Am I failing to submit to dh with my dress sense?- Long post

[Uber]

I need your advice on an issue.

When I met dh he told me almost immediately that he did not like spaghetti straps on women.

I love spaghetti straps esp in the summer and on dresses because with my broad shoulders and small breasts I feel this style complements my figure. Anyway he's never really said much about it mainly because there are some styles that are too risque that I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing infront of church folk so I steer clear from them.

However recently in the last year or 2 I feel have been limited in what I wear because in the UK most of the high street fashion consists of very short skirts/dresses. At christmas I decided not to care anymore and bought a few dresses above the knee. He didn't say anything but I knew he was not happy. I recently bought a maxi dress with a plunging neck and back line. He again did not say anything and even bought the body tape for me to keep the dress on securely. I love this dress. Its so me
.

Anyway I was "watching" another summer maxi dress with a plunging neckline on his ebay account. And he saw it and started complaining about how he has told me before about this style showing too much skin and how I'm gonna have to buy tape to keep it up and how I won't listen to him. And although I brushed off his comments and more or less said I'm a do what I want, I almost feel as though I am not submitting to him and also sad at the prospect of going back to the "boring" styles of dresses I've put up with for a while.

Ps none of these dresses are promiscuous imo and I never show cleavage, I haven't got any anyway.

What do you think ladies? Am I failing to submit to my hubby?

 

[Triniwegian]

Even if you're married you are your own person and you decide what you feel comfortable in. As long it is not inappropriate you should dress however you like.
Does he comment on anything else other than your clothes i.e. hair, make-up, weight etc?

 

[Uber]

Even if you're married you are your own person and you decide what you feel comfortable in. As long it is not inappropriate you should dress however you like.
Does he comment on anything else other than your clothes i.e. hair, make-up, weight etc?

Nope. Always compliments me and tells me I'm beautiful, and no, my dressing is not inappropriate.

@ the bolded -this is how I feel. And even though I am married and believe in my dh being the head of our home I don't want to be a dummy either.

God means everything to me and if I am in danger of disobeying his word in the area of submission I want to know.

 

[Triniwegian]

I was only asking to see if there were a read thread in his view on you appearance.
Reading your post again, it seems like he is just worried about you accidentally
exposing yourself. He offered you tape to make sure the dress sits properly, which is a nice gesture IMO. Did he ever say that you could not wear it?

 

[Laela]

Hi Bess,

The fact that you're asking indicates you may already know the answer to this one. What one man may consider appropriate, another may not, and this really is an issue only you and DH can come to an agreement on.

The thing is, once married you two are now one and so, you really aren't your "own person" anymore and you are to be on one accord about everything, even on how you dress. MY DH doesn't care for me to show too much skin either, because he doesn't like men gawking at my cleavage. I don't believe this has anything to do with his feeling secure, as much as my being sensitive to his feelings. I used to talk a lot smack when I was single, until I got married.

It's the little things in ANY relationship that will make/break it. A woman who is submissive to God will have no problem submitting to her husband. She knows it's not a "control thing".

There was a wonderful thread on this very subject that I hope will help you more. mrselle's response was on point, IMHO:

ETA: Asuperwoman's response is great, too!!
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=313339

 

[LatterGlory]

_________________________

1Co 7:34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

 

[Guitarhero]

Ps none of these dresses are promiscuous imo and I never show cleavage, I haven't got any anyway.

What do you think ladies? Am I failing to submit to my hubby?

I think that few people actually know the context of submission in the bible. And we have to realize that it addresses all societies for all times. You are not his child. It doesn't mean that you should ignore his suggestions as part of a couple but it should be discussed between the two of you. I don't think you've discussed this in depth to arrive at something that is viable for both of you. Submission doesn't mean "whatever he says, that's that." It involves respect, mutual respect. I'd talk to him about it. Hugs.

 

[soulie]

When you met he said he didn't like spaghetti straps on women. Didn't like them, or found them inappropriate? The reason I ask is my DH doesn't like them on most women either -- but it's because of poor fit, he doesn't like the look where they are cutting into the shoulders and dividing the fat.

Perhaps a compromise would be wearing the dress but with a lightweight shrug or bolero?

 

[nathansgirl1908]

This is somewhat tough.

