Alright I need some serious advice...

[Geminigirl]

Here's my deal. I been with my boyfriend for a year and half. We met were I used to work at. Well he ended up quitting and then i joined another department. He came back. When he came back a week later a female started working in his dept. He told me how this female was a slut how she was lazy he didn't like her this and that. I was pregnant with his baby at the time and of course I was hormonal but whenever I would go over to his dept so we could break or go to lunch together I would always see him and this female talking. They'd be in the back chillin on the sales floor chillin working side by side. I was like WOW I thought you ain't like her this and that why ya'll always up in each other's face. I asked him to stop talking to her and I felt that if he truly loved me he would respect my wishes cause the ish seemed suspicious to me. I'm not talking they was on some hi and bye mess I'm talking they was ALWAYS in each other's face. No matter how upset he could see that it was making me it was like he wasn't gonna let this "friendship" go. I'm talking EVERYtime I came to his dept they was together. Even to this day we go to our old job and he will stand and talk to her for however long.

Fast foward. I was just like LOOK what do ya'll have to talk about for so long? What is it about her that ya'll always gotta be up in each other's face? Mind you I had coworkes telling me oh I seen ya man and her over there talking. So I was embarassed and I felt like they knew something I ain't know. But I also felt good cause other people was noticing it as well. So anyways we talking and he was like she likes car, fishing and some other things they have in common. He also mentioned that this girl likes one of his friends and she was always trying to get him to hook them up. He named a list of boys that she likes including her current boyfriend but let me express a concern I have and it goes on deaf ears. He NEVER listens when I talk to him but he can tell me a list of guys this girl likes? Am I overreacting? Am I being controlling? Would you feel the same way in a similar situation? Should he stop talking to her or maybe out of respect to me limit his talking? I feel as though he really likes this girl and he has some kinda deep connection with her that we as a couple don't have together and I think that is what bothers me most about their relationship. What would you do? Don't be scared to hurt my feelings I really wanna know what to do about this situation because she always come up in our fights and she might be one of the downfalls of our relationship.

 

[aja1121]

I think it is weird that he talked about her in the beginning and then befriended her like that. I think that is where your insecurities stem from. It doesn't have to be a personal insecurity, but something about her challenges the security of your relationship with him. Who would want there dude around a so-called "known" slut. Females friends bother us so much and males do not see it until they are in the situation. It seems like you guys are serious and I'm not sure how much this bothers you. Are you willing to leave?

I was in a similar situation, but your situation seems escalated because it is sort of "in your face", which can be disrespectful and you have a child together. If you questioned him about and let him know that it bothered you and nothing changes, there are a number of things you can do depending on how mature you are willing to be. Sometimes we can get immature in situations like this....but I do believe in "showing" and not "telling" when it comes to men. What helped me is this situation is spending time with family and friends.

Another question? Does he talk to her on the phone and has he introduced her to you?

 

[jrae]

... He NEVER listens when I talk to him but he can tell me a list of guys this girl likes? Am I overreacting? Am I being controlling? Would you feel the same way in a similar situation? Should he stop talking to her or maybe out of respect to me limit his talking? I feel as though he really likes this girl and he has some kinda deep connection with her that we as a couple don't have together and I think that is what bothers me most about their relationship. What would you do? Don't be scared to hurt my feelings I really wanna know what to do about this situation because she always come up in our fights and she might be one of the downfalls of our relationship.

Well, he knows this friendship bothers you, but he won't break it off. He's making babies with you but can't figure out his priority relationship... hmmm.

 

[Geminigirl]

I think it is weird that he talked about her in the beginning and then befriended her like that. I think that is where your insecurities stem from. It doesn't have to be a personal insecurity, but something about her challenges the security of your relationship with him. Who would want there dude around a so-called "known" slut. Females friends bother us so much and males do not see it until they are in the situation. It seems like you guys are serious and I'm not sure how much this bothers you. Are you willing to leave? YES

I was in a similar situation, but your situation seems escalated because it is sort of "in your face", which can be disrespectful and you have a child together. If you questioned him about and let him know that it bothered you and nothing changes, there are a number of things you can do depending on how mature you are willing to be. Sometimes we can get immature in situations like this....but I do believe in "showing" and not "telling" when it comes to men. What helped me is this situation is spending time with family and friends. My family moved to another state. He filed for custody of my son when I was gonna go with them, because I also have a daughter from a previous relationship and my parents help me ALOT with her, and my son was ordered to stay in the state of MD. that's a whole other story.

Another question? Does he talk to her on the phone and has he introduced her to you?

