Am I only jumpoff material?

[chickle]

I consider myself very conservative and some what prudish. I mean I usually make guys work for a kiss. I do consider myself picky (I will only date guys I find attractive) but from the get go it seems that all the guys that are extremely attractive that approach me always have girlfriends (I usually find out later). I don't really put my feelings or emotions out there from the beginning because I don't want to get attached and find out that the guy is a jerk or something, but it seems anytime this happens my heart seems to harden so it because more difficult for the next guy to get to know me.

Am I a fool? Its not like the signs are even visible. I mean these guys are chilling with me in public and bringing me around family and friends. The last guy I was dating was very affectionate in public and around his peers.

It's like the attractive ones always end up being the bad boys, which I hate! I am not one of those girls who chase after bad boys. I want a nice guy!

 

[mischka]

I'm kind of missing what makes you think you are a jumpoff. It's not your fault those guys are dogs who already have girlfriends as long as you bounce as soon as you find that out. That whole Kat Williams line of bullsiht about "if you keep attracting blah blah blah" is just another way to deflect the blame off men for being trifling. If I walk out my house and trifling dudes on the street approach me, I did nothing to invite that and I should not be blamed for them being trifling.

 

[chickle]

I really don't know, I guess I am wondering what makes a girl attract men like this? I do leave as soon as I find out, but it just hurts that these guys would look at me knowing that they have a girlfriend and still try to talk to me. Is there a science behind it...do they look at a girl and say "she looks easy". Cuz I know its not easy having more than one girl! I am pretty chill (I let a guy do all the chasing and rarely ever contact) so I am wondering what I am doing?

 

[mischka]

It's not so much you attracting them as those type of guys running up on everything not any one type of woman in particular. Seriously, that whole idea is such a crock. You shouldn't take it personally. The only qualifications you have to have for that type of guy is existing. When it's not you, it's another girl, and she didn't ask for it either.

It would be different if these were the type of guys you consistently found yourself in a relationship with, then you would have some accountability for the issue. But you're going to blame yourself for crap dudes running up on you? Come on. You have no control over that.

Seriously. The Katt Williams school of thought IS A CROCK.

 

[Skyfall]

I think your young like me right? I'm 21 and honestly it's hard finding a guy in our age group that's decent and wants to do right by you from the jump. You aren't doing anything wrong.

 

[Myjourney2009]

I consider myself very conservative and some what prudish. I mean I usually make guys work for a kiss. I do consider myself picky (I will only date guys I find attractive) but from the get go it seems that all the guys that are extremely attractive that approach me always have girlfriends (I usually find out later). I don't really put my feelings or emotions out there from the beginning because I don't want to get attached and find out that the guy is a jerk or something, but it seems anytime this happens my heart seems to harden so it because more difficult for the next guy to get to know me.

Am I a fool? Its not like the signs are even visible. I mean these guys are chilling with me in public and bringing me around family and friends. The last guy I was dating was very affectionate in public and around his peers.

It's like the attractive ones always end up being the bad boys, which I hate! I am not one of those girls who chase after bad boys. I want a nice guy!

For starters stop beating yourself up. You are dating and you may want a boyfriend but that comes with time after getting to know a man. It may not even happen within the first 3 months of dating.

Attractive does not equal to badboy. There are PLENTY of very attractive men out there that are not jackasses.

Try to look at what you are doing as dating until you find the one.

Oh, you should be making a man work for a kiss every man should not be deserving. It has nothing to be with being prudish. Kissing makes people feel closer.

I am going to tell you this situation I had. I was in a just friends with benefits with a man in my late teens and we NEVER kissed. It was different but I was cool with it after a while. It helped me to see the relationship for what it was and I never got attached.


It does not make you picky just because you like dating attractive men. You have a preference.

How about looking at these jerks for what they are, jerks. Its not you its them.

 

[Aveena]

you wrote:

I don't really put my feelings or emotions out there from the beginning because I don't want to get attached and find out that the guy is a jerk or something, but it seems anytime this happens my heart seems to harden so it because more difficult for the next guy to get to know me.

Please just be yourself. You obviously proved that "trying" to close off your feelings does not work.

Don't close yourself off... just learn to get the information you need quicker (if that makes you feel better) rather than have it unfold haphazardly.