On one hand, I think that husbands and wives should be open to what the other spouse says about issues like this. If I were married, I would be upset if I felt that my husband did not care about my feelings on this issue.

It sounds like your husband likes for women to be more modest in their approach to dressing. I can't say that is a bad thing. And a plunging neckline and back is not necessarily modest. I know you say it is not inappropriate, but that really is a subjective thing. He may see it as such.

I think that you should really have a serious talk about this. This could drive an unwanted wedge between you two when it really isn't worth it.

 

[runwaydream]

if i was him i'd be pissed off too. he told you right away he didnt like that type of dress on women. he did his part, you should've done yours by saying right off the bat that you will dress like that whether he likes it or not, that way he couldve made the decision as to whether or not to marry a woman who would dress in a way that he didn't like.

i also agree w. the PP who asked how you would feel if you expressed the fact that you didn't like something he did and he just said "oh well, imma do it anyway." that doesn't make for a very happy marriage.

 

[Uber]

@ Theo, he has made me take a top back to the shop once and he has told me not to buy a dress. I thought it was a nice gesture too with the body tape he even helped me put it on but I didn't realise it bothered him. I suppose I thought the dress wasn't so bad since it was sooooo long.

@Vicky very true

@Laela, Mrselle's advice ws sound, thank you

@Natchitoches. You know my husband has said the same thing in regards to another issue in another couples relationship re: not being the husband's child etcetc. That was part of the reason I decided to do what I want.

@Soulie, when he first mentioned the strap thing we were at a party and he pointed out a women whose straps were cutting into her fat and it looked awful. At first I thought he didn't like the poor fit but it seems he meant that style in general. I may mention this to him.

@Nathansgirl. Yep I don't want a wedge. I may have to reconsider things and as Soulie says, go for the bolero idea. I'll have a chat to him so I can really figure out what his thoughts are and so we can compromise. Communication is key.


@ runwaydream. Thanks for being to the point and posing that question again I appreciate that. You're so right


This is the first time I have spoken about anything in my marriage. You ladies have helped me a lot. Thanks v much

 

[CoilyFields]

If your husband does not like something you wear (And I mean a style of dress or something he feels is inappropriate rather than not his favorite item) then find another dress! Its that simple. We are supposed to put our spouses desires above our own-both do this, not just the wife. There are TONS of dresses in the world...Im sure that particular style is not the only one that is flattering and fashionable on you. Find another dress sis.

 

[dlewis]

I would not wear it. If he's that uncomfortable with it, to me, it's not worth him being that unhappy.

 

[Guitarhero]

To me, the dress issue is the least of the trouble. Whenever one party feels he can demand that another do something, like take a garment back to the store or raise a fit because he didn't get his way, there is something deeper going on. No woman should have to live with a tyrant. No man, either. Slapping a bible scripture out of context ain't gonna fix it. I dream for the day when women realize that they are their own persons. That should be from jumpstreet in any relationship. From there, couples set boundaries TOGETHER.

 

[dlewis]

I agree Nat. But I'm wondering what else could the man have done. He tells you in the beginning what he does not like and you go out and get the very thing he doesn't like.

If it's a give and take relationship I don't see why she can't submit in this area. Im taking that he is willing to submit in areas she feels strongly about?

 

[Guitarhero]

I agree Nat. But I'm wondering what else could the man have done. He tells you in the beginning what he does not like and you go out and get the very thing he doesn't like.

If it's a give and take relationship I don't see why she can't submit in this area. Im taking that he is willing to submit in areas she feels strongly about?

Yeah, I thought about that but you know how it is when folks are in lub. They let words slide. That whole thing of submission is b.s. imho because it's so overused worldwide and we all know the horrid results in many cases. If a man would submit to God first, he might be more balanced and confident in himself to see that there's nothing actually wrong with his wife's attire. She said it's not immodest. So, a man in submission to God is leading his family to Christ...not dragging them along, not turning them away with selfishness and insecurities. Maybe submission is only truly meant to relate to keeping on God's side? She submits and the children after her to her husband's lead to honor God. That's always been my "issue." I just see things differently. Us humans....eh.