He does have enough respect to not speak to her on the phone. I worked with the girl but never formally met her. He did mention he wants us to hang out. I think NOT

Well, he knows this friendship bothers you, but he won't break it off. He's making babies with you but can't figure out his priority relationship... hmmm.

HE says I am being paranoid and have inferiority issues. I've never asked him not to talk to anybody before. Not even this girl even though I typed up there I did. But I have talked to him about and hinted that I do want them to stop talking so much. What does he like talking to her cause she has all the gossip or what?


Update: I went through his phone this morning. It turned out he was texting me. He caught me and I feel so bad. I knew I shouldn't have did it. I never did it before...but he's done it to me. I talked to him this morning and I don't know if we are broke up but I don't think he will be staying at my house anymore. This just put us one step back in our relationship.

 

[hopeful]

You aren't over-reacting. He is being disrespectful. Don't let him turn the tables on you with the texting thing (don't quite understand what happened though, how was he texting you when you had his phone?) Anyway, sounds like he is playing games with you. I'm sorry this is happening especially since the two of you have a child together.

 

[ThickHair]

Update: I went through his phone this morning. It turned out he was texting me.

HUH?? I don't understand.

 

[Geminigirl]

what I mean is his phone went off and he started texting. My phone was in the kitchen so I couldn't hear him text me. When I went through his phone the texts were from me and he explained to me this morning that he was texting me. His phone doesn't have a good signal in my house so it took awhile for him to get the texts he sent me. This is hard to explain. The whole reason he text me in the first place is because i went out into the living room to type to ya'll and he didn't wanna get up cause he wanted to go to sleep. Does that make more sense or do I need to clarify more?

 

[msdeevee]

I understand about the texting, you were in different rooms.

I feel that you have a reason to be suspicious. Yeah, you may be hormonal and all that too but his actions do sound suspicious where she's concerned.

At first he's telling you how much he thinks she's a slut and all that and now they have so much in common. Why is he even talking to her to that extent to be finding out all her interests?

In any event it's disrespectful and others are noticing that they are talking a lot. He should be all about you right about now and not trying to cause you any unneccessary distress.

At this point I would jsut be very aware and watch what he does. Don't bring it up again but be looking out for what he does next and how he proceeds with this...and no matter what don't approach her about this. Since their such good friends now he may have already told her you don't like what's going on. You have a relationship with him not her and if anything goes down it's on him.

I'm sorry this is happening to you at this time.

 

[Farida]

I do agree that it is suspect that he said all those negative things about her and now they are practically best friends.

I do think it is a good sign that he wants the 3 of you to hang out. Secrecy and exclusivity are the hallmarks of an affair. This is not to say that if the 3 of you hit it off then nothing is wrong. I think you should take him up on the offer.

I do think it is unreasonable to tell your man not to talk to someone he works with. You could politely request that he scales down their interaction, but the moment you start pushing ultimatums is the moment you start offending a man's ego.

Especially when you are not married. Yes, you have a kid together and that should mean he owes you more respect than just any girlfriend. However, I will tell you, at the end of the day, unless you don't want to marry him either, then he doesn't see you as wife material and hence will not oblige you the respect to stop talking to another woman.

Usually how much people are willing to put into a relationship is proportional to their level of commitment.

I do agree if your representation is accurate, that he does spend too much time talking to her. People usually have affairs with coworkers, especially when they enjoy time together.

questions:
1. apart from this, how does he treat you?
2. does he discuss anything personal/intimate with her? Like are they pouring out their souls to each other, or do they just have general discussions?
3. Do they keep secrets?

 

[leona2025]

I had to deal with this same thing when me and my now husband were dating and I started questioning myself about if I was overreacting. He was talking to ex. I was true to myself I told him if his relationship with this "friend" was more important than our relationship then it was over because obviously we weren't on the same level. I would have left to because I can't get down with giving 100% and all he want to give 85.

If you are uncomfortable with something he should respect you enough to actually listen and try to fix it. It's not like you just come through the office randomly pointing at people and saying you can not speak to them. You said you didn't tell him directly to stop talking to her. This is what my then bf pointed out to me when I asked him why he was still communicating with his ex. You said that you didn't like it not that I had to stop. Men act like they don't understand, but they do. I went through his phone a few times and once I questioned him about something I seen there. It was hard, but I can't live my life with questions which would undermind the relationship even more. We've moved on passed these things and I am confident that you could to. Ya'll just need to have a big talk and put it all on the table and tell him directly what you refuse to deal with.