 

[carcajada]

Besides looks, what else do they seem to have in common? It could be that you're entertaining certain men who approach you over other men.

 

[lushcoils]

I noticed creeper/loser guys are more likely to approach women than quality guys because they have nothing to lose. Good guys are more likely to sit back and observe than make advances.

I don't believe the you are what you attract statement either. Everyone attracts losers and creepers.

 

[chickle]

I think your young like me right? I'm 21 and honestly it's hard finding a guy in our age group that's decent and wants to do right by you from the jump. You aren't doing anything wrong.

Yes I am 20 years old, and it doesnt help that I live in Atlanta either!

you wrote:



Please just be yourself. You obviously proved that "trying" to close off your feelings does not work.

Don't close yourself off... just learn to get the information you need quicker (if that makes you feel better) rather than have it unfold haphazardly.

I know but it is just so hard to be myself because I am somewhat reserved until I get to know somebody and with my past experiences its become harder and harder to let go. I do agree that I need to start getting the info I need from the start!

Besides looks, what else do they seem to have in common? It could be that you're entertaining certain men who approach you over other men.

Well the only thing that these men have in common is that they are dark chocolate tall and speak properly and are in college...Personality wise I can't rly see any similarities other than the fact that they text more often than they call.

 

[chickle]

For starters stop beating yourself up. You are dating and you may want a boyfriend but that comes with time after getting to know a man. It may not even happen within the first 3 months of dating.

Attractive does not equal to badboy. There are PLENTY of very attractive men out there that are not jackasses.

Try to look at what you are doing as dating until you find the one.

Oh, you should be making a man work for a kiss every man should not be deserving. It has nothing to be with being prudish. Kissing makes people feel closer.

I am going to tell you this situation I had. I was in a just friends with benefits with a man in my late teens and we NEVER kissed. It was different but I was cool with it after a while. It helped me to see the relationship for what it was and I never got attached.


It does not make you picky just because you like dating attractive men. You have a preference.

How about looking at these jerks for what they are, jerks. Its not you its them.

I would rather be single than hurt! I am the type that doesnt like to rush things. The guy I was recently seeing wanted me to be his girlfriend after 2 weeks of knowing him, thats when the red flags went off!

 

[chickle]

It's not so much you attracting them as those type of guys running up on everything not any one type of woman in particular. Seriously, that whole idea is such a crock. You shouldn't take it personally. The only qualifications you have to have for that type of guy is existing. When it's not you, it's another girl, and she didn't ask for it either.

It would be different if these were the type of guys you consistently found yourself in a relationship with, then you would have some accountability for the issue. But you're going to blame yourself for crap dudes running up on you? Come on. You have no control over that.

Seriously. The Katt Williams school of thought IS A CROCK.

This could be it, I don't usually approach guys, so most of my dating is when guys approach me. In a perfect world I would be friends and we would fall in love, this dating thing is so awkward sometimes!

The last guy didnt seem like the type that approached girls too often, he had a lot of girls who approached him though. All my friends had a crush on him because he is very charming.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I don't think it's you, OP. Plus, isn't a jump-off, by definition, a woman who deliberately connects with attached men? That doesn't sound like you . . . .

Oh and re: this . . .

I do consider myself picky (I will only date guys I find attractive) but from the get go it seems that all the guys that are extremely attractive that approach me always have girlfriends (I usually find out later).

I know this is horrible of me to say but that's why I discriminate against guys who are too good looking

 

[Skyfall]

Yes I am 20 years old, and it doesnt help that I live in Atlanta either!

Me too girly! But I'm determined to end this sufferation.

 

[Kerryann]

Girl u r young and i guarantee u have a lot more junk to come your way lmao...im going to be 31 god spare my life this year but the amount of fools that approach me on a regular basis its unbelievable and get this they dont just have a gf they have a wife and thats about 90% of them

relax u need to just enjoy life and date until u find the right one and dont be quick to call anyone ur boyfriend u r still young

 

[RocStar]

Ok, like others have said, you shouldn't blame yourself. There are many men who are going to try to get over or date as many people as they can and it doesn't really have anything to do with the girls.

However, you may want to take a look at your previous situations to see if there is anything in you that makes you consistently fall for or believe the lies/stories that these "committed" (and I use that term loosely) men say to you. I tend to think if the same thing or situation keeps occurring, it may not be coincidence.