I guess the thing is to talk about it. But if she pushes it under the carpet and just does what he says, she is losing her life in little bits and the boundaries are not just a dress. They seriously need to talk about the deeper issues. Women can cave in all day long and in the end, they become invisible.

 

[dlewis]

Yeah, I thought about that but you know how it is when folks are in lub. They let words slide. That whole thing of submission is b.s. imho because it's so overused worldwide and we all know the horrid results in many cases. If a man would submit to God first, he might be more balanced and confident in himself to see that there's nothing actually wrong with his wife's attire. She said it's not immodest. So, a man in submission to God is leading his family to Christ...not dragging them along, not turning them away with selfishness and insecurities. Maybe submission is only truly meant to relate to keeping on God's side? She submits and the children after her to her husband's lead to honor God. That's always been my "issue." I just see things differently. Us humans....eh.

I guess the thing is to talk about it. But if she pushes it under the carpet and just does what he says, she is losing her life in little bits and the boundaries are not just a dress. They seriously need to talk about the deeper issues. Women can cave in all day long and in the end, they become invisible.

I agree, they should talk about it. It may not be that he's insecure IMO, he may just not find that way of dressing attractive.

I don't like seeing men IRL without a shirt on. I don't think it's appropriate so my husband doesn't do that (or rarely does that). I didn't have to tell him that he knew by how I talked about other men during our friendship and dating period.

I don't let men kiss on me. You know the friendly kiss, I haven't seen you in a long time type kiss on the cheek. My husband doesn't like it so I don't allow men to do that to me. If they do kiss me and jokingly say "oh, my husband doesn't like that", to let them know don't do it again.

The submit issue is tricky. We don't use the word submit in our home. But we understand that we need to submit to eachother. We are one, his body is for my enjoyment and mine for his.

After rereading the OP I still don't see anything wrong with what Mr. Bess did. He should have addressed the issue when it came up the first time. But we all know men, most men are not talkative. I can mention something to my husband and he'll say "Yea, we already talked about that." And I'm thinking "yes, but that was 13 years agoerplexed". I feel like I need to talk about it again and he's fine with what he said all those years ago.erplexed

 

[Laela]

The word "submit" is what some don't like, but it's a word in the Bible. Maybe "yield" would suit someone else's palate better.
Like some wives don't care for the word "obey"....

@ the bolded, I believe he did address it, from the beginning. Perhaps that's just something they didn't think too important an issue to talk out before they married? OP please correct me if I'm wrong.

I need your advice on an issue.

When I met dh he told me almost immediately that he did not like spaghetti straps on women.

The submit issue is tricky. We don't use the word submit in our home. But we understand that we need to submit to eachother. We are one, his body is for my enjoyment and mine for his.

After rereading the OP I still don't see anything wrong with what Mr. Bess did. He should have addressed the issue when it came up the first time. But we all know men, most men are not talkative. I can mention something to my husband and he'll say "Yea, we already talked about that." And I'm thinking "yes, but that was 13 years agoerplexed". I feel like I need to talk about it again and he's fine with what he said all those years ago.erplexed

ITA, my body is for my DH's enjoyment and his for mine. If I think it's tacky for him to go around shirtless in public - well, except for the beach.... he'll respect my feelings and not do that. There give/take and sometimes we don't see eye to eye on some issues and that's when we have to sit down and talk to come to terms. If it's always what HE wants and not what I want, then that's not much of a marriage...

 

[dlewis]

The word "submit" is what some don't like, but it's a word in the Bible. Maybe "yield" would suit someone else's palate better.
Like some wives don't care for the word "obey"....

@ the bolded, I believe he did address it, from the beginning. Perhaps that's just something they didn't think too important an issue to talk out before they married? OP please correct me if I'm wrong.







ITA, my body is for my DH's enjoyment and his for mine. If I think it's tacky for him to go around shirtless in public - well, except for the beach.... he'll respect my feelings and not do that. There give/take and sometimes we don't see eye to eye on some issues and that's when we have to sit down and talk to come to terms. If it's always what HE wants and not what I want, then that's not much of a marriage...

I agree. I would like to know what you decide to do Bess.

I have an issue I'm dealing with. Where my husband decided it's best that we not do something that I really really wanted to do. I know what he's saying is true and the right way to go. So I'm a little irritated (not irritate but straight out mad) with him, even though I know he's doing what's right. I just want to have my way. Im praying about that and I do feel alittle better.