 

[leona2025]

and no matter what don't approach her about this. Since their such good friends now he may have already told her you don't like what's going on. You have a relationship with him not her and if anything goes down it's on him.

I agree with this. It's all about him. I would never approach the female about this. She owes you no loyality.

This is not to say that if the 3 of you hit it off then nothing is wrong. I think you should take him up on the offer.

This may work for some, but not me. I absolutely do not want to meet her. He would be bring her futher in and making a more solid connection with her.

 

[alwayzalady22]

I think it is weird that he talked about her in the beginning and then befriended her like that. I think that is where your insecurities stem from. It doesn't have to be a personal insecurity, but something about her challenges the security of your relationship with him. Who would want there dude around a so-called "known" slut. Females friends bother us so much and males do not see it until they are in the situation. It seems like you guys are serious and I'm not sure how much this bothers you. Are you willing to leave?

I was in a similar situation, but your situation seems escalated because it is sort of "in your face", which can be disrespectful and you have a child together. If you questioned him about and let him know that it bothered you and nothing changes, there are a number of things you can do depending on how mature you are willing to be. Sometimes we can get immature in situations like this....but I do believe in "showing" and not "telling" when it comes to men. What helped me is this situation is spending time with family and friends.

Another question? Does he talk to her on the phone and has he introduced her to you?

in my experience, dudes who talk about females they barely know badly secretly (or not-so-secretly) are feelin' that female i used to talk to a dude who talked so badly about a coworker of ours, saying she was a golddigger and a user and this and that... next thing you know, he was planning a going away for her with her roommate erplexed turns out, they had been talking for some time at this point in the game.

needless to say, the lil 'game' he thought he was running on me ran on out when i found out that bit of info then this fool had the nerve to ask me how i figured everything out

so i would be cautious if that's how ya man is acting, he may like homegirl...

 

[Caramela]

If she is a slut and he's befriending her ....

 

[Geminigirl]

I understand about the texting, you were in different rooms.

I feel that you have a reason to be suspicious. Yeah, you may be hormonal and all that too but his actions do sound suspicious where she's concerned.

At first he's telling you how much he thinks she's a slut and all that and now they have so much in common. Why is he even talking to her to that extent to be finding out all her interests? My point exactly

In any event it's disrespectful and others are noticing that they are talking a lot. He should be all about you right about now and not trying to cause you any unneccessary distress.

At this point I would jsut be very aware and watch what he does. Don't bring it up again but be looking out for what he does next and how he proceeds with this...and no matter what don't approach her about this. Since their such good friends now he may have already told her you don't like what's going on. You have a relationship with him not her and if anything goes down it's on him. OOPS too late. I confronted he awhile back. But only one. After I did confront her her and her friend used to laugh at me and think it was soo HA HA funny so I learned my lesson.

I'm sorry this is happening to you at this time.

I do agree that it is suspect that he said all those negative things about her and now they are practically best friends.

I do think it is a good sign that he wants the 3 of you to hang out. Secrecy and exclusivity are the hallmarks of an affair. This is not to say that if the 3 of you hit it off then nothing is wrong. I think you should take him up on the offer.

I do think it is unreasonable to tell your man not to talk to someone he works with. You could politely request that he scales down their interaction, but the moment you start pushing ultimatums is the moment you start offending a man's ego.

Especially when you are not married. Yes, you have a kid together and that should mean he owes you more respect than just any girlfriend. However, I will tell you, at the end of the day, unless you don't want to marry him either, then he doesn't see you as wife material and hence will not oblige you the respect to stop talking to another woman.

Usually how much people are willing to put into a relationship is proportional to their level of commitment.

I do agree if your representation is accurate, that he does spend too much time talking to her. People usually have affairs with coworkers, especially when they enjoy time together.

questions:
1. apart from this, how does he treat you? He treats me well we have our moments but we are always together when we can be except sundays.
2. does he discuss anything personal/intimate with her? Like are they pouring out their souls to each other, or do they just have general discussions? I don't know what they discuss I am not there, I can tell you he likes to gossip and he has a lil problem running his mouth so I often wonder if she knows when we fight and all of that. He def knows her business so it can just go one way can it? He has to be telling her something to right?
3. Do they keep secrets?

Again, I am not sure I don't really mess with her like that to know if they keep secrets. If she is keeping his secrets he damn sho ain't keeping hers cause he tells me alot of her business.

