress me at this stage.
 
faithVA said:
I understand. But you want him to read your mind and not talk to him. Then he didn't read your mind and didn't do what you wanted. I'm just saying if you think the relationship is worth anything at least speak your peace.
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This is why I came here because I honestly think I've been talking to too many people about it. I vented to a friend. I vented to his friend's girlfriend whom I'm friends with (I did ask her to keep her mouth shut :look:). But I cannot bring myself to say it to his face. I guess he figured it out and the reason for my mood change.
 
Maybe he thought that since you were going out with your family and friends, you wouldn't have time to do much with him, especially since you guys aren't an official couple yet.

Him taking you out and getting you a present would have been a really nice gesture, but since he's not your SO yet I wouldn't hold it against him.
 
It's new to me, but I've learned that if I'm not assertive and spell out what I want, I won't get it from my bf. Just use this as a learning experience to speak out on your needs. If you want to go out for your birthday, just tell him.
 
I'm glad you got it worked out, but...
LiftedUp said:
This is why I came here because I honestly think I've been talking to too many people about it. I vented to a friend. I vented to his friend's girlfriend whom I'm friends with (I did ask her to keep her mouth shut :look:). But I cannot bring myself to say it to his face. I guess he figured it out and the reason for my mood change.
Click to expand...


I say this with heartfelt sincerity: Please work on the bolded ^^. Passive-aggression (yeah, that's what it was) is a relationship killer. Learn now how to VERBALLY communicate what you expect, want, and need from him. Don't make him figure it out by trial and error, or the relationship will be over before it starts. Trust me.
 
Pat Mahurr said:
I'm glad you got it worked out, but...



I say this with heartfelt sincerity: Please work on the bolded ^^. Passive-aggression (yeah, that's what it was) is a relationship killer. Learn now how to VERBALLY communicate what you expect, want, and need from him. Don't make him figure it out by trial and error, or the relationship will be over before it starts. Trust me.
Click to expand...


I agree. If the relationship is worth anything, then you need to speak up. Some things are just misunderstandings that can be easily resolved. But if they aren't when you talk about you will know and be clear about it.
 
Pat Mahurr said:
I'm glad you got it worked out, but...



I say this with heartfelt sincerity: Please work on the bolded ^^. Passive-aggression (yeah, that's what it was) is a relationship killer. Learn now how to VERBALLY communicate what you expect, want, and need from him. Don't make him figure it out by trial and error, or the relationship will be over before it starts. Trust me.
Click to expand...

I don't mind saying what I feel, expect etc. but I don't like asking people for things with a monetary value attached.

eta: I guess I really have to learn to speak up
 
May I ask why lunch birthday date? Does he have money woes that he is not telling you about? I am thinking he doesn't have money to spend on you and that is why he didn't do anything. Maybe, maybe not, who knows.
 
Bnster said:
May I ask why lunch birthday date? Does he have money woes that he is not telling you about? I am thinking he doesn't have money to spend on you and that is why he didn't do anything. Maybe, maybe not, who knows.
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We both are students so we don't go out on weekdays. I have classes and he works on his thesis. However, he has the money. He works part-time in his field and his lifestyle doesn't match someone who is tight on cash.

I will tell him how I feel tonight and see how it goes. I guess I can't be with someone who I feel doesn't appreciate me in the way I want.
 
So he has some money, I am glad you are going to talk to him. Let his future action speaks for itself to know how he feels he fits into your life. Only 2 dates within the month and almost missed your bday. Don't let him get too comfortable too fast, even with both of your studies. Don't become exclusive too fast, extend it until you are sure.

Good luck!
 
I disagree with Bnster.

You've known him for 2 months and have now been dating for one - if it was HIS birthday at this stage what would you have done for him?

You don't know what money he does or doesn't have. He lives well could be flossing on credit cards or doing well on a budget for now while in school. Here's the other side of the coin - he could very well be digging you a lot but thought it was inappropriate to go "all out" so soon in the relationship.

Your friends and family have known you for years they can wine and dine you for your birthday. A man you've been dating for one month? When both of you are students? Lunch sounds good. Cut the man a break.

BTW Happy Birthday!
 
bklynbornNbred said:
I disagree with Bnster.

You've known him for 2 months and have now been dating for one - if it was HIS birthday at this stage what would you have done for him?

You don't know what money he does or doesn't have. He lives well could be flossing on credit cards or doing well on a budget for now while in school. Here's the other side of the coin - he could very well be digging you a lot but thought it was inappropriate to go "all out" so soon in the relationship.

Your friends and family have known you for years they can wine and dine you for your birthday. A man you've been dating for one month? When both of you are students? Lunch sounds good. Cut the man a break.

BTW Happy Birthday!
Click to expand...

Ditto to all of this.
It is not your place to count his money... Not sure when it will be, but now definitely isn't it. A lunch date sounds great. It isn't the amount of money spent that will dictate how he feels about you... It's what you do, how he treats you on said date.

I would also NOT tell him anything about your being disappointed early on. It's your birthday date-- exhibit happiness, a positive attitude, and some genuine appreciation too! If anything, I would talk about how sweet it is of him to do that, (maybe) how I didn't expect it but am so glad he did because I just loooove it when people treat me for my birthday:lol: basically, let him know he did well and that you appreciate thoughtful gestures so that he can be encouraged to do many more down the line.

It's always bad to try to encourage someone by letting them know they missed the mark:nono: Better to tell them they did great, and let them be motivated to do even better every time.
Good luck and happy birthday!
 
CarLiTa said:
Ditto to all of this.
It is not your place to count his money... Not sure when it will be, but now definitely isn't it. A lunch date sounds great. It isn't the amount of money spent that will dictate how he feels about you... It's what you do, how he treats you on said date.

I would also NOT tell him anything about your being disappointed early on. It's your birthday date-- exhibit happiness, a positive attitude, and some genuine appreciation too! If anything, I would talk about how sweet it is of him to do that, (maybe) how I didn't expect it but am so glad he did because I just loooove it when people treat me for my birthday:lol: basically, let him know he did well and that you appreciate thoughtful gestures so that he can be encouraged to do many more down the line.

It's always bad to try to encourage someone by letting them know they missed the mark:nono: Better to tell them they did great, and let them be motivated to do even better every time.
Good luck and happy birthday!
Click to expand...

I missed the update about the lunch date.

OP is this all really about your birthday? You said this guy has 90% of what you wanted. I understand being disappointed but :ohwell:

Try to have a good time.
 
It's not about the money. It isn't my place to count his money I know that's why I didn't make it about that. Especially since I'm aware of the fact that we both are studying right now.

However, we are pursuing graduate degrees and we are in our late 20s. I would think that dinner at a mid priced restaurant should've at least be considered. It don't think it's that much to ask.

The other 5% is basically he's not 6 feet, things I can overlook given the right man.
 
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