To me this issue with clothes would not be an issue I wold want to fight about. I have a several occassions not worn something, changed my clothes and returned something my husband strongly disliked. He has been in agreement with me on issues he felt where not worth fighting over. One of us normally caves in if it's an issue the other feels strongly about. Now the problems come in when we both feel strongly about something and no one is willing to compromise.

I guess it boils down to if this issue is this important to you?

 

[LatterGlory]

________________

 

[Guitarhero]

No one is saying cave in all day long... just choose your battles.

That actually relieves me much. But I know women who believe in the cave-in. But isn't how one looks part of one's self-identity? See, when you look at it over a time span of years, the man is basically the same and the woman has lost a lot of who she was in the beginning of the relationship. That's all I'm saying. I guess the lesson is to listen very well before tying the knot. Believe me, I'm listening very well this time around

 

[Uber]

So i spoke to dh and he said that the reason he got upset when he saw the dress that I was watching on ebay was because he thought "here we go again. I 'll have to be helping you put body tape on this dress and why do you have to buy a dress that needs body tape?"

So I said, well apart from the fact that I did not feel that the dress was inappropriate I thought it better to use the body tape than to go out and bend over and everyone see my brastrap at the back. I said I would have just have pinned it up but I saw another women whose top appeared to be defying gravity and it was how I got the idea about the tape. I reminded him of a lady i had pointed out in church the other week who had a low back top who kept bending over and her bra strap was showing. Unfortunately for her it wasn't very clean either. I said the tape was more dignified than that.

Anyway, i also mentioned about the fact i wear a lot of vest tops and my above the knee dress and asked whether he thought they were in appropriate and he said that he did not. He said he would tell me if they were. He can't even remember the incident with the other top I took back to the shop. Thinking about it I am not sure he asked me to send it back or I just took it back because he didn't like the neckline. Although the reaction then contradicts his reaction this time

Anyway, he doesn't seem to be that bothered as I thought. He says if he doesn't say anything about what I am wearing that means he doesn't mind. He just thought this body tape stuff was a big issue. I reminded him it looked better than using a safety pin.

I must say I feel at ease. If I hadn't taken the advice from everyone I would have been carrying this around and would not have thought to talk to dh or even pray about the situation.

thanks again


I did read these articles though which some of you may find interesting


http://www.christiansdressingmodestly.com/

http://bpnews.net/printerfriendly.asp?ID=14406

http://www.neednotfret.com/content/blogcategory/47/65

 

[dlewis]

I'm glad you two are ok with it now.

 

[momi]

Some useful advice has been shared in this post.

I think the bigger question here is - as a Christian woman, do you believe your choice of attire is fitting for a Godly woman? Is it bringing attention to your body or your heart? God has really been dealing with me in this area. I was never a provocative dresser, but lately I have been getting checked when I get dressed. Dresses that were worn last summer had to go to Goodwill this year. I believe part of the reason for this is that I am getting older and things that appealed to me in my 20's just arent appropriate, and also certain things bring too much attention to "certain parts" of my body.

 

[Uber]

^^ You know, after I read those articles I posted I see things a little different. Some men see the tiniest bit of flesh and they go delirious.
I don't want to cause any man to sin.


Sometimes I think to myself if I had to go on the pulpit would I wear that? I suspect you can guess what my answer would be on some occasions. I should take that as a warning signal. Evidently the spirit is doing a work somewhere.

 

[Laela]

Thank you for that post, momi and I do believe that really is the bigger picture, how I relate to God first. Adjusting one's wardrobe is definitely a sign of inner spiritual growth... since we are to change from the inside out.

Some useful advice has been shared in this post.

I think the bigger question here is - as a Christian woman, do you believe your choice of attire is fitting for a Godly woman? Is it bringing attention to your body or your heart? God has really been dealing with me in this area. I was never a provocative dresser, but lately I have been getting checked when I get dressed. Dresses that were worn last summer had to go to Goodwill this year. I believe part of the reason for this is that I am getting older and things that appealed to me in my 20's just arent appropriate, and also certain things bring too much attention to "certain parts" of my body.