I had to deal with this same thing when me and my now husband were dating and I started questioning myself about if I was overreacting. He was talking to ex. I was true to myself I told him if his relationship with this "friend" was more important than our relationship then it was over because obviously we weren't on the same level. I would have left to because I can't get down with giving 100% and all he want to give 85.

If you are uncomfortable with something he should respect you enough to actually listen and try to fix it. It's not like you just come through the office randomly pointing at people and saying you can not speak to them. You said you didn't tell him directly to stop talking to her. This is what my then bf pointed out to me when I asked him why he was still communicating with his ex. You said that you didn't like it not that I had to stop. Men act like they don't understand, but they do. I went through his phone a few times and once I questioned him about something I seen there. It was hard, but I can't live my life with questions which would undermind the relationship even more. We've moved on passed these things and I am confident that you could to. Ya'll just need to have a big talk and put it all on the table and tell him directly what you refuse to deal with.

Talking to him is hard sometimes. I mean I will try again if I see him today but UGH I could just thinking about how much and hard he fights to be this girls friend.

If she is a slut and he's befriending her ....

LOL I know but what do I do? I could leave? But my son? It's a sticky situation. If I leave him I'm taking my son and moving to the state my parents live in which leaves him with little to no relationship with our son. I don't wanna do that to him or my baby.


I'm not hanging out with that girl. PUH LEASE. He doesn't want all three of us to hang he wants me to go out with her by myself. WHY? Why does he want me to be her friend too? As far as marriage he def wants to wife me up but I am not ready for all that. I am young a single mom of TWO kids and I want a career before I commit to marriage. Since nothing else in my life went as planned I want my wedding to be the most beautiful day of my life and that's gonna cost money that I will need from my career.

I forgot who wrote about a man talking about a girl bad but secretly really feeling her. I know about this scenario all too well myself which is why I am freaking out. My daughter's father used to talk bad about my best friend and she in turn did the same. I was like coo he don't like her she don't like him fine. I had moved outta state because I was 19 at the time and my family relocated so I moved as well. I was pursuing school at the time. I used to call this smut bucket best friend and tell her like YO I think D F&%@ing sumbody else. She be like he prolly is. Well come to find out his slutty self slept with her and some other girls while I was pregnant with his baby. So I know not to trust a guy when he bad mouths a girl.

 

[ThickHair]

I forgot who wrote about a man talking about a girl bad but secretly really feeling her. I know about this scenario all too well myself which is why I am freaking out. My daughter's father used to talk bad about my best friend and she in turn did the same. I was like coo he don't like her she don't like him fine. I had moved outta state because I was 19 at the time and my family relocated so I moved as well. I was pursuing school at the time. I used to call this smut bucket best friend and tell her like YO I think D F&%@ing sumbody else. She be like he prolly is. Well come to find out his slutty self slept with her and some other girls while I was pregnant with his baby. So I know not to trust a guy when he bad mouths a girl.[/B]

So this maybe possibly the second time you ran into this type of "incident"? You may want to to figure out why you attract guys like this. I am no trying to make you feel bad or something but something is going on and what do these two situations have in common? You.

 

[Geminigirl]

your right. I probably need to sit and write out my thoughts and get my head together. Me and my BF go to couseling so I think this is something we should bring up in it.

 

[blkbeauty]

I feel as though he really likes this girl and he has some kinda deep connection with her that we as a couple don't have together and I think that is what bothers me most about their relationship.
What would you do? Don't be scared to hurt my feelings I really wanna know what to do about this situation because she always come up in our fights and she might be one of the downfalls of our relationship.

Gemini, I have gone through a similar situation, Except I was with the guy for 10 yrs and found out that he met someone on CL and they made this internet connection. Although, he told me different; he said that her ad seemed crazy and she is really a "sad case for a female", the mental chemistry (from me reading the emails) between them two made me feel, well insecure. He stopped talking to her, we moved and a year later we broke up and he started to date this woman. The union only lasted a month as he discovered that their blissful mental connection opened his eyes to see that she was just mental.

I say this, there are some women out there that when they know the man is taken, they will be his "best friend". There are men out there that when they know they are taken, they LOVE the adventure of lurring other women and the secrecy that follows it. Although some can make a "deeper" connection to another than the one they may have currently with their mates, most of the times its the adventure that gives the illusion of it being deeper.

Whatever the case, PROTECT yourself and guard your heart. I think if I had done that experience over again, I would have worried less about him and this woman and more about my next move.

 

[illustrioussplendor]

I don't think you are overreacting at all! Do they have to communicate in order to perform their job duties? If he talked about her and then he's all in her face you have to wonder what is the "real" nature of their relationship.