Am I a fool? Its not like the signs are even visible. I mean these guys are chilling with me in public and bringing me around family and friends. The last guy I was dating was very affectionate in public and around his peers.

It's like the attractive ones always end up being the bad boys, which I hate! I am not one of those girls who chase after bad boys. I want a nice guy!

It has taken me years to realize, but most of the time there are signs (not all the time, but most of the time). I ask lots of questions, check for consistency in answers, talk about how I kill MFers who are trying to holla at me when they have wives/girlfriends, ask about past relationships, how/why they ended, etc. This is not something I do until I think there may be a potential for a long time relationship.

How do you find out later that they have girlfriends?

 

[chickle]

Ok, like others have said, you shouldn't blame yourself. There are many men who are going to try to get over or date as many people as they can and it doesn't really have anything to do with the girls.

However, you may want to take a look at your previous situations to see if there is anything in you that makes you consistently fall for or believe the lies/stories that these "committed" (and I use that term loosely) men say to you. I tend to think if the same thing or situation keeps occurring, it may not be coincidence.



It has taken me years to realize, but most of the time there are signs (not all the time, but most of the time). I ask lots of questions, check for consistency in answers, talk about how I kill MFers who are trying to holla at me when they have wives/girlfriends, ask about past relationships, how/why they ended, etc. This is not something I do until I think there may be a potential for a long time relationship.

How do you find out later that they have girlfriends?

I found out through facebook for one dude and the other I found out through a mutual friend. In the other situation (which I don't rly consider a situation because I wouldnt even entertain the foolishness) the guy was dating an acquaintance of mine while always begging me to go on dates with him.

 

[chickle]

I don't think it's you, OP. Plus, isn't a jump-off, by definition, a woman who deliberately connects with attached men? That doesn't sound like you . . . .

Oh and re: this . . .



I know this is horrible of me to say but that's why I discriminate against guys who are too good looking

Its sad to say but these men are conditioning me to be scared of good-looking men!

And yeah I realized word jumpoff is a little over the top. Im not "exchanging" anything with these men. Just my time, which is just as bad to me though

 

[knt1229]

Is it possible that these guys are just dating these girls and not involved in exclusive relationships with them? It's odd that they were taking you around their friends and families and showing affection toward you in public if they had serious girlfriends.

At any rate, I think that some men like chasing women and will approach as many woman as they can. I don't think it's anything you are doing. Actually, you seem to be doing it right by walking as soon as you find out the guys are with someone else. Keep dating and don't let this get you down. Eventually, the right one will come along.

 

[mstrublvr]

OP, thank you for posting this question and opening the dialogue. I also thank the women on here for kicking the Katt Williams logic to the curb. I was beating myself up about this last night too and I am way older than you. What I resolved, like someone said, is working on getting to truth sooner than later. Also to really work on battling the hardened heart. It's not us, its them. For whatever messed up reason, being in a relationship no longer keeps some guys in their lane. It's coming out more and more that relationship for some doesn't mean what it used to. Oh and average looking guys do it too. And as I said, I am older (40 in August)...so its not just a 20something issue. There are a bunch of older dudes still chasing tail... smdh...

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[southerncitygirl]

I don't think it's you, OP. Plus, isn't a jump-off, by definition, a woman who deliberately connects with attached men? That doesn't sound like you . . . .

Oh and re: this . . .



I know this is horrible of me to say but that's why I discriminate against guys who are too good looking

@glibgirl
i discriminate against men that are facially and bodily challenged.....no men have given me the grief that ugly ones have. they tend to attract lots women (especially attractive ones) cause they think just like you and just when you think everything is cool, drama ensues. they also have the nerve to be cocky,imo.

 

[MzLady78]

I feel you OP. I went through this weird period where ALL the guys who approached me were married. It made me wonder if I was unknowingly giving off some "willing to be the mistress" vibe. But ultimately I realized that there probably wasn't something special about me what made them want to suddenly step out on their wives, they probably had a history of doing so.

I think a lot of times these men just throw the bait out there and see who bites.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I feel you OP. I went through this weird period where ALL the guys who approached me were married. It made me wonder if I was unknowingly giving off some "willing to be the mistress" vibe. But ultimately I realized that there probably wasn't something special about me what made them want to suddenly step out on their wives, they probably had a history of doing so.

