Am I being unreasonable? Female friend issue..

[WaterMoccasin]

Ok, so I'm in a serious relationship with a guy who's currently in another state completing his studies (he moved away some months ago). We talk to each other every day, things have been going well so far (even though neither of us are too keen on long-distance relationships) but he's having a bit of a rough time being away from his old network of friends and family and talks quite often with his best friend (male), family members and me of course.

Before he went away, I met a female friend of his and I got the vibe that she liked him beyond friendship. I dismissed it initially because he clearly wasn't into her and she was not only unattractive (he places some value on looks) but an older woman. However, I found out she's actually the same age as him and me, and only looks about ten years older. He and I have gone out with her (and her sister) since and I got the same vibe then too, even stronger- that she's into him. However, I also got the vibe that she accepts he doesn't see her that way and at least wants to maintain a friendship so I dismissed her as harmless for the most part.

Whenever SO comes to town, he and I spend lots of time together and we spend time with his male best friend and with his family. I'm not always available so he would spend time with them alone and he would also make it a point to see this female friend. My problem isn't really with this (even though out of all his other friends, male and female, he only makes sure to see her and they're all supposedly on the same level of friendship), it's that she calls him quite often when he's away, as in every week (he has told me this). In fact, she told me once that she was gonna myspace me to ask about him once when she hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks.

I've started resenting what feels like a constant intrusion because I know she likes him underneath (he has even agreed with me, telling me he had always suspected the same when I first told him my suspicions), and I feel that for someone that's not a family member, a best friend, or his woman, the frequent calling is quite inappropriate. Am I being unreasonable?

I haven't told him I have a problem with it because that's his business in a way and I know how he is when it comes to being social and enjoying feeling connected to everybody, but at the same time, I have a gut dislike for her actions because she's trying to keep herself a little too present.

 

[drasgrl]

Something similar happened to me a few years ago. My man was in another country going to to school. He befriended one of his classmates. He would tell me stuff they did and she bought him stuff.

I told him she liked him but he didn't see it at first. He told her about me and showed her my picture and she talked junk about my picture (jealous) and told him that we'd never work. I trust my man so I really wasn't worried at all. Ha. Proved her wrong we're still together four years later.

You know your man, you should trust him until he gives you a reason not to. She's calling him every week if it was the other way around I might think otherwise. If she poses no real threat don't even consider it. Maybe you could try and hook her up with someone to take her mind of your man.

 

[WaterMoccasin]

You know your man, you should trust him until he gives you a reason not to. She's calling him every week if it was the other way around I might think otherwise. If she poses no real threat don't even consider it. Maybe you could try and hook her up with someone to take her mind of your man.

Lol! Girl you're right- she poses no real threat and I have no reason to not trust him. Honestly, I feel this way because of a leftover thing from a previous relationship- man, some serious female friend issues in that one! So now this kind of takes me back to that place; whenever a girl tries to stake some kind claim on my man I get uneasy and want to put her in her place hehe...

Thanks for responding.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I agree. I wouldn't really worry about anything just yet. Plus, he's out of town, it's not like he and this girl are in the same area together away from you. And if she likes him...so what?? It happens in male-female relationships. As long as she's not disrespecting you I don't think you have anything to worry about. If she's telling you that she wants his contact info, or if she's willing to go out with you guys together, then I wouldn't worry about anything really. I'd worry more about the girls that don't want anything to do with the girl-friend. lol*

At least your bf is telling you about how she calls him, and what they do, etc. I'd actually be MORE concerned if he wasn't telling you what she was doing. That would mean that he was hiding something. But if he's openly telling you that they keep in touch every once in a while, or that he's going to go visit her, then I really wouldn't worry about it too much. If you get emotional about it, or start going into a tirade about it, it will only make YOU look insecure.

Unless he's coming home late, or hiding stuff from you, buying HER gifts, or calling her 24/7, then I wouldn't really worry too much about it. Maybe he's flattered and likes the fact that she likes him. Maybe he wants to bring up the fact that she likes him because he wants YOU to show him more attention. I dont' know. Men tend to do that sometimes when they are feeling neglected. "Oh...this woman was hitting on me in the grocery store yesterday...blah blah blah" Again, he's mentioning it, so there's nothing going on. lol* Just make sure that YOU'RE giving him enough attention and he won't be looking elsewhere for it.