 

[dicapr]

^^ You know, after I read those articles I posted I see things a little different. Some men see the tiniest bit of flesh and they go delirious.
I don't want to cause any man to sin.


Sometimes I think to myself if I had to go on the pulpit would I wear that? I suspect you can guess what my answer would be on some occasions. I should take that as a warning signal. Evidently the spirit is doing a work somewhere.

Why are women always worried about causing a man to sin by showing some skin. A man who is constantly on the edge lust by any flash of flesh has a deeper and more spiritual problem to work on. No amount of covering up will help that. I dress to please God, not to prevent a man from sinning. God knows my intentions and how I carry myself. I am not walking around covered from head to toe in hopes that someone will not lust after me. A lustful person will find something to lust after and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

 

[momi]

Why are women always worried about causing a man to sin by showing some skin. A man who is constantly on the edge lust by any flash of flesh has a deeper and more spiritual problem to work on. No amount of covering up will help that. I dress to please God, not to prevent a man from sinning. God knows my intentions and how I carry myself. I am not walking around covered from head to toe in hopes that someone will not lust after me. A lustful person will find something to lust after and there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

If you(we) are dressing to please God, then we won't have to worry about whether or not what we wear causes a man to lust. We are advised in the word (1 Corinth 10) not to cause anyone to stumble. We know that men are generally more visually stimulated than women, yet many of us continue to dress in ways that make it harder for them. If we were honest... we would admit exactly to what we were doing. I know I did... I know exactly what to wear and how to "work it" to get male attention. I feel sorry for men who are really trying to live holy... it is rough out there for them. Give a brother a break...

 

[dicapr]

If you(we) are dressing to please God, then we won't have to worry about whether or not what we wear causes a man to lust. We are advised in the word (1 Corinth 10) not to cause anyone to stumble. We know that men are generally more visually stimulated than women, yet many of us continue to dress in ways that make it harder for them. If we were honest... we would admit exactly to what we were doing. I know I did... I know exactly what to wear and how to "work it" to get male attention. I feel sorry for men who are really trying to live holy... it is rough out there for them. Give a brother a break...

Just because your intentions were not Godly, doesn't mean mine aren't. I am just asking that a brother give a sister a break. I have enough of my own spiritual struggles and issues than to have to be responsible for. Brothers, worrying about your lustful nature is a burden that you should not place on me. God is able to give christian men peace and a pure heart toward women. Instead of praying for this they ask me to cover up more. While I do not purposely dress to cause someone to fall, their problems of lust and living in a community (even in the church) that views women as sex object does not come into play when I pick out a top, skirt, or pair of pants. My only concern is if this is acceptable before God. It is a freeing place to be.

 

[momi]

Just because your intentions were not Godly, doesn't mean mine aren't. I am just asking that a brother give a sister a break. I have enough of my own spiritual struggles and issues than to have to be responsible for. Brothers, worrying about your lustful nature is a burden that you should not place on me. God is able to give christian men peace and a pure heart toward women. Instead of praying for this they ask me to cover up more. While I do not purposely dress to cause someone to fall, their problems of lust and living in a community (even in the church) that views women as sex object does not come into play when I pick out a top, skirt, or pair of pants. My only concern is if this is acceptable before God. It is a freeing place to be.

For the record, I was not speaking of myself necessarily. or you for that matter, it was just a general statement.

I agree, our only concern should be what is acceptable before God.

I just disagree with the idea that we should not also be concerned about our brothers or sisters for that matter. This goes so much further than attire, it is our actions as well. I have also witnessed women with a flirtatious spirit use this same reasoning. "I am just being me, I can't help it if he is attracted... only God can judge me" etc...

Are you married? I even consider how I dress when in the company of my husband's friends. How would I look going out to dinner with skin tight jeans and then blaming his friend if he is caught looking. Yeah, should be able to resist, but why even put him through that? I have a teenage son and Lord knows he is still a work in progress. So are our men supposed to come to worship and have to spend the first 45 minutes attempting to get the picture of our rear ends out of their heads, or spend that time praying and drawing closer to God? Yeah.... give the brothers a break.

I realize that I am wayyyy off the op's question, but this subject is near to my heart so thanks for indulging me.