I think a lot of times these men just throw the bait out there and see who bites.

This is very true. With guys its a numbers game. Its not about you or a jump off vibe you are giving off. You are very young and the gutd you are dating are more than likely not serious about you or anyone else.


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[chebaby]

I consider myself very conservative and some what prudish. I mean I usually make guys work for a kiss. I do consider myself picky (I will only date guys I find attractive) but from the get go it seems that all the guys that are extremely attractive that approach me always have girlfriends (I usually find out later). I don't really put my feelings or emotions out there from the beginning because I don't want to get attached and find out that the guy is a jerk or something, but it seems anytime this happens my heart seems to harden so it because more difficult for the next guy to get to know me.

Am I a fool? Its not like the signs are even visible. I mean these guys are chilling with me in public and bringing me around family and friends. The last guy I was dating was very affectionate in public and around his peers.

It's like the attractive ones always end up being the bad boys, which I hate! I am not one of those girls who chase after bad boys. I want a nice guy!

i was in the same boat. im quiet, always been called a prude, and carry myself in a classy way.
i noticed all the guys tha i was interested in or who was interested in me were in relationships (of course i didnt know until later)and seemed to only want one thing.
one guy who started out like this, he and i became friends so one day i asked him why men seemed to only want me for certain things when i am a "good girl". i dont carry myself like a hoe or jump off so why would men see me as that.
his exact words were "what makes you think a man wants a hoe for a jump off? we want a nice good girl on the side just like we want a good girl for our wife
it opened my eyes though. some men are just nasty.

 

[mstrublvr]

one guy who started out like this, he and i became friends so one day i asked him why men seemed to only want me for certain things when i am a "good girl". i dont carry myself like a hoe or jump off so why would men see me as that.
his exact words were "what makes you think a man wants a hoe for a jump off? we want a nice good girl on the side just like we want a good girl for our wife
it opened my eyes though. some men are just nasty.

This makes so much sense! I carry myself respectfully as well and wondered the same. Honestly, this why women need brothers and male friends who are willing to tell us the truth.

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[aribell]

i dont carry myself like a hoe or jump off so why would men see me as that.
his exact words were "what makes you think a man wants a hoe for a jump off? we want a nice good girl on the side just like we want a good girl for our wife

Gosh, this is one of those things that is really worth thinking about. Op, I would hate for you to internalize this because you know how you carry yourself, you know what your standards are, so I really hope that this doesn't change your perception of yourself. Like the above quote says, an attractive woman is an attractive woman, period. Sluttiness is not attractive. The difference between you and these men's SOs is that they met you after they already committed to their SOs and yet still want more of a good thing than they're entitled to. Classic "having your cake and eating it too" mentality.

No one else can determine what type of "material" you're made of. What you accept is going to determine how things play out.

 

[Glib Gurl]

@glibgirl
i discriminate against men that are facially and bodily challenged.....no men have given me the grief that ugly ones have. they tend to attract lots women (especially attractive ones) cause they think just like you and just when you think everything is cool, drama ensues. they also have the nerve to be cocky,imo.

Wow. That is a shame. Thanks for the tip, though.

Ugh. We can't win can we ladies!

 

[MissJ]

I have been feeling some kind of way about this topic, too, in my own life, so I can totally relate to what the OP is feeling.

 

[halee_J]

@glibgirl
i discriminate against men that are facially and bodily challenged.....no men have given me the grief that ugly ones have. they tend to attract lots women (especially attractive ones) cause they think just like you and just when you think everything is cool, drama ensues. they also have the nerve to be cocky,imo.

I learned this as well. Many of times, there's no easy, immediate, visual way to detect bull$h!t e.g based on looks. Alot of these frogs look/talk a good game, that's how they reel you in you have to get really good at sniffing it out quickly, reading the signs notice the behavior, look for consistency with what he says

Chickle it's not you, these guys wanted to stray or date multiples anyway, you just happened to cross paths with them We've all come across frogs like them at some point in our lives.

 

[hothair]

It doesn't really sound like a problem on your end. Maybe you should try being friends first for a while so you stand a better chance about finding out their backgrounds before 'dating" etc