 

[MissScarlett]

Ok, so I'm in a serious relationship with a guy who's currently in another state completing his studies (he moved away some months ago). We talk to each other every day, things have been going well so far (even though neither of us are too keen on long-distance relationships) but he's having a bit of a rough time being away from his old network of friends and family and talks quite often with his best friend (male), family members and me of course.

Before he went away, I met a female friend of his and I got the vibe that she liked him beyond friendship. I dismissed it initially because he clearly wasn't into her and she was not only unattractive (he places some value on looks) but an older woman. However, I found out she's actually the same age as him and me, and only looks about ten years older. He and I have gone out with her (and her sister) since and I got the same vibe then too, even stronger- that she's into him. However, I also got the vibe that she accepts he doesn't see her that way and at least wants to maintain a friendship so I dismissed her as harmless for the most part.

Whenever SO comes to town, he and I spend lots of time together and we spend time with his male best friend and with his family. I'm not always available so he would spend time with them alone and he would also make it a point to see this female friend. My problem isn't really with this (even though out of all his other friends, male and female, he only makes sure to see her and they're all supposedly on the same level of friendship), it's that she calls him quite often when he's away, as in every week (he has told me this). In fact, she told me once that she was gonna myspace me to ask about him once when she hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks.

I've started resenting what feels like a constant intrusion because I know she likes him underneath (he has even agreed with me, telling me he had always suspected the same when I first told him my suspicions), and I feel that for someone that's not a family member, a best friend, or his woman, the frequent calling is quite inappropriate. Am I being unreasonable?

I haven't told him I have a problem with it because that's his business in a way and I know how he is when it comes to being social and enjoying feeling connected to everybody, but at the same time, I have a gut dislike for her actions because she's trying to keep herself a little too present.

I know it would bug me regardless of whether he's 'into' her or not. It seems like an intrustion on your relationship.

Has he been friends with her long? Do you think she's one of these girls that's just sitting around and perhaps waiting/hoping he'll one day 'wake up' and want her? Or do you think she's accepted that won't happen and just really wants to be friends?

I wouldn't worry about her per se since you've stated she's no threat to your relationship beyond friendship but I would probably mention it to him (since you said he's aware that she does in fact like him) and let him know it bothers you. perhaps he could lessen his contact with her or rather 'not encourage her'.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you could grow up a little. I'm sure you have male friends but at the same time it is what it is. Your man trusts you and he's open about the fact that she communicates with and to him, so you should trust the fact that he is open and honest as a sign he is interested in and concerned with you.

I've had a male friend who I lightly dated for about a month when I realized things weren't going to work. We were friends for about 2 years when his new girlfriend became extremely jealous to the point where she called ME up and told me I can only call him once a month. The guy and I lived around the corner from each other and she acted like I couldn't have him if I wanted ( and I didn't because he was cheating on her ... who needs a dog?)... but was hell bent on trying to force it as if I was sweating him when our friendship was mutual.

When HE acts out of line, then you need to curb him. For now, just play cool and lightly act as if she's keeping you on your toes.

 

[WaterMoccasin]

Lol- thanks for your responses. She really isn't a threat- she's not his type in so many ways it's not even funny. I just feel she should back off a little. But I'm not about to tell him or her that- I think it'll happen eventually. For now, I guess I just have to deal until she weanes herself off him a bit/gets herself a man.

 

[gmw]

Yes, just chill and remember your man. Don't focus on her at all. She doesn't sound as if she is big deal.

I do think she is waiting for him to slip up or have a weak moment...

However that would not determine my thoughts on their friendship, as you are in a relationship with him, and he is forthright.

He sounds as if he is nice to people, and she has taken that to mean it could be something. She will get the point.

He loves you and has kept everything cool with everyone in his life. It sounds like everything is fine, and that you have to just focus on you and him. She really is no thought